Time Machine: Me A Year Ago

My fingers move frantically in a sporadic fashion….my thoughts slowly moving in and out of conscious space. Do I try typing what is in my mind or do I simply wait for that bolt of inspiration (I came back to do some edits because I decided to let my fingers just type). It is at this point where I stop and stare at this mountain that is seemingly barring my path to freedom. Many a writer will find themselves at this point …that mountain known as writers block (This place has prevented me from writing for 4 months now). For what reason, I know not, yet a worthy adversary it has proven to be these many years. This feeling in the pit of my stomach…things are vastly different than before. Change is what I feel, yet what is it that has changed? What is so different now than from before? Serenity…stillness has settled into my once wavering heart (A lot of my memories have started to be healed). The frantic pace that once consumed every part of me has become still.

Emotions that ran deep, with tints and hues to match also have become still. As colors blend, swirl, and accentuate each other on the palette of a master painter, so my emotions have now become. Oh how I love the clarity that has come. New language and vocabulary have captivated my heart clearly expressing my disdain for the mundane (Seeing everything from this lens causes everything to just look the same). There is no such thing has ordinary or common…unique, intricate, and personalized have things now become, rather my perception is now picking up on this reality. As a master taste tester can recognize every nuance in the dishes he samples so is it becoming for myself as I take time to steady my introspective gaze. This mountain that used to cause such melancholy disturbances within my soul has turned into a simple mole hill on my journey of growth.

For one whose vision was severely impaired because of fear, seeing in such a panoramic view is breath taking. Creation is much more vast and beautiful than I first realized (Colors, sights, sounds, even the range of emotions). The people I encounter on my journey each unique and different much like the various cells in my own body, each needing and wanting to be loved and understood in a unique and special way. There is no one size fits all plan in this world I am finding out (A point I cannot stress enough). Each has something that makes it special and unique. I am finding that for things to fit properly, they need to be tailor made. Yes, it takes a lot more work and effort to tailor make things. However, the benefits outweigh the costs. When one makes something that is designed for one specific person…usually the quality, time spent, and effort going into these things sky rockets (Most of the time people pour themselves into what is being made). Yes, it also means that the amount one can produce is severely diminishes, however, the ability to focus and create based upon the nature of the person you are making the item for goes up. Also time spent with said person increases the capacity to adventure and stumble on to new ideas that might bless them. The tailor making process is not one that can be rushed (Creativity does not flourish under pressure). It is one where an intimate amount of time is taken to produce something that will fit properly, beautifully, just the way the person receiving the item needs it. Despite how many other people might feel about what you are doing…the only person that really matters is the one you are tailoring the good for. If they like what has been created, it fits well, and it suits them…there is not much more one can ask for.

I have begun to realize just how important this process is as I continue learning about myself and others. One cannot simply stop walking forward simply at the behest of someone else, who is on their own road, to do all of the exact same things the same way. Though it might work, it is not going to be the best way to do it. For example, I am 5’5 and 125 lbs. Yet I am NOT built like other people my size. See, I have a rather short torso, long legs, and long arms. Unknowing to me, I did not realize these mechanical differences were important for my development as an athlete. I was always taught text book technique for playing sports. Which means it was a mass production of how athletes are supposed to run, jump, and throw. There was one problem…it was all based off athletes whose bodies were pretty proportional to one another…which I DID NOT FIT!

Being 5’5 with long levers meant that I would have to do things a bit differently, so I do not put unnecessary strain on my body. Yet, I was never told this as I grew and developed. So as a baseball player I spent most of my high school years with bicep tendinitis because no one caught on that I was doing things in a way that was making my underdeveloped body scream out in pain. Though, I knew something was wrong…people didn't may much attention to me. They knew better than I did what I needed and how I needed it. I should have been more adamant back then, but there is nothing I can do about it now. See mechanically my body could not handle the stress or strain of following the mass produced mold of doing things. It actually caused much more damage to me than good. Though I learned many things, I am glad that damage suffered was not irreversible.

Experiences that I had long forgot are now starting to pop up and remind me of the value of learning how to walk your own path (Not the path that people expect you to walk, but the one you were designed and created to walk). I am learning how to take advice and correction, tailoring it so that it fits perfectly. I was never meant to walk in the shoes or footsteps of any other person, because time taken trying to walk in their footsteps, down their roads, is less time spent walking down the road that I was meant for. Honestly speaking, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” Yet, one of the scary/frustrating things that I have been seeing is that, if you do not take a person’s advice as it is given, offense will pile up. I am unsure why this happens, and why people feel so slighted, why I have felt so slighted when people didn’t follow my opinion and advice perfectly.

Maybe it is because we feel little value if things are not followed perfectly, or the subtle pride of feeling as if we need to have people follow after us because somewhere down in our hearts be believe we have these things figured out perfectly (I have been guilty of doing this in the past). Either way, I have come to a place where I realize people have to work their own lives out. The path people will walk will differ, and it becomes unreasonable to ask them to travel a road they were never equipped to walk down. For me to share what has helped me grow and developed is a great thing to do, but to expect people to walk those things I have shared, in the way I have walked them out is totally stupid.

I am a 27 year old kid. I have so much to learn (Yes I did just call myself a kid). But I have to learn it as I walk the path laid before me. I am finding that it is neither disrespectful nor dishonoring to remind people of such things (Contrary to popular belief and what many are taught about honor). I may not have your life experience, but the reality is this…there will be no one on this planet that shares all the same experiences as I do. There will be no one on this planet that perceives those experiences the way I do or are affected by said experiences the way I am. It is always honorable to hear someone out and be thankful for the heart behind the thoughts spoken, but not everything has to be implemented or even considered (This is the part that is hard for many to swallow…especially parents and religious leaders). I am finding that it is less about who is right or wrong, but learning to care for people in the process. My responses should never be dictated by another.

Knowing that I am a powerful person and have the power to choose how I will respond to any given situation has helped alleviate the pressure of having to conform to what is “expected” of me (Expectations can kill a person before they even begin their own journey). I am not bound to expectation. There is so much freedom in learning that no one else can dictate to me what I should, what I need to, what I have to, or what the right thing to do is. Fear is a limitation. It will always be. Rejection, shame, guilt, condemnation, and pride are all limiters on what it means to live in the fullest expression of freedom. They rob you of the ability to consciously choose how you will operate. Yet, conversely learning how to LOVE actually will empower you to make hard choices and value those you come into contact with.