I have heard it said over and over as I was growing up from Adults, Christians, and even some well-meaning and intentioned friends, that rejection really isn’t that big of a deal.
“One must just get over it and move on.”
“Forget about what others think and do your own thing.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“If you trust God, then other people’s opinions about a subject wouldn’t even matter.”
“Don’t take it personally.”
“It’s their loss.”
“Pray for them.”
“You should go out more and make new friends.”
“Be thankful for the good in your life.”
All of these lovely gems are in my estimation a good attempt at trying to show concern, but some of the crappiest things that we could share with people going through rejection. If any of these things were that easy most people’s lives would look totally different than they do now. All that typically happens is that people either stuff the issues or deal with the symptoms never actually being free of that feeling of rejection that slowly corrodes the everyday lives that people live. Though some of these might have gems of wisdom to take from them, the delivery is rather impersonal and at times very impractical for someone who is walking through the forest of rejection.
My good friend and sister, Anny Donewald, shared this gem with me, “Although it’s true we should pray for them, no one wants to hear that shit when you’re cut and bleeding. The best thing to do when someone is going through that is to simply listen. Most of the time people just want and need to be heard.”
Janelle Evans another great friend offers a complimentary response, “Most of the time things people say aren’t really for you, but to help them avoid having to participate in your lament. Don’t comfort me with dumb phrases, just sit with me and wait for me to get over the sting. Well let me rephrase what I said about ‘avoiding’ participating in your lament. It’s not usually that they don’t care about your feelings; it’s just difficult for them to enter in. You’re in pain, and avoiding pain is a part of our natural self-preservation instinct. When we pick up on another’s pain, instead of entering it head on and sitting in it with our brothers/sisters while they mourn, we often feel a compulsive need to try and ease the
tension/uncomfortableness/awkwardness of the situation. We try to say something…some Band-Aid/quick fix words, which will ease our OWN discomfort with your pain. One thing I learned this year was that the greater the tragedy, the fewer the words which need to be spoken. We simply suffer together, trust that we must endure in the weeping but joy will return. ‘Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.”
After dealing with rejection for so long, I have actually begun to root these things out. Why is it so hard to be done with rejection which erodes the core of who I am? Well, thanks to my sister Anny who came up with the idea of rejection being like giving birth, I have a few solid thoughts concerning dealing with rejection. Any woman knows that giving birth is NOT easy. It is chaotic and at times messy. There are many people involved with giving birth as well. Firstly you have the Doctor/Midwife , usually the father of the child, the Doula, the Labor Nurse, the OB Tech, the Nursery Nurse, and Specialist as directed. If dealing with being reject is like giving birth, then the way that we have handled people who are rejected largely needs to change. One does not tell a pregnant mother to deal with the things she is going through callously. She is given the utmost support and care. The delivery is also done in a sterile environment which is a safe zone.
Knowing all of this I wonder why we are not able to give those who go through rejection the same kind of treatment. It is a tough issue as a whole to go through. One that has far reaching implications of not handled with care. Many are afflicted with the after effects of rejection gone wrong because things were not handled in an appropriate manner. Rejection often gives rise to a ton of nasty side effects and symptoms that are often times unnoticed until too late.
I want to offer some hope for those who realize they deal with rejection and its unsightly symptoms. Rejection is not something that has to rule your life or sabotage your future. The hardest thing is that you will need to acknowledge that you do deal with rejection and the issues it causes. Rather than running away from the issue, one will have to tackle it head on and owning the issue. This is not something that one can let slide. No sugar coating it! Own it! Own the fact that it is causing brokenness in your life. Own the fact that it’s creating a dynamic that you hate. Own the fact that it’s messing with relationships and dreams. That will be the most difficult part in dealing with the issue. Make no excuses for it being there, simply acknowledge its presence. As you are able to do that, it really sets YOU up to expel it from your life. Meaning when you are able to deal with rejection, you will also be dealing with its stupid symptoms as well. Yes, that means YOU as a person have to deal with the issue. It is not something that can be solved without you putting in the effort. You have to face your fears, the lies you have believed, replacing those lies with truths. There really is no place for excuses when dealing with issues like these. They must be tackled head on with RAW, UNCUT, and REAL honesty.
My friend and Author Praying Medic wrote a blog dealing with emotional healing that is a great summation of what I have also experienced. Dealing with rejection isn’t a complicated process; it is one that just needs to dealt with. It is one that may take multiple times dealing with, but ultimately there is always something to be gained as we walk through the process of dealing with the issue as a whole. In addition if you like psychology another article that might be good to look into would be a study in the stages of grief.
If you have any other questions or need to vent or work through some personal rejection issues, feel free to leave a comment.
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