Text based communication is a quite different than face to face communication, in that one cannot really infer the tone of voice used or any other nuances that would be quite apparent if one was to sit face to face with the person they were talking with. Our reactions or actions, are typically based off of what we perceive to have been said or done. We lump motives, attitudes, and outcomes all together in a split second judgment call. Said judgment is our reference point from which we engage the conversation. Having been a perpetrator of this, I do not mind sharing all of the dirty little realities about having selective hearing or reading skills…especially if pride is on the line. In the past I have used my communication abilities to twist things that people have said, so as to belittle them and beat them down for the sake of WINNING the argument. (You lose a lot of friends this way). More than that, I lost a lot of credibility that I would have to earn back. Communication is not a competitive sport to win, but a collaborative effort that empowers all those who participate.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. –George Bernard ShawCommunication in all its glory is one of the major tools that help foster excellent relationships. When it comes to romantic relationships as well as dealing with roles between males and females I have noticed that this is an area that is frightfully lacking in understanding. I have been privy to a few awesome conversations in the last week about gender roles (in the religious context), the differences between what men need vs. what women need, and what it means to be a Man/Woman in our culture. I am pretty sure you are now starting to understand where I am heading in today’s blog. I am convinced that relationships that fall apart do so because of a breakdown in communication.
Though I have much to say about gender roles and what it means to be a man/woman, I am going to take some time to flesh out the idea of what I as a man need and how I communicate. First, let me start off by saying…I AM HIGHLY EMOTIONAL!!!! I FEEL DEEPLY!!!! Second, I am a thinker (analytical and logical). Lastly, I am passionate and intense. Alright, with that said…My primary love languages include: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. Let me redefine this…As a male I love to know that I am respected and what I have to say matters/do/offer matters. As a male I LOVE being touched. I loved being hugged, kissed, and when I get married…SEX will be AMAZING! As a male, when I am in a relationship, I want to know that I am needed/wanted by my significant other. That when she looks at me I am all that she sees. She is primary on my heart and mind to keep happy and spend time with. (Sounds a lot like my primary love languages huh?? Interesting!) I believe as a male I process things a lot differently than a female. Which is okay, we were made differently for a reason. I feel this is the reason that communication is SO IMPORTANT!
To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. –Tony Robbins
In talking with a friend last night (THANKS SARAH R.) we both realized that in dealing with the opposite sex we must understand the importance of communicating in the way that they can best receive. Instead of trying to be stubborn and communicate in a selfish manner, we take the time to learn the language of our significant other. A friend and co-worker pointed out the value of communicating intentionally and the importance of taking the time to actually listen. It does no one any good if the bulk of the conversation is spent trying to prove the other person wrong.
So in response to the topic that was presented to me this morning about the issue of the needs of men vs. women, I simply have this to say…Both sides are right. There is no dispute. But you have to realize that you are coming from two different perspectives from which you are viewing things from. A woman will NEVER be able to see things through the male lens in its totality, but the reverse is also true. There are many nuances so generalizations do not work for everyone one. With that being said, with the way the subject was brought up…it would pay to simply stick with the question or thought that was being presented. Making an argument about something that was irrelevant to the topic as a whole serves to throw a wrench in the whole communication idea that I was talking about as the top of the blog. It puts people at odds when there is no need for it. Valid points were made across the board. However, where I draw the line is where subtle cheap shots are thrown to prove a point. Personal opinion…NOT OK! :)
All of this plays into the idea of The American dream for my generation. I am not sure that it has ever been communicated in this way so I will do my best to echo what I have heard over the years. My generation values relationships and great communication….WHY??? Because in a lot of ways our parents pursued an American dream that left really NO time for us. This is not a low blow directed at the previous generation in the least. However it is a wake up call so that many will begin to have eyes to see the things that we value.
A person isn’t who they are during the last conversation you had with them – they’re who they’ve been throughout your whole relationship. –Rainer Maria Rilke
My Father, now retired, worked at his job for 30+ years. Talk about longevity. It paid the bills, gave my brother and I many opportunities, and a lifestyle he NEVER got to live. I am extremely grateful! I love how my Dad sacrificed for me. Though, now being a 27 year old…if I could go back in time to give my Dad some advice…it would go like this…, “Dad, thanks for all you are doing cause I know you are thinking of me. I know you are concerned about my future. Pops, I don’t need all the stuff. I don’t need you to spend countless hours at the job, only to go to the church right when you get off. I don’t need all of the trips. What I need is you! What I need is not the toys, the games, the greatest house….I need your presence. I need to know in an intimate way that I am loved by you. That I am valued and cherished. That the ideas I have make you proud.” I would say the same thing to my mother as well. It isn’t because I am ungrateful, but rather that I have learned something and know how to clearly articulate what I have needed all of these years.
In my generation there seems to be a push for the original American Dream…, “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” I live in a generation of dreamers, that want more than the 9-5 rat race of cubicle living. We are caught in a sticky place of wanting to explore all of the uniqueness that makes us who we are but living in this world that our parents and forefathers created for us that say you have to follow the formula to actually be successful. I have a 4 year college degree, and a job…I AM IN NO WAYS HAPPY WITH HOW I AM LIVING…Why you ask??? Because it is void of adventure, creativity, passion, and excitement. You might ask…well what about your children??? Yes, I do think of them. I want to leave them a legacy that reminds them ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. GO FOR IT AND TRUST THE FAITHFULNESS OF THE ULTIMATE FATHER.
See for my generation we crave relational intentionality. We are not catching these things by osmosis. We crave a raw realness from the generations around us as well as our peers. Cookie cutter answers and methods do not suit us. We are deep thinkers who ponder mysteries, whose minds and imaginations race among the stars. We are creators shaping the world around us. What we “lack” is meaningful worthwhile relationships with those who should be closest to us. If I could only share my deepest dreams and secrets with my family and have them really understand…it would do my heart good. But I know too many others who feel the same. Our generation cries out for the freedom to try! The freedom to make mistakes! The freedom to be bigger than the circumstances that often attempt to limit our potential. This is the generation that I am a part of. This is the generation I identify with. I don’t need a house with a lawn, a dog, and a white picket fence. Let me do what I love with out restriction…give me a healthy, supportive, community and I will be okay. Give me some wind so that I can learn to fly and you will see great things happen.
My parents dreams for me are just that. "Their" dreams for me. I love my parents SO MUCH. I just have a different vision for the life that I must live. My dreams are different. 9-5 isn’t my cup o tea. I am an artist…I need to spend my days creating. Otherwise…I will be 70 regretting the things I could have done, but never actually did. That is not the way to live.
A fun fact, a lot of you reading this blog probably have inferred that my tone has been rather harsh, sarcastic, and/or mean. However, from where I am sitting as the author I can assure you that I am actually coming from a lighthearted, jovial, yet contemplative place. As such, if you thought my tone was harsh, your defenses would have been up and you might not have actually taken the time to finish reading the whole blog. I know this is a generalization, but if one finds offense with something written…often times they will begin to skim through what is being said and look for red flags, or buzz words in which to argue with. So if that was you (I was like that quite a bit when I was younger), I would just ask that you take some time to re-read all of this. These are simply my thoughts on communication, relationships, and the American dream. They are all subject to change as my perspective of life changes. :) I cant wait.
Blessings!
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