An Honest Look Under The Hood: Part 2

On the other side of all of this comes the reality of dealing with the core of who we are. It shouldn’t come as a shock to find out most of us are uncomfortable admitting or even looking at who we are. As frightening as this feels, hopefully I can shed light on myself, so that it might give the tools to help shed light on who you are. I feel as if I should say this as a disclaimer…this post is not in any way a self-righteous look at me post, but a rather sober assessment of where I am and the things that I have uncovered over the years.

Who do I say I am? This is a question I have had to ponder for quite a while. Amongst the varying degrees of false pretense and facades, I have found it difficult to get to the core of this question. Who I am is not simply found in what I do, but what I do is intimately found in who I am. It has been a process of going backwards through what I do to figure out who I am. To say I am a drummer, a writer, an athlete, or even a personal trainer would only be partial truths as those are things I do, not necessarily the core of who I am. I am not a teacher, a pastor, evangelist, prophet, or apostle as my core identity, yet many of those things stem from the core of who I am.  I mean this is really confusing because I really do not even understand who I am myself. I am not even sure how I have defined myself all of these years. Just getting out of the mentality of what I do being who I am has been the toughest transition of my life. At this moment, the only thing I know is that I am Cordell Jackson Winrow. I am a mix of wise craziness. I am artistic, creative, and passionate. Though only a part of the whole, it is where I am right now.

Who do they say I am? My friend and others around me have affectionately called me ‘Yoda’, ‘Mentor’, ‘Sage’, ‘Wise Guy’, ‘Crazy Man’, ‘Freak’, ‘Drummer Boy’, ‘Athlete’, ‘Writer’…and a few other things. Put succinctly, it a mixed bag when it comes to the things I have heard others call me and treat me as. To put it nicely even though many won’t say it out right I am treated as a problem fixer or a pillar to lean upon. They see me dependable and rely on me for help when a crisis arises. It sucks to even have to think about this, but the reality that I find is that my value and usefulness wears off with certain of my friends once the crisis has been averted OR things settle down. I am no longer a priority in their lives. It is more about what I can offer and not who I am. To the few close friends I have, I am an indispensable part of their lives. I cannot be replaced because my value stems from who I am to them, not what I do for them. I understand that this is a vast generalization and it comes nowhere close to being a comprehensive list of how people see me, but this is what I am aware of and what I have record of over the last 15 years of life.

I hesitate in even writing this portion of the blog because God pulls absolutely no punches. This section scares me because the sheer weight of honesty that defines this blog will be put to the test right here.

Who does God say I am? God scares me; let me be clear when I say this. His opinion of me is rather high and I have no idea why. First off…God says I am His. No if ands or buts about this. He has been rather clear that no matter what happens my identity is found in being His. Secondly, I am His son, made in his likeness, and image. We just get to magnify the issue here because not only am I HIS, but I am HIS SON. I cannot be disowned or thrown out. I am eternally part of the family. He says I am HOLY and RIGHTEOUS. Okay, I feel like I am verging on territory that I would rather not go, but I cannot deny that these are things He has spoken over me time and time again. I am in complete right standing, totally blameless, totally justified, completely pure, and holy in His sight. He says I am worthy and worthwhile. I am eternally valuable to Him and worth Him giving His all for me. If that isn’t absolutely scandalous I do not know what is. However, it gets better. He sees me as a success story, a prime example of what it looks like to succeed when others count you out. He says I am grace-filled, compassionate, kind, and loving, characteristics that I was born with and display wonderfully. He calls me a seer, one who sees the unseen. He says he gave me that ability because it matches my heart for people and the gifts that I have the help set people free from the places they are stuck in. It doesn’t stop there…and it makes me uncomfortable even acknowledging what I am about to say, but this is what He says about me so it is what it is. He continually says I am a prophet. Though I have no idea what that means in its fullness, I understand that my role and call in life is a bit interesting to say the least. However, more than all of these things…the most special thing I have come to hold to is the fact that he calls me friend. The innumerable times that He has thanked me for being such a good friend to Him, well, they are priceless. The fact that I have felt him weep because of his elation at my heart to care for him…has moved me many times. If I am to be honest, this is only a fraction of what he has to say about me, but the portion that I feel that he is speaking about right now. He is pretty emphatic right now about these things, but understandably. Though I am writing all of this, knowing what I am hearing from Him, it still so hard to believe that this and more is His heart towards me about me.

What keeps me from accepting what God says about me? I think it goes without question in saying that much of this is hard to accept because it seems too good to be true. Like I sometimes wonder, “God, are you sure you are talking about me?” Are you sure that you have the right guy? I mean look at all of these faults…no? What really keeps me from accepting what God has to say about me is a combination of the things that others have said about me and ways they have hurt me, and not really believing there is much good that lies within me. Both of which are catastrophic in the grand scheme of things. I have spent a good portion of my life under the delusion that people’s opinions of you really matter, and that you have to work to keep a great reputation otherwise all your struggles will be for not. It has created an unhealthy dependence on the approval of others rather than standing on what it is God is saying about me…mostly because people I can see…God I cannot. God I hear when alone…people I hear everywhere I go. This is what I consider very unhealthy. I know cognitively that God’s opinion is the one that should matter above all else, but for some reason it has yet to really make it down to my heart. I wonder at times if God is really as credible as people say He is. Again, I know the answer to that question is a resounding YES!!! I just do not know how to get myself to believe that at this point. It is a work in progress.

What holds me captive to what they say about me? This is probably the most revealing portion of this blog. I have spent most of my life under the impression that peoples’ opinions of me matter and that I need to work hard to make sure my reputation is spotless and clean. Doors are opened faster if your reputation precedes you. What I never knew is that it is a tireless hamster wheel that is problematic once you step foot on it. You are constantly working to win the approval of people who don’t matter, who most of the time could care less about you and are more worried about their image. Soon earnest conviction gives way to the facade of a fancy image. No longer does it matter what on the inside of a person because the external appeal has captivated the audience. At some point I was conditioned to think that it was that packaging that was important, not the content. At 28 years of age I am now dealing with the dismantling of this faulty way of thinking. Yet, the truth is, I have not overcome the dangers of people pleasing. I have spent considerable time as a yes man rather than sticking up for my own convictions much less what I know about God…or what he says about me. Shoot if I shared half of what God has said about me to other people…well I probably would have very few friends and being a hermit recluse. The thought of that frightens me terribly. I am not about trying to save my image now…since I have come to realize it doesn’t matter. I am simply trying to make sense of this tangled web so it can be incinerated once and for all. Though I only have begun to figure this out…the opinions of others are really powerless to get me where I want to be. Thus begins my journey of understanding God’s opinion and lining up with that.

Why do I feel like what I say about myself always waivers? I know that what I say about myself waivers because of my personal performance. I do not really understand how to give myself grace and allow who I am to manifest into the things that I do. So consequently what I do outwardly often time manipulates how I feel about myself. What I do has been large part in how I see myself. So the conflict has is understanding that who I am, is not what I do. Learning to reverse this understanding has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I also feel like I wavier because of the opinions of those that I care about. I often will take into account their perspectives even if they are not in alignment with what God says about me. Hearing things over and over again does a lot to solidify things as being a reality. My perception is that of what I see not necessarily what truly is. This is a thing that I am learning to overcome. Things aren’t always what they seem, even if it looks convincing.

What keeps me stuck from moving forward? This is probably the easiest question of the bunch to answer. I keep myself stuck. Plain and simple…the problem is me. The bigger problem or reality as it were is fear. I fear making a mistake that could ultimately cost me my future. This puts me in a place of paralysis and ultimately makes it so the future that I can conceive with the Lord never comes to fruition because action is never taken. It is a case of look, but don’t touch…or window shopping. See at this point in my life it is not about a better strategy or gaining more knowledge. It is simply about doing the things that need to be done to see the results that I want to see. Even in knowing all of this, I find it quite difficult to find the motivation and hope to move forward. These are the inner demons that I face because I know my future is worthwhile. This is also something that the Lord has been reminding me about. Simply doing what you know to do no matter how tedious it might seem. Success is not determined by luck…but hard work and willingness to do what others will not do.

So this is part 2 of the Honest Look Under The Hood series that I am working on. This is simply a series of questions that you can wrestle with on your own spare time to get to know what is going on inside of you. If you are non-religious then you can still tailor the questions to you and omit certain other ones. However, since I love Jesus these questions have been come foundational keys to work through as I go about understanding myself.

Here in lies a challenge I would present to those that read. Take time and answer these questions for yourself. If you feel bold enough please email me what you have uncovered about yourself. I am interested in how this is affecting others and would like to start a dialogue with those who read my blog.

Email me at: cordell.winrow@gmail.com

An Honest Look Under The Hood

I decided that it would be a good time to pause and really flesh out a few things I am wrestling with. Just so happens that Holy Spirit thought it would be a great idea, so this is the project I have endeavored to work on. So far this is only the first part of what we have been dealing with. Though not fully comprehensive, it has provided a framework for questions, introspection, and excavation of my internal landscape. It has been a difficult but freeing process. Nothing has felt so painful yet so good. These are the base questions; yet, I am discovering more as I write. My hope is that this blog will help others begin to tackle many of the same questions. Life is not meant to be lived in fear, guilt, shame, and uncertainty. It is meant to be lived in the light of life and the fullness of Love. With that, I leave with the thoughts that I have been chewing on and becoming honest with.

Who is God? He is the author and creator of all life. He is timeless, eternal and un-created. One God completely unified in 3 Persons. Father, Son, Holy Spirit.

What is my relationship to God the Father? I was created by God, from God, for God. I am His son and heir. At the current moment, I am stubborn and doubtful, mixed with hopefulness and awe. I have this lens that causes me to see the Father much like my earthly father. Every time I want to approach Him, I am met with such a wave of anxiety because somehow I feel as if He will be very short and critical of what I am doing. I do not expect much compassion or affection from Him. I have honestly come to expect harsh criticism and ways to better ways to serve Him. When I think about Him, it is more about what being done, than simply just being. I feel that if I work harder, somehow I will forgo all the criticism that has been built up because of my shortcomings.

Who is Jesus? He is the only begotten son of the Father. First born of all creation yet, was in the beginning with the Father before creation. He is the author and finisher of my faith. He is the first born of many brethren. He is the great I AM, Emanuel, King of Kings, and Lord of Lords. The very reason my position with the Father was restored. He is the Way, He is the Truth, He is the Life.

What is my relationship to Jesus? He is my older brother, a close friend, and the one I fight with the most. He can easily be one of the most frustrating people I know, while at the same time being the most comforting and gentle person I know. I go back and forth learning if he is trustworthy or not. He is one that will not sugar coat what I need to hear, but at the same time he is one that never pressures me to move forward. Always understanding and always to the point. At times I simply want to run away from him because I do not know how to accept all of who HE is. Simply put, Jesus is freaking BIG and overwhelming. Not in a negative way however. He loves so much that it really is hard to take it in.

Who is Holy Spirit? That’s kind of a loaded question since He is the one that prompted me to even write this. He is affectionately known as the “Great Counselor” or to put in bluntly, the idea guy. He is a mysterious fellow that is the 3^rd person in the Trinity. Some say he is sensitive and some say he is boisterous. I say he is a combination of many factors that would take too much time to try to explain. Jesus calls him the Comforter and the Spirit of Truth. He is also known as the revealer of mysteries and a great teacher. He is God with us currently indwelling all who will allow him habitation. He has the greatest ability to influence and move people. He is the one that sits at the door of our hearts knocking so as to be invited in. He is a patient one, yet will move and get things done as necessary. Again, He is very mysterious, but altogether lively and fun.

What is my relationship to Holy Spirit? Well as much as I want to say he is my best friend, I feel like that would be the farthest stretch imaginable currently. I feel as if I am still trying to get to know him on an intimate level again. With the way things have been working out in my life, I can honestly say the relationship is dysfunctional at best. Not because of Him, but because of me. Much like with Jesus, I have a hard time trusting Holy Spirit right now. Although looking back on the track record he has, he has been one the most trustworthy people I know of. Kind of quirky in the way that he does stuff, but he has been quite consistent in my life. I try to sabotage things with Him, because subconsciously I am expecting Him to fail me, much like everyone one else in my life has at some point in time or another. Yet, He has never faltered. Truth be told, I don’t like to step out anymore because I do not want to know if he will ever fail, if that makes sense. I mean watching Him work is a phenomenal thing, and from a distance so wonderful. However, as of late there have been so many opportunities to work with Him hand in hand and it freaks me out, to no end. So I just don’t. This I know is one of the major things that stifle this relationship back.

What are my fears concerning God? I believe my one fear is that at the end of the day everything that I have done will have all before not, because it wouldn’t have been what was really required or asked for. So I spend my time spinning my wheels trying to figure out what to do. In the end the whole paralysis by analysis sets in and nothing gets done. Sometimes, I feel like I am caught in the same loop of frustration that I get caught in when I play MMORPG’s. So many things to do, yet unsure of which is the proper way of doing things. There are so many ways to play the game and figure things out, yet with the amount of options, never really knowing what or how to do it. Instead of just playing the game and learning as I go…I feel like it is wasting valuable time. I end up freezing doing absolutely nothing of note. This is what I want to see change in me. I am afraid that when I get to the end of the road, I will see this HUGE GAME OVER sign.

What are you confident about concerning God? I am confident that no matter the circumstance God has a way of getting my attention to do the most unusual and out of the box things. He gives me words when I least expect having words. I am confident that He enjoys talking with me, though I really do not know how to receive what he has to share with me most of the time. I am confident in His ability to speak and share what concerns his heart. I am also confident in the fact that God is good and can be nothing other than Good. I am confident of God’s ability to use anything and everything to grasp your attention. Seemingly insignificant things to most around you, but the very thing that you need in a moment to prick your heart…reminding you that you are still alive and you are able to feel.

What are things that I say I believe but in all actuality I wrestle with? I say that I believe that God wants to hang out with me but, somehow I cannot get myself to actually believe it. There is a huge performance aspect to the way I operate because I am just unsure of God’s position of being pleased with me as a son. I know that I should believe that He simply wants the best for me and is working all things together for my good, but I have such a hard time really believing that. I wrestle with the idea of being a worshiper…or even being qualified to worship. I struggle with being a musician who has no idea what to do with the gift that I have been given. I am not confident that there really is no lack with God. Though I know scripture talks consistently about abundance…I have no idea what that really looks like because I feel like I am subsistence living most of the time. I am not confident that God really can do exceedingly abundantly more than I could ask or think according to the power that works within me...through me. Though I am supposed to believe God really is big, that hasn’t really struck me as fact or reality.

If there could be something I could give my life to what would it be? If I could do anything, I would give myself over fully to creating worship. It would be creating via music, writing, poetry, and counseling. Yet, the primary means would be music and writing. Something in me burns to be able to pursue this giving no regard to my life. Secondary but really still a part of the primary goal would be helping people get unstuck and find the vibration and frequency in which they resonate with. Helping them tackle the things that make them tick and invariably find freedom in living. Giving myself to this would be my greatest desire. I want to be able to create from the ground up with a group of people who share the same passion for transformation and freedom. A group of people passionately in pursuit of being able to move creation through our own creations, gifts to God, for the work of destroying the works of the devil and building the lives of people up again.

What stops me from giving me life to this goal? Invisible scripts…Fear. The long and short of it stems from fear. I subconsciously sabotage myself from succeeding when every provision for success has already been given. I fear that I will somehow make a wrong turn and be unable to recover from the mistake. I fear that I will have wasted my whole life doing what was unimportant and meaningless. In the end, it’s the paralysis that comes because of the fear of living a life of insignificance that causes one to never move an inch. The real root of the insignificant life is to stop one from moving totally in any direction. When motion stops significance stops. Yet, even though I can readily see this…I often feel stuck and start the cycle all over again.

Even as I have fleshed out many ideas, still more are flooding in. This is just the first of many parts of this detailed analysis of what is going on within me. There is no condemnation regarding this, just an honest look at where I am at. All guises and masks put aside. It is time for the healing to begin. Yet, the first part of healing is learning to shed light on what is really there. I hope this brings life to all who would venture to read this.