It's about to go down!
People need to get there fucking heads out of there asses. My life and all of its contents are not subject to the bitch fits that are being thrown. It is starting to get more than just a bit annoying having to deal with all of the bull shit. If people would actually get that grimy waxy build up out of there ears and actually take the time to listen, they might be surprised at what they could learn.
I mean seriously. THE FUCK!!! Even now, I am finding that I am censoring all of what is going through my head to at least present something that is palatable. However, the more I do that, the more the pressure increases.
In a moment of sheer honesty...there are very FEW people I actually trust in this world or the next. Scratch that...there are FEW people I actually trust with the inner workings of my heart in this world. At the moment I am quite fine with that. I am finding that most people don't even deserve the privilege. I have had much practical experience in my life that sharing my heart ultimately leads to pain, misunderstanding, and a ton of abuse.
Yes, I have had more than my fair share of abuse. I have learned to simply keep my heart, my emotions, and feelings...the deep ones...to myself where no one else has access. It is no surprise that I was suicidal for years of my life. It isn't far fetched to believe how much I longed to die and how often I would pray never to wake up again. Death often was more of a place of comfort than of pain.
These are some of my more well...read them and you will get the gist of it.
Cutting Ties
The Unseen Me
Self Medicate
Ending It All
Can You Feel Me Now
I am super irritated right now. More than irritated I am hurt. Because the cycle continues. I get that I am a bit backwards when it comes to finally feeling comfortable with people. I get that its odd that when I am actually comfortable with a person I don't talk with them as much. Yet, the depth of when we do talk always goes to a very deep place. What hurts me is when I get told bullshit like...you just don't care like I do. When people do that I honestly just want to say "FUCK YOU". Of course I don't care like you do...I am NOT YOU! I care like ME! A place that YOU will never understand cause news flash...YOU AREN'T ME!
My heart is deeper than the bottomless pit and holds all of eternity. What could you possibly know about the depth of the pain, the hurt, the frustration, the passion, the hope, the faith, the joy, the love that I carry within me? Yet, on more than one occasion I am judged...I am told painful, gut wrenching...spirit killing things. Makes it really hard to cherish anything that anyone else gives as a consolation.
Guys, I make so many mistakes, hurt so many people...I get it. I am sorry. No matter how good my intentions are people still get hurt. All I can do is apologize. I AM SORRY! I get that sorry doesn't take the pain away. I get that there are a lot of things that just are not fixed by an apology. Trust gets broken with reckless actions. I get it. Even so, where is the grace? Where is the compassion? I just don't get it...
I am so tired of being blamed for others bullshit. I have enough of my own bullshit that I have to deal with. I have enough condemnation, shame, and frustration I deal with on a daily basis. I don't need anyone else to pile their shit on top of me. I have a ton of my own issues that I have to deal with. I can't keep wiping bratty baby asses or clean up all of the vomit.
If grace and forbearance are what we are supposed to show one another...CAN I GET SOME? Can I get some of the type of grace that takes into consideration all that is going on? The type that asks me whats really going on? The type that doesn't get upset and frustrated when I fall short? The type that works with me? The type that encourages me to go beyond what I can see? The kind that will just sit with me while I feel miserable and frustrated? The type that says hey...I got your back...you don't have to tell me exactly is going on, just know I got you.
I feel like even that is too much to ask for.
I feel like that type of heart is expected of me, yet not something that I should receive.
No, not everyone treats me in the above manner. Its just the ones that do...fuck it up for everyone else. Its hard for me to trust any more. I am surprised I even trust that God is even good. With all the shit I have been seeing and experiencing. I am glad that is one thing that I am for sure on. I am glad through it all...at least that relationship is thriving. That He gets me. That He understands. That He cares. That He just sits with me when I feel like crap. Even though I never know how to really receive from Him...at least He is patient with me...He walks me through it all.
You Love Me
When its all said and done, I know how sensitive and emotional I am. I realize just how much I have stored up...how much of a beating I have taken. Taking in deep breaths I simply fight to hold back my own tears. For so many years I have not given myself permission to cry. To this day, it is very rare for my to cry on my own outside of God just doing something huge in our time together.
I will get over that one day...
BUT...
That day just isn't today.
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