The Toxic Mix of Slander and Gossip

Some days you just need to get to a coffee shop to watch videos on You Tube to get the creative juices flowing and to calm your mood. That is where I am right now, away from my stress to actually figure a few things out finally. Inspirational videos of great artist, vocalist, and other musicians typically are a great cure for what ails me. Now that I am in better spirits I can probably synthesize my frustration a bit more accurately.

Recently I posted a video that contained something that Victoria Osteen had stated. I believe quite emphatically that she could have made her statement more clearly and to the point so as to be understood better, but even so, what she said resonated and rung true to me. I have been privilege to read a few things by Joel Osteen that have helped me out of a cycle of stinky thinking. As result, I have morphed from being a hater, to someone who respects Joel. However, another important factor in my choice to stand up for Joel and Victoria has to do with the understanding I now have concerning the idea of slander and gossip.

It is one thing to disagree with someone based upon an understanding that we carry. It is proper to express perceived differences to come to an understanding, even going as far as exchanging ideas to help cause illumination to happen for an individual. Constructive conversations and even intense disagreements are perfectly fine and acceptable. Where the line gets crossed is when the he said she said stuff starts to come out. This is also known as gossip, which is simply second hand information that doesn’t come from any of the parties being talked about. Another line that gets crossed often which in my estimation is more deadly than gossip is slander. People think that it is okay to talk negatively about a person they do not know. At times super-imposing ideas based upon biases that they carry, or gossip that they have heard. None of it can really be verified by the accused parties since it is typically carried out behind the backs of those who are being slandered.

Both gossip and slander are things that are weapons of mass destruction that at times can cause irreparable damage to those that it is used against. Gossip and slander, are not like nuclear weapons that can totally incinerate you within a matter of moments. They are like super toxic poisons that corrode from the inside out. Just the smallest bit of these poisons can cause more damage that one could anticipate. These poisons are deadly because they are spread quite easily and are highly contagious. The American culture is a like a petri dish that is primed for the incubation of said poisons. Very few people are fully immune to the effects of slander and gossip or becoming carriers who infect others with its deadly contamination. Yet, the most harm that comes from gossip and slander actually occurs in the carriers and spreaders of the poison, not the people who are the target of the slander or gossip. It is ironic, gossip and slander, much like un-forgiveness and bitterness, affect the host more than it will affect the target of the poison.

People do not understand that gossip and slander erode who we are as people at the core. We start manifesting things we never thought possible, and most of the time it goes under the radar and un-diagnosed for years at a time. By the time these things become apparent, habits, thought processes, biases, and prejudices have begun to solidify, making it quite difficult to uproot or administer a cure. The sad part about the whole situation is that it causes people to become delusional, suspicious, zealous, combative, and have problems understanding. People become passionate defenders of what they perceive as truth, to the point that their eye sight to see a different perspective becomes severely hindered. People who have opposing viewpoints are no longer seen as family, friends, or brothers in arms. They become antagonist, enemies, and people to be subdued (or brought into the truth). The us versus them mentality becomes clear to see to those on the outside, but to those who are in the thick of things they often times to do not realize that this approach is the root cause of violent conflict (be it spiritual or physical…more on this in a future blog).

I want to offer the response I gave in response to some who were slandering Victoria Osteen’s comments.

               This is the comment that prompted my response:

So defiling the gospel is okay? When you twist scripture (like Satan did), its cool? That's what I got out of that one. What you said was true about the men God elected and called, but they repented of what they did. So Joel repents after ever service of how far he preaches from the truth? Theological understanding in America is so pathetic....

I will only address one thing that has been said here. People are so freaking enamored with false teachers and false doctrine and all the other false things, that most of the time when truth hits them in the face they don't know how to recognize it simply because they have been paying attention to the fakes for so long.

That much being said, I personally think that it would simply be better to let fakes run their mouths and do all the smoke and mirrors stuff they do, than to spend all our energy worrying about who is fake and who is not. Ultimately Paul summed up the gospel rather easily. It is not in mere words but in the demonstration of power. It bears fruit (love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, joy, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control). It is summed up in Love. Jesus said something very interesting, "They will know that you are my disciples by your LOVE." Not by how well you understand doctrine, having perfect theology, saying the right things, quoting the right scriptures, the way your worship music sounds, how much you fast, how loud pray...He said simply by your love...Funny, these are all things I HAVE heard Joel talk about and preach MANY times.

People are so wrapped up on this whole "prosperity Gospel" thing that they have forgotten that it’s because of the Gospel that we can enjoy REAL prosperity. I mean I am pretty sure the same guy that I mentioned...David penned, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." That is something that we eventually did see in the life of David. David desired for a house of worship to the Lord be built...guess what...IT WAS BUILT by his son Solomon. Jesus said, "Ask anything in my name and it will be given to you..." He also said, "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open to you..." The funny thing is...most of us try to rationalize what Jesus said, but He also made a very important statement that many of us forget..."let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these." You have talked about theology, but I am pretty sure Jesus meant what he said. Maybe just maybe this is so far of our Western Civilized grid, because Jesus made it THAT EASY. He made it SO EASY it’s HARD.

See, I find it even more intriguing that within the pages of the bible, you find that our main characters received such grace from God even in the midst of their short comings and hang ups. But if they had lived today...most would hear the same chanting that Jesus heard, "Crucify Him, Crucify Him." We play so civilized but we are just as blood thirsty as the crowd that wanted to kill Jesus. The only difference being we do so subtly. We would rather assassinate a person’s character and disqualify them from "ministry" than to see them "lead someone astray", when in fact I can only imagine the kind of fall out that happened when David took that census and caused countless people to lose their lives. I wonder if the people wanted to have him dethroned...but you see in scripture he kept his position. Yet, if Joel Osteen doesn't preach enough about sin, we want him OUT. He is a FALSE TEACHER a FALSE PROPHET. Give me a break. This is pitiful guy, just pitiful.

I mean really, Jesus had a great idea that I think is brilliant. Ever read the parable of the wheat and the tares. That sums up my feeling of how to deal with those who are "wolves in sheep's clothing" and those who are "called of God". Let them grow together. After a given time it will be seen what they are. Once fully matured then deal with them as needed. Notice, the servants in said parable were given specific instructions NOT to deal with the tares until the proper time. Who among us know when that perfect timing is? Ya, I didn't think so. We do more damage fighting this battle trying to pluck things out of the soil than we do by letting things grow to seen for what they truly are. It is rather SHORT sided and immature honestly.

Yes, I am saying exactly what you think I am saying. Let those who preach a false gospel continue to preach. Given a proper amount of time it will reveal itself for what it is. Meanwhile, that does put more responsibility on the average person to take the time to become familiar with God rather than use the cookie cutter model of Christianity...or as I refer to it..."Churchianity". It will NEVER fall on to a leader to make you more mature in your walk with Christ. That is the Holy Spirit's job. Every teacher of the Gospel or Pseudo teacher of the Gospel will have to give an account for what they have spoken and taught. God will deal with them how he needs to deal with them. However, it really just isn't beneficial to sit her and hurl slanderous arrows at a person just because we do not get where they are coming from, or they are violating our understanding of scripture. Honestly, that is just arrogant on many accounts.

Do I think Joel and his wife Victoria are perfect? No.

Do I think that they have a lot to learn about delivering things? You bet.

Am I willing to call them false teachers or false prophets? No, not at all.

Am I willing to be mature enough to eat the meat and spit out the bones? Yep, but that is something I do with a lot of "bible" teachers. Yes, this includes but is not limited to...MacArthur, Driscoll, Bell, Piper, Wright, Edwards, Nee, Murray, Prince, Meyer, White, Hinn, Wommack, Johnson, Vallotton, Silk, Cooke...just to name a few.

All of these men and women, have blessed me tremendously, but have also caused a bit of frustration. Are they false teachers? NO. Are they false prophets? NO. They all have perspectives that differ from each other, yet line up with scripture. Imagine that. We have some who are Trinitarian in there theology, and some who are not. We have some who are Calvinists and others who are not. Charismatic, Presbyterian, Lutheran, Baptist, Non-Denominational...I mean who freaking cares which label they are. Do they love Jesus? Are they walking with him? Are they on a journey? Okay then let us move right along because they are no different than you or I.

I have made major errors, yet none of those who know me would ever dream of calling me a false teacher or prophet. Everyone who has posted on this thread has done the same things. There are no crazy accusations being hurled at you guys for what you have taught or believed at one point...so why the heck are we sitting in the seat of judgment over them when we know it would be HYPOCRITICAL to do, since we have made errors in speaking, thinking, and critiquing? We have all had to learn and grow given time and mistakes.

Theological understanding in America isn't pathetic, however, people would rather their theology over relationship with the one who has perfect theology and is committed to helping people journey into said theology. People don't want to get messy, to make mistakes; to have a functional theology that actually WORKS outside of their little bubbles. The study of God will always pale in comparison to actually knowing and walking WITH HIM. Study is not synonymous with knowing. Funny thing is you can study someone without knowing them, but you cannot know this without continually being with them and studying them. Knowing about someone is definitely different than actually knowing said person. That is where Western Christianity misses the mark. Not all of Western Christianity, I wouldn't want to overgeneralize and marginalize the people who actually spend their time KNOWING God rather than knowing about God.

In my opinion, no matter how you slice this, whether you dislike Joel and Victoria, it does no one any good to sit here and complain about how horrible they are. What is it going to change? It is a bad idea to grumble and complain about someone you disagree with that God has put his stamp of approval on. Why not simply ask God for understanding in places that rub you the wrong way? Just saying, he doesn't carry our biases. So my vote is to simply wait until God makes a distinctive judgment on this issue whether wheat or tare.

Again, the topic of slander and gossip are things that I take with utmost seriousness. I have seen too many people hurt from deciding to slander and gossip about others, as well as the fall out of broken relationships of those who have been slandered and gossiped against. It isn’t a pretty sight. There are areas that we need to get in check otherwise the church will continue to look foolish and like a non-option to the world around it. It is not a great idea to kill those you call your own or carry the same label “Christian” as you. In this way, there is still not much of a distinction between those who say they follow Jesus and those who don’t. We have to get to the stuff that is underneath the hood rather than looking to fix cosmetic issues. There are deeper issues to be dealt with if Christians as a whole in North America want to be taken seriously by those in our own neighborhoods as well as across the world. It is kind of depressing to hear that in various places in the world Christians are praying not to turn out like American Christians.

Just some food for thought.

Racism and Where I Have Come From

I posted a mini rant from a friend on Facebook today which garnered a lot of attention, which I was not expecting. It wasn’t long before I was smack dab I the middle of a white vs. black perspective debate on racism. From where I was sitting, I could see and understand both viewpoints. Though, at one point I became more interested in the disagreement than the perspectives. At one point this idea was shared:

“Racism = A systematized attempt to subjugate a people group that does not hold privilege.

Prejudice = A judgment of another people group, privileged or not.

Discrimination = Acting on prejudice.

If you are a WHITE male, you are privileged. That does not mean you are rich, it means that you hold certain privileges that black males don’t.”

This might be hard to swallow, but as a black man I find this to be very true. An example of this can be seen with this social experiment.

It sucks to see this in action, but for many black young men, this is the type of double standard that we face day in and day out. I for one have been on the receiving end of some pretty messed up things on account of my skin color.

I want to be very careful not to marginalize or even over emphasize the way in which these things happen, but I cannot speak for every single black male on the face of the planet. What I can say is that in my experience of 28 years, I have seen some things that absolutely blow my mind.

With the recent happenings in Ferguson, I find the media propaganda and certain remarks made by people as an exasperation of an already touchy subject. What’s more is that I find many white men and women ready to zero in and crucify the deceased to put the blame on him for LOOKING like a thug and for being the cause of why the officer felt threatened. People, I am 5’4 115lbs and could cause a cop to feel threatened just because I am black, and believe me it has happened before.

What is it about a black person that causes this suspicion, or the need to walk on eggshells? What causes people to feel like they have to become politically correct? I honestly do not understand? Are the roots of generational discrimination, prejudice, and racism still prevalent in the way that we see people? Are we still stuck in the era of slavery in which black people are less than a full person? Why is it that a black male cannot get the same treatment as a white male? Meaning in our high profile cases why is it that we have more white males making it into police cars to be apprehended than black males? Can someone answer me with this Ferguson case, why people were so quick to mistake Mike Brown and Joda Cain as if to pardon Officer Wilson and absolve him of the incident that occurred? Yet, if the situation had been reversed things would have had a drastically different outcome. I find these things to be quite troubling.

I’ll go so far as to say this though it might seem petty. Why is it that I had to work at 200% capacity as a high school baseball player, to get the same consideration as another athlete of equal skill who was only working at 70% capacity? He plays and starts the whole season, and I sit the bench. The only difference between the two of us, I was black he was white. Note we played international baseball together on the same team, both of us as starters. I had a better work ethic which was known by both the coaching staff and other players.

Before people start cheering or throwing stones at me let me talk about black people real quick as a black person. If the only think that can cause us to come together is unfair treatment and a murder, then we are doing it wrong.

I probably will not be liked for what I am about to say, but that’s nothing new for me. I was born African American, I definitely look the part, but for most of my 28 years of living, I have been referred to as an ‘Oreo’. This is something that I have become rather numb to as I spent so many years in agonizing pain dealing with a crisis of identity because of black people. Now before I continue, I am not saying this about all black people. I haven’t met all black people, however, the ones that I do know, many have at some point made this derogatory remark or something like it towards me.

I lived on the ‘wrong’ side of town, had the ‘wrong’ friends, didn’t talk ‘black’ enough, didn’t dress ‘black’ enough, and made to feel less than most of my peers. I was made fun of and demeaned almost every day. All of this coming not from white people, but from black people. It amazes me as I look back just how much I felt I did not belong to the culture that my phenotype displayed on a daily basis.

I don’t even want to get into the whole music industry and what is being communicated through the airwaves of our secular media, heck; even our TV programming leaves a lot to be desired. But, that is a topic that I will pick up at another time.

I am grateful for church mothers (Nana Walker, Willie Nunley, Mozelle Henderson, Mary Calip, and Mom Gooch) who honestly large reasons I was able to keep my head up while walking through much of the crap I went through at a young age. Mothers, who believed in my potential, and reminded me to keep going, I am also reminded of some of the church fathers that were around (Grover Walker, Bennie Calip, Marcus Johnson, and Willie Nunley) who took the time to establish that there was nothing that I couldn’t accomplish if I put my mind to it. These were men, who taught me not to settle for mediocre, and to go excel in every way. They taught me how to wear a suit, to tie a tie, to enunciate, and communicate with respect.

Most of that was undone by my peers, those I spent ample time with. No matter what great things I was taught, there was this looming reality that was more tangible than the dreams and hopes that an older generation could see in me.

This is where I first realized the deep well of frustration and resentment I carried towards the black community. I felt such a disconnection with being someone who was acceptable to the world around me. See more often than not even though I was black, I wasn’t good enough or black enough. I was talked to differently, belittled, at times to the point where my family as a whole was talked about. I heard things in secret that I was never meant to hear. I grew up eating collard greens, cornbread, ox-tails, chitterlings, black-eyed peas, sweet potato pie…just like my peers…but I was never good enough to be equal in their eyes. For a kid going through elementary school, junior high, and high school, it was rough feeling like I had no cultural identity to be proud of.

So from both sides I was the oreo, the white washed black guy, the guy who didn’t sound black, who didn’t act black, who wasn’t really black because of my eye color. After a while I became numb to it all. However, all that has changed recently. I am haunted by the poor choices of vocabulary that my peers use in reference to me. More so than being haunted…I find myself ANGRY!

I find myself in an interesting position. On the one hand I totally understand what it is like to be discriminated against by white people because of my skin tone. I know what it’s like to be watched like a hawk when going in to a store and having people follow you to make sure you don’t steal anything. I know what it’s like to be talked down to and mistreated because of my skin color. On the other hand, I know what it’s like to be treated as a privileged person. How nothing you can do is right, nothing you can say measures up. Your actions are typically always wrong, and the crap that you get for it. I know what it’s like to get an 80,000 dollar education while having to hear people talk about how you think you are better than them because of x, y, or z. I know what it’s like to have the privilege of being a musician that gets to play in Central Park and Carnegie Hall. I can see how where I was raised and the opportunities I was afforded allowed me to enjoy many privileges that others might not get.


I find that I am afforded an interesting position, a vantage point which allows to see things from two different perspectives. Let me say this blatantly, Racism sucks. Discrimination hurts. Prejudice is not okay. The conversation needs to be brought up. It needs to be addressed. As a friend of mine said it’s about time that we have a Human Rights Movement. People ALL PEOPLE, need to be treated with the same type of care and dignity. Not judged by the color of their skin, their sexual orientation, their height, weight, figure, sex...as Martin Luther King Jr. stated, "...but by the content of their character..."

The Battle with Rejection

There are few things in this world that can make me cringe internally, like the topic of rejection. It has been something that has been with me for almost 20 years in varying degrees. It viciously haunted my waking hours as well as my dreams. At some point it became more subtle and vexing often times sabotaging my life when I needed things to occur the most. My relationships, my dreams, my hopes and aspirations, even my education fell victim to this silent but deadly killer. Nothing sucks worse than to be beaten up by a foe you cannot even see or to see your dreams and relationships slip through your fingers like sand. I want to offer a bit of hope and possibly a new perspective for those who deal with rejection.

I have heard it said over and over as I was growing up from Adults, Christians, and even some well-meaning and intentioned friends, that rejection really isn’t that big of a deal.

“One must just get over it and move on.”

“Forget about what others think and do your own thing.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“If you trust God, then other people’s opinions about a subject wouldn’t even matter.”

“Don’t take it personally.”

“It’s their loss.”

“Pray for them.”

“You should go out more and make new friends.”

“Be thankful for the good in your life.”

All of these lovely gems are in my estimation a good attempt at trying to show concern, but some of the crappiest things that we could share with people going through rejection. If any of these things were that easy most people’s lives would look totally different than they do now. All that typically happens is that people either stuff the issues or deal with the symptoms never actually being free of that feeling of rejection that slowly corrodes the everyday lives that people live. Though some of these might have gems of wisdom to take from them, the delivery is rather impersonal and at times very impractical for someone who is walking through the forest of rejection.

My good friend and sister, Anny Donewald, shared this gem with me, “Although it’s true we should pray for them, no one wants to hear that shit when you’re cut and bleeding. The best thing to do when someone is going through that is to simply listen. Most of the time people just want and need to be heard.”

Janelle Evans another great friend offers a complimentary response, “Most of the time things people say aren’t really for you, but to help them avoid having to participate in your lament. Don’t comfort me with dumb phrases, just sit with me and wait for me to get over the sting. Well let me rephrase what I said about ‘avoiding’ participating in your lament. It’s not usually that they don’t care about your feelings; it’s just difficult for them to enter in. You’re in pain, and avoiding pain is a part of our natural self-preservation instinct. When we pick up on another’s pain, instead of entering it head on and sitting in it with our brothers/sisters while they mourn, we often feel a compulsive need to try and ease the
tension/uncomfortableness/awkwardness of the situation. We try to say something…some Band-Aid/quick fix words, which will ease our OWN discomfort with your pain. One thing I learned this year was that the greater the tragedy, the fewer the words which need to be spoken. We simply suffer together, trust that we must endure in the weeping but joy will return. ‘Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.”

After dealing with rejection for so long, I have actually begun to root these things out. Why is it so hard to be done with rejection which erodes the core of who I am? Well, thanks to my sister Anny who came up with the idea of rejection being like giving birth, I have a few solid thoughts concerning dealing with rejection. Any woman knows that giving birth is NOT easy. It is chaotic and at times messy. There are many people involved with giving birth as well. Firstly you have the Doctor/Midwife , usually the father of the child, the Doula, the Labor Nurse, the OB Tech, the Nursery Nurse, and Specialist as directed. If dealing with being reject is like giving birth, then the way that we have handled people who are rejected largely needs to change. One does not tell a pregnant mother to deal with the things she is going through callously. She is given the utmost support and care. The delivery is also done in a sterile environment which is a safe zone.

Knowing all of this I wonder why we are not able to give those who go through rejection the same kind of treatment. It is a tough issue as a whole to go through. One that has far reaching implications of not handled with care. Many are afflicted with the after effects of rejection gone wrong because things were not handled in an appropriate manner. Rejection often gives rise to a ton of nasty side effects and symptoms that are often times unnoticed until too late.

I want to offer some hope for those who realize they deal with rejection and its unsightly symptoms. Rejection is not something that has to rule your life or sabotage your future. The hardest thing is that you will need to acknowledge that you do deal with rejection and the issues it causes. Rather than running away from the issue, one will have to tackle it head on and owning the issue. This is not something that one can let slide. No sugar coating it! Own it! Own the fact that it is causing brokenness in your life. Own the fact that it’s creating a dynamic that you hate. Own the fact that it’s messing with relationships and dreams. That will be the most difficult part in dealing with the issue. Make no excuses for it being there, simply acknowledge its presence. As you are able to do that, it really sets YOU up to expel it from your life. Meaning when you are able to deal with rejection, you will also be dealing with its stupid symptoms as well. Yes, that means YOU as a person have to deal with the issue. It is not something that can be solved without you putting in the effort. You have to face your fears, the lies you have believed, replacing those lies with truths. There really is no place for excuses when dealing with issues like these. They must be tackled head on with RAW, UNCUT, and REAL honesty.

My friend and Author Praying Medic wrote a blog dealing with emotional healing that is a great summation of what I have also experienced. Dealing with rejection isn’t a complicated process; it is one that just needs to dealt with. It is one that may take multiple times dealing with, but ultimately there is always something to be gained as we walk through the process of dealing with the issue as a whole. In addition if you like psychology another article that might be good to look into would be a study in the stages of grief.

If you have any other questions or need to vent or work through some personal rejection issues, feel free to leave a comment.