I have been in Texas for 23 days now, and what a ride it has been. For the first time in a long while I feel like I am home. This time in Texas has afforded me so many different experiences that I still do not understand how I haven't passed out and died due to the shock of everything. Many who know me have heard about this move, the stress involved with it, and the overwhelming sense of adventure that has been brewing. Now here, I have yet to be disappointed. I have been recording audio notes so I can compile a better blog at a later date. For now I just want to expand on the things that God has really been teaching me through all of this.
I find it quite interesting that I have come full circle on the whole identity topic...rather a new facet of the topic is unfolding before my very eyes. HAHA...I am getting wrecked by Holy Spirit right now as I am writing this. I pray a blessing over you as you are reading this. Holy Spirit as you have been doing a work in my heart concerning how fearfully and wonderfully I am made I ask that you would take the reader straight into the Fathers heart and begin to speak to that place in them. Let them experience the love of the Father, Son, and yourself. Shaka!!! So as I am living here on this ranch, Dad consistently has been talking to me about how I have been made. We have had so many fights its ridiculous. In 23 days I have spent so many mornings venting to God, cussing God out in my heart, blaming Him for certain circumstances, even at one point out right saying I hate you soooooo much. Yet, even now I cannot escape the depths of how much He loves me and continues to pursue me. He is so good at being who He is. In these 23 days have have been loved in ways I never imagined. I have felt him in ways that simply blow my mind. I have seen Him do things that just make my tear up and weep. Even through all of my temper tantrum throwing, He has faithfully walked me through the rockiest parts of my heart. I love HIM so much.
Part of the frustration that I had been feeling had to do with not feeling like who I am as a person really is worth much. I know the proper "Christian" answer is that I am loved and that I am worth much. Yet, that has not been the reality in which I have been able to perceive things. Man, I have felt pretty damn low if I just may be so bold. Inadequate, that is another word I would have used to describe what I was feeling. Let me be the first to say this...comparisons are fucking stupid. Comparisons are the thing that have robbed me and many others of our sense of individuality and value. WHY??? Because we see someone else and what they are doing and begin to try to emulate what they are doing...never once considering that maybe....just maybe...the way we are doing things is perfectly fine.
THAT IS A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT!
It happens within family units, school systems, the business world...heck...the Church as well. This stuff kills. I have seen peoples spirits get assassinated by one well places or ill placed comparison (just depends on how you are looking at this). I have seen some of the most vile blood shed take place within the psyche of an individual as a result of a comparison. How do I know...well...I lived it. For the longest time I was compared to my older brother. He was the model student. His temperament was excellent, and he was very compliant. At that point in my life...he and I were polar opposites. I loathed and hated the people that made those comparisons...but even more so...I secretly hated him because unconsciously I was losing myself to actually become so much like him. See he was consistently praised, given awards, and told how wonderful he was. Me...not so much. I was starved for those things. To be honest, I think I spent most of my childhood subconsciously looking for his approval so I could go back to being myself (wow, this is revelation for me).
So what do you think that these 23 days has consisted of?
Ding Ding Ding!!!
You guessed it.
Dad has been affirming just how wonderful and unique I am. As I stated earlier I have been fighting with Dad about a lot concerning this because of how battered my heart has been. We have spent close to 5 years on this topic of identity. Never really deviating from it. It has been the single most talked about thing between God and I. Moving to Texas has only heightened the intensity of the talk.
What has been amusing to me is that even though I have been fighting with God on this...I have noticed just how different people I have known for years are starting to look at me. The things they say, the way they talk...it has really changed. At first I thought they had changed and I was getting really frustrated about it. That is until God let me in on a secret. I was the last one to figure it out...I was the one that was changing. People are having a hard time recognizing me because I am becoming the man/son that I was originally intended to be. Which is kinda scary....okay....I almost peed myself when Dad started showing me what was going on.
I was in the office at work yesterday, and I started to read an article posted by my buddy Praying Medic. The article was talking about the journey of a prophetic feeler. As I read...my heart was instantly tenderized. Holy Spirit was already doing some prep work in me. I hit the half way point in the article, which was talking about valuing our gifts and repenting. I then felt electricity shoot through my body. It was so bad that I had to get out of my chair cause every time I felt a surge my chair was vibrating pretty loud. I started repenting for devaluing what God had given me as a gift. I finally realized that the gifts that I have...they really were gifts he delighted in giving me. That revelation had me doubled over and shaking. I felt things being put back and restored. As I continued repenting I saw moments of my life flashing before my eyes and I just apologized for telling Him some of the most hurtful things I had said to Him. I was starting to get that He really did love me. He gave me any of the abilities that I had because it delighted Him and that He wanted them to bless me.
After I left the office I started contemplating how I was wired. It was like a ton of bricks hitting me all at once. I finally got it. How I am wired is wonderful. The things that I love to do, the way I connect to God...its unique to me. No one will ever do it quite the way that I do it. As there are over 6.5 Billion unique people in this world...no one with the same finger print...so it is with the way that I connect to God. So it is with how I operate with Holy Spirit. It really is unique to me. He began to share with me that I no longer need to get offended by people who operate differently than me. Nor do I need to feel like I need to conform because people do not get how I operate. We have the freedom to flow with Holy Spirit on our own journeys. Always encouraging each other to walk with the God-Head the way we were designed to. Sharing wisdom and tidbits to help each other experience God in new ways. The best part was that I no longer have to be offended if people do not have the same revelation I have in certain things. I get to come along side and pray and ask Jesus to show them what he has been showing me in the way that will best impact their heart.
In 23 day something radical has taken place in me. I realize before I was, God was BOUT THAT LYFE! What's more is that is continues to be BOUT THAT LYFE!
This blog is already more wordy than I had anticipated so I will do a part 2 update on this and expand on my personal frequency...the way I vibrate in the spirit and the way I am wired.
Father I pray right now that you would encounter your children. That you would show them how wonderful they are wired. Show them that you did not make a mistake with them. Bring specific moments into there hearts and minds that will help them remember how awesome you see them. I speak blessing and restoration over broken hearts. Dad, thanks for being SOOOO AWESOME! Jesus you are marvelous!
Monthly Challenge:
I want to issue 5 challenges.
- Everyday, take about 5 minutes and find 5-10 different things about yourself that you absolutely love. Take those 5 minutes and encourage yourself while looking in the mirror.
- As you go through your day find 1-2 different people and find 1-3 reasons to be thankful for them. This is especially good if it is people that you dislike or have a problem with. Take a piece of paper and jot down your thoughts. Compile them. After about a month select a few people from your list and write a little thank you note for them.
- Find a way to go out of your comfort zone a 3 times a week to show extreme kindness to someone (they can be 3 different people).
- In your prayer time with the Father spend 80% of your time in thanksgiving and praise, and the other 20% listening to what the Lord would have to say to you (meaning don't make requests, ask Him questions but make no requests.)
- This one is a group exercise. Find some friends and every time someone makes a negative comment, that person is to find 3 positive things about whoever or what ever the comment was directed at.
Stay Tuned for more fun!
This is wonderful to hear, and music to my soul. Keep it up.
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