My Thoughts Concerning Being Prophetic

I was thinking about bringing out an old blog and just posting as is, but then felt that I should update and add the lessons I have learned this past year. This post is a compilation of a few years of growth. The plain text is where I was at when I first started this journey, and the italic print is what I have learned over the last year. Hopefully this will serve to bring more understand as to where I have come from and what God is doing in me currently.

I was born with a prophetic gifting that, until recent months, I had grown to hate. It wasn’t that the gift didn’t work, but rather it worked too well. I have come to believe that our greatest gifts and talents can also become our greatest hindrance and curse. It is not that the gift is bad or functions in a negative way. It has more to do with the perspective of the one using the gift and the consequences (both positive and negative) that come from using it. In my case, it was a curse because there was little understanding concerning prophetic utterances. I only understood I could see things others couldn’t. I understood things that I had no business understanding. I had wisdom on topics that a second grader should not have known about. I had more discernment than I knew what to do with. Yet, the gift was treated as a cancer to be treated and cured. I was the sickly person that had to be kept at arm’s length because what I had somehow would contaminate others. I was never the guy people wanted around when secrets were being laid bare. I was also the guy no one wanted around when people wanted to start spouting bullshit. Before I had realized it, I had developed a nose for sniffing out the truth. Even as I recount this I realize I have many gifts that I have simply not exercised in such a long time because of the trauma…rather because of the blame I have placed on my gifts.

  

Even after a year of growth, I find this is still true concerning certain ways that I see my gifts work. I have continued to struggle in the area of giving directional prophetic words, because of the stigma that has been gained due to bad teaching and shallow understandings. Many times I have been prompted to give words concerning direction, but I have hesitated in giving such words. There is a level of fear that I deal with concerning the accuracy of such words and how often times they can be perceived in a negative way. This is also true when it comes to the area of dream interpretation. Though I know I have the ability to do it, I never branch out to grow in it because it feels like much of an enigma with too many loose ends. Even though there have been many negative points through this year journey, I have found encouragement as I have overcome many of these painful perspectives.

As a prophetic person, experiences have shaped the way I view my gifts and understand the workings of the Lord. It really doesn’t help when your view of the Lord is based upon the people that he has sent to minister to you, but have single handedly torn down every shred of identity that you thought you had. No, this is not me bashing on the people. If anything I am grateful for the presence of those who tore me down. It has caused a lot to begin to transpire in my life currently. However, I do want to highlight the power of the words that we so carelessly speak to one another. I am convinced that many of us still vastly underestimate the power of the words that we use towards one another in passing. We often do not give credence to what is being said. We typically say the first thing that pops into our minds without asking if it will build a person up or will it tear them down. At times we are unaware that we attach ourselves to the words of others or rather, those words begin to attach themselves to us trying to become a part of our being. First the thoughts tend to bounce off of us as we shrug them off. They then start to sting as they begin to chip away at the walls of confidence we had erected. Slowly but surely the essence of these words, slip through the cracks in our confidence slowly but surely sabotaging the confidence we once had. Before we know it the essence of the foul words spoken to us, become the launching point of our identity. Much like an evil king conquering vast lands, these lies begin to take over the kingdom within and subject it to abuse and a foreign culture; all liberty and freedom snuffed out.

What a difference a year can make! After seeing the devastation of thoughtless words, I have begun to see what happens when finely crafted words are used to bring healing to the broken. Nothing can really prepare you for seeing the miraculous happen as a result of a word from the Lord being spoken right on time. No one can prepare you for what happens when words go forth than bring healing to a heart, soul, and spirit. Nothing can prepare you for encountering the presence of Jesus busting down the defenses and he simply says, “I LOVE YOU!” Nothing you can ever do will prepare you for the moments when your gifting is used to set someone free from years of bondage. Yet, it makes the years of pain, frustration, sadness, and anger worth it. That is what this year has wrought for me. I have begun to be on the receiving end of the blessings that occur when words are used properly, when the prophetic is used the way God had intended it. When words are full of grace, saturated in love, and delivered in gentleness, the power released is inexplicable. I have witnessed hearts heal in ways I just cannot explain as a result of learning how to speak the way Jesus speaks to me. Funny, seeing as the greatest command I know of is that we love others as Christ has loved us. I think it becomes so important to give to others what Jesus has first given to us. That love, that tenderness, it makes life so much more bearable, and his words…they are sweet like honey and are more satisfying than anything you could imagine.

My time journeying has brought me face to face with a kingdom in the midst of rebellion. That ol’ crafty dictator has managed to stir me up in such a way that I have sounded the TRUMPET for freedom.  He once had power and control, but everything is shifting. The very foundations of his empire are feeling the reverberations of the sound of freedom. My inner voice…the sound of the resistance cries…NO MORE!!! WE SHALL BE FREE!!!

2015 is a big year for seeing freedom manifest in our lives. I have seen chains being severed from people, by angelic host. I have seen people being given keys for which to unlock their bonds. I have heard the Lord say, “Those who want me will most assuredly find me. Those who are trying to look away will have a hard time because I am burning brightly. I am going to Love the hell out of them to such a degree that changes will happen no matter what. The BRIDE will know how PASSIONATELY IN LOVE WITH HER I AM!” We are in a time where people are going to be getting set up by God to experience his LOVE and KINDNESS towards them. Favor is being dispensed like never before and people are about to uncover gems of revelation that they had been seeking for years. This is a year of celebration and getting to know God as the intimate Lover he is! The sounds of freedom are ringing in the Heaven. FREEDOM IS CALLING!!!

This all brings me to a place where I am face to face with the trauma of the past. The memories of the people, places, and things that were used to cut me deeply are what I am now facing head on. Sometimes I wonder what was I even thinking, letting go of all that I had been given. Then I realize, I was bullied, picked on, mistreated, and fed lies from the day my gifts began to surface. See the most significant voices in my life at the time, were the very ones that helped destroy me from the inside out. Were they purposely trying to do it? No, absolutely not. Most of them were trying the best they could to look out for me. They were doing the best they could with the knowledge they possessed. So I do not fault them. Yet, I am at a place in life where that does not change the fact that the trauma was inflicted. As well-meaning as they were…friendly fire happened and I became the unintentional target. No matter how many times they may apologize it will NEVER take back the pain, hurt, tears, and frustration that were caused. They cannot make up for the sleepless nights they caused. Do I blame them no, but I do acknowledge what was done to me. I am brave enough to say that what was done was not okay. I openly forgive those who hurt me. They honestly didn’t know what they were doing. But, I am unwilling to brush over this stuff anymore because it really did affect me.

Fragments are what I have learned to call these memories and traumatic experiences. I have also learned that most people have these in place. I have also realized that these are safety mechanisms that have worked to keep our souls safe from damage due to these memories and experiences. When we are young we are not able to bear the load caused by such experiences. As a result part of our soul fragments to envelop the experience safely shielding us from the impact of the trauma. However, because the fragment is disconnected from the whole, it stops its development much like a branch broken away from a tree. However, since the fragment never dies, it tends to respond to like experiences years down the road. I have spent most of the last year dealing with many of my own fragments and the effects of them. It is hard because you often come face to face with experiences that have long been forgotten. Yet, as I have walked through these things, I have begun to realize that fragments can be healed. The soul as a whole can be healed. Our identity can at times be veiled because of these fragments. As we deal with them, we come into a better understanding of who we are and who God created us to be.

In the place of forgiving those that have hurt me, I also must begin the processes of forgiving myself. The shame, guilt, and pain run deep. In so many ways I still blame myself for so much. These last few years have taught me a lot about personal responsibility and owning up to my own foolishness. I have begun to recognize that before I even became a teenager I began blaming myself for things that were out of my control, but also for things that I was blaming others for. I held myself as a horrible person because I kept blaming others. Even after understanding how to stop blaming others, I continued to condemn myself. It is an absolute horrible place to live let me tell you. Yet, that is what was comfortable for me…a place I could withdraw to. I subconsciously started to live in a place where performance was the most important thing. I had become the harsh judge that would scrutinize over every misstep. I could never get over the lies that fueled the cycle of performance because I was under the spell of the lies that had been spoken over me by others for so long. I was headlong in a whirlpool of lies, guilt, condemnation, and shame. However, here is where the story takes a turn.

Forgiveness is the key to learning how to walk with God in a deep place. We MUST begin understanding his forgiveness for us, and in turn learning to forgive others. This is one of the biggest keys to relationship with God. Another key I have found is learning to trust God. Walking with God is not the easiest thing in the world because of the various blockages we have in our perspectives. If I were to summarize it, I would say that relating to God is like relating to your best friend. You don’t have to try hard to impress your best friend. They are your best friend for a reason. Through the good, the bad, the ugly, and the downright hysterical, they are there for you. They love you as you are and choose to walk with you because you are simply yourself. The expectation is to walk together through life not for what you can do for the other but because you just like that person. That is how I see learning to trust and walk with God. It isn’t about what I can bring to the table it’s about learning how to relate to Him. He is not worried about me impressing Him. There really isn’t anything I can do, that will impress Him anyways. It is at the point when I stopped trying to impress him that I began to realize something. HE LIKED ME! Not for what I could do, but because of who I was to Him. Learning this reality, has helped me learn to trust and walk with Him. Not because of the things that he can do, but because He is amazing. His forgiveness wasn’t something that I had to work for. It was always extended towards me. In seeing this reality, I realized forgiving others wasn’t about a decision to forgive them, it was a heart posture that said, hey I like you, and not matter what you do my heart will not change towards you. My forgiveness is a done deal on my side, and something freely extended to you without condition, without expectation. God forgave me without me ever first apologizing to Him. My apology didn’t make God forgive me. His forgiveness was towards me was never dependent on my ability to ask for it. It was a choice he made without my permission. This is the largest lesson I have learned this year. Forgiveness isn’t given because someone comes to apologize. Forgiveness a heart posture that is not dependent on the perpetrator. God is a lot better than I ever could have imagined.

My gifts are starting to come alive again. Not because I am trying to get them to come alive. I honestly believe it’s because I am learning to walk with Jesus without having to try to impress HIM or anyone else. I am learning to love as he loves, forgive as he forgives, and walk as he walks. It is an amazing journey.

I'm Quitting Christianity....To Follow Jesus

I am glad to be sharing a new entry today. This entry comes from a friend of mine who recently shared his heart with me on life issues. I couldn't wait to share this with you, when I was given permission to publish it. This is His story...His Life Chronicle.
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Growing Pains – Relationships

Part of my journey with God has caused me to take another look at relationships, romance, and intimacy. For the longest time I have been in an interesting place, closed off to romantic relationships, while at the same time deeply desiring to be married. This place of inner conflict has become more pronounced as I have begun to deal with hurts from the past. Conversations with close friends have done much to expose underlying issues where my heart is concerned. As a result I have come to some interesting journey markers that I would like to expand on.

1. Learning to love is messy. – There is no way around this. Our greatest example in life and eternity has shown us that love though super fulfilling, is not exactly the most tidy of things to deal with. Learning to love is a messy business. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same understanding of what love is supposed to look like. We have different love languages, ways we speak appreciation, and ways to say "I'm sorry". There are 6+ billion people on the planet, which means there are 6+ billion ways to learn to speak love, appreciation, and repentance. Beyond this grandiose project of learning how to speak love, but there are also the actions involved in demonstrating love to another person. This is a subject I will not speak much on because well, it would take quite a bit of time to flesh out. Suffice to say, that our actions play a big role in how another person perceives and understands love. Love is one of those things that take work and practice. It isn’t something that one will get a handle on even after 30-40 years. Love ever grows, ever changes, and depending on who you come into contact with, it will take time to learn how to love them in the best way possible. In the process, you can expect things to get a little messy, as you are learning to understand the quirks of another living being. Through the process of learning to love, I wouldn't be surprised if you bumped into grace and patience, as they are needed to survive the journey.


2. Love is risky business. – Sorry guys, as much as I wish love wasn’t hard, I have found that it is tough. When it comes to loving in a manner that can actually change lives and help people grow, love is one of the most risky things that you can do. The heart is a fragile thing, and it is often on the line when dealing with deep levels of love. Whether you are talking about a deep friendship, a possible relationship, or even marriage, one must realize that the thing that is always at stake, is the heart. If not taken care of appropriately, there can be tons of damage done. Friendship requires a level of transparency to be done well, but that transparency is what puts the heart at risk. If talking about a relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend), the level of intimacy and transparency must increase, which means the things at stake also increase. If you are talking about marriage then the stakes get increased exponentially. The higher the level of intimacy, the more at risk the heart is. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the heart being at risk. It just means that the self-preservation instinct that many of us have will try to keep our hearts safe rather than letting it be exposed to potential dangers. This is especially true if we have experienced trauma in the past as a result of trying to walk through this area we know as love. Our experiences have unconsciously put triggers within us that begin to fire depending on the potential risk level our heart would be exposed to. It is in dealing with these triggers that we learn what it means to love uninhibited and without condition.


3. Fear is a relationship killer. – This is a touchy issue for me, and one that I get quite passionate about. After sabotaging 3 different relationships in the past, and have some sabotaged by the other party, I can say without a doubt, fear is a relationship killer. Worrying about what other people are going to think, what the future is going to hold, if your family will get along with who you are dating, and other such thoughts, are things that can do much to destroy ANY type of relationship. As one who wants to be prepared for as my scenarios as possible, trying to walk through these things from a place of fear is never a good thing. It is one thing to see red flags and seek counsel on how to deal with such things, however, it is another thing altogether to look at everything as a red flag and seek any reason to call it quits on the relationship. One of the hang ups I dealt with was that I wasn’t sure my friends and family would think the girl I dated was pretty enough. Shallow? Yes, but there was a reason for the shallowness. Earlier experiences in my formative years had taught me to scrutinize these things or otherwise I would be talked about by both friends and family. (I talked about experiences that create unconscious triggers; well this is an example of that.) There are other fears that I have dealt with (annoying habits they had, how they got along with there family, tone of voice, understandings of intimacy, if they wore make up or not...) as well that led to purposefully finding any reason I could to ditch a woman. Hindsight has shown that most of these had been due to triggers that I had not been aware of. If you have an inkling that there might be some emotional triggers that might be sabotaging your relationships, I HIGHLY recommend talking with God about where they came from, and getting rid of them. Perfect love really does cast out all fear.


4. Relationships and walking with God are not mutually exclusive. – I have known some amazing people in my life who have said, “It is better to not be in a relationship if you are trying to grow up in God. A relationship would only detract from the work God is doing.” While at the time the statement sounded spiritual, I have come to believe that it can also be one of the single most devastating statements that can be spoken. Though, the heart intention is to say, its best to stay singular minded in your focus and follow God, it draws a false dichotomy between relationships and walking with God. Statements like this have been used to actually justify the fear of approaching relationships in a healthy manner. While I know that God will at times call people to a time of singleness, I also know that there are times where God will call people to a time of relational growth. In my case, I had to tend to some wounds that were caused by girlfriends, but no one could access my heart, accept someone who was in that role. I had to be healed by the very thing that had caused the damage. I was hurt relationally so I needed to be healed relationally. As I have grown up, I have noted that certain portions of the heart only open up at certain times. If I were to use my mother as an example, the closest male to her (my grandpa) left when she was 12 years old. That scar in her heart, was carried over into her marriage. She acted out as if my father were going to leave her just like her father had. It took the repeated actions of my father PURPOSELY staying and loving her, to help heal my mother’s heart because of the abandonment she suffered so many years prior. If we were to implement the advice of some of the people I know, my mother and father would probably NOT be married for the 35+ years they have been married. I am sure there are many other stories like this, but my point is that one of the killers of growing and healing has been drawing a false dichotomy between walking with God and being in a relationship. This is one of those things that I would personally take on a case by case basis.



5. Honesty begets honesty, the true test of relationship. – This is probably the hardest thing I have learned in the last year. Honesty is hard work. It takes such a level of trust to open up to another that is close to you, to show them what lies within the depths of who you are. Not only are you risking your heart, but at times you are risking the relationship as a whole. “What if they cannot handle what I am about to say? What if they get mad and walk away? What if…” I cannot explain how draining it can be to have to stew over how you are going to share a bit of information with someone that you care so much about. If the relationship is based out of fear, this place of honesty is one that might not be existent. Though one of the toughest things to do, it is also one of the most liberating things in relationship. When you know you can trust the person you are with, sharing anything that is on your heart, well, it’s quite nice. My friend Praying Medic, talked about this idea in his book, My Craziest Adventures with God. He tells the story of how he met his wife. (I do believe this story has applications beyond the scope of marriage.)

“He states, ‘One thing that stands in the way of a successful marriage is a lack of transparency. Out of fear that they’ll suffer rejection, many people hide their past from the person they’re dating. Years later when something from the past comes up(and it always does) the person you thought you knew is no longer the one you’re married to. But by then it’s too late. I knew that if I expected her to quit her job, leave her family and friends, and move across the country to be a permanent part of my life I had to be transparent with her about my past. So one night I told her I needed about two hours of her time, just to listen as I told her about my past. I divulged to her everything a woman would want to know about her potential husband, and I mean everything. My weaknesses, my failures, the things I did wrong in my last marriage, why I had an affair, why I was fired from my last job my fears, my arrest, my financial problems…everything. It was a huge risk, but I figured if she could deal with the junk from my past, she’d have no reason to fear a future with me.'”

I had a similar experience with a friend of mine. I had to be more open about how I felt about her than I actually cared to be. However, I had learned that if I allowed fear to govern my response towards her then there would be no turning back. The relationship would cave in as a whole. (Relationships cannot flourish where there is no trust.)  I am so glad I made that decision to be open about everything. As a result of my honestly with her, she in turn was just as honest. We were able to find some common ground in what we were dealing with while at the same time reaffirming our goal to simply walk with one another through the processes that we were in.

These 5 wonderful things have been the revelation that I have been processing with Jesus for the past few weeks. In order to grow in a given area, you cannot hide from it. You must face it head on. It really doesn’t matter if it is love, identity, grace, God’s goodness, all of it has to be faced without hesitation or hiding. If we are afraid of things often times we will end up missing the answers we so desperately want. Fear is the thing that stands in our way. “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me besides quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me…” Friends fear though it seems real, it is only a shadow. When you walk through that shadow you will begin to see the substance of the things you truly have dreamed of and searched for.

Righteous Judges Or.....????

I am kind of curious as to why homosexuality gets more air time in our country than say, the 7 deadly sins? Is it just me or is there some kind of discrepancy in the way that we go about understanding important issues as a “church culture”? Does homosexuality have more deaths associated with it than any of the 7 deadly sins? Does it cause more of a break in relationships than any of the 7 deadly sins? I am not saying this to condemn anyone, I am just curious. Why is it that the church takes a zero tolerance stand on one sin rather than others which are more prevalent? Those in the LGBT community are in a lot of ways barred from taking ministry positions, but I have seldom seen anyone who chronically operates in the “7 deadly sins” told that they cannot pastor a church or lead worship. So far I have counted 11 verses in the bible the deal with homosexuality as a sin, 90+ dealing with pride, 35+ on greed, 80+ on gluttony, 80+ dealing with lust, 40+ dealing with wrath (hate), 60+ concerning envy, and 70+ concerning laziness. There were however about 100+ dealing with sexual immorality as a whole.

Though greed has the lowest numbers of the 7 it is still mentioned 4 times as much as homosexuality as something God dislikes. That should really make someone think about what is important. But really, who wants to have to confront someone about an issue that on some level we all deal with? Wouldn’t that be hypocritical? Who wants to have that tough conversation and really have a heart to heart about 7 vices that are really common to your average Christian? It is much easier to point the finger at someone who is obviously “in sin” than to turn that finger on someone who walks in pride, or is hateful, or lazy, or greedy, or gluttonous, or lustful, or even envious. Heck, we can rationalize the hell out of the “7 deadly sins” but with homosexuality you really can’t.

All sin is detrimental to the person who walks in it. There are obvious consequences for making poor choices. However, it would seem that our current culture seems to want to empower the “7 deadly sins” by trying to crucify those who are a part of the LGBT community. (Not saying that this how it always is, but it is self-righteousness as its best or worst depending on how you look at it.) What is displayed is a type of deflection that happens when we know we are wrong but we want to draw the attention away from ourselves and put it on someone else. This is where I would begin to apply the parable of the speck and the plank that Jesus talked about. Depending on where you go, the culture of the church practices trying pull the speck out of someone else’s eye without first notices they have a large 2x4 in their own eye. Sadly to say, it is a culture of accusation rather than restoration and reconciliation, of which I have been a part for quite some time.

I am learning currently that as I begin to deal with myself, there is really no place to deal with others. Meaning as I am learning where I fall short, it gives me no space to judge another on where they fall short. Those who have been forgiven much love much. There is such a level of compassion that becomes available as we understand just how much we have been forgiven. In my conversations with God I have been told on many occasions that it is not my place to try to change a person’s lifestyle. It is not up to me to try to convict them of whatever they are doing. Simply put, I am not better than Holy Spirit in the convicting business and I need to stop trying to do his job. The task given has always been to love people right where they are, and expose them to the presence of God. NOTHING ELSE! However, having been brought up in a form of zealous Christianity, I was taught to beat people up with scripture, tell them all the things that God hates about what they are doing, talk about how they would not inherit eternal life, and the like. I forgot the simplicity of the kindness of God leading people to repentance. I forgot that love looks like interacting with people based upon what they are worth not what they deserve. The perspective and dynamic changes when you begin to see a person’s worth from God’s eyes, versus what they deserve because of their behavior. Said another way, when you realize that you don’t deserve anything that you have and that it is all a gift, it becomes a bit easier to interact with those who by Christian standards don’t deserve anything at all.

As I write this, I can feel many scathing rebukes. People want to hold on to their opinions and perspectives more than they want to listen and understand. Their version of righteousness requires certain moral behavior that at its root stems from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Whereas the gift Jesus gave was His righteousness that stems from the tree of life. I can understand how this might seem like I am condoning sin, but really I am hoping to bring into the light that, if we are going to focus on calling sin out in people’s lives, it is best to use the same measure on ourselves before going after the “sinners”. But then again, even that very act is rooted in us acting as judge, which is what transpired when we partook of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. I know this might sound a bit extreme, but if homosexuality is going to garner such attention then we might as well start doing the same thing to ALL those who fall short in these other areas (the 7 deadly sins). Yet, the reality is if we were to do this, there would be many a church that would need to close its doors.

A bigger issue begins to arise when we choose to make judgments that we are not qualified to make against people we are called to love. Many, including myself, have made it a habit to judge people based upon personal standards we carry and interpretations we have on various scriptures from the bible. Growing up, my parents used to tell me and my older brother drinking alcohol was a sin that would lead us to hell. At 28, I think that is absolute rubbish and nowhere in scripture will that story be corroborated. However, it is still a conviction of my parents that drinking is a bad idea. Thankfully, my parents have grown up enough to realize that it is not a sin, nor will it condemn a person to hell. They have had to let go of a place of judgment that they held onto because of past experiences. Judging people based upon a faulty understanding of morality, ethics, and righteousness does not help people grow together. Ultimately these types of judgments end up pushing our fellow man away from us under the guise of being moral and right. This was never the intention of God for humanity.

I remember reading a scripture that says, “…love covers a multitude of sin.” I know this might be out there for a lot of people who have been sin hunters for most of their days, but what would happen if we stopped bashing people for their sin and actually do what this verse says? I mean Jesus did take care of our sin problem by taking them to the cross. Jesus has never once called us by our sin, so why is it that we continue to stand as accusers calling those who fall short by their sin? Does that make since?

I am well aware than many will have missed the whole point of this blog because they will have read some parts that conflict with their theology. Honestly, that is okay. It isn’t something I am worried about. But, my heart is this, how long will we continue to live off of the fruit that condemned us to death and when will be start eating from the tree that was meant to sustain and bring us life? When will we take Jesus seriously and love one another based upon our worth rather than what we deserve. We cannot afford to sit in a seat of judgment, because we become unjust judges. We are not qualified for that position. However, we have been qualified to love. I think it is time to take our rightful spot.

Again, I would like to stress that I am not condoning sin in the least. Nor do I think homosexuality is a lifestyle that should be led. However, I also think lust, envy, greed, pride, and the like are equally as bad. They all belong together in the same category known as sin. All sin has the same remedy and solution. It is Christ crucified. Justice and Judgment for ALL SIN!

The Toxic Mix of Slander and Gossip

Some days you just need to get to a coffee shop to watch videos on You Tube to get the creative juices flowing and to calm your mood. That is where I am right now, away from my stress to actually figure a few things out finally. Inspirational videos of great artist, vocalist, and other musicians typically are a great cure for what ails me. Now that I am in better spirits I can probably synthesize my frustration a bit more accurately.

Recently I posted a video that contained something that Victoria Osteen had stated. I believe quite emphatically that she could have made her statement more clearly and to the point so as to be understood better, but even so, what she said resonated and rung true to me. I have been privilege to read a few things by Joel Osteen that have helped me out of a cycle of stinky thinking. As result, I have morphed from being a hater, to someone who respects Joel. However, another important factor in my choice to stand up for Joel and Victoria has to do with the understanding I now have concerning the idea of slander and gossip.

It is one thing to disagree with someone based upon an understanding that we carry. It is proper to express perceived differences to come to an understanding, even going as far as exchanging ideas to help cause illumination to happen for an individual. Constructive conversations and even intense disagreements are perfectly fine and acceptable. Where the line gets crossed is when the he said she said stuff starts to come out. This is also known as gossip, which is simply second hand information that doesn’t come from any of the parties being talked about. Another line that gets crossed often which in my estimation is more deadly than gossip is slander. People think that it is okay to talk negatively about a person they do not know. At times super-imposing ideas based upon biases that they carry, or gossip that they have heard. None of it can really be verified by the accused parties since it is typically carried out behind the backs of those who are being slandered.

Both gossip and slander are things that are weapons of mass destruction that at times can cause irreparable damage to those that it is used against. Gossip and slander, are not like nuclear weapons that can totally incinerate you within a matter of moments. They are like super toxic poisons that corrode from the inside out. Just the smallest bit of these poisons can cause more damage that one could anticipate. These poisons are deadly because they are spread quite easily and are highly contagious. The American culture is a like a petri dish that is primed for the incubation of said poisons. Very few people are fully immune to the effects of slander and gossip or becoming carriers who infect others with its deadly contamination. Yet, the most harm that comes from gossip and slander actually occurs in the carriers and spreaders of the poison, not the people who are the target of the slander or gossip. It is ironic, gossip and slander, much like un-forgiveness and bitterness, affect the host more than it will affect the target of the poison.

People do not understand that gossip and slander erode who we are as people at the core. We start manifesting things we never thought possible, and most of the time it goes under the radar and un-diagnosed for years at a time. By the time these things become apparent, habits, thought processes, biases, and prejudices have begun to solidify, making it quite difficult to uproot or administer a cure. The sad part about the whole situation is that it causes people to become delusional, suspicious, zealous, combative, and have problems understanding. People become passionate defenders of what they perceive as truth, to the point that their eye sight to see a different perspective becomes severely hindered. People who have opposing viewpoints are no longer seen as family, friends, or brothers in arms. They become antagonist, enemies, and people to be subdued (or brought into the truth). The us versus them mentality becomes clear to see to those on the outside, but to those who are in the thick of things they often times to do not realize that this approach is the root cause of violent conflict (be it spiritual or physical…more on this in a future blog).

I want to offer the response I gave in response to some who were slandering Victoria Osteen’s comments.

               This is the comment that prompted my response:

So defiling the gospel is okay? When you twist scripture (like Satan did), its cool? That's what I got out of that one. What you said was true about the men God elected and called, but they repented of what they did. So Joel repents after ever service of how far he preaches from the truth? Theological understanding in America is so pathetic....

I will only address one thing that has been said here. People are so freaking enamored with false teachers and false doctrine and all the other false things, that most of the time when truth hits them in the face they don't know how to recognize it simply because they have been paying attention to the fakes for so long.

That much being said, I personally think that it would simply be better to let fakes run their mouths and do all the smoke and mirrors stuff they do, than to spend all our energy worrying about who is fake and who is not. Ultimately Paul summed up the gospel rather easily. It is not in mere words but in the demonstration of power. It bears fruit (love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, joy, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control). It is summed up in Love. Jesus said something very interesting, "They will know that you are my disciples by your LOVE." Not by how well you understand doctrine, having perfect theology, saying the right things, quoting the right scriptures, the way your worship music sounds, how much you fast, how loud pray...He said simply by your love...Funny, these are all things I HAVE heard Joel talk about and preach MANY times.

People are so wrapped up on this whole "prosperity Gospel" thing that they have forgotten that it’s because of the Gospel that we can enjoy REAL prosperity. I mean I am pretty sure the same guy that I mentioned...David penned, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." That is something that we eventually did see in the life of David. David desired for a house of worship to the Lord be built...guess what...IT WAS BUILT by his son Solomon. Jesus said, "Ask anything in my name and it will be given to you..." He also said, "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open to you..." The funny thing is...most of us try to rationalize what Jesus said, but He also made a very important statement that many of us forget..."let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these." You have talked about theology, but I am pretty sure Jesus meant what he said. Maybe just maybe this is so far of our Western Civilized grid, because Jesus made it THAT EASY. He made it SO EASY it’s HARD.

See, I find it even more intriguing that within the pages of the bible, you find that our main characters received such grace from God even in the midst of their short comings and hang ups. But if they had lived today...most would hear the same chanting that Jesus heard, "Crucify Him, Crucify Him." We play so civilized but we are just as blood thirsty as the crowd that wanted to kill Jesus. The only difference being we do so subtly. We would rather assassinate a person’s character and disqualify them from "ministry" than to see them "lead someone astray", when in fact I can only imagine the kind of fall out that happened when David took that census and caused countless people to lose their lives. I wonder if the people wanted to have him dethroned...but you see in scripture he kept his position. Yet, if Joel Osteen doesn't preach enough about sin, we want him OUT. He is a FALSE TEACHER a FALSE PROPHET. Give me a break. This is pitiful guy, just pitiful.

I mean really, Jesus had a great idea that I think is brilliant. Ever read the parable of the wheat and the tares. That sums up my feeling of how to deal with those who are "wolves in sheep's clothing" and those who are "called of God". Let them grow together. After a given time it will be seen what they are. Once fully matured then deal with them as needed. Notice, the servants in said parable were given specific instructions NOT to deal with the tares until the proper time. Who among us know when that perfect timing is? Ya, I didn't think so. We do more damage fighting this battle trying to pluck things out of the soil than we do by letting things grow to seen for what they truly are. It is rather SHORT sided and immature honestly.

Yes, I am saying exactly what you think I am saying. Let those who preach a false gospel continue to preach. Given a proper amount of time it will reveal itself for what it is. Meanwhile, that does put more responsibility on the average person to take the time to become familiar with God rather than use the cookie cutter model of Christianity...or as I refer to it..."Churchianity". It will NEVER fall on to a leader to make you more mature in your walk with Christ. That is the Holy Spirit's job. Every teacher of the Gospel or Pseudo teacher of the Gospel will have to give an account for what they have spoken and taught. God will deal with them how he needs to deal with them. However, it really just isn't beneficial to sit her and hurl slanderous arrows at a person just because we do not get where they are coming from, or they are violating our understanding of scripture. Honestly, that is just arrogant on many accounts.

Do I think Joel and his wife Victoria are perfect? No.

Do I think that they have a lot to learn about delivering things? You bet.

Am I willing to call them false teachers or false prophets? No, not at all.

Am I willing to be mature enough to eat the meat and spit out the bones? Yep, but that is something I do with a lot of "bible" teachers. Yes, this includes but is not limited to...MacArthur, Driscoll, Bell, Piper, Wright, Edwards, Nee, Murray, Prince, Meyer, White, Hinn, Wommack, Johnson, Vallotton, Silk, Cooke...just to name a few.

All of these men and women, have blessed me tremendously, but have also caused a bit of frustration. Are they false teachers? NO. Are they false prophets? NO. They all have perspectives that differ from each other, yet line up with scripture. Imagine that. We have some who are Trinitarian in there theology, and some who are not. We have some who are Calvinists and others who are not. Charismatic, Presbyterian, Lutheran, Baptist, Non-Denominational...I mean who freaking cares which label they are. Do they love Jesus? Are they walking with him? Are they on a journey? Okay then let us move right along because they are no different than you or I.

I have made major errors, yet none of those who know me would ever dream of calling me a false teacher or prophet. Everyone who has posted on this thread has done the same things. There are no crazy accusations being hurled at you guys for what you have taught or believed at one point...so why the heck are we sitting in the seat of judgment over them when we know it would be HYPOCRITICAL to do, since we have made errors in speaking, thinking, and critiquing? We have all had to learn and grow given time and mistakes.

Theological understanding in America isn't pathetic, however, people would rather their theology over relationship with the one who has perfect theology and is committed to helping people journey into said theology. People don't want to get messy, to make mistakes; to have a functional theology that actually WORKS outside of their little bubbles. The study of God will always pale in comparison to actually knowing and walking WITH HIM. Study is not synonymous with knowing. Funny thing is you can study someone without knowing them, but you cannot know this without continually being with them and studying them. Knowing about someone is definitely different than actually knowing said person. That is where Western Christianity misses the mark. Not all of Western Christianity, I wouldn't want to overgeneralize and marginalize the people who actually spend their time KNOWING God rather than knowing about God.

In my opinion, no matter how you slice this, whether you dislike Joel and Victoria, it does no one any good to sit here and complain about how horrible they are. What is it going to change? It is a bad idea to grumble and complain about someone you disagree with that God has put his stamp of approval on. Why not simply ask God for understanding in places that rub you the wrong way? Just saying, he doesn't carry our biases. So my vote is to simply wait until God makes a distinctive judgment on this issue whether wheat or tare.

Again, the topic of slander and gossip are things that I take with utmost seriousness. I have seen too many people hurt from deciding to slander and gossip about others, as well as the fall out of broken relationships of those who have been slandered and gossiped against. It isn’t a pretty sight. There are areas that we need to get in check otherwise the church will continue to look foolish and like a non-option to the world around it. It is not a great idea to kill those you call your own or carry the same label “Christian” as you. In this way, there is still not much of a distinction between those who say they follow Jesus and those who don’t. We have to get to the stuff that is underneath the hood rather than looking to fix cosmetic issues. There are deeper issues to be dealt with if Christians as a whole in North America want to be taken seriously by those in our own neighborhoods as well as across the world. It is kind of depressing to hear that in various places in the world Christians are praying not to turn out like American Christians.

Just some food for thought.

The Bible: Law 2.0

Well now that you have read the title, I am sure you might be wondering what I mean. If you have taken any time to read my blogs you will know that I am a proponent of radical grace in all aspects and areas of life. I personally believe the law is utterly useless and full of crap. (Put down the stones…I see you back there…). I am sure many of you who are reading this have your guards put up and defenses strengthened. I can promise you, this blog isn’t what you might think, though there are aspects that will probably thoroughly offend some. It is not my intent to offend anyone or beat people down. I see that happening in the church quite frequently as it is. I hope this will provide relief, peace, and freedom.

So contrary how the title itself sounds, I actually do enjoy the bible. I find it has a ton of great lessons, nuggets of wisdom, sage advice, exhortation, and admonition. It definitely has a ton of uses which I am not knocking the least. As I have been on the receiving end of many of its blessings. I am not bringing that into question at all. So if I am not disputing those things, then what am I getting at? Well I am glad you asked...

I once had the privilege of meeting an author whom I thoroughly enjoyed. Their writing was captivating and inspiring. As they masterfully strung words together, I would always find myself in another realm. If they talked about a morning breeze and dew on the ground, I could almost tangibly feel it on my skin. I could read this authors books over and over. Can you imagine my surprise when I was able to meet this amazing writer in person? I fumbled over my words, but expressed how I loved everything that I had read, how I felt so drawn to them as a writer. It was as if I had known that person all of my life. However, reality came crashing down as the author asked my name and who he was autographing the book for. I soon realized that even though I was familiar with the writing of that great author, I was not familiar to him or with him. See I knew the authors writings, but I did not know the author. But even more of a blow to my ego was the fact that the author did not even recognize me.

The same could be said of many Christians today? While the vast majority of Christians are familiar with passages of scripture, having favorite books, stories, passages, characters…I sometimes wonder if they are at times missing the point of it all. I have heard it said that person A is like David, or person B is like a Peter, or even person C like a Paul. At times I have seen people even say things like, it is as if I really know what David was like, and I can really identify with him. The only question I have is this; have you actually met David, Peter, or Paul? I understand the pull that happens when we get to know certain characters in what we read. Well written characters have the ability to capture our hearts and bring us into their world in a way. The problem is, we are not really in their world and we have not actually met them. If we were given the ability to have them come to life, sadly they would not know us, and we would still not really know them.

See there is a difference in knowing about someone and actually knowing that person. This is where we get to the crux of the matter. The Bible: Law 2.0 is about turning the bible into our ending rather than launching point into knowing the person of Christ. As ridiculous as this might sound, this is becoming more and more prevalent in “Bible Believing” communities. Now this is not a knock on anyone. Please hear my heart. I am quite concerned over the pattern of religious abuse that I have come to see as people are endeavoring to encounter God. The bible makes it very plain that we are supposed to encounter a LIVING Jesus, an ACTIVE Holy Spirit, and a WORKING Father. Yet, what I have come to find especially where I live in Fresno, people are afraid of encountering a Living Jesus, an Active Holy Spirit, and a Working Father, face to face. Religion has been teaching us that our need for the book is just as important, if not more so than are need to actually KNOW God.

If you understand the moral of the story that I shared before, there is quite a difference between knowing ABOUT God through His book, and actually KNOWING God. The bible was never meant to be our end goal, but merely a sign that points to a great existing reality. However, someone we have mistaken the sign as being the only means to get to know this eternal transcendent God.  It is the launching point not the destination.

The more I continue on my journey, the more I realize that life is full of signs that point directly to the person of Christ. I find it fascinating that most of the time I have missed these signs because of my own upbringing and indoctrination. The more I allow Holy Spirit to do what he does in teaching me, the more I find Jesus to be every bit more real that the pages of the book described him as being. What’s more, the conversations with Him have been more tangible than the ink on those pages. Dare I say it, interacting with the living Jesus is so much more awesome that reading the book about Him. I am not trying to be sacrilegious in any way. It is just either the book was telling the truth that He would never leave us nor forsake us, that the anointing that we have received abides…or it was lying and in such case it would be better to throw the book out anyways.

I have determined for myself that if the bible really is true, then I should seek what it says I should seek. It says that I should seek to know CHRIST…not the pages of the book. I mean the book says that Jesus made an interesting statement. “"Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter." Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?'" And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS.' Now if that is what the book says Jesus said, then I want to take it seriously and actually get to know the guy himself. In that way I see the book being a sign that points to the reality of Christ. The pages of the book are not to become for us what the 10 commandments + the other 400+ laws were for the Jews of that day. The bible was never meant to become Law 2.0.

I leave you with these questions? Is what you are doing leading you to knowing Christ in a tangible intimate way? Or is it causing you to know scripture without knowing the person. Are you okay with God encountering you in a way that is uncomfortable...or have you made up in your mind that the only way God can encounter you is the way you have predetermined? Please do not hear what I am not saying. I am not saying throw away the bible. I am saying that if the bible says we are supposed to know the Lord and experience Him…shouldn’t we actually take that serious and do what it says? Isn’t that the highest priority of a Christian...to know God?

But what do I know I am just a fellow traveler trying to figure all of this out. J

God Is Good: Stop Blaming Him for Things People Screw Up

It is interesting to go to church and actually have Jesus meet you there. The fact that he was elated to see me also floored me.  I have been so pissed off at Jesus for last few months because of some issues that have been plaguing my heart. I have been blaming God for some majorly awesome things that have gotten ruined because of human stupidity. Please bear in mind, that I do not subscribe to the idea of God’s Sovereignty in the way that many describe it as being. I do not believe that God has created us and the world as miniature puppets that he micromanages. When he gave us free will, I truly believe that it was given to us in totality, meaning that we have the ability to screw up the great opportunities that God will place in front of us. I believe that he always has our good in mind and orchestrates wonderful things for us ALL the time, not just some of the time. And I believe that I should expect great things from Him because He has always proved faithful in that area; which brings me to a few statements that are going to be hard for some to hear. First being, what God has for you is for you, and you can royally screw it up because of stupidity. Second being, if we are devastated by the things that don’t work out the way we thought they should have, maybe we should consider if we have put our faith in something OTHER than Jesus. Lastly, God is not to blame when others choose to act foolishly and we get hurt in the process. God gave us all the ability to choose…EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. God is not to blame for tragedies that happen, or situations that get out of hand.

I will be the first to admit, God was the first person I blamed after getting fired from the job that he told me he was giving me. Simply put, things didn’t work out the way I had anticipated. I have NEVER EVER been fired from a job, so this felt absolutely shitty. Not to mention for some odd reason I felt as if the conditions for which I was fired were a breach of my ‘contract’ with the whole God being good thing. I put contract in quotes because I realize that is a major place of stinky thinking that has really been a huge factor in this whole ordeal. Nevertheless, I was absolutely pissed off. My fault, God’s fault, or their fault, I had gotten hurt massively. There were many thoughtless accusations thrown out but not as devastating as being accused of sleeping with one of the kids I was taking care of. In my bitter hurt, I blamed God for being the sole cause of the wrong I suffered. It has taken a few months, but after talking with one of my closest friends, I realized that God had become my scapegoat for my pain, not because He did anything wrong, but because we tend to lash out at those closest to us, blaming them for things that they never did. I had no one to lash out against because of the hurt. I sunk into a deep pit of depression and God well he was the asshole that I never wanted to talk to again. I mean how could he do that to me. Take me all the way to Texas just to allow this to happen? Was he trying to teach me something…? If so…that’s all kinds of abusive. Gone were the ideas of God’s goodness. They had been replaced with the idea that God was an abusive Father.  Even though I could definitely talk about how God was good all the time and had a theology centered on such a thing…my heart had been seared, Jesus was an asshole that I wanted nothing to do with. Why you ask? Because he let something so devastating happen to his kid.

Let me just put this out there; I do not think Jesus is an asshole, that was my hurt speaking. That was pain speaking that had no answers. I booked a trip to Oregon to visit my best friend. I knew the trip was going to be an awesome get away something that I needed, but something that I could bless her with as well. The Sunday right before Memorial Day, we got into a conversation about our hurts really beginning to sort out some major frustrations. In the middle of our talk, we both realized as if coming out of a foggy haze that God did not control the stupidity of those we are in relationship with. He doesn’t make their decisions for them. He always brings awesome opportunities to bless his kids; what they do with those blessings really is up to them. As I stated at the beginning of the blog, people have the ability to screw up the blessings that are brought into their lives because of stupidity. When that happens, it isn’t God’s will OR God’s fault. God is not abusive nor is he an asshole who wants to set his children up for failure. Yet, that is what religion subtly feeds us. If things do not happen the way in which perceive they should or something erratic happens, then the outcome was obviously God’s will, and we should not get upset or try to rectify the situation.

 I call BULLSHIT! I find this to be especially true when it comes to things involving interpersonal relationships. God isn’t playing a cosmic game of chess against himself, so I cannot sit here and believe that he is controlling someone else’ response to me or to a situation that involves me. I cannot sit here and believe that when God blesses us there are always strings attached.  I don’t think that when God invited me out to Texas saying that He had a job already waiting out there for me, that he was secretly thinking, “Alright guys, how can we royally screw Cordell over? How can we get his hopes up and then watch them crumble? I wonder….” I am pretty sure when He invited me out there; he was looking at the best possible scenario. One that factored in my growth in knowing him, in learning to love people, and causing my hope to continue to grow. I am not going to sit here and think that this was the BEST possible scenario, or what He had in mind for me when I went out there. I do think that because of the way things have turned out, he has been ever influential in working all things together for my good.

See, I am starting to realize that I got screwed over by PEOPLE not by God. See God never once slandered me, called me out of my name, picked on me, or lied to me. Actually in pretty much all circumstances He was the only one to give me a heads up as to what was going on behind the scenes. In fact it was Him that was always calming me down when I was frustrated with the treatment of other staff and kids that I was seeing. He was ever present, presenting strategies and ideas on how to love people even better. I do not like playing the blame game; however, I want to paint this picture as best as I can. The fact of the matter is that God was not at fault in any of this. I personally was only in control of how I responded to things. My getting fired was OUT of my control and it was the decision of others. See, my employers, at one point saw me as a blessing. Sadly, they did not understand how to treat the blessing that they had received. They made poor decisions which directly impacted me. But, that is what happens when you are in relationship with other people. God can hit you with a perfect setup pass, and the shot taken can be epically missed. This happens more often than we care to realize. Relationships are two way streets that can be messed up by either party even when you have Jesus at the center. Even when Jesus is trying to set up lovers, the lovers can screw up big time. I think it’s high time that I take Jesus off the hook. He always sets things up awesomely. It is not His fault if I fail to take the shot he set up for me, or if I miss the shot, or if the other person gets the pass and decides to let it go to the other team. I think it’s time to start taking responsibility for the things that we are capable of doing.

No it is not God’s will for people to be hurt, sick, frustrated, and miserable or anything like that. That is my stance. He has made all provision for us to be successful with what we have. However, choosing to be responsible for the things given to us is something altogether different. Many would like to sit around and point the finger, blame God, and the like, but is it really God’s fault? The conclusion of the matter is this for me. My previous employers made a stupid decision in getting rid of me. If they only could have realized what they had, but it is too late now. Now someone else is going to benefit greatly from my expertise and knowledge. They let go of something amazing that God had sent to them. Ah well, their loss not mine. I have better things in front of me. No looking back.

I leave you with this…what are you still blaming God for? Is it time for you stop blaming Him? Is it time for you to own your responsibility? Is it time for you to maybe give God a fair chance? Maybe you will find out that he is a lot more AWESOME than you ever realized. Maybe you will find out that he isn’t anything like what people have made Him out to be. Maybe you will find the freedom to ask the questions that people are afraid to ask. My hope is that you find the strength to pick yourself up and continue moving forward.

An Honest Look Under The Hood: Part 2

On the other side of all of this comes the reality of dealing with the core of who we are. It shouldn’t come as a shock to find out most of us are uncomfortable admitting or even looking at who we are. As frightening as this feels, hopefully I can shed light on myself, so that it might give the tools to help shed light on who you are. I feel as if I should say this as a disclaimer…this post is not in any way a self-righteous look at me post, but a rather sober assessment of where I am and the things that I have uncovered over the years.

Who do I say I am? This is a question I have had to ponder for quite a while. Amongst the varying degrees of false pretense and facades, I have found it difficult to get to the core of this question. Who I am is not simply found in what I do, but what I do is intimately found in who I am. It has been a process of going backwards through what I do to figure out who I am. To say I am a drummer, a writer, an athlete, or even a personal trainer would only be partial truths as those are things I do, not necessarily the core of who I am. I am not a teacher, a pastor, evangelist, prophet, or apostle as my core identity, yet many of those things stem from the core of who I am.  I mean this is really confusing because I really do not even understand who I am myself. I am not even sure how I have defined myself all of these years. Just getting out of the mentality of what I do being who I am has been the toughest transition of my life. At this moment, the only thing I know is that I am Cordell Jackson Winrow. I am a mix of wise craziness. I am artistic, creative, and passionate. Though only a part of the whole, it is where I am right now.

Who do they say I am? My friend and others around me have affectionately called me ‘Yoda’, ‘Mentor’, ‘Sage’, ‘Wise Guy’, ‘Crazy Man’, ‘Freak’, ‘Drummer Boy’, ‘Athlete’, ‘Writer’…and a few other things. Put succinctly, it a mixed bag when it comes to the things I have heard others call me and treat me as. To put it nicely even though many won’t say it out right I am treated as a problem fixer or a pillar to lean upon. They see me dependable and rely on me for help when a crisis arises. It sucks to even have to think about this, but the reality that I find is that my value and usefulness wears off with certain of my friends once the crisis has been averted OR things settle down. I am no longer a priority in their lives. It is more about what I can offer and not who I am. To the few close friends I have, I am an indispensable part of their lives. I cannot be replaced because my value stems from who I am to them, not what I do for them. I understand that this is a vast generalization and it comes nowhere close to being a comprehensive list of how people see me, but this is what I am aware of and what I have record of over the last 15 years of life.

I hesitate in even writing this portion of the blog because God pulls absolutely no punches. This section scares me because the sheer weight of honesty that defines this blog will be put to the test right here.

Who does God say I am? God scares me; let me be clear when I say this. His opinion of me is rather high and I have no idea why. First off…God says I am His. No if ands or buts about this. He has been rather clear that no matter what happens my identity is found in being His. Secondly, I am His son, made in his likeness, and image. We just get to magnify the issue here because not only am I HIS, but I am HIS SON. I cannot be disowned or thrown out. I am eternally part of the family. He says I am HOLY and RIGHTEOUS. Okay, I feel like I am verging on territory that I would rather not go, but I cannot deny that these are things He has spoken over me time and time again. I am in complete right standing, totally blameless, totally justified, completely pure, and holy in His sight. He says I am worthy and worthwhile. I am eternally valuable to Him and worth Him giving His all for me. If that isn’t absolutely scandalous I do not know what is. However, it gets better. He sees me as a success story, a prime example of what it looks like to succeed when others count you out. He says I am grace-filled, compassionate, kind, and loving, characteristics that I was born with and display wonderfully. He calls me a seer, one who sees the unseen. He says he gave me that ability because it matches my heart for people and the gifts that I have the help set people free from the places they are stuck in. It doesn’t stop there…and it makes me uncomfortable even acknowledging what I am about to say, but this is what He says about me so it is what it is. He continually says I am a prophet. Though I have no idea what that means in its fullness, I understand that my role and call in life is a bit interesting to say the least. However, more than all of these things…the most special thing I have come to hold to is the fact that he calls me friend. The innumerable times that He has thanked me for being such a good friend to Him, well, they are priceless. The fact that I have felt him weep because of his elation at my heart to care for him…has moved me many times. If I am to be honest, this is only a fraction of what he has to say about me, but the portion that I feel that he is speaking about right now. He is pretty emphatic right now about these things, but understandably. Though I am writing all of this, knowing what I am hearing from Him, it still so hard to believe that this and more is His heart towards me about me.

What keeps me from accepting what God says about me? I think it goes without question in saying that much of this is hard to accept because it seems too good to be true. Like I sometimes wonder, “God, are you sure you are talking about me?” Are you sure that you have the right guy? I mean look at all of these faults…no? What really keeps me from accepting what God has to say about me is a combination of the things that others have said about me and ways they have hurt me, and not really believing there is much good that lies within me. Both of which are catastrophic in the grand scheme of things. I have spent a good portion of my life under the delusion that people’s opinions of you really matter, and that you have to work to keep a great reputation otherwise all your struggles will be for not. It has created an unhealthy dependence on the approval of others rather than standing on what it is God is saying about me…mostly because people I can see…God I cannot. God I hear when alone…people I hear everywhere I go. This is what I consider very unhealthy. I know cognitively that God’s opinion is the one that should matter above all else, but for some reason it has yet to really make it down to my heart. I wonder at times if God is really as credible as people say He is. Again, I know the answer to that question is a resounding YES!!! I just do not know how to get myself to believe that at this point. It is a work in progress.

What holds me captive to what they say about me? This is probably the most revealing portion of this blog. I have spent most of my life under the impression that peoples’ opinions of me matter and that I need to work hard to make sure my reputation is spotless and clean. Doors are opened faster if your reputation precedes you. What I never knew is that it is a tireless hamster wheel that is problematic once you step foot on it. You are constantly working to win the approval of people who don’t matter, who most of the time could care less about you and are more worried about their image. Soon earnest conviction gives way to the facade of a fancy image. No longer does it matter what on the inside of a person because the external appeal has captivated the audience. At some point I was conditioned to think that it was that packaging that was important, not the content. At 28 years of age I am now dealing with the dismantling of this faulty way of thinking. Yet, the truth is, I have not overcome the dangers of people pleasing. I have spent considerable time as a yes man rather than sticking up for my own convictions much less what I know about God…or what he says about me. Shoot if I shared half of what God has said about me to other people…well I probably would have very few friends and being a hermit recluse. The thought of that frightens me terribly. I am not about trying to save my image now…since I have come to realize it doesn’t matter. I am simply trying to make sense of this tangled web so it can be incinerated once and for all. Though I only have begun to figure this out…the opinions of others are really powerless to get me where I want to be. Thus begins my journey of understanding God’s opinion and lining up with that.

Why do I feel like what I say about myself always waivers? I know that what I say about myself waivers because of my personal performance. I do not really understand how to give myself grace and allow who I am to manifest into the things that I do. So consequently what I do outwardly often time manipulates how I feel about myself. What I do has been large part in how I see myself. So the conflict has is understanding that who I am, is not what I do. Learning to reverse this understanding has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I also feel like I wavier because of the opinions of those that I care about. I often will take into account their perspectives even if they are not in alignment with what God says about me. Hearing things over and over again does a lot to solidify things as being a reality. My perception is that of what I see not necessarily what truly is. This is a thing that I am learning to overcome. Things aren’t always what they seem, even if it looks convincing.

What keeps me stuck from moving forward? This is probably the easiest question of the bunch to answer. I keep myself stuck. Plain and simple…the problem is me. The bigger problem or reality as it were is fear. I fear making a mistake that could ultimately cost me my future. This puts me in a place of paralysis and ultimately makes it so the future that I can conceive with the Lord never comes to fruition because action is never taken. It is a case of look, but don’t touch…or window shopping. See at this point in my life it is not about a better strategy or gaining more knowledge. It is simply about doing the things that need to be done to see the results that I want to see. Even in knowing all of this, I find it quite difficult to find the motivation and hope to move forward. These are the inner demons that I face because I know my future is worthwhile. This is also something that the Lord has been reminding me about. Simply doing what you know to do no matter how tedious it might seem. Success is not determined by luck…but hard work and willingness to do what others will not do.

So this is part 2 of the Honest Look Under The Hood series that I am working on. This is simply a series of questions that you can wrestle with on your own spare time to get to know what is going on inside of you. If you are non-religious then you can still tailor the questions to you and omit certain other ones. However, since I love Jesus these questions have been come foundational keys to work through as I go about understanding myself.

Here in lies a challenge I would present to those that read. Take time and answer these questions for yourself. If you feel bold enough please email me what you have uncovered about yourself. I am interested in how this is affecting others and would like to start a dialogue with those who read my blog.

Email me at: cordell.winrow@gmail.com