Let's Talk Porn Pt. 2

After getting such great feedback from PART 1 of the blog, I decided to set out sometime to dive into Part 2, which really is just my own journey through dealing with porn and why I have such a vendetta against the industry.

It is always a bit unnerving sharing this part of my life with people because of the stigma that is attached to the whole idea of pornography, given by the church. See I got my start into pornography...rather viewing porn when I was 13 years old. Back in 1999. I remember it clearly. I walked into one of the bathrooms of my junior high and mistakenly caught a classmate masturbating to a dirty magazine. He thought I was going to rat him out so he gave me the magazine, so as to make me his accomplice. That one moment...changed my life...

In a time where internet filters were no where to be found, and 56k dial-up modems were the norm...I found myself on the computer at all hours of the day and or night depending on if my parents were at home or going to be home...searching all types of crazy shit. Most of the time I was too afraid to actually search porn, so I would search for adult like content that could achieve the same gratification that a hardcore porn site or magazine would offer me. See my descent into pornography was actually very gradual. Up until I was about 15 I wasn't very intrigued by naked women. The reason...one word...PUBERTY. At 15 a massive transformation dramatically occurred. I discovered my sex drive...unfortunately...it had an appetite that I could not control or manage.

Before I realized it. The girls around me started dressing differently. I saw more skin than I could handle. The dancing changed from being silly to being provocative and seductive. What's more DSL become available at home. We finally had an upgraded internet connection. Then throw on top that I was dealing with MAJOR DEPRESSION. All of these factors spelled my doom from my high school years. See for me, high school was the most miserable time of my life. I wasn't like my peers. I was a wanderer...the lone wolf...the outcast. Well, I was wanted around for certain purposes (being the kid that has a ton of rather odd skills pays off at times I guess). The cure for the hurt...you guessed it...porn. I wouldn't be made fun of for my height or other more personal things. Even as I write this...I feel a special seething hatred towards certain individuals on my 2004 high school baseball team for the nickname they gave me (...Nipples...). All year that is what I was called and how they addressed me at practice. Ya...what did I do...I would go home...and look at porn to relieve my hurting heart.

See for me the reality was I had something on my hands that would almost instantly take the pain of my heart away...or so I thought. High school was rough for another reason...CHURCH. Adults really do not know how much damage they do to teenagers without realizing it. See sometimes I think church folk are the worst. I got to hear how they dogged my peers who had sex outside of wedlock. I got to see how they were demonized. I got to hear how people were punished and taken out of the things that were bringing them out of a place of guilt and shame. It is about that time that I decided that I would NEVER EVER share what I was dealing with. I never wanted to be shamed and talked about like that. Yet, that is also when I got another label within my youth group...(Mr. Super Spiritual...).

My senior year of high school is when I started to notice how addictive porn was. I decided it was time that I stopped. OH HOW I TRIED. I was looking for solutions EVERYWHERE. I was out of options because I couldn't talk to my parents...they would freak out. I couldn't talk to people at the church I had already seen how they treated others...I knew what fate would befall me if I said anything. I couldn't talk to my teachers because they would get my parents involved. My friends were of no use...well because I didn't really have any. I never had felt despair like that...even after all of the years of depression...this was something unique. Couple that on the fact that I was lying while I was going through these purity classes that we had at our church...I felt dirty...I felt like the scum of the earth.

I would spend the next 8 years in a constant state of struggle and war with an addiction. Ultimately, I would lose my virginity because of this war.

 All of college was a pain in the ass. Why? Well...I went to a Christian institution. Porn was like the cardinal sin at the time. Mind you, I had no understanding of grace. I thought being a christian was all about performance. So you had to maintain an exterior of excellence and piety. Well, while trying to do that...I saw one of my favorite professors sent to jail because of porn. It was the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I had ever seen anything like that. It shook me to the core. Again I made a silent vow to NEVER EVER share whats going on in the depths of my heart. Up to this point I had never seen anyone beat porn. I had seen it devastate lives and I thought mine was about to be totally broken.

I remember driving on my way back to the university with tears in my eyes..."God will I ever be free? Am I doomed to be trapped for the rest of my life...feeling this...this black spot of shame and guilt?" In a clear moment God responded as lightning and said, "NO!"

I have held on to that to this day. A promise from a loving Dad to a son who wants nothing more than to be the shining example of purity and redemption. I sit and I write. I reflect on where I have been. I meditate on where God has brought me from. Closer today than I was yesterday. More free than I have ever been in my life. At a place in my life where I can openly admit the struggle and the fight I have been in since I was 18 and decided I didn't want this for my life. I am now 27 wanting to settle down, and establish a family in the near future. I have heard it so many times said, that if you are dealing with porn, you are not fit to start a family. I have believed that for such a long time....

BUT....

I now am in a place to say...FUCK THAT!!!!

I will not let my past define me. I will not let the challenges set me back! I am who God says I am. I AM VICTORIOUS! I AM FORGIVEN! I AM HEALED!

As I spend time with God, I realize the issue is no longer about porn. It is simply about understanding the righteousness He has given me and learning how to operate in it. For so long I have been operating out of the wrong operating system and it has been screwing everything. He redefined my operating system and I see more victories than I do failures. I live in more freedom than I have even known in my life. For that I am extremely grateful.

Remember that vendetta I was talking about?

Yes I want to absolutely obliterate this thing from the face of the universe.

Why?

Men and women I love have been victims of this industry.
Those I love and care about have been kidnapped and forced into the industry.
Some I know personally have been rescued from the industry.

The scars that it has left these people with...can never really be accurately described.

Even more so...I never want my children to have to suffer the way I have suffered, and the way I have caused others to suffer because of this industry and its lure.

I don't want to have to see my nephews go through the pain, the shame, the disgrace, the guilt that I had to go through. They deserve better than that.

Yet, for those who are struggling...who feel trapped...who have no one to talk to...who want to be free...I will always have a soft spot for them. Because...I know as a young man what it feels like to have your hope, joy, passion, and freedom stripped from you.

I think of those who are my little brothers in the faith, who have confided in me. The weight of the pain they carry.

THIS MUST STOP!

And I say it STARTS with ME!

Warning: Raw with Colorful Language

So I know I have the porn series I am working on, I have not forgotten. Yet, I am quite pissed right now so I thought I would simply do an angry free write and see where it takes me.

It's about to go down!

People need to get there fucking heads out of there asses. My life and all of its contents are not subject to the bitch fits that are being thrown. It is starting to get more than just a bit annoying having to deal with all of the bull shit. If people would actually get that grimy waxy build up out of there ears and actually take the time to listen, they might be surprised at what they could learn.

I mean seriously. THE FUCK!!! Even now, I am finding that I am censoring all of what is going through my head to at least present something that is palatable. However, the more I do that, the more the pressure increases.

In a moment of sheer honesty...there are very FEW people I actually trust in this world or the next. Scratch that...there are FEW people I actually trust with the inner workings of my heart in this world. At the moment I am quite fine with that. I am finding that most people don't even deserve the privilege. I have had much practical experience in my life that sharing my heart ultimately leads to pain, misunderstanding, and a ton of abuse.

Yes, I have had more than my fair share of abuse. I have learned to simply keep my heart, my emotions, and feelings...the deep ones...to myself where no one else has access. It is no surprise that I was suicidal for years of my life. It isn't far fetched to believe how much I longed to die and how often I would pray never to wake up again. Death often was more of a place of comfort than of pain.

These are some of my more well...read them and you will get the gist of it.

Cutting Ties 

The Unseen Me

Self Medicate 

Ending It All 

Can You Feel Me Now

I am super irritated right now. More than irritated I am hurt. Because the cycle continues. I get that I am a bit backwards when it comes to finally feeling comfortable with people. I get that its odd that when I am actually comfortable with a person I don't talk with them as much. Yet, the depth of when we do talk always goes to a very deep place. What hurts me is when I get told bullshit like...you just don't care like I do. When people do that I honestly just want to say "FUCK YOU". Of course I don't care like you do...I am NOT YOU! I care like ME! A place that YOU will never understand cause news flash...YOU AREN'T ME!

My heart is deeper than the bottomless pit and holds all of eternity. What could you possibly know about the depth of the pain, the hurt, the frustration, the passion, the hope, the faith, the joy, the love that I carry within me? Yet, on more than one occasion I am judged...I am told painful, gut wrenching...spirit killing things. Makes it really hard to cherish anything that anyone else gives as a consolation.

Guys, I make so many mistakes, hurt so many people...I get it. I am sorry. No matter how good my intentions are people still get hurt. All I can do is apologize. I AM SORRY! I get that sorry doesn't take the pain away. I get that there are a lot of things that just are not fixed by an apology. Trust gets broken with reckless actions. I get it. Even so, where is the grace? Where is the compassion? I just don't get it...

I am so tired of being blamed for others bullshit. I have enough of my own bullshit that I have to deal with. I have enough condemnation, shame, and frustration I deal with on a daily basis. I don't need anyone else to pile their shit on top of me. I have a ton of my own issues that I have to deal with. I can't keep wiping bratty baby asses or clean up all of the vomit.

If grace and forbearance are what we are supposed to show one another...CAN I GET SOME? Can I get some of the type of grace that takes into consideration all that is going on? The type that asks me whats really going on? The type that doesn't get upset and frustrated when I fall short? The type that works with me? The type that encourages me to go beyond what I can see? The kind that will just sit with me while I feel miserable and frustrated? The type that says hey...I got your back...you don't have to tell me exactly is going on, just know I got you.

I feel like even that is too much to ask for.

I feel like that type of heart is expected of me, yet not something that I should receive.

No, not everyone treats me in the above manner. Its just the ones that do...fuck it up for everyone else. Its hard for me to trust any more. I am surprised I even trust that God is even good. With all the shit I have been seeing and experiencing. I am glad that is one thing that I am for sure on. I am glad through it all...at least that relationship is thriving. That He gets me. That He understands. That He cares. That He just sits with me when I feel like crap. Even though I never know how to really receive from Him...at least He is patient with me...He walks me through it all.

You Love Me

When its all said and done, I know how sensitive and emotional I am. I realize just how much I have stored up...how much of a beating I have taken. Taking in deep breaths I simply fight to hold back my own tears. For so many years I have not given myself permission to cry. To this day, it is very rare for my to cry on my own outside of God just doing something huge in our time together.

I will get over that one day...

BUT...

That day just isn't today.

Let's Talk Porn Pt. 1

Lately, I have been quite busy on the thinking front. Some major life issues have been brought to my attention. I thought I would spend sometime processing my thoughts in a way that would not only benefit myself, but also the world around me. So I decided to dedicate my next few (probably 4 or 5) posts to the topic of pornography. Fortunately, I won't be talking about pornography much in this first blog. I will be spending my time on the entertainment world and many of the things I see happening that help fuel this multi-billion dollar industry.

All you have to do these days is get on google and search the images for your favorite actors and actresses to be bombarded with photos one may never have dreamed of seeing even 10 years ago. By searching "Miley Cyrus" you will see a mix of photos from when she was married, a teen acting star, and well now...the adult years. You can do the same for Brittney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson, Justin Beiber, Justin Timberlake, Channing Tatum, just for kicks Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Don Jon)...as well as many others.

In order for me to write this, I did a preliminary scan. I was shocked at what I found. I was born in an era...the 80's where it was still inappropriate to show a lot of skin. Love scenes that had any kind of sexual charge or tension were not allowed on any of the sit-com's we watched.  Kissing scenes were highly diminished. Shoot, I think the Cosby show was the first show that I saw a husband and a wife sharing a bed. Before that it was a taboo.

Fast-forward and now you can find sex on pretty much any sit-com you watch. Some of which include...the Scandal, Grey's Anatomy, How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory...and others. Now because these shows have sexual over and undertones does it mean stop watching them...well not necessarily. I am not a fan of a one size fits all way of thinking. I personally believe we should learn how to govern ourselves in a manner which is healthy and promotes an empowering way of living life. That all being said, I do feel that the natural course of action after watching such shows it to emulate, experiment, and make many of these types of scenes happen in our everyday life.

Let's not forget the music industry and how it ties into all of this. Ever take the time to listen to the lyrics of today's popular music. Ever notice how sexually supercharged they are. At points I just turn it all of in favor is purely instrumental music because I feel a constant tension of trying to find lyrics that are both deep and not super crass. Country music, Hip Hop, Pop, R&B well...its changed so much over the years. Hardly any of it is "safe". I was raised in a very conservative manner so I do still carry some of those ideas. Yet, even so...many are becoming desensitized to the reality of what is going on in our entertainment industry as a whole.

Being bombarded by images, lyrics, and reality, day after day does something to inform how we look at our every day life. It really is easy to see that society is super charged and saturated with sex. It really is no wonder to me that the Porn Industry is such a lucrative business these days.

What really frustrates me is how deceptively marketable the industry is as a whole. Here are some stats as of 2010.

Number of internet users viewing porn, every second = 28,000 

Average monthly unique visitors to pornographic websites from 2005 and 2008 = 75 million 

Percentage of search engine request related to pornography = 25% 

Number of new pornographic websites that appear online every day = 266 

Approximate number of English-language websites that distribute child pornography = 3,000 

Amount spent on internet pornography every second = $89 

Estimated revenue generated by pornography In the US in 2006 including 2.84 billion from online pornograph = 13 Billion 

Approximate world wide revenue generated by pornography annually, as of 2006 = 97 Billion

 Those numbers are just from three years ago. Can you imagine what that looks like now just from an economic and business stand point.

From just this alone, I simply am not surprised why we see so many issues within the church concerning this topic. Unfortunately, I like many others, have been a victim, as well as willing participant in this industry without ever knowing the lasting effects it would have on myself and others until years down the road.

I have seen leaders, students, teachers, husbands, wives, sisters and brothers all struggle with this. I personally have had enough.

My vendetta against this industry runs deep.

It is time to break the silence.

Musings Concerning Religion

On days like today I set everything aside simply to center myself. With everything being so hectic, reorienting oneself becomes a most necessary endeavor. That much being said, I wonder how these thoughts will actually play out.

Christianity - By far the topic that stirs up the most controversy within my circle of influence. I am not even sure what to think at the current moment.

After such an unsettling dream...seeing people especially children wrapped in chains, trying to run for their lives. Running as fast as they can away from their captors and others who are in power...holding one such child who was wrapped in a spiderweb like chain. As soon as I touched the chain I could feel the horror of being trapped...the emotions of being alone and forgotten.

I began to weep...to wail...finally screaming because the pain was so great.

My screams in the dream jolted me back to the land of the living. My mood has been off ever sense. As I talked with Dad about it he said..., "As you begin to touch people you will feel the things that are holding them captive. Son, do not be afraid of what you feel. Yet, feel you must. Your heart will grow in compassion as you feel them and look at me."

This is my why. This is why I have become what I have become.

Bondage is not the business...

Seeing people hurt is also not the business...

Tied to all of this are the other major issues that seem to really mess with people.

Most would agree that God is good. All would agree that God is loving. Yet, what I have found is that most of these thoughts are accompanied by conditions and qualifications.

WHY???

Why are all of these great qualities of God's character made to be so...well...conditional...while we can see that these qualities are so unconditional and freely given.

It seems that Christians have imposed a morality ladder that must be ascended in order to be considered righteous or holy...

I call bullshit.

This type of thinking reeks of self-righteousness to the highest degree.

For what exactly? To appease our consciences so we feel as if we are accomplishing something?

Can we really add to what Jesus did for us on the cross?

No?

Then why do we try?

This is still a profound mystery to me...the more freedom I stumble into...the more the old way of living makes absolutely no sense.

What exactly have we been doing this whole time?

In my estimation we have spent more time trying to figure out the morality wheel than we have spent time investing in getting to know the God we say we love and adore.

We have have spent more time focused on behaviors more than the hearts that produce those behaviors.

Honestly speaking, in a lot of ways we still have not gotten passed the garden and the knowledge of good and evil.

As I recall there were 2 trees in the garden. The tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

We spend most of our time eating from the wrong tree...learning from the wrong tree...judging from the wrong tree.

Endeavoring on the journey I am taking has been no easy task. It has caused me to have to be reoriented in my entire belief system.

Instead of seeing things in black and white, I have become aware of the varying shades of color that fill the world around us.

Walking with Jesus teaches me just how diverse life really is. He made things so intricate that there is no possible way that one size fits all for anything...well...other than Jesus being a legitimate bad ass in the way he orchestrated EVERYTHING. (Time/Eternity/The Universe/All things seen/All things unseen.)

There are too many gaps to fill that I have no answers for.

The question I leave you will is this...

What does it look like for God to be God?

Just so you know its a trick question...

No one but God has the answer to that...

However, I challenge you to allow Him to challenge your paradigms of what it looks like for Him to be Himself.

Instead locking Him in the  "Christian" box...why not allow Him to just be himself and absolutely BLOW YOUR MIND.

I bet you he is bigger than you ever even suspected or dared even dream.

See the thing about this journey is this...every time I hang out with Jesus...He is bigger than the last time I hung out with Him. I asked Him why it seemed like He was growing all the time...His reply to me was priceless...

"I'm not growing I have always been bigger than you could fathom...your just growing in your understanding of me. The more you hang out with me...the bigger it will seem that I get because you are changing and transforming. Your vision is getting better. Just wait until we start working on how you see yourself. Things are gonna shift dramatically. :)" -- Jesus

Random Times with God

So let me just say this right off the bat. I am a seer. I have known this for a long time, but have rejected the gift most of my life. In the last few years I have actually taken more time to seek understanding of the gift and how it works. What I do know, is that I do not control the gift to a large degree, although I can consciously tap into it. I am never in control of what I see...I feel like a reporter most of the time simply relaying the events and details that I encounter.

Here is one such instance where my gift decided to open up on me out of the blue.

As I was leaving my house I was at once in a place unfamiliar yet at the same time "home-esque". The landscape i found my self on was quite out of the ordinary. I was greeted in an odd manner by an angel who seemed a bit frustrated and anxious. I was puzzled by what I saw. The angels were all colorful, vibrant, and visible. However, other than myself and a few others, the men and women were all in black and white.

Even more puzzling was the fact that those I saw in black and white were wounded and simply sitting by themselves. The angel who had greeted my was familiar with who I was. There was a genuine warm love under the exterior of frustration and anxiousness. As we exchanged greetings I began to ask what was going on.

"We are in a battle and you have stepped on a battlefield", he replied

I inquired as to where everyone was and in a bit of a flustered manner he gave me the run down.

"I would ask you the same question! Who is supposed to lead us into battle? Who has our orders? Who will bring clarity to those of us here?" His tone as perplexed as it was agitated.

I began to see the confusion. there were no leaders. There was no one to cast a vision or to give direction. They were trying to hold territory without knowing what to do or where to go.

After gaining understanding of the situation bit by bit, I told the angle that I would assume command for the time being.

I asked a few questions and then he shared a bit of information that shook me to the core.

"Victory has been declared in our favor, but many of the Sons of God have laid their weapons and tenacity down. You are living in a paradox where the war is over, yet there are many battles yet to fight. Men and women have let go of pressing forward in favor of wishful thinking. They stopped fighting while arrows were still flying at them. Others that haven't heard the declaration of victory and have abandoned hope. Tired and worn out they become carriers of discouragement. Yet, there are those who have heard the victory bell, and continue to fight until the battle they are currently fighting is over. These warriors go from battlefield to battlefield fighting to ensure the utter obliteration of the enemy forces. What you see before you is one such battlefield where wishful thinking and hopelessness have set in."

This paradox of sorts resonated within me. Men and women who had lost their color were those on either side of the spectrum the angel had described.

As I now sit in a coffee shop and ponder these things, I can only think of entering the "Promised Land".

The victory overall was there, but they still had to rout the inhabitants of the land. It's not enough to have the victory...

There are still battles that must be fought. Apathy and lethargy often are the enemies of a total victory or complete triumph.

I have spent a considerable amount of time contemplating this vision, yet I have few insights into the depth of this. Though at first sight the vision seems straight forward...the more time I spend with Jesus concerning this, the more in depth and detailed it gets.

What I do know is this...leadership is needed...yet not in the sense that we understand leadership. Its not a positional leadership nor an institutional leadership. It is the type of leadership that rallies the troops by action taken. Its a steadfastness as you endeavor to do something while have almost no support except from people who have shared the battlefield many times with you. People will watch, sit by, and even hurl insults your way as you are pushing forward.

Wishful thinking is just as deadly as hopelessness. The end result is the same. People throwing in the towel when things aren't going the right way. We also must understand that these are two of the most common stances that many in the Body find themselves in. Either way it goes the wounds multiply unless HOPE and SOBRIETY are restored.

Just another day with God...

I never know what to expect, but I know nothing is as it seems.

The Journey Begins

The legend begins here. A silhouette that becomes the greatest image of my style and unconventional way of living. I have found the more I try and stay silent the more frustrated I become. I have decided that I might as well simply be myself and create to my hearts content regardless of the flack that I catch. This is the reason for this blog. My life is full of color as well as teachable moments. Nothing is as it appears. Life is full of smoke and mirrors, illusions that cause us to see things that are not there. Other times we see empty space only to run into a brick wall we had not perceived. I find that we live as being subject to reality rather than being the type of people that reality bends to. I prefer to be the latter. "Bout That Lyfe Chronicles" is about my journey to see that happen within my life and the world around me. It is a means of expressing myself to a degree that I have not done at any point in my life. It is a journey with friends and family as I ask them to also post bits and pieces of the journey that they have had with me and apart from me.

This photo to the right represents how I see reality. I was meant to defy common sense to do the impossible. I walk on water and create the greatest of storms. It is both beautiful and awesome. Clothed in a white robe (righteousness/purity), white hair (wisdom/knowledge/creativity), twin swords (writing/music). A warrior ready to take on a world that says that impossibility is an inevitability that we must accept at some point or another. I am linked with a group of people who understand this passionate side of me. Realistic...is not a word that I will ever let characterize who I am. I AM IMAGINATIVE! Being defined by the labels of others is a thing of the past. I am not weird, crazy or out there. I am a fellow human being who has a road all his own to travel. How I would have love to have others on this road, but I realize that this is simply a road for one. Those I love and cherish have there own paths to take and it would be detrimental for them to walk the road I am walking. Understanding that its okay to do what one needs to do on their own journey is important for developing into a mature yet child like person. Making tough decisions in the face of opposition is never an easy thing, but as I start my journey I am discerning the underlying value of being unique...being myself. 

Thank you for taking to stop by the page and join me on my journey. In the months to come I will expand on this idea of what it means to be "bout that lyfe." The implications are more than just a fancy change of lingo. It is a reflection of a life alteration.

Welcome to the BOUT THAT LYFE CHRONICLES

Check out my other blog as well.