Time Machine: Me A Year Ago

My fingers move frantically in a sporadic fashion….my thoughts slowly moving in and out of conscious space. Do I try typing what is in my mind or do I simply wait for that bolt of inspiration (I came back to do some edits because I decided to let my fingers just type). It is at this point where I stop and stare at this mountain that is seemingly barring my path to freedom. Many a writer will find themselves at this point …that mountain known as writers block (This place has prevented me from writing for 4 months now). For what reason, I know not, yet a worthy adversary it has proven to be these many years. This feeling in the pit of my stomach…things are vastly different than before. Change is what I feel, yet what is it that has changed? What is so different now than from before? Serenity…stillness has settled into my once wavering heart (A lot of my memories have started to be healed). The frantic pace that once consumed every part of me has become still.

Emotions that ran deep, with tints and hues to match also have become still. As colors blend, swirl, and accentuate each other on the palette of a master painter, so my emotions have now become. Oh how I love the clarity that has come. New language and vocabulary have captivated my heart clearly expressing my disdain for the mundane (Seeing everything from this lens causes everything to just look the same). There is no such thing has ordinary or common…unique, intricate, and personalized have things now become, rather my perception is now picking up on this reality. As a master taste tester can recognize every nuance in the dishes he samples so is it becoming for myself as I take time to steady my introspective gaze. This mountain that used to cause such melancholy disturbances within my soul has turned into a simple mole hill on my journey of growth.

For one whose vision was severely impaired because of fear, seeing in such a panoramic view is breath taking. Creation is much more vast and beautiful than I first realized (Colors, sights, sounds, even the range of emotions). The people I encounter on my journey each unique and different much like the various cells in my own body, each needing and wanting to be loved and understood in a unique and special way. There is no one size fits all plan in this world I am finding out (A point I cannot stress enough). Each has something that makes it special and unique. I am finding that for things to fit properly, they need to be tailor made. Yes, it takes a lot more work and effort to tailor make things. However, the benefits outweigh the costs. When one makes something that is designed for one specific person…usually the quality, time spent, and effort going into these things sky rockets (Most of the time people pour themselves into what is being made). Yes, it also means that the amount one can produce is severely diminishes, however, the ability to focus and create based upon the nature of the person you are making the item for goes up. Also time spent with said person increases the capacity to adventure and stumble on to new ideas that might bless them. The tailor making process is not one that can be rushed (Creativity does not flourish under pressure). It is one where an intimate amount of time is taken to produce something that will fit properly, beautifully, just the way the person receiving the item needs it. Despite how many other people might feel about what you are doing…the only person that really matters is the one you are tailoring the good for. If they like what has been created, it fits well, and it suits them…there is not much more one can ask for.

I have begun to realize just how important this process is as I continue learning about myself and others. One cannot simply stop walking forward simply at the behest of someone else, who is on their own road, to do all of the exact same things the same way. Though it might work, it is not going to be the best way to do it. For example, I am 5’5 and 125 lbs. Yet I am NOT built like other people my size. See, I have a rather short torso, long legs, and long arms. Unknowing to me, I did not realize these mechanical differences were important for my development as an athlete. I was always taught text book technique for playing sports. Which means it was a mass production of how athletes are supposed to run, jump, and throw. There was one problem…it was all based off athletes whose bodies were pretty proportional to one another…which I DID NOT FIT!

Being 5’5 with long levers meant that I would have to do things a bit differently, so I do not put unnecessary strain on my body. Yet, I was never told this as I grew and developed. So as a baseball player I spent most of my high school years with bicep tendinitis because no one caught on that I was doing things in a way that was making my underdeveloped body scream out in pain. Though, I knew something was wrong…people didn't may much attention to me. They knew better than I did what I needed and how I needed it. I should have been more adamant back then, but there is nothing I can do about it now. See mechanically my body could not handle the stress or strain of following the mass produced mold of doing things. It actually caused much more damage to me than good. Though I learned many things, I am glad that damage suffered was not irreversible.

Experiences that I had long forgot are now starting to pop up and remind me of the value of learning how to walk your own path (Not the path that people expect you to walk, but the one you were designed and created to walk). I am learning how to take advice and correction, tailoring it so that it fits perfectly. I was never meant to walk in the shoes or footsteps of any other person, because time taken trying to walk in their footsteps, down their roads, is less time spent walking down the road that I was meant for. Honestly speaking, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” Yet, one of the scary/frustrating things that I have been seeing is that, if you do not take a person’s advice as it is given, offense will pile up. I am unsure why this happens, and why people feel so slighted, why I have felt so slighted when people didn’t follow my opinion and advice perfectly.

Maybe it is because we feel little value if things are not followed perfectly, or the subtle pride of feeling as if we need to have people follow after us because somewhere down in our hearts be believe we have these things figured out perfectly (I have been guilty of doing this in the past). Either way, I have come to a place where I realize people have to work their own lives out. The path people will walk will differ, and it becomes unreasonable to ask them to travel a road they were never equipped to walk down. For me to share what has helped me grow and developed is a great thing to do, but to expect people to walk those things I have shared, in the way I have walked them out is totally stupid.

I am a 27 year old kid. I have so much to learn (Yes I did just call myself a kid). But I have to learn it as I walk the path laid before me. I am finding that it is neither disrespectful nor dishonoring to remind people of such things (Contrary to popular belief and what many are taught about honor). I may not have your life experience, but the reality is this…there will be no one on this planet that shares all the same experiences as I do. There will be no one on this planet that perceives those experiences the way I do or are affected by said experiences the way I am. It is always honorable to hear someone out and be thankful for the heart behind the thoughts spoken, but not everything has to be implemented or even considered (This is the part that is hard for many to swallow…especially parents and religious leaders). I am finding that it is less about who is right or wrong, but learning to care for people in the process. My responses should never be dictated by another.

Knowing that I am a powerful person and have the power to choose how I will respond to any given situation has helped alleviate the pressure of having to conform to what is “expected” of me (Expectations can kill a person before they even begin their own journey). I am not bound to expectation. There is so much freedom in learning that no one else can dictate to me what I should, what I need to, what I have to, or what the right thing to do is. Fear is a limitation. It will always be. Rejection, shame, guilt, condemnation, and pride are all limiters on what it means to live in the fullest expression of freedom. They rob you of the ability to consciously choose how you will operate. Yet, conversely learning how to LOVE actually will empower you to make hard choices and value those you come into contact with.

Time Machine: Back to the Beginning

This blog comes as a breath of fresh air as well as one of my more adventurous endeavors. The last few weeks have been nothing short of breath taking. The things I have encountered, the knowledge gained, and the wisdom imparted to me have kept me in a state of cerebral overload. As I take the time to sit and write, I am recalling one of the important questions that was posed to me during all that has been taking place. The question was this: “If you could go back to when you first became a Christian what would you share with yourself?” At first I felt like I had nothing to offer, but soon began to realize that it was not that I had nothing to offer its that I couldn’t boil down all the thoughts I really had. Spending time with this question I have found a few key things that I would share, teach, show myself. 

 

1. God loves you with no strings attached. – As seemingly in your face this might be, I remember being a kid that struggled through performance based living. Affection, praise, correction, and many other things were predicated on how I performed. Although it was never the intention of people around me to teach me this, I learned at a young age that ones performance dictated the kind of response you could get from the world around you. Perfection was the name of the game. If it wasn’t perfect, it was worthless. Although people’s words were flowery and full of what many would call “good” theology. All it taught me was good behavior is all you need for God. If I could go back to talk with my younger self, I would share in great detail the journey I went on, what I went through, and the most important thing I learned through my journey. My performance never changed how God looked at me. His love for me was just as great when I got my purity ring as it was when I lost my virginity. In His eyes, I was spotless and clean and there was nothing I could do to ever change that. I was considered righteous not because of how I performed but because of what Jesus did for me.

2. God did it for you and didn’t ask for your permission. – I know many people are going to be thinking how could you say that? Simply put. Before I was born…Christ died for me. Before I had the chance to sin or do anything wrong…Jesus died on that cross for me. I didn’t have a choice in the matter. What’s even better…the Lamb of God was slain before the foundation of the Earth. Go fig. Before Adam and Eve…Jesus had already paid the price. He already paid the ransom for us. How that works I do not know. What I do know is that Jesus did it for me before I could tell Him “yes” or “no”. So let me make this abundantly clear, I am not saying that we do not need to RESPOND to Christ because I believe we all have to make that choice. However, from His point of view forgiveness and reconciliation are a done deal and they are gifts that are already extended waiting for pick up. I was made righteous by his actions not my own. This is one of those sovereign God moves that I could not stop. Now don’t get it twisted I am not saying everyone is going to Heaven. However, I am saying that God doesn’t have to choose to forgive anymore since at the Cross that is what echoed across the universe. Being chosen by God means that his disposition towards you will NEVER change. You are chosen, esteemed, valued, and loved. All of that is determined before you could ever do anything or offer anything.

3. Everything centers around and finds its meaning in Christ. – This is another major thing I wish I had of know. One of the lessons I wished would have been modeled for me is what it looks like to daily walk with Jesus in such an intimate way. Being raised in a Pentecostal/Baptist home (my mom operated in a Pentecostal manner and my dad as a Baptist) I never really understood or saw consistently what it looked like to relate to Christ in a normal way. There were traditions and ways we just HAD to do things. Now at 27 I realize there are no formulas with God. The center of life is walking with Jesus. It is knowing Jesus. Not just knowing theology, but knowing the person…the Jewish Man himself. It would honestly take true discipleship which I never experienced. Nothing was made practical or plain. Nothing demonstrated. It was theoretical. I would share that questions are important. Don’t simply settle for “good” theology. There is more to this than just having everything right! Jesus wants you to know Him and He wants to know you. That is the place you will find fulfillment. Words can’t describe it. It is a place you must traverse for yourself.

4. Grace is not a doctrine nor a theology He is a person! – After being stuck in so many cycles and what not I have come to realize I got some pretty shitty advice as I grew up. For the longest time I honestly thought there was a way that you could abuse grace and God would throw you out for it. I have since matured and come to understand that grace just like love comes without conditions. Actually, if you wanna kick a habit, its actually grace that empowers you to do that. Even when you screw up 99 times it will still be grace that keeps you moving forward into the freedom that was purchased for us. Yes, even after willful stupidity grace still empowers us. WHY? God promised to never leave us nor forsake us. Saying that grace would be taken away from us is just like saying Jesus is fed up with us…NEVER GONNA HAPPEN! Jesus is the grace of God that appeared and that continues to teach us to deny ungodliness. Even better…where sin abounds…there JESUS IS ALL THE MORE! Why it is his kindness that leads us to a change of mind or as the old folks would say, leads us to repentance. Grace isn’t a theology. It is a person who is intimately acquainted with our short comings and failures. Yet, he is determined to stick with us to teach us how to overcome all of those things! When we understand who grace is, it becomes impossible to abuse it. Coming in contact with grace begins to change us from the inside out. Which is remarkable!

5. Jesus is your model. Holy Spirit is your guide. The Father is your strength. -This right here is something I am passionate about. All of the other things that I have shared are quite important to me, yet this right here is where my fire starts burning. Being born with a prophetic edge has led to more than one issue with my gifts being abused, misused, misunderstood, or degraded. At 27 I started to understand the importance of Jesus being my model for everything. Not a pastor, not an evangelist, not an apostle, but Christ Himself. Unknowingly I had lived my life in such a way that I was trying to emulate other people rather than Christ. To the point where I would much rather have someone else’ amazing exegesis of a text rather than the simplicity of Christ. I went for natural wisdom rather than the wisdom of God also known as Christ. I subtly had been opposed to Jesus because I was sticking with doctrines and belief systems that actually prevented me from seeing Jesus manifested in the world around me. I was often told to be careful because it isn’t what Jesus would do…or that stuff stopped with the last apostles. I am so glad I was wrong!!! See, I didn’t learn about the person of the Holy Spirit until college. When I finally met Him I was SOOOOO pissed off. Why wasn’t I taught this earlier in my life? I never knew I was supposed to have a guide on the journey. Life drastically changed when I met Him. What I thought was wise became foolish. People started to look at me with strange looks because I would do some off the wall things…only to see amazing transformations happen within others as well as myself. I remember my last semester of college I put Him to the test. I said if you want me to know scripture you are gonna have to teach it to me first hand. I will not open a bible at all because I absolutely know nothing anymore. You teach me from the ground up. OH MY GOODNESS!!!! WHAT AN ADVENTURE! I learned more scripture in the semester than at any point in my life trying to memorize scripture. HOLY CRUD! He was doing things that I had never heard of before. Better yet, it freaked people out because…He began to show me what prophecy, words of knowledge, and words of wisdom were. The gifts were alive and well. Years later, I meet the Father. It was another one of those moments where I was like…THE HECK?!?! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE SHOW ME HIM SOONER??!?!?!? That is where I currently am right. One face to face encounter with the Father changed so much about my life. All I can say is, when you meet Him you will know. You will understand what real strength is. You will throw everything away simply to be with Him.

These are just a few of the things I wish I had of learned when I was introduced to Jesus for the first time. The journey hasn’t been horrible, but there are so many things I could have avoided and so much more peace I could have encountered had I known some of these things. I have no regrets in my life up to this point. Yet, I do know if I had the chance to go back and share these things with myself I would. So many things would be different. The most major lesson would be simply learn to love. Learn to LOVE HARD! Don’t worry if people think you are crazy. SIMPLY LOVE! And watch God do what he does through you!