An Honest Look Under The Hood

I decided that it would be a good time to pause and really flesh out a few things I am wrestling with. Just so happens that Holy Spirit thought it would be a great idea, so this is the project I have endeavored to work on. So far this is only the first part of what we have been dealing with. Though not fully comprehensive, it has provided a framework for questions, introspection, and excavation of my internal landscape. It has been a difficult but freeing process. Nothing has felt so painful yet so good. These are the base questions; yet, I am discovering more as I write. My hope is that this blog will help others begin to tackle many of the same questions. Life is not meant to be lived in fear, guilt, shame, and uncertainty. It is meant to be lived in the light of life and the fullness of Love. With that, I leave with the thoughts that I have been chewing on and becoming honest with.

Who is God? He is the author and creator of all life. He is timeless, eternal and un-created. One God completely unified in 3 Persons. Father, Son, Holy Spirit.

What is my relationship to God the Father? I was created by God, from God, for God. I am His son and heir. At the current moment, I am stubborn and doubtful, mixed with hopefulness and awe. I have this lens that causes me to see the Father much like my earthly father. Every time I want to approach Him, I am met with such a wave of anxiety because somehow I feel as if He will be very short and critical of what I am doing. I do not expect much compassion or affection from Him. I have honestly come to expect harsh criticism and ways to better ways to serve Him. When I think about Him, it is more about what being done, than simply just being. I feel that if I work harder, somehow I will forgo all the criticism that has been built up because of my shortcomings.

Who is Jesus? He is the only begotten son of the Father. First born of all creation yet, was in the beginning with the Father before creation. He is the author and finisher of my faith. He is the first born of many brethren. He is the great I AM, Emanuel, King of Kings, and Lord of Lords. The very reason my position with the Father was restored. He is the Way, He is the Truth, He is the Life.

What is my relationship to Jesus? He is my older brother, a close friend, and the one I fight with the most. He can easily be one of the most frustrating people I know, while at the same time being the most comforting and gentle person I know. I go back and forth learning if he is trustworthy or not. He is one that will not sugar coat what I need to hear, but at the same time he is one that never pressures me to move forward. Always understanding and always to the point. At times I simply want to run away from him because I do not know how to accept all of who HE is. Simply put, Jesus is freaking BIG and overwhelming. Not in a negative way however. He loves so much that it really is hard to take it in.

Who is Holy Spirit? That’s kind of a loaded question since He is the one that prompted me to even write this. He is affectionately known as the “Great Counselor” or to put in bluntly, the idea guy. He is a mysterious fellow that is the 3^rd person in the Trinity. Some say he is sensitive and some say he is boisterous. I say he is a combination of many factors that would take too much time to try to explain. Jesus calls him the Comforter and the Spirit of Truth. He is also known as the revealer of mysteries and a great teacher. He is God with us currently indwelling all who will allow him habitation. He has the greatest ability to influence and move people. He is the one that sits at the door of our hearts knocking so as to be invited in. He is a patient one, yet will move and get things done as necessary. Again, He is very mysterious, but altogether lively and fun.

What is my relationship to Holy Spirit? Well as much as I want to say he is my best friend, I feel like that would be the farthest stretch imaginable currently. I feel as if I am still trying to get to know him on an intimate level again. With the way things have been working out in my life, I can honestly say the relationship is dysfunctional at best. Not because of Him, but because of me. Much like with Jesus, I have a hard time trusting Holy Spirit right now. Although looking back on the track record he has, he has been one the most trustworthy people I know of. Kind of quirky in the way that he does stuff, but he has been quite consistent in my life. I try to sabotage things with Him, because subconsciously I am expecting Him to fail me, much like everyone one else in my life has at some point in time or another. Yet, He has never faltered. Truth be told, I don’t like to step out anymore because I do not want to know if he will ever fail, if that makes sense. I mean watching Him work is a phenomenal thing, and from a distance so wonderful. However, as of late there have been so many opportunities to work with Him hand in hand and it freaks me out, to no end. So I just don’t. This I know is one of the major things that stifle this relationship back.

What are my fears concerning God? I believe my one fear is that at the end of the day everything that I have done will have all before not, because it wouldn’t have been what was really required or asked for. So I spend my time spinning my wheels trying to figure out what to do. In the end the whole paralysis by analysis sets in and nothing gets done. Sometimes, I feel like I am caught in the same loop of frustration that I get caught in when I play MMORPG’s. So many things to do, yet unsure of which is the proper way of doing things. There are so many ways to play the game and figure things out, yet with the amount of options, never really knowing what or how to do it. Instead of just playing the game and learning as I go…I feel like it is wasting valuable time. I end up freezing doing absolutely nothing of note. This is what I want to see change in me. I am afraid that when I get to the end of the road, I will see this HUGE GAME OVER sign.

What are you confident about concerning God? I am confident that no matter the circumstance God has a way of getting my attention to do the most unusual and out of the box things. He gives me words when I least expect having words. I am confident that He enjoys talking with me, though I really do not know how to receive what he has to share with me most of the time. I am confident in His ability to speak and share what concerns his heart. I am also confident in the fact that God is good and can be nothing other than Good. I am confident of God’s ability to use anything and everything to grasp your attention. Seemingly insignificant things to most around you, but the very thing that you need in a moment to prick your heart…reminding you that you are still alive and you are able to feel.

What are things that I say I believe but in all actuality I wrestle with? I say that I believe that God wants to hang out with me but, somehow I cannot get myself to actually believe it. There is a huge performance aspect to the way I operate because I am just unsure of God’s position of being pleased with me as a son. I know that I should believe that He simply wants the best for me and is working all things together for my good, but I have such a hard time really believing that. I wrestle with the idea of being a worshiper…or even being qualified to worship. I struggle with being a musician who has no idea what to do with the gift that I have been given. I am not confident that there really is no lack with God. Though I know scripture talks consistently about abundance…I have no idea what that really looks like because I feel like I am subsistence living most of the time. I am not confident that God really can do exceedingly abundantly more than I could ask or think according to the power that works within me...through me. Though I am supposed to believe God really is big, that hasn’t really struck me as fact or reality.

If there could be something I could give my life to what would it be? If I could do anything, I would give myself over fully to creating worship. It would be creating via music, writing, poetry, and counseling. Yet, the primary means would be music and writing. Something in me burns to be able to pursue this giving no regard to my life. Secondary but really still a part of the primary goal would be helping people get unstuck and find the vibration and frequency in which they resonate with. Helping them tackle the things that make them tick and invariably find freedom in living. Giving myself to this would be my greatest desire. I want to be able to create from the ground up with a group of people who share the same passion for transformation and freedom. A group of people passionately in pursuit of being able to move creation through our own creations, gifts to God, for the work of destroying the works of the devil and building the lives of people up again.

What stops me from giving me life to this goal? Invisible scripts…Fear. The long and short of it stems from fear. I subconsciously sabotage myself from succeeding when every provision for success has already been given. I fear that I will somehow make a wrong turn and be unable to recover from the mistake. I fear that I will have wasted my whole life doing what was unimportant and meaningless. In the end, it’s the paralysis that comes because of the fear of living a life of insignificance that causes one to never move an inch. The real root of the insignificant life is to stop one from moving totally in any direction. When motion stops significance stops. Yet, even though I can readily see this…I often feel stuck and start the cycle all over again.

Even as I have fleshed out many ideas, still more are flooding in. This is just the first of many parts of this detailed analysis of what is going on within me. There is no condemnation regarding this, just an honest look at where I am at. All guises and masks put aside. It is time for the healing to begin. Yet, the first part of healing is learning to shed light on what is really there. I hope this brings life to all who would venture to read this.