My Thoughts Concerning Being Prophetic

I was thinking about bringing out an old blog and just posting as is, but then felt that I should update and add the lessons I have learned this past year. This post is a compilation of a few years of growth. The plain text is where I was at when I first started this journey, and the italic print is what I have learned over the last year. Hopefully this will serve to bring more understand as to where I have come from and what God is doing in me currently.

I was born with a prophetic gifting that, until recent months, I had grown to hate. It wasn’t that the gift didn’t work, but rather it worked too well. I have come to believe that our greatest gifts and talents can also become our greatest hindrance and curse. It is not that the gift is bad or functions in a negative way. It has more to do with the perspective of the one using the gift and the consequences (both positive and negative) that come from using it. In my case, it was a curse because there was little understanding concerning prophetic utterances. I only understood I could see things others couldn’t. I understood things that I had no business understanding. I had wisdom on topics that a second grader should not have known about. I had more discernment than I knew what to do with. Yet, the gift was treated as a cancer to be treated and cured. I was the sickly person that had to be kept at arm’s length because what I had somehow would contaminate others. I was never the guy people wanted around when secrets were being laid bare. I was also the guy no one wanted around when people wanted to start spouting bullshit. Before I had realized it, I had developed a nose for sniffing out the truth. Even as I recount this I realize I have many gifts that I have simply not exercised in such a long time because of the trauma…rather because of the blame I have placed on my gifts.

  

Even after a year of growth, I find this is still true concerning certain ways that I see my gifts work. I have continued to struggle in the area of giving directional prophetic words, because of the stigma that has been gained due to bad teaching and shallow understandings. Many times I have been prompted to give words concerning direction, but I have hesitated in giving such words. There is a level of fear that I deal with concerning the accuracy of such words and how often times they can be perceived in a negative way. This is also true when it comes to the area of dream interpretation. Though I know I have the ability to do it, I never branch out to grow in it because it feels like much of an enigma with too many loose ends. Even though there have been many negative points through this year journey, I have found encouragement as I have overcome many of these painful perspectives.

As a prophetic person, experiences have shaped the way I view my gifts and understand the workings of the Lord. It really doesn’t help when your view of the Lord is based upon the people that he has sent to minister to you, but have single handedly torn down every shred of identity that you thought you had. No, this is not me bashing on the people. If anything I am grateful for the presence of those who tore me down. It has caused a lot to begin to transpire in my life currently. However, I do want to highlight the power of the words that we so carelessly speak to one another. I am convinced that many of us still vastly underestimate the power of the words that we use towards one another in passing. We often do not give credence to what is being said. We typically say the first thing that pops into our minds without asking if it will build a person up or will it tear them down. At times we are unaware that we attach ourselves to the words of others or rather, those words begin to attach themselves to us trying to become a part of our being. First the thoughts tend to bounce off of us as we shrug them off. They then start to sting as they begin to chip away at the walls of confidence we had erected. Slowly but surely the essence of these words, slip through the cracks in our confidence slowly but surely sabotaging the confidence we once had. Before we know it the essence of the foul words spoken to us, become the launching point of our identity. Much like an evil king conquering vast lands, these lies begin to take over the kingdom within and subject it to abuse and a foreign culture; all liberty and freedom snuffed out.

What a difference a year can make! After seeing the devastation of thoughtless words, I have begun to see what happens when finely crafted words are used to bring healing to the broken. Nothing can really prepare you for seeing the miraculous happen as a result of a word from the Lord being spoken right on time. No one can prepare you for what happens when words go forth than bring healing to a heart, soul, and spirit. Nothing can prepare you for encountering the presence of Jesus busting down the defenses and he simply says, “I LOVE YOU!” Nothing you can ever do will prepare you for the moments when your gifting is used to set someone free from years of bondage. Yet, it makes the years of pain, frustration, sadness, and anger worth it. That is what this year has wrought for me. I have begun to be on the receiving end of the blessings that occur when words are used properly, when the prophetic is used the way God had intended it. When words are full of grace, saturated in love, and delivered in gentleness, the power released is inexplicable. I have witnessed hearts heal in ways I just cannot explain as a result of learning how to speak the way Jesus speaks to me. Funny, seeing as the greatest command I know of is that we love others as Christ has loved us. I think it becomes so important to give to others what Jesus has first given to us. That love, that tenderness, it makes life so much more bearable, and his words…they are sweet like honey and are more satisfying than anything you could imagine.

My time journeying has brought me face to face with a kingdom in the midst of rebellion. That ol’ crafty dictator has managed to stir me up in such a way that I have sounded the TRUMPET for freedom.  He once had power and control, but everything is shifting. The very foundations of his empire are feeling the reverberations of the sound of freedom. My inner voice…the sound of the resistance cries…NO MORE!!! WE SHALL BE FREE!!!

2015 is a big year for seeing freedom manifest in our lives. I have seen chains being severed from people, by angelic host. I have seen people being given keys for which to unlock their bonds. I have heard the Lord say, “Those who want me will most assuredly find me. Those who are trying to look away will have a hard time because I am burning brightly. I am going to Love the hell out of them to such a degree that changes will happen no matter what. The BRIDE will know how PASSIONATELY IN LOVE WITH HER I AM!” We are in a time where people are going to be getting set up by God to experience his LOVE and KINDNESS towards them. Favor is being dispensed like never before and people are about to uncover gems of revelation that they had been seeking for years. This is a year of celebration and getting to know God as the intimate Lover he is! The sounds of freedom are ringing in the Heaven. FREEDOM IS CALLING!!!

This all brings me to a place where I am face to face with the trauma of the past. The memories of the people, places, and things that were used to cut me deeply are what I am now facing head on. Sometimes I wonder what was I even thinking, letting go of all that I had been given. Then I realize, I was bullied, picked on, mistreated, and fed lies from the day my gifts began to surface. See the most significant voices in my life at the time, were the very ones that helped destroy me from the inside out. Were they purposely trying to do it? No, absolutely not. Most of them were trying the best they could to look out for me. They were doing the best they could with the knowledge they possessed. So I do not fault them. Yet, I am at a place in life where that does not change the fact that the trauma was inflicted. As well-meaning as they were…friendly fire happened and I became the unintentional target. No matter how many times they may apologize it will NEVER take back the pain, hurt, tears, and frustration that were caused. They cannot make up for the sleepless nights they caused. Do I blame them no, but I do acknowledge what was done to me. I am brave enough to say that what was done was not okay. I openly forgive those who hurt me. They honestly didn’t know what they were doing. But, I am unwilling to brush over this stuff anymore because it really did affect me.

Fragments are what I have learned to call these memories and traumatic experiences. I have also learned that most people have these in place. I have also realized that these are safety mechanisms that have worked to keep our souls safe from damage due to these memories and experiences. When we are young we are not able to bear the load caused by such experiences. As a result part of our soul fragments to envelop the experience safely shielding us from the impact of the trauma. However, because the fragment is disconnected from the whole, it stops its development much like a branch broken away from a tree. However, since the fragment never dies, it tends to respond to like experiences years down the road. I have spent most of the last year dealing with many of my own fragments and the effects of them. It is hard because you often come face to face with experiences that have long been forgotten. Yet, as I have walked through these things, I have begun to realize that fragments can be healed. The soul as a whole can be healed. Our identity can at times be veiled because of these fragments. As we deal with them, we come into a better understanding of who we are and who God created us to be.

In the place of forgiving those that have hurt me, I also must begin the processes of forgiving myself. The shame, guilt, and pain run deep. In so many ways I still blame myself for so much. These last few years have taught me a lot about personal responsibility and owning up to my own foolishness. I have begun to recognize that before I even became a teenager I began blaming myself for things that were out of my control, but also for things that I was blaming others for. I held myself as a horrible person because I kept blaming others. Even after understanding how to stop blaming others, I continued to condemn myself. It is an absolute horrible place to live let me tell you. Yet, that is what was comfortable for me…a place I could withdraw to. I subconsciously started to live in a place where performance was the most important thing. I had become the harsh judge that would scrutinize over every misstep. I could never get over the lies that fueled the cycle of performance because I was under the spell of the lies that had been spoken over me by others for so long. I was headlong in a whirlpool of lies, guilt, condemnation, and shame. However, here is where the story takes a turn.

Forgiveness is the key to learning how to walk with God in a deep place. We MUST begin understanding his forgiveness for us, and in turn learning to forgive others. This is one of the biggest keys to relationship with God. Another key I have found is learning to trust God. Walking with God is not the easiest thing in the world because of the various blockages we have in our perspectives. If I were to summarize it, I would say that relating to God is like relating to your best friend. You don’t have to try hard to impress your best friend. They are your best friend for a reason. Through the good, the bad, the ugly, and the downright hysterical, they are there for you. They love you as you are and choose to walk with you because you are simply yourself. The expectation is to walk together through life not for what you can do for the other but because you just like that person. That is how I see learning to trust and walk with God. It isn’t about what I can bring to the table it’s about learning how to relate to Him. He is not worried about me impressing Him. There really isn’t anything I can do, that will impress Him anyways. It is at the point when I stopped trying to impress him that I began to realize something. HE LIKED ME! Not for what I could do, but because of who I was to Him. Learning this reality, has helped me learn to trust and walk with Him. Not because of the things that he can do, but because He is amazing. His forgiveness wasn’t something that I had to work for. It was always extended towards me. In seeing this reality, I realized forgiving others wasn’t about a decision to forgive them, it was a heart posture that said, hey I like you, and not matter what you do my heart will not change towards you. My forgiveness is a done deal on my side, and something freely extended to you without condition, without expectation. God forgave me without me ever first apologizing to Him. My apology didn’t make God forgive me. His forgiveness was towards me was never dependent on my ability to ask for it. It was a choice he made without my permission. This is the largest lesson I have learned this year. Forgiveness isn’t given because someone comes to apologize. Forgiveness a heart posture that is not dependent on the perpetrator. God is a lot better than I ever could have imagined.

My gifts are starting to come alive again. Not because I am trying to get them to come alive. I honestly believe it’s because I am learning to walk with Jesus without having to try to impress HIM or anyone else. I am learning to love as he loves, forgive as he forgives, and walk as he walks. It is an amazing journey.

I'm Quitting Christianity....To Follow Jesus

I am glad to be sharing a new entry today. This entry comes from a friend of mine who recently shared his heart with me on life issues. I couldn't wait to share this with you, when I was given permission to publish it. This is His story...His Life Chronicle.
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Time Machine: Me A Year Ago

My fingers move frantically in a sporadic fashion….my thoughts slowly moving in and out of conscious space. Do I try typing what is in my mind or do I simply wait for that bolt of inspiration (I came back to do some edits because I decided to let my fingers just type). It is at this point where I stop and stare at this mountain that is seemingly barring my path to freedom. Many a writer will find themselves at this point …that mountain known as writers block (This place has prevented me from writing for 4 months now). For what reason, I know not, yet a worthy adversary it has proven to be these many years. This feeling in the pit of my stomach…things are vastly different than before. Change is what I feel, yet what is it that has changed? What is so different now than from before? Serenity…stillness has settled into my once wavering heart (A lot of my memories have started to be healed). The frantic pace that once consumed every part of me has become still.

Emotions that ran deep, with tints and hues to match also have become still. As colors blend, swirl, and accentuate each other on the palette of a master painter, so my emotions have now become. Oh how I love the clarity that has come. New language and vocabulary have captivated my heart clearly expressing my disdain for the mundane (Seeing everything from this lens causes everything to just look the same). There is no such thing has ordinary or common…unique, intricate, and personalized have things now become, rather my perception is now picking up on this reality. As a master taste tester can recognize every nuance in the dishes he samples so is it becoming for myself as I take time to steady my introspective gaze. This mountain that used to cause such melancholy disturbances within my soul has turned into a simple mole hill on my journey of growth.

For one whose vision was severely impaired because of fear, seeing in such a panoramic view is breath taking. Creation is much more vast and beautiful than I first realized (Colors, sights, sounds, even the range of emotions). The people I encounter on my journey each unique and different much like the various cells in my own body, each needing and wanting to be loved and understood in a unique and special way. There is no one size fits all plan in this world I am finding out (A point I cannot stress enough). Each has something that makes it special and unique. I am finding that for things to fit properly, they need to be tailor made. Yes, it takes a lot more work and effort to tailor make things. However, the benefits outweigh the costs. When one makes something that is designed for one specific person…usually the quality, time spent, and effort going into these things sky rockets (Most of the time people pour themselves into what is being made). Yes, it also means that the amount one can produce is severely diminishes, however, the ability to focus and create based upon the nature of the person you are making the item for goes up. Also time spent with said person increases the capacity to adventure and stumble on to new ideas that might bless them. The tailor making process is not one that can be rushed (Creativity does not flourish under pressure). It is one where an intimate amount of time is taken to produce something that will fit properly, beautifully, just the way the person receiving the item needs it. Despite how many other people might feel about what you are doing…the only person that really matters is the one you are tailoring the good for. If they like what has been created, it fits well, and it suits them…there is not much more one can ask for.

I have begun to realize just how important this process is as I continue learning about myself and others. One cannot simply stop walking forward simply at the behest of someone else, who is on their own road, to do all of the exact same things the same way. Though it might work, it is not going to be the best way to do it. For example, I am 5’5 and 125 lbs. Yet I am NOT built like other people my size. See, I have a rather short torso, long legs, and long arms. Unknowing to me, I did not realize these mechanical differences were important for my development as an athlete. I was always taught text book technique for playing sports. Which means it was a mass production of how athletes are supposed to run, jump, and throw. There was one problem…it was all based off athletes whose bodies were pretty proportional to one another…which I DID NOT FIT!

Being 5’5 with long levers meant that I would have to do things a bit differently, so I do not put unnecessary strain on my body. Yet, I was never told this as I grew and developed. So as a baseball player I spent most of my high school years with bicep tendinitis because no one caught on that I was doing things in a way that was making my underdeveloped body scream out in pain. Though, I knew something was wrong…people didn't may much attention to me. They knew better than I did what I needed and how I needed it. I should have been more adamant back then, but there is nothing I can do about it now. See mechanically my body could not handle the stress or strain of following the mass produced mold of doing things. It actually caused much more damage to me than good. Though I learned many things, I am glad that damage suffered was not irreversible.

Experiences that I had long forgot are now starting to pop up and remind me of the value of learning how to walk your own path (Not the path that people expect you to walk, but the one you were designed and created to walk). I am learning how to take advice and correction, tailoring it so that it fits perfectly. I was never meant to walk in the shoes or footsteps of any other person, because time taken trying to walk in their footsteps, down their roads, is less time spent walking down the road that I was meant for. Honestly speaking, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” Yet, one of the scary/frustrating things that I have been seeing is that, if you do not take a person’s advice as it is given, offense will pile up. I am unsure why this happens, and why people feel so slighted, why I have felt so slighted when people didn’t follow my opinion and advice perfectly.

Maybe it is because we feel little value if things are not followed perfectly, or the subtle pride of feeling as if we need to have people follow after us because somewhere down in our hearts be believe we have these things figured out perfectly (I have been guilty of doing this in the past). Either way, I have come to a place where I realize people have to work their own lives out. The path people will walk will differ, and it becomes unreasonable to ask them to travel a road they were never equipped to walk down. For me to share what has helped me grow and developed is a great thing to do, but to expect people to walk those things I have shared, in the way I have walked them out is totally stupid.

I am a 27 year old kid. I have so much to learn (Yes I did just call myself a kid). But I have to learn it as I walk the path laid before me. I am finding that it is neither disrespectful nor dishonoring to remind people of such things (Contrary to popular belief and what many are taught about honor). I may not have your life experience, but the reality is this…there will be no one on this planet that shares all the same experiences as I do. There will be no one on this planet that perceives those experiences the way I do or are affected by said experiences the way I am. It is always honorable to hear someone out and be thankful for the heart behind the thoughts spoken, but not everything has to be implemented or even considered (This is the part that is hard for many to swallow…especially parents and religious leaders). I am finding that it is less about who is right or wrong, but learning to care for people in the process. My responses should never be dictated by another.

Knowing that I am a powerful person and have the power to choose how I will respond to any given situation has helped alleviate the pressure of having to conform to what is “expected” of me (Expectations can kill a person before they even begin their own journey). I am not bound to expectation. There is so much freedom in learning that no one else can dictate to me what I should, what I need to, what I have to, or what the right thing to do is. Fear is a limitation. It will always be. Rejection, shame, guilt, condemnation, and pride are all limiters on what it means to live in the fullest expression of freedom. They rob you of the ability to consciously choose how you will operate. Yet, conversely learning how to LOVE actually will empower you to make hard choices and value those you come into contact with.