I was thinking about bringing out an old blog and just posting as is, but then felt that I should update and add the lessons I have learned this past year. This post is a compilation of a few years of growth. The plain text is where I was at when I first started this journey, and the italic print is what I have learned over the last year. Hopefully this will serve to bring more understand as to where I have come from and what God is doing in me currently.
I was born with a prophetic gifting that, until recent
months, I had grown to hate. It wasn’t that the gift didn’t work, but rather it
worked too well. I have come to believe that our greatest gifts and talents can
also become our greatest hindrance and curse. It is not that the gift is bad or
functions in a negative way. It has more to do with the perspective of the one
using the gift and the consequences (both positive and negative) that come from
using it. In my case, it was a curse because there was little understanding
concerning prophetic utterances. I only understood I could see things others
couldn’t. I understood things that I had no business understanding. I had
wisdom on topics that a second grader should not have known about. I had more
discernment than I knew what to do with. Yet, the gift was treated as a cancer
to be treated and cured. I was the sickly person that had to be kept at arm’s
length because what I had somehow would contaminate others. I was never the guy
people wanted around when secrets were being laid bare. I was also the guy no
one wanted around when people wanted to start spouting bullshit. Before I had
realized it, I had developed a nose for sniffing out the truth. Even as I
recount this I realize I have many gifts that I have simply not exercised in
such a long time because of the trauma…rather because of the blame I have
placed on my gifts.
Even after a year of
growth, I find this is still true concerning certain ways that I see my gifts
work. I have continued to struggle in the area of giving directional prophetic
words, because of the stigma that has been gained due to bad teaching and
shallow understandings. Many times I have been prompted to give words
concerning direction, but I have hesitated in giving such words. There is a
level of fear that I deal with concerning the accuracy of such words and how
often times they can be perceived in a negative way. This is also true when it
comes to the area of dream interpretation. Though I know I have the ability to
do it, I never branch out to grow in it because it feels like much of an enigma
with too many loose ends. Even though there have been many negative points
through this year journey, I have found encouragement as I have overcome many
of these painful perspectives.
As a prophetic person, experiences have shaped the way I
view my gifts and understand the workings of the Lord. It really doesn’t help
when your view of the Lord is based upon the people that he has sent to
minister to you, but have single handedly torn down every shred of identity
that you thought you had. No, this is not me bashing on the people. If anything
I am grateful for the presence of those who tore me down. It has caused a lot
to begin to transpire in my life currently. However, I do want to highlight the
power of the words that we so carelessly speak to one another. I am convinced
that many of us still vastly underestimate the power of the words that we use
towards one another in passing. We often do not give credence to what is being
said. We typically say the first thing that pops into our minds without asking
if it will build a person up or will it tear them down. At times we are unaware
that we attach ourselves to the words of others or rather, those words begin to
attach themselves to us trying to become a part of our being. First the
thoughts tend to bounce off of us as we shrug them off. They then start to
sting as they begin to chip away at the walls of confidence we had erected.
Slowly but surely the essence of these words, slip through the cracks in our
confidence slowly but surely sabotaging the confidence we once had. Before we
know it the essence of the foul words spoken to us, become the launching point
of our identity. Much like an evil king conquering vast lands, these lies begin
to take over the kingdom within and subject it to abuse and a foreign culture;
all liberty and freedom snuffed out.
What a difference a
year can make! After seeing the devastation of thoughtless words, I have begun
to see what happens when finely crafted words are used to bring healing to the
broken. Nothing can really prepare you for seeing the miraculous happen as a
result of a word from the Lord being spoken right on time. No one can prepare
you for what happens when words go forth than bring healing to a heart, soul,
and spirit. Nothing can prepare you for encountering the presence of Jesus
busting down the defenses and he simply says, “I LOVE YOU!” Nothing you can
ever do will prepare you for the moments when your gifting is used to set
someone free from years of bondage. Yet, it makes the years of pain,
frustration, sadness, and anger worth it. That is what this year has wrought
for me. I have begun to be on the receiving end of the blessings that occur
when words are used properly, when the prophetic is used the way God had
intended it. When words are full of grace, saturated in love, and delivered in
gentleness, the power released is inexplicable. I have witnessed hearts heal in
ways I just cannot explain as a result of learning how to speak the way Jesus
speaks to me. Funny, seeing as the greatest command I know of is that we love
others as Christ has loved us. I think it becomes so important to give to
others what Jesus has first given to us. That love, that tenderness, it makes
life so much more bearable, and his words…they are sweet like honey and are
more satisfying than anything you could imagine.
My time journeying has brought me face to face with a
kingdom in the midst of rebellion. That ol’ crafty dictator has managed to stir
me up in such a way that I have sounded the TRUMPET for freedom. He once had power and control, but everything
is shifting. The very foundations of his empire are feeling the reverberations
of the sound of freedom. My inner voice…the sound of the resistance cries…NO
MORE!!! WE SHALL BE FREE!!!
2015 is a big year for
seeing freedom manifest in our lives. I have seen chains being severed from
people, by angelic host. I have seen people being given keys for which to
unlock their bonds. I have heard the Lord say, “Those who want me will most
assuredly find me. Those who are trying to look away will have a hard time
because I am burning brightly. I am going to Love the hell out of them to such
a degree that changes will happen no matter what. The BRIDE will know how
PASSIONATELY IN LOVE WITH HER I AM!” We are in a time where people are going to
be getting set up by God to experience his LOVE and KINDNESS towards them.
Favor is being dispensed like never before and people are about to uncover gems
of revelation that they had been seeking for years. This is a year of
celebration and getting to know God as the intimate Lover he is! The sounds of
freedom are ringing in the Heaven. FREEDOM IS CALLING!!!
This all brings me to a place where I am face to face with
the trauma of the past. The memories of the people, places, and things that
were used to cut me deeply are what I am now facing head on. Sometimes I wonder
what was I even thinking, letting go of all that I had been given. Then I
realize, I was bullied, picked on, mistreated, and fed lies from the day my
gifts began to surface. See the most significant voices in my life at the time,
were the very ones that helped destroy me from the inside out. Were they
purposely trying to do it? No, absolutely not. Most of them were trying the
best they could to look out for me. They were doing the best they could with
the knowledge they possessed. So I do not fault them. Yet, I am at a place in
life where that does not change the fact that the trauma was inflicted. As
well-meaning as they were…friendly fire happened and I became the unintentional
target. No matter how many times they may apologize it will NEVER take back the
pain, hurt, tears, and frustration that were caused. They cannot make up for
the sleepless nights they caused. Do I blame them no, but I do acknowledge what
was done to me. I am brave enough to say that what was done was not okay. I
openly forgive those who hurt me. They honestly didn’t know what they were
doing. But, I am unwilling to brush over this stuff anymore because it really
did affect me.
Fragments are what I
have learned to call these memories and traumatic experiences. I have also
learned that most people have these in place. I have also realized that these
are safety mechanisms that have worked to keep our souls safe from damage due
to these memories and experiences. When we are young we are not able to bear
the load caused by such experiences. As a result part of our soul fragments to
envelop the experience safely shielding us from the impact of the trauma.
However, because the fragment is disconnected from the whole, it stops its
development much like a branch broken away from a tree. However, since the
fragment never dies, it tends to respond to like experiences years down the
road. I have spent most of the last year dealing with many of my own fragments
and the effects of them. It is hard because you often come face to face with
experiences that have long been forgotten. Yet, as I have walked through these
things, I have begun to realize that fragments can be healed. The soul as a
whole can be healed. Our identity can at times be veiled because of these
fragments. As we deal with them, we come into a better understanding of who we
are and who God created us to be.
In the place of forgiving those that have hurt me, I also
must begin the processes of forgiving myself. The shame, guilt, and pain run
deep. In so many ways I still blame myself for so much. These last few years
have taught me a lot about personal responsibility and owning up to my own
foolishness. I have begun to recognize that before I even became a teenager I
began blaming myself for things that were out of my control, but also for
things that I was blaming others for. I held myself as a horrible person
because I kept blaming others. Even after understanding how to stop blaming
others, I continued to condemn myself. It is an absolute horrible place to live
let me tell you. Yet, that is what was comfortable for me…a place I could
withdraw to. I subconsciously started to live in a place where performance was
the most important thing. I had become the harsh judge that would scrutinize
over every misstep. I could never get over the lies that fueled the cycle of
performance because I was under the spell of the lies that had been spoken over
me by others for so long. I was headlong in a whirlpool of lies, guilt,
condemnation, and shame. However, here is where the story takes a turn.
Forgiveness is the key
to learning how to walk with God in a deep place. We MUST begin understanding
his forgiveness for us, and in turn learning to forgive others. This is one of
the biggest keys to relationship with God. Another key I have found is learning
to trust God. Walking with God is not the easiest thing in the world because of
the various blockages we have in our perspectives. If I were to summarize it, I
would say that relating to God is like relating to your best friend. You don’t
have to try hard to impress your best friend. They are your best friend for a
reason. Through the good, the bad, the ugly, and the downright hysterical, they
are there for you. They love you as you are and choose to walk with you because
you are simply yourself. The expectation is to walk together through life not
for what you can do for the other but because you just like that person. That
is how I see learning to trust and walk with God. It isn’t about what I can
bring to the table it’s about learning how to relate to Him. He is not worried
about me impressing Him. There really isn’t anything I can do, that will
impress Him anyways. It is at the point when I stopped trying to impress him
that I began to realize something. HE LIKED ME! Not for what I could do, but
because of who I was to Him. Learning this reality, has helped me learn to
trust and walk with Him. Not because of the things that he can do, but because
He is amazing. His forgiveness wasn’t something that I had to work for. It was
always extended towards me. In seeing this reality, I realized forgiving others
wasn’t about a decision to forgive them, it was a heart posture that said, hey
I like you, and not matter what you do my heart will not change towards you. My
forgiveness is a done deal on my side, and something freely extended to you
without condition, without expectation. God forgave me without me ever first
apologizing to Him. My apology didn’t make God forgive me. His forgiveness was
towards me was never dependent on my ability to ask for it. It was a choice he
made without my permission. This is the largest lesson I have learned this
year. Forgiveness isn’t given because someone comes to apologize. Forgiveness a
heart posture that is not dependent on the perpetrator. God is a lot better
than I ever could have imagined.
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