My Thoughts Concerning Being Prophetic

I was thinking about bringing out an old blog and just posting as is, but then felt that I should update and add the lessons I have learned this past year. This post is a compilation of a few years of growth. The plain text is where I was at when I first started this journey, and the italic print is what I have learned over the last year. Hopefully this will serve to bring more understand as to where I have come from and what God is doing in me currently.

I was born with a prophetic gifting that, until recent months, I had grown to hate. It wasn’t that the gift didn’t work, but rather it worked too well. I have come to believe that our greatest gifts and talents can also become our greatest hindrance and curse. It is not that the gift is bad or functions in a negative way. It has more to do with the perspective of the one using the gift and the consequences (both positive and negative) that come from using it. In my case, it was a curse because there was little understanding concerning prophetic utterances. I only understood I could see things others couldn’t. I understood things that I had no business understanding. I had wisdom on topics that a second grader should not have known about. I had more discernment than I knew what to do with. Yet, the gift was treated as a cancer to be treated and cured. I was the sickly person that had to be kept at arm’s length because what I had somehow would contaminate others. I was never the guy people wanted around when secrets were being laid bare. I was also the guy no one wanted around when people wanted to start spouting bullshit. Before I had realized it, I had developed a nose for sniffing out the truth. Even as I recount this I realize I have many gifts that I have simply not exercised in such a long time because of the trauma…rather because of the blame I have placed on my gifts.

  

Even after a year of growth, I find this is still true concerning certain ways that I see my gifts work. I have continued to struggle in the area of giving directional prophetic words, because of the stigma that has been gained due to bad teaching and shallow understandings. Many times I have been prompted to give words concerning direction, but I have hesitated in giving such words. There is a level of fear that I deal with concerning the accuracy of such words and how often times they can be perceived in a negative way. This is also true when it comes to the area of dream interpretation. Though I know I have the ability to do it, I never branch out to grow in it because it feels like much of an enigma with too many loose ends. Even though there have been many negative points through this year journey, I have found encouragement as I have overcome many of these painful perspectives.

As a prophetic person, experiences have shaped the way I view my gifts and understand the workings of the Lord. It really doesn’t help when your view of the Lord is based upon the people that he has sent to minister to you, but have single handedly torn down every shred of identity that you thought you had. No, this is not me bashing on the people. If anything I am grateful for the presence of those who tore me down. It has caused a lot to begin to transpire in my life currently. However, I do want to highlight the power of the words that we so carelessly speak to one another. I am convinced that many of us still vastly underestimate the power of the words that we use towards one another in passing. We often do not give credence to what is being said. We typically say the first thing that pops into our minds without asking if it will build a person up or will it tear them down. At times we are unaware that we attach ourselves to the words of others or rather, those words begin to attach themselves to us trying to become a part of our being. First the thoughts tend to bounce off of us as we shrug them off. They then start to sting as they begin to chip away at the walls of confidence we had erected. Slowly but surely the essence of these words, slip through the cracks in our confidence slowly but surely sabotaging the confidence we once had. Before we know it the essence of the foul words spoken to us, become the launching point of our identity. Much like an evil king conquering vast lands, these lies begin to take over the kingdom within and subject it to abuse and a foreign culture; all liberty and freedom snuffed out.

What a difference a year can make! After seeing the devastation of thoughtless words, I have begun to see what happens when finely crafted words are used to bring healing to the broken. Nothing can really prepare you for seeing the miraculous happen as a result of a word from the Lord being spoken right on time. No one can prepare you for what happens when words go forth than bring healing to a heart, soul, and spirit. Nothing can prepare you for encountering the presence of Jesus busting down the defenses and he simply says, “I LOVE YOU!” Nothing you can ever do will prepare you for the moments when your gifting is used to set someone free from years of bondage. Yet, it makes the years of pain, frustration, sadness, and anger worth it. That is what this year has wrought for me. I have begun to be on the receiving end of the blessings that occur when words are used properly, when the prophetic is used the way God had intended it. When words are full of grace, saturated in love, and delivered in gentleness, the power released is inexplicable. I have witnessed hearts heal in ways I just cannot explain as a result of learning how to speak the way Jesus speaks to me. Funny, seeing as the greatest command I know of is that we love others as Christ has loved us. I think it becomes so important to give to others what Jesus has first given to us. That love, that tenderness, it makes life so much more bearable, and his words…they are sweet like honey and are more satisfying than anything you could imagine.

My time journeying has brought me face to face with a kingdom in the midst of rebellion. That ol’ crafty dictator has managed to stir me up in such a way that I have sounded the TRUMPET for freedom.  He once had power and control, but everything is shifting. The very foundations of his empire are feeling the reverberations of the sound of freedom. My inner voice…the sound of the resistance cries…NO MORE!!! WE SHALL BE FREE!!!

2015 is a big year for seeing freedom manifest in our lives. I have seen chains being severed from people, by angelic host. I have seen people being given keys for which to unlock their bonds. I have heard the Lord say, “Those who want me will most assuredly find me. Those who are trying to look away will have a hard time because I am burning brightly. I am going to Love the hell out of them to such a degree that changes will happen no matter what. The BRIDE will know how PASSIONATELY IN LOVE WITH HER I AM!” We are in a time where people are going to be getting set up by God to experience his LOVE and KINDNESS towards them. Favor is being dispensed like never before and people are about to uncover gems of revelation that they had been seeking for years. This is a year of celebration and getting to know God as the intimate Lover he is! The sounds of freedom are ringing in the Heaven. FREEDOM IS CALLING!!!

This all brings me to a place where I am face to face with the trauma of the past. The memories of the people, places, and things that were used to cut me deeply are what I am now facing head on. Sometimes I wonder what was I even thinking, letting go of all that I had been given. Then I realize, I was bullied, picked on, mistreated, and fed lies from the day my gifts began to surface. See the most significant voices in my life at the time, were the very ones that helped destroy me from the inside out. Were they purposely trying to do it? No, absolutely not. Most of them were trying the best they could to look out for me. They were doing the best they could with the knowledge they possessed. So I do not fault them. Yet, I am at a place in life where that does not change the fact that the trauma was inflicted. As well-meaning as they were…friendly fire happened and I became the unintentional target. No matter how many times they may apologize it will NEVER take back the pain, hurt, tears, and frustration that were caused. They cannot make up for the sleepless nights they caused. Do I blame them no, but I do acknowledge what was done to me. I am brave enough to say that what was done was not okay. I openly forgive those who hurt me. They honestly didn’t know what they were doing. But, I am unwilling to brush over this stuff anymore because it really did affect me.

Fragments are what I have learned to call these memories and traumatic experiences. I have also learned that most people have these in place. I have also realized that these are safety mechanisms that have worked to keep our souls safe from damage due to these memories and experiences. When we are young we are not able to bear the load caused by such experiences. As a result part of our soul fragments to envelop the experience safely shielding us from the impact of the trauma. However, because the fragment is disconnected from the whole, it stops its development much like a branch broken away from a tree. However, since the fragment never dies, it tends to respond to like experiences years down the road. I have spent most of the last year dealing with many of my own fragments and the effects of them. It is hard because you often come face to face with experiences that have long been forgotten. Yet, as I have walked through these things, I have begun to realize that fragments can be healed. The soul as a whole can be healed. Our identity can at times be veiled because of these fragments. As we deal with them, we come into a better understanding of who we are and who God created us to be.

In the place of forgiving those that have hurt me, I also must begin the processes of forgiving myself. The shame, guilt, and pain run deep. In so many ways I still blame myself for so much. These last few years have taught me a lot about personal responsibility and owning up to my own foolishness. I have begun to recognize that before I even became a teenager I began blaming myself for things that were out of my control, but also for things that I was blaming others for. I held myself as a horrible person because I kept blaming others. Even after understanding how to stop blaming others, I continued to condemn myself. It is an absolute horrible place to live let me tell you. Yet, that is what was comfortable for me…a place I could withdraw to. I subconsciously started to live in a place where performance was the most important thing. I had become the harsh judge that would scrutinize over every misstep. I could never get over the lies that fueled the cycle of performance because I was under the spell of the lies that had been spoken over me by others for so long. I was headlong in a whirlpool of lies, guilt, condemnation, and shame. However, here is where the story takes a turn.

Forgiveness is the key to learning how to walk with God in a deep place. We MUST begin understanding his forgiveness for us, and in turn learning to forgive others. This is one of the biggest keys to relationship with God. Another key I have found is learning to trust God. Walking with God is not the easiest thing in the world because of the various blockages we have in our perspectives. If I were to summarize it, I would say that relating to God is like relating to your best friend. You don’t have to try hard to impress your best friend. They are your best friend for a reason. Through the good, the bad, the ugly, and the downright hysterical, they are there for you. They love you as you are and choose to walk with you because you are simply yourself. The expectation is to walk together through life not for what you can do for the other but because you just like that person. That is how I see learning to trust and walk with God. It isn’t about what I can bring to the table it’s about learning how to relate to Him. He is not worried about me impressing Him. There really isn’t anything I can do, that will impress Him anyways. It is at the point when I stopped trying to impress him that I began to realize something. HE LIKED ME! Not for what I could do, but because of who I was to Him. Learning this reality, has helped me learn to trust and walk with Him. Not because of the things that he can do, but because He is amazing. His forgiveness wasn’t something that I had to work for. It was always extended towards me. In seeing this reality, I realized forgiving others wasn’t about a decision to forgive them, it was a heart posture that said, hey I like you, and not matter what you do my heart will not change towards you. My forgiveness is a done deal on my side, and something freely extended to you without condition, without expectation. God forgave me without me ever first apologizing to Him. My apology didn’t make God forgive me. His forgiveness was towards me was never dependent on my ability to ask for it. It was a choice he made without my permission. This is the largest lesson I have learned this year. Forgiveness isn’t given because someone comes to apologize. Forgiveness a heart posture that is not dependent on the perpetrator. God is a lot better than I ever could have imagined.

My gifts are starting to come alive again. Not because I am trying to get them to come alive. I honestly believe it’s because I am learning to walk with Jesus without having to try to impress HIM or anyone else. I am learning to love as he loves, forgive as he forgives, and walk as he walks. It is an amazing journey.

I'm Quitting Christianity....To Follow Jesus

I am glad to be sharing a new entry today. This entry comes from a friend of mine who recently shared his heart with me on life issues. I couldn't wait to share this with you, when I was given permission to publish it. This is His story...His Life Chronicle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Time Machine: Communication, Relationships, and the American Dream

If communication was a fine art, I feel like I witness on a daily basis, a bunch of toddlers acting as if they were the next Van Gogh or Picasso. It is quite amusing when I read discussions or overhear conversations…people ranting and raving about a given topic, yet never actually addressing the issue up for discussion. As hard as I try not to bust a gut laughing, I find such exchanges quite disconcerting. How is that person A could make a statement, and person B respond in a way that neither addresses the statement but also takes a cheap shot at the character of person A? Or how is it that person C can share an opinion (not directed at anyone) and end up taking flack from person D? How is it that in the middle of trying to talk things out, these breakdowns simply continue until someone ends up hurt, damaged, or angry? Anyone ever notice that a person can repeat the same sentence several times in a row and people still hear exactly what they want to hear? I submit that one of the primary reasons for this is simply…a lack of real listening/reading comprehension skills.

Text based communication is a quite different than face to face communication, in that one cannot really infer the tone of voice used or any other nuances that would be quite apparent if one was to sit face to face with the person they were talking with. Our reactions or actions, are typically based off of what we perceive to have been said or done. We lump motives, attitudes, and outcomes all together in a split second judgment call. Said judgment is our reference point from which we engage the conversation. Having been a perpetrator of this, I do not mind sharing all of the dirty little realities about having selective hearing or reading skills…especially if pride is on the line. In the past I have used my communication abilities to twist things that people have said, so as to belittle them and beat them down for the sake of WINNING the argument. (You lose a lot of friends this way). More than that, I lost a lot of credibility that I would have to earn back. Communication is not a competitive sport to win, but a collaborative effort that empowers all those who participate.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. –George Bernard Shaw

Communication in all its glory is one of the major tools that help foster excellent relationships. When it comes to romantic relationships as well as dealing with roles between males and females I have noticed that this is an area that is frightfully lacking in understanding. I have been privy to a few awesome conversations in the last week about gender roles (in the religious context), the differences between what men need vs. what women need, and what it means to be a Man/Woman in our culture. I am pretty sure you are now starting to understand where I am heading in today’s blog. I am convinced that relationships that fall apart do so because of a breakdown in communication.

Though I have much to say about gender roles and what it means to be a man/woman, I am going to take some time to flesh out the idea of what I as a man need and how I communicate. First, let me start off by saying…I AM HIGHLY EMOTIONAL!!!! I FEEL DEEPLY!!!! Second, I am a thinker (analytical and logical). Lastly, I am passionate and intense. Alright, with that said…My primary love languages include: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. Let me redefine this…As a male I love to know that I am respected and what I have to say matters/do/offer matters. As a male I LOVE being touched. I loved being hugged, kissed, and when I get married…SEX will be AMAZING! As a male, when I am in a relationship, I want to know that I am needed/wanted by my significant other. That when she looks at me I am all that she sees. She is primary on my heart and mind to keep happy and spend time with. (Sounds a lot like my primary love languages huh?? Interesting!) I believe as a male I process things a lot differently than a female. Which is okay, we were made differently for a reason. I feel this is the reason that communication is SO IMPORTANT!

 To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. –Tony Robbins

In talking with a friend last night (THANKS SARAH R.) we both realized that in dealing with the opposite sex we must understand the importance of communicating in the way that they can best receive. Instead of trying to be stubborn and communicate in a selfish manner, we take the time to learn the language of our significant other. A friend and co-worker pointed out the value of communicating intentionally and the importance of taking the time to actually listen. It does no one any good if the bulk of the conversation is spent trying to prove the other person wrong.
So in response to the topic that was presented to me this morning about the issue of the needs of men vs. women, I simply have this to say…Both sides are right. There is no dispute. But you have to realize that you are coming from two different perspectives from which you are viewing things from. A woman will NEVER be able to see things through the male lens in its totality, but the reverse is also true. There are many nuances so generalizations do not work for everyone one. With that being said, with the way the subject was brought up…it would pay to simply stick with the question or thought that was being presented. Making an argument about something that was irrelevant to the topic as a whole serves to throw a wrench in the whole communication idea that I was talking about as the top of the blog. It puts people at odds when there is no need for it. Valid points were made across the board. However, where I draw the line is where subtle cheap shots are thrown to prove a point. Personal opinion…NOT OK! :)

All of this plays into the idea of The American dream for my generation. I am not sure that it has ever been communicated in this way so I will do my best to echo what I have heard over the years. My generation values relationships and great communication….WHY??? Because in a lot of ways our parents pursued an American dream that left really NO time for us. This is not a low blow directed at the previous generation in the least. However it is a wake up call so that many will begin to have eyes to see the things that we value.

A person isn’t who they are during the last conversation you had with them – they’re who they’ve been throughout your whole relationship. –Rainer Maria Rilke 

My Father, now retired, worked at his job for 30+ years. Talk about longevity. It paid the bills, gave my brother and I many opportunities, and a lifestyle he NEVER got to live. I am extremely grateful! I love how my Dad sacrificed for me. Though, now being a 27 year old…if I could go back in time to give my Dad some advice…it would go like this…, “Dad, thanks for all you are doing cause I know you are thinking of me. I know you are concerned about my future. Pops, I don’t need all the stuff. I don’t need you to spend countless hours at the job, only to go to the church right when you get off. I don’t need all of the trips. What I need is you! What I need is not the toys, the games, the greatest house….I need your presence. I need to know in an intimate way that I am loved by you. That I am valued and cherished. That the ideas I have make you proud.” I would say the same thing to my mother as well. It isn’t because I am ungrateful, but rather that I have learned something and know how to clearly articulate what I have needed all of these years.

In my generation there seems to be a push for the original American Dream…, “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” I live in a generation of dreamers, that want more than the 9-5 rat race of cubicle living. We are caught in a sticky place of wanting to explore all of the uniqueness that makes us who we are but living in this world that our parents and forefathers created for us that say you have to follow the formula to actually be successful. I have a 4 year college degree, and a job…I AM IN NO WAYS HAPPY WITH HOW I AM LIVING…Why you ask??? Because it is void of adventure, creativity, passion, and excitement. You might ask…well what about your children??? Yes, I do think of them. I want to leave them a legacy that reminds them ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. GO FOR IT AND TRUST THE FAITHFULNESS OF THE ULTIMATE FATHER.

See for my generation we crave relational intentionality. We are not catching these things by osmosis. We crave a raw realness from the generations around us as well as our peers. Cookie cutter answers and methods do not suit us. We are deep thinkers who ponder mysteries, whose minds and imaginations race among the stars. We are creators shaping the world around us. What we “lack” is meaningful worthwhile relationships with those who should be closest to us. If I could only share my deepest dreams and secrets with my family and have them really understand…it would do my heart good. But I know too many others who feel the same. Our generation cries out for the freedom to try! The freedom to make mistakes! The freedom to be bigger than the circumstances that often attempt to limit our potential. This is the generation that I am a part of. This is the generation I identify with. I don’t need a house with a lawn, a dog, and a white picket fence. Let me do what I love with out restriction…give me a healthy, supportive, community and I will be okay. Give me some wind so that I can learn to fly and you will see great things happen.

My parents dreams for me are just that. "Their" dreams for me. I love my parents SO MUCH. I just have a different vision for the life that I must live. My dreams are different. 9-5 isn’t my cup o tea. I am an artist…I need to spend my days creating. Otherwise…I will be 70 regretting the things I could have done, but never actually did. That is not the way to live.

A fun fact, a lot of you reading this blog probably have inferred that my tone has been rather harsh, sarcastic, and/or mean. However, from where I am sitting as the author I can assure you that I am actually coming from a lighthearted, jovial, yet contemplative place. As such, if you thought my tone was harsh, your defenses would have been up and you might not have actually taken the time to finish reading the whole blog. I know this is a generalization, but if one finds offense with something written…often times they will begin to skim through what is being said and look for red flags, or buzz words in which to argue with. So if that was you (I was like that quite a bit when I was younger), I would just ask that you take some time to re-read all of this. These are simply my thoughts on communication, relationships, and the American dream. They are all subject to change as my perspective of life changes. :) I cant wait.
Blessings!

Time Machine: Me A Year Ago

My fingers move frantically in a sporadic fashion….my thoughts slowly moving in and out of conscious space. Do I try typing what is in my mind or do I simply wait for that bolt of inspiration (I came back to do some edits because I decided to let my fingers just type). It is at this point where I stop and stare at this mountain that is seemingly barring my path to freedom. Many a writer will find themselves at this point …that mountain known as writers block (This place has prevented me from writing for 4 months now). For what reason, I know not, yet a worthy adversary it has proven to be these many years. This feeling in the pit of my stomach…things are vastly different than before. Change is what I feel, yet what is it that has changed? What is so different now than from before? Serenity…stillness has settled into my once wavering heart (A lot of my memories have started to be healed). The frantic pace that once consumed every part of me has become still.

Emotions that ran deep, with tints and hues to match also have become still. As colors blend, swirl, and accentuate each other on the palette of a master painter, so my emotions have now become. Oh how I love the clarity that has come. New language and vocabulary have captivated my heart clearly expressing my disdain for the mundane (Seeing everything from this lens causes everything to just look the same). There is no such thing has ordinary or common…unique, intricate, and personalized have things now become, rather my perception is now picking up on this reality. As a master taste tester can recognize every nuance in the dishes he samples so is it becoming for myself as I take time to steady my introspective gaze. This mountain that used to cause such melancholy disturbances within my soul has turned into a simple mole hill on my journey of growth.

For one whose vision was severely impaired because of fear, seeing in such a panoramic view is breath taking. Creation is much more vast and beautiful than I first realized (Colors, sights, sounds, even the range of emotions). The people I encounter on my journey each unique and different much like the various cells in my own body, each needing and wanting to be loved and understood in a unique and special way. There is no one size fits all plan in this world I am finding out (A point I cannot stress enough). Each has something that makes it special and unique. I am finding that for things to fit properly, they need to be tailor made. Yes, it takes a lot more work and effort to tailor make things. However, the benefits outweigh the costs. When one makes something that is designed for one specific person…usually the quality, time spent, and effort going into these things sky rockets (Most of the time people pour themselves into what is being made). Yes, it also means that the amount one can produce is severely diminishes, however, the ability to focus and create based upon the nature of the person you are making the item for goes up. Also time spent with said person increases the capacity to adventure and stumble on to new ideas that might bless them. The tailor making process is not one that can be rushed (Creativity does not flourish under pressure). It is one where an intimate amount of time is taken to produce something that will fit properly, beautifully, just the way the person receiving the item needs it. Despite how many other people might feel about what you are doing…the only person that really matters is the one you are tailoring the good for. If they like what has been created, it fits well, and it suits them…there is not much more one can ask for.

I have begun to realize just how important this process is as I continue learning about myself and others. One cannot simply stop walking forward simply at the behest of someone else, who is on their own road, to do all of the exact same things the same way. Though it might work, it is not going to be the best way to do it. For example, I am 5’5 and 125 lbs. Yet I am NOT built like other people my size. See, I have a rather short torso, long legs, and long arms. Unknowing to me, I did not realize these mechanical differences were important for my development as an athlete. I was always taught text book technique for playing sports. Which means it was a mass production of how athletes are supposed to run, jump, and throw. There was one problem…it was all based off athletes whose bodies were pretty proportional to one another…which I DID NOT FIT!

Being 5’5 with long levers meant that I would have to do things a bit differently, so I do not put unnecessary strain on my body. Yet, I was never told this as I grew and developed. So as a baseball player I spent most of my high school years with bicep tendinitis because no one caught on that I was doing things in a way that was making my underdeveloped body scream out in pain. Though, I knew something was wrong…people didn't may much attention to me. They knew better than I did what I needed and how I needed it. I should have been more adamant back then, but there is nothing I can do about it now. See mechanically my body could not handle the stress or strain of following the mass produced mold of doing things. It actually caused much more damage to me than good. Though I learned many things, I am glad that damage suffered was not irreversible.

Experiences that I had long forgot are now starting to pop up and remind me of the value of learning how to walk your own path (Not the path that people expect you to walk, but the one you were designed and created to walk). I am learning how to take advice and correction, tailoring it so that it fits perfectly. I was never meant to walk in the shoes or footsteps of any other person, because time taken trying to walk in their footsteps, down their roads, is less time spent walking down the road that I was meant for. Honestly speaking, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” Yet, one of the scary/frustrating things that I have been seeing is that, if you do not take a person’s advice as it is given, offense will pile up. I am unsure why this happens, and why people feel so slighted, why I have felt so slighted when people didn’t follow my opinion and advice perfectly.

Maybe it is because we feel little value if things are not followed perfectly, or the subtle pride of feeling as if we need to have people follow after us because somewhere down in our hearts be believe we have these things figured out perfectly (I have been guilty of doing this in the past). Either way, I have come to a place where I realize people have to work their own lives out. The path people will walk will differ, and it becomes unreasonable to ask them to travel a road they were never equipped to walk down. For me to share what has helped me grow and developed is a great thing to do, but to expect people to walk those things I have shared, in the way I have walked them out is totally stupid.

I am a 27 year old kid. I have so much to learn (Yes I did just call myself a kid). But I have to learn it as I walk the path laid before me. I am finding that it is neither disrespectful nor dishonoring to remind people of such things (Contrary to popular belief and what many are taught about honor). I may not have your life experience, but the reality is this…there will be no one on this planet that shares all the same experiences as I do. There will be no one on this planet that perceives those experiences the way I do or are affected by said experiences the way I am. It is always honorable to hear someone out and be thankful for the heart behind the thoughts spoken, but not everything has to be implemented or even considered (This is the part that is hard for many to swallow…especially parents and religious leaders). I am finding that it is less about who is right or wrong, but learning to care for people in the process. My responses should never be dictated by another.

Knowing that I am a powerful person and have the power to choose how I will respond to any given situation has helped alleviate the pressure of having to conform to what is “expected” of me (Expectations can kill a person before they even begin their own journey). I am not bound to expectation. There is so much freedom in learning that no one else can dictate to me what I should, what I need to, what I have to, or what the right thing to do is. Fear is a limitation. It will always be. Rejection, shame, guilt, condemnation, and pride are all limiters on what it means to live in the fullest expression of freedom. They rob you of the ability to consciously choose how you will operate. Yet, conversely learning how to LOVE actually will empower you to make hard choices and value those you come into contact with.

Time Machine: Back to the Beginning

This blog comes as a breath of fresh air as well as one of my more adventurous endeavors. The last few weeks have been nothing short of breath taking. The things I have encountered, the knowledge gained, and the wisdom imparted to me have kept me in a state of cerebral overload. As I take the time to sit and write, I am recalling one of the important questions that was posed to me during all that has been taking place. The question was this: “If you could go back to when you first became a Christian what would you share with yourself?” At first I felt like I had nothing to offer, but soon began to realize that it was not that I had nothing to offer its that I couldn’t boil down all the thoughts I really had. Spending time with this question I have found a few key things that I would share, teach, show myself. 

 

1. God loves you with no strings attached. – As seemingly in your face this might be, I remember being a kid that struggled through performance based living. Affection, praise, correction, and many other things were predicated on how I performed. Although it was never the intention of people around me to teach me this, I learned at a young age that ones performance dictated the kind of response you could get from the world around you. Perfection was the name of the game. If it wasn’t perfect, it was worthless. Although people’s words were flowery and full of what many would call “good” theology. All it taught me was good behavior is all you need for God. If I could go back to talk with my younger self, I would share in great detail the journey I went on, what I went through, and the most important thing I learned through my journey. My performance never changed how God looked at me. His love for me was just as great when I got my purity ring as it was when I lost my virginity. In His eyes, I was spotless and clean and there was nothing I could do to ever change that. I was considered righteous not because of how I performed but because of what Jesus did for me.

2. God did it for you and didn’t ask for your permission. – I know many people are going to be thinking how could you say that? Simply put. Before I was born…Christ died for me. Before I had the chance to sin or do anything wrong…Jesus died on that cross for me. I didn’t have a choice in the matter. What’s even better…the Lamb of God was slain before the foundation of the Earth. Go fig. Before Adam and Eve…Jesus had already paid the price. He already paid the ransom for us. How that works I do not know. What I do know is that Jesus did it for me before I could tell Him “yes” or “no”. So let me make this abundantly clear, I am not saying that we do not need to RESPOND to Christ because I believe we all have to make that choice. However, from His point of view forgiveness and reconciliation are a done deal and they are gifts that are already extended waiting for pick up. I was made righteous by his actions not my own. This is one of those sovereign God moves that I could not stop. Now don’t get it twisted I am not saying everyone is going to Heaven. However, I am saying that God doesn’t have to choose to forgive anymore since at the Cross that is what echoed across the universe. Being chosen by God means that his disposition towards you will NEVER change. You are chosen, esteemed, valued, and loved. All of that is determined before you could ever do anything or offer anything.

3. Everything centers around and finds its meaning in Christ. – This is another major thing I wish I had of know. One of the lessons I wished would have been modeled for me is what it looks like to daily walk with Jesus in such an intimate way. Being raised in a Pentecostal/Baptist home (my mom operated in a Pentecostal manner and my dad as a Baptist) I never really understood or saw consistently what it looked like to relate to Christ in a normal way. There were traditions and ways we just HAD to do things. Now at 27 I realize there are no formulas with God. The center of life is walking with Jesus. It is knowing Jesus. Not just knowing theology, but knowing the person…the Jewish Man himself. It would honestly take true discipleship which I never experienced. Nothing was made practical or plain. Nothing demonstrated. It was theoretical. I would share that questions are important. Don’t simply settle for “good” theology. There is more to this than just having everything right! Jesus wants you to know Him and He wants to know you. That is the place you will find fulfillment. Words can’t describe it. It is a place you must traverse for yourself.

4. Grace is not a doctrine nor a theology He is a person! – After being stuck in so many cycles and what not I have come to realize I got some pretty shitty advice as I grew up. For the longest time I honestly thought there was a way that you could abuse grace and God would throw you out for it. I have since matured and come to understand that grace just like love comes without conditions. Actually, if you wanna kick a habit, its actually grace that empowers you to do that. Even when you screw up 99 times it will still be grace that keeps you moving forward into the freedom that was purchased for us. Yes, even after willful stupidity grace still empowers us. WHY? God promised to never leave us nor forsake us. Saying that grace would be taken away from us is just like saying Jesus is fed up with us…NEVER GONNA HAPPEN! Jesus is the grace of God that appeared and that continues to teach us to deny ungodliness. Even better…where sin abounds…there JESUS IS ALL THE MORE! Why it is his kindness that leads us to a change of mind or as the old folks would say, leads us to repentance. Grace isn’t a theology. It is a person who is intimately acquainted with our short comings and failures. Yet, he is determined to stick with us to teach us how to overcome all of those things! When we understand who grace is, it becomes impossible to abuse it. Coming in contact with grace begins to change us from the inside out. Which is remarkable!

5. Jesus is your model. Holy Spirit is your guide. The Father is your strength. -This right here is something I am passionate about. All of the other things that I have shared are quite important to me, yet this right here is where my fire starts burning. Being born with a prophetic edge has led to more than one issue with my gifts being abused, misused, misunderstood, or degraded. At 27 I started to understand the importance of Jesus being my model for everything. Not a pastor, not an evangelist, not an apostle, but Christ Himself. Unknowingly I had lived my life in such a way that I was trying to emulate other people rather than Christ. To the point where I would much rather have someone else’ amazing exegesis of a text rather than the simplicity of Christ. I went for natural wisdom rather than the wisdom of God also known as Christ. I subtly had been opposed to Jesus because I was sticking with doctrines and belief systems that actually prevented me from seeing Jesus manifested in the world around me. I was often told to be careful because it isn’t what Jesus would do…or that stuff stopped with the last apostles. I am so glad I was wrong!!! See, I didn’t learn about the person of the Holy Spirit until college. When I finally met Him I was SOOOOO pissed off. Why wasn’t I taught this earlier in my life? I never knew I was supposed to have a guide on the journey. Life drastically changed when I met Him. What I thought was wise became foolish. People started to look at me with strange looks because I would do some off the wall things…only to see amazing transformations happen within others as well as myself. I remember my last semester of college I put Him to the test. I said if you want me to know scripture you are gonna have to teach it to me first hand. I will not open a bible at all because I absolutely know nothing anymore. You teach me from the ground up. OH MY GOODNESS!!!! WHAT AN ADVENTURE! I learned more scripture in the semester than at any point in my life trying to memorize scripture. HOLY CRUD! He was doing things that I had never heard of before. Better yet, it freaked people out because…He began to show me what prophecy, words of knowledge, and words of wisdom were. The gifts were alive and well. Years later, I meet the Father. It was another one of those moments where I was like…THE HECK?!?! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE SHOW ME HIM SOONER??!?!?!? That is where I currently am right. One face to face encounter with the Father changed so much about my life. All I can say is, when you meet Him you will know. You will understand what real strength is. You will throw everything away simply to be with Him.

These are just a few of the things I wish I had of learned when I was introduced to Jesus for the first time. The journey hasn’t been horrible, but there are so many things I could have avoided and so much more peace I could have encountered had I known some of these things. I have no regrets in my life up to this point. Yet, I do know if I had the chance to go back and share these things with myself I would. So many things would be different. The most major lesson would be simply learn to love. Learn to LOVE HARD! Don’t worry if people think you are crazy. SIMPLY LOVE! And watch God do what he does through you!

Growing Pains – Relationships

Part of my journey with God has caused me to take another look at relationships, romance, and intimacy. For the longest time I have been in an interesting place, closed off to romantic relationships, while at the same time deeply desiring to be married. This place of inner conflict has become more pronounced as I have begun to deal with hurts from the past. Conversations with close friends have done much to expose underlying issues where my heart is concerned. As a result I have come to some interesting journey markers that I would like to expand on.

1. Learning to love is messy. – There is no way around this. Our greatest example in life and eternity has shown us that love though super fulfilling, is not exactly the most tidy of things to deal with. Learning to love is a messy business. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same understanding of what love is supposed to look like. We have different love languages, ways we speak appreciation, and ways to say "I'm sorry". There are 6+ billion people on the planet, which means there are 6+ billion ways to learn to speak love, appreciation, and repentance. Beyond this grandiose project of learning how to speak love, but there are also the actions involved in demonstrating love to another person. This is a subject I will not speak much on because well, it would take quite a bit of time to flesh out. Suffice to say, that our actions play a big role in how another person perceives and understands love. Love is one of those things that take work and practice. It isn’t something that one will get a handle on even after 30-40 years. Love ever grows, ever changes, and depending on who you come into contact with, it will take time to learn how to love them in the best way possible. In the process, you can expect things to get a little messy, as you are learning to understand the quirks of another living being. Through the process of learning to love, I wouldn't be surprised if you bumped into grace and patience, as they are needed to survive the journey.


2. Love is risky business. – Sorry guys, as much as I wish love wasn’t hard, I have found that it is tough. When it comes to loving in a manner that can actually change lives and help people grow, love is one of the most risky things that you can do. The heart is a fragile thing, and it is often on the line when dealing with deep levels of love. Whether you are talking about a deep friendship, a possible relationship, or even marriage, one must realize that the thing that is always at stake, is the heart. If not taken care of appropriately, there can be tons of damage done. Friendship requires a level of transparency to be done well, but that transparency is what puts the heart at risk. If talking about a relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend), the level of intimacy and transparency must increase, which means the things at stake also increase. If you are talking about marriage then the stakes get increased exponentially. The higher the level of intimacy, the more at risk the heart is. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the heart being at risk. It just means that the self-preservation instinct that many of us have will try to keep our hearts safe rather than letting it be exposed to potential dangers. This is especially true if we have experienced trauma in the past as a result of trying to walk through this area we know as love. Our experiences have unconsciously put triggers within us that begin to fire depending on the potential risk level our heart would be exposed to. It is in dealing with these triggers that we learn what it means to love uninhibited and without condition.


3. Fear is a relationship killer. – This is a touchy issue for me, and one that I get quite passionate about. After sabotaging 3 different relationships in the past, and have some sabotaged by the other party, I can say without a doubt, fear is a relationship killer. Worrying about what other people are going to think, what the future is going to hold, if your family will get along with who you are dating, and other such thoughts, are things that can do much to destroy ANY type of relationship. As one who wants to be prepared for as my scenarios as possible, trying to walk through these things from a place of fear is never a good thing. It is one thing to see red flags and seek counsel on how to deal with such things, however, it is another thing altogether to look at everything as a red flag and seek any reason to call it quits on the relationship. One of the hang ups I dealt with was that I wasn’t sure my friends and family would think the girl I dated was pretty enough. Shallow? Yes, but there was a reason for the shallowness. Earlier experiences in my formative years had taught me to scrutinize these things or otherwise I would be talked about by both friends and family. (I talked about experiences that create unconscious triggers; well this is an example of that.) There are other fears that I have dealt with (annoying habits they had, how they got along with there family, tone of voice, understandings of intimacy, if they wore make up or not...) as well that led to purposefully finding any reason I could to ditch a woman. Hindsight has shown that most of these had been due to triggers that I had not been aware of. If you have an inkling that there might be some emotional triggers that might be sabotaging your relationships, I HIGHLY recommend talking with God about where they came from, and getting rid of them. Perfect love really does cast out all fear.


4. Relationships and walking with God are not mutually exclusive. – I have known some amazing people in my life who have said, “It is better to not be in a relationship if you are trying to grow up in God. A relationship would only detract from the work God is doing.” While at the time the statement sounded spiritual, I have come to believe that it can also be one of the single most devastating statements that can be spoken. Though, the heart intention is to say, its best to stay singular minded in your focus and follow God, it draws a false dichotomy between relationships and walking with God. Statements like this have been used to actually justify the fear of approaching relationships in a healthy manner. While I know that God will at times call people to a time of singleness, I also know that there are times where God will call people to a time of relational growth. In my case, I had to tend to some wounds that were caused by girlfriends, but no one could access my heart, accept someone who was in that role. I had to be healed by the very thing that had caused the damage. I was hurt relationally so I needed to be healed relationally. As I have grown up, I have noted that certain portions of the heart only open up at certain times. If I were to use my mother as an example, the closest male to her (my grandpa) left when she was 12 years old. That scar in her heart, was carried over into her marriage. She acted out as if my father were going to leave her just like her father had. It took the repeated actions of my father PURPOSELY staying and loving her, to help heal my mother’s heart because of the abandonment she suffered so many years prior. If we were to implement the advice of some of the people I know, my mother and father would probably NOT be married for the 35+ years they have been married. I am sure there are many other stories like this, but my point is that one of the killers of growing and healing has been drawing a false dichotomy between walking with God and being in a relationship. This is one of those things that I would personally take on a case by case basis.



5. Honesty begets honesty, the true test of relationship. – This is probably the hardest thing I have learned in the last year. Honesty is hard work. It takes such a level of trust to open up to another that is close to you, to show them what lies within the depths of who you are. Not only are you risking your heart, but at times you are risking the relationship as a whole. “What if they cannot handle what I am about to say? What if they get mad and walk away? What if…” I cannot explain how draining it can be to have to stew over how you are going to share a bit of information with someone that you care so much about. If the relationship is based out of fear, this place of honesty is one that might not be existent. Though one of the toughest things to do, it is also one of the most liberating things in relationship. When you know you can trust the person you are with, sharing anything that is on your heart, well, it’s quite nice. My friend Praying Medic, talked about this idea in his book, My Craziest Adventures with God. He tells the story of how he met his wife. (I do believe this story has applications beyond the scope of marriage.)

“He states, ‘One thing that stands in the way of a successful marriage is a lack of transparency. Out of fear that they’ll suffer rejection, many people hide their past from the person they’re dating. Years later when something from the past comes up(and it always does) the person you thought you knew is no longer the one you’re married to. But by then it’s too late. I knew that if I expected her to quit her job, leave her family and friends, and move across the country to be a permanent part of my life I had to be transparent with her about my past. So one night I told her I needed about two hours of her time, just to listen as I told her about my past. I divulged to her everything a woman would want to know about her potential husband, and I mean everything. My weaknesses, my failures, the things I did wrong in my last marriage, why I had an affair, why I was fired from my last job my fears, my arrest, my financial problems…everything. It was a huge risk, but I figured if she could deal with the junk from my past, she’d have no reason to fear a future with me.'”

I had a similar experience with a friend of mine. I had to be more open about how I felt about her than I actually cared to be. However, I had learned that if I allowed fear to govern my response towards her then there would be no turning back. The relationship would cave in as a whole. (Relationships cannot flourish where there is no trust.)  I am so glad I made that decision to be open about everything. As a result of my honestly with her, she in turn was just as honest. We were able to find some common ground in what we were dealing with while at the same time reaffirming our goal to simply walk with one another through the processes that we were in.

These 5 wonderful things have been the revelation that I have been processing with Jesus for the past few weeks. In order to grow in a given area, you cannot hide from it. You must face it head on. It really doesn’t matter if it is love, identity, grace, God’s goodness, all of it has to be faced without hesitation or hiding. If we are afraid of things often times we will end up missing the answers we so desperately want. Fear is the thing that stands in our way. “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me besides quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me…” Friends fear though it seems real, it is only a shadow. When you walk through that shadow you will begin to see the substance of the things you truly have dreamed of and searched for.