An Honest Look Under The Hood: Part 2

On the other side of all of this comes the reality of dealing with the core of who we are. It shouldn’t come as a shock to find out most of us are uncomfortable admitting or even looking at who we are. As frightening as this feels, hopefully I can shed light on myself, so that it might give the tools to help shed light on who you are. I feel as if I should say this as a disclaimer…this post is not in any way a self-righteous look at me post, but a rather sober assessment of where I am and the things that I have uncovered over the years.

Who do I say I am? This is a question I have had to ponder for quite a while. Amongst the varying degrees of false pretense and facades, I have found it difficult to get to the core of this question. Who I am is not simply found in what I do, but what I do is intimately found in who I am. It has been a process of going backwards through what I do to figure out who I am. To say I am a drummer, a writer, an athlete, or even a personal trainer would only be partial truths as those are things I do, not necessarily the core of who I am. I am not a teacher, a pastor, evangelist, prophet, or apostle as my core identity, yet many of those things stem from the core of who I am.  I mean this is really confusing because I really do not even understand who I am myself. I am not even sure how I have defined myself all of these years. Just getting out of the mentality of what I do being who I am has been the toughest transition of my life. At this moment, the only thing I know is that I am Cordell Jackson Winrow. I am a mix of wise craziness. I am artistic, creative, and passionate. Though only a part of the whole, it is where I am right now.

Who do they say I am? My friend and others around me have affectionately called me ‘Yoda’, ‘Mentor’, ‘Sage’, ‘Wise Guy’, ‘Crazy Man’, ‘Freak’, ‘Drummer Boy’, ‘Athlete’, ‘Writer’…and a few other things. Put succinctly, it a mixed bag when it comes to the things I have heard others call me and treat me as. To put it nicely even though many won’t say it out right I am treated as a problem fixer or a pillar to lean upon. They see me dependable and rely on me for help when a crisis arises. It sucks to even have to think about this, but the reality that I find is that my value and usefulness wears off with certain of my friends once the crisis has been averted OR things settle down. I am no longer a priority in their lives. It is more about what I can offer and not who I am. To the few close friends I have, I am an indispensable part of their lives. I cannot be replaced because my value stems from who I am to them, not what I do for them. I understand that this is a vast generalization and it comes nowhere close to being a comprehensive list of how people see me, but this is what I am aware of and what I have record of over the last 15 years of life.

I hesitate in even writing this portion of the blog because God pulls absolutely no punches. This section scares me because the sheer weight of honesty that defines this blog will be put to the test right here.

Who does God say I am? God scares me; let me be clear when I say this. His opinion of me is rather high and I have no idea why. First off…God says I am His. No if ands or buts about this. He has been rather clear that no matter what happens my identity is found in being His. Secondly, I am His son, made in his likeness, and image. We just get to magnify the issue here because not only am I HIS, but I am HIS SON. I cannot be disowned or thrown out. I am eternally part of the family. He says I am HOLY and RIGHTEOUS. Okay, I feel like I am verging on territory that I would rather not go, but I cannot deny that these are things He has spoken over me time and time again. I am in complete right standing, totally blameless, totally justified, completely pure, and holy in His sight. He says I am worthy and worthwhile. I am eternally valuable to Him and worth Him giving His all for me. If that isn’t absolutely scandalous I do not know what is. However, it gets better. He sees me as a success story, a prime example of what it looks like to succeed when others count you out. He says I am grace-filled, compassionate, kind, and loving, characteristics that I was born with and display wonderfully. He calls me a seer, one who sees the unseen. He says he gave me that ability because it matches my heart for people and the gifts that I have the help set people free from the places they are stuck in. It doesn’t stop there…and it makes me uncomfortable even acknowledging what I am about to say, but this is what He says about me so it is what it is. He continually says I am a prophet. Though I have no idea what that means in its fullness, I understand that my role and call in life is a bit interesting to say the least. However, more than all of these things…the most special thing I have come to hold to is the fact that he calls me friend. The innumerable times that He has thanked me for being such a good friend to Him, well, they are priceless. The fact that I have felt him weep because of his elation at my heart to care for him…has moved me many times. If I am to be honest, this is only a fraction of what he has to say about me, but the portion that I feel that he is speaking about right now. He is pretty emphatic right now about these things, but understandably. Though I am writing all of this, knowing what I am hearing from Him, it still so hard to believe that this and more is His heart towards me about me.

What keeps me from accepting what God says about me? I think it goes without question in saying that much of this is hard to accept because it seems too good to be true. Like I sometimes wonder, “God, are you sure you are talking about me?” Are you sure that you have the right guy? I mean look at all of these faults…no? What really keeps me from accepting what God has to say about me is a combination of the things that others have said about me and ways they have hurt me, and not really believing there is much good that lies within me. Both of which are catastrophic in the grand scheme of things. I have spent a good portion of my life under the delusion that people’s opinions of you really matter, and that you have to work to keep a great reputation otherwise all your struggles will be for not. It has created an unhealthy dependence on the approval of others rather than standing on what it is God is saying about me…mostly because people I can see…God I cannot. God I hear when alone…people I hear everywhere I go. This is what I consider very unhealthy. I know cognitively that God’s opinion is the one that should matter above all else, but for some reason it has yet to really make it down to my heart. I wonder at times if God is really as credible as people say He is. Again, I know the answer to that question is a resounding YES!!! I just do not know how to get myself to believe that at this point. It is a work in progress.

What holds me captive to what they say about me? This is probably the most revealing portion of this blog. I have spent most of my life under the impression that peoples’ opinions of me matter and that I need to work hard to make sure my reputation is spotless and clean. Doors are opened faster if your reputation precedes you. What I never knew is that it is a tireless hamster wheel that is problematic once you step foot on it. You are constantly working to win the approval of people who don’t matter, who most of the time could care less about you and are more worried about their image. Soon earnest conviction gives way to the facade of a fancy image. No longer does it matter what on the inside of a person because the external appeal has captivated the audience. At some point I was conditioned to think that it was that packaging that was important, not the content. At 28 years of age I am now dealing with the dismantling of this faulty way of thinking. Yet, the truth is, I have not overcome the dangers of people pleasing. I have spent considerable time as a yes man rather than sticking up for my own convictions much less what I know about God…or what he says about me. Shoot if I shared half of what God has said about me to other people…well I probably would have very few friends and being a hermit recluse. The thought of that frightens me terribly. I am not about trying to save my image now…since I have come to realize it doesn’t matter. I am simply trying to make sense of this tangled web so it can be incinerated once and for all. Though I only have begun to figure this out…the opinions of others are really powerless to get me where I want to be. Thus begins my journey of understanding God’s opinion and lining up with that.

Why do I feel like what I say about myself always waivers? I know that what I say about myself waivers because of my personal performance. I do not really understand how to give myself grace and allow who I am to manifest into the things that I do. So consequently what I do outwardly often time manipulates how I feel about myself. What I do has been large part in how I see myself. So the conflict has is understanding that who I am, is not what I do. Learning to reverse this understanding has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I also feel like I wavier because of the opinions of those that I care about. I often will take into account their perspectives even if they are not in alignment with what God says about me. Hearing things over and over again does a lot to solidify things as being a reality. My perception is that of what I see not necessarily what truly is. This is a thing that I am learning to overcome. Things aren’t always what they seem, even if it looks convincing.

What keeps me stuck from moving forward? This is probably the easiest question of the bunch to answer. I keep myself stuck. Plain and simple…the problem is me. The bigger problem or reality as it were is fear. I fear making a mistake that could ultimately cost me my future. This puts me in a place of paralysis and ultimately makes it so the future that I can conceive with the Lord never comes to fruition because action is never taken. It is a case of look, but don’t touch…or window shopping. See at this point in my life it is not about a better strategy or gaining more knowledge. It is simply about doing the things that need to be done to see the results that I want to see. Even in knowing all of this, I find it quite difficult to find the motivation and hope to move forward. These are the inner demons that I face because I know my future is worthwhile. This is also something that the Lord has been reminding me about. Simply doing what you know to do no matter how tedious it might seem. Success is not determined by luck…but hard work and willingness to do what others will not do.

So this is part 2 of the Honest Look Under The Hood series that I am working on. This is simply a series of questions that you can wrestle with on your own spare time to get to know what is going on inside of you. If you are non-religious then you can still tailor the questions to you and omit certain other ones. However, since I love Jesus these questions have been come foundational keys to work through as I go about understanding myself.

Here in lies a challenge I would present to those that read. Take time and answer these questions for yourself. If you feel bold enough please email me what you have uncovered about yourself. I am interested in how this is affecting others and would like to start a dialogue with those who read my blog.

Email me at: cordell.winrow@gmail.com

Vibration: A Frequency Of My Own Pt. 1

When people talk about being unique, I think it is often misunderstood. That, or its meaning is at best seen from a superficial point of view. We must take into consideration that unique is an adjective, that carries with it a depth of importance. It means being the only one of its kind; unlike anything else. Particularly remarkable, special or unusual. Other words like it include: distinctive, distinct, individual, special, idiosyncratic, remarkable, special, singular, exceptional, noteworthy, notable, extraordinary.

I am not wanting to give English lesson, but from what I have seen, people use the word unique in such a hypocritical way. We cannot all be unique while trying to be the same. Now, let me explain what I mean. Why is it that we often try to encourage ourselves and others up by saying we are unique, but with every effort we tend to try to conform to the images that are set before us. 

Obviously, I am not wanting to make a vast generalization. I realize that this does not encapsulate the entire population of people on this planet. However, if you look at trends in society going from clothing styles, music styles, business models, educational systems, even successful people...you will begin to see how these mediums begin to vie for control to see people conform to their image. Again I am not wanting to make vast generalizations, just an observation of what I have been seeing over the past 27 years that I have been living, what I have noticed in my own life.

In my last blog I made mention of my personal frequency and how I vibrate through this thing called life. Hopefully this will bring some insight into who I am but ultimately freedom for those who want to take the adventure of a life time walking with Jesus through the unknown. The journey of understanding how we are wired is what I perceive to be a life long adventure. 

In years past I have taken many personality assessments. Most notably has been the Myers-Briggs which I have typically scored INFP (The Dreamer) and ENFP (The Advocate) with relative consistency. How that happens I am unsure, but I do know that as a result I fluctuate between being introverted and extroverted.  Even with a test like this it just goes to show just how "unique" one can be. Normally with these test one should typically get the same personality score 90% of the time. Yet for me it is usually about 50%. As for the reason why...I am still unsure. Either way If you were to look up the personality profile of both of these personality types you will begin to have a better picture of what I am like...even though that picture is incomplete. 

As I have been living on the ranch, I happened upon a book called Frequency: Discovering Your Unique Connection To God by Eric Parks and Casey Bankord. At first I was simply going to by pass the book as it felt like many other self-assessment books I had read in the past. However, I was shocked to find myself hearing the voice of the Lord tell me to take some time to read this book. I am thankful that He gave me that suggestion. 

The authors talk about Pathways in which we find it easiest to connect with the Lord. Learning styles, the way we connect the dots. Finally they get into different personality types. For the sake of brevity I will share what I have learned about myself as a result. Not an exhaustive list but something to consider.

Pathways I Love to Travel

Creation Pathway - People on the creation pathway are energized and replenished by being outdoors. They love camping, fishing, golfing, boating, or any activity that requires interaction with nature. If they are cooped up inside for too long, their soul starts to feel stale and uninspired. They see God in the spectacular, but also in the everyday outside world. People on this pathway need to spend large chunks of time outdoors. Whey they do, they will begin to sense a growing desire for God.

Contemplative Pathway - People on the contemplative pathway love large blocks of uninterrupted time alone. Reflection and observation come naturally to them. Images, metaphors, and simple thoughts help them as they pray. They have a large interior world of intra personal communication, and they don't require much external stimulation. Making time to listen to God in silence and solitude is vital to the health of their souls and necessary for them to experience a deepening sense of God's presence. They need regular, protected, intense, and undisturbed times alone.

Intellectual Pathway - People on the intellectual pathway are energized by intellectually stimulating conversations and debates. Ideas are as alive to them as people are to others. They love to study Scripture. They love thinking about theology. They read a lot. When in church, they usually don't enjoy the creative or music portion of the service nearly as much as the message. They solve problems by analysis and logic. They feel closest to God when learning about Him through great books, deep thoughts, complex conversations, and sound teaching.

Worship Pathway - People on the worship pathway have a natural gift for expression and celebration. something deep inside of them feels released when they are able to voice their praise and adoration for God. Some of there most formative moments occur during times of musical worship. They need to experience great worship on a regular basis. Likely, these types of people have favorite songs they listen too over and over as a way to connect with God.

Above you can see the places in which I crossed certain things off that do not pertain to me. Rather they do not ring true in me as to the way that I am wired. I am forced to stop this entry rather abruptly because of its length. I will get more into my learning styles and personality traits at different time, however, this I believe does serve the purpose intended. 

As I have been hanging out with the Lord many of these things have been highlighted in many ways. The Myers-Briggs description and the pathways described have been useful tools in learning about myself as well as the way the loves to engage me. I definitely want to engage this in a more passionate way as well. I feel as if I have been quite informative as to how things relate to me, but I do want to spend some time expressing from a deep place what this looks like for me practically. 

I believe we have to begin to simply be candid about these things so as to help others along on their own journeys. This is not to say I want anyone to emulate me in anyway, rather gather the tools that I have to share, and use them for yourself. How you engage with God, the dialog you share with Him, the way the way it comes about will all be tailored to who you are as a person. I have yet to meet anyone who has ever shared the exact same encounters as me verbatim. Many of us have had similar experiences, yet none were exactly the same.  

With that, I bid you adieu. 

Let's Talk Porn Pt. 2

After getting such great feedback from PART 1 of the blog, I decided to set out sometime to dive into Part 2, which really is just my own journey through dealing with porn and why I have such a vendetta against the industry.

It is always a bit unnerving sharing this part of my life with people because of the stigma that is attached to the whole idea of pornography, given by the church. See I got my start into pornography...rather viewing porn when I was 13 years old. Back in 1999. I remember it clearly. I walked into one of the bathrooms of my junior high and mistakenly caught a classmate masturbating to a dirty magazine. He thought I was going to rat him out so he gave me the magazine, so as to make me his accomplice. That one moment...changed my life...

In a time where internet filters were no where to be found, and 56k dial-up modems were the norm...I found myself on the computer at all hours of the day and or night depending on if my parents were at home or going to be home...searching all types of crazy shit. Most of the time I was too afraid to actually search porn, so I would search for adult like content that could achieve the same gratification that a hardcore porn site or magazine would offer me. See my descent into pornography was actually very gradual. Up until I was about 15 I wasn't very intrigued by naked women. The reason...one word...PUBERTY. At 15 a massive transformation dramatically occurred. I discovered my sex drive...unfortunately...it had an appetite that I could not control or manage.

Before I realized it. The girls around me started dressing differently. I saw more skin than I could handle. The dancing changed from being silly to being provocative and seductive. What's more DSL become available at home. We finally had an upgraded internet connection. Then throw on top that I was dealing with MAJOR DEPRESSION. All of these factors spelled my doom from my high school years. See for me, high school was the most miserable time of my life. I wasn't like my peers. I was a wanderer...the lone wolf...the outcast. Well, I was wanted around for certain purposes (being the kid that has a ton of rather odd skills pays off at times I guess). The cure for the hurt...you guessed it...porn. I wouldn't be made fun of for my height or other more personal things. Even as I write this...I feel a special seething hatred towards certain individuals on my 2004 high school baseball team for the nickname they gave me (...Nipples...). All year that is what I was called and how they addressed me at practice. Ya...what did I do...I would go home...and look at porn to relieve my hurting heart.

See for me the reality was I had something on my hands that would almost instantly take the pain of my heart away...or so I thought. High school was rough for another reason...CHURCH. Adults really do not know how much damage they do to teenagers without realizing it. See sometimes I think church folk are the worst. I got to hear how they dogged my peers who had sex outside of wedlock. I got to see how they were demonized. I got to hear how people were punished and taken out of the things that were bringing them out of a place of guilt and shame. It is about that time that I decided that I would NEVER EVER share what I was dealing with. I never wanted to be shamed and talked about like that. Yet, that is also when I got another label within my youth group...(Mr. Super Spiritual...).

My senior year of high school is when I started to notice how addictive porn was. I decided it was time that I stopped. OH HOW I TRIED. I was looking for solutions EVERYWHERE. I was out of options because I couldn't talk to my parents...they would freak out. I couldn't talk to people at the church I had already seen how they treated others...I knew what fate would befall me if I said anything. I couldn't talk to my teachers because they would get my parents involved. My friends were of no use...well because I didn't really have any. I never had felt despair like that...even after all of the years of depression...this was something unique. Couple that on the fact that I was lying while I was going through these purity classes that we had at our church...I felt dirty...I felt like the scum of the earth.

I would spend the next 8 years in a constant state of struggle and war with an addiction. Ultimately, I would lose my virginity because of this war.

 All of college was a pain in the ass. Why? Well...I went to a Christian institution. Porn was like the cardinal sin at the time. Mind you, I had no understanding of grace. I thought being a christian was all about performance. So you had to maintain an exterior of excellence and piety. Well, while trying to do that...I saw one of my favorite professors sent to jail because of porn. It was the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I had ever seen anything like that. It shook me to the core. Again I made a silent vow to NEVER EVER share whats going on in the depths of my heart. Up to this point I had never seen anyone beat porn. I had seen it devastate lives and I thought mine was about to be totally broken.

I remember driving on my way back to the university with tears in my eyes..."God will I ever be free? Am I doomed to be trapped for the rest of my life...feeling this...this black spot of shame and guilt?" In a clear moment God responded as lightning and said, "NO!"

I have held on to that to this day. A promise from a loving Dad to a son who wants nothing more than to be the shining example of purity and redemption. I sit and I write. I reflect on where I have been. I meditate on where God has brought me from. Closer today than I was yesterday. More free than I have ever been in my life. At a place in my life where I can openly admit the struggle and the fight I have been in since I was 18 and decided I didn't want this for my life. I am now 27 wanting to settle down, and establish a family in the near future. I have heard it so many times said, that if you are dealing with porn, you are not fit to start a family. I have believed that for such a long time....

BUT....

I now am in a place to say...FUCK THAT!!!!

I will not let my past define me. I will not let the challenges set me back! I am who God says I am. I AM VICTORIOUS! I AM FORGIVEN! I AM HEALED!

As I spend time with God, I realize the issue is no longer about porn. It is simply about understanding the righteousness He has given me and learning how to operate in it. For so long I have been operating out of the wrong operating system and it has been screwing everything. He redefined my operating system and I see more victories than I do failures. I live in more freedom than I have even known in my life. For that I am extremely grateful.

Remember that vendetta I was talking about?

Yes I want to absolutely obliterate this thing from the face of the universe.

Why?

Men and women I love have been victims of this industry.
Those I love and care about have been kidnapped and forced into the industry.
Some I know personally have been rescued from the industry.

The scars that it has left these people with...can never really be accurately described.

Even more so...I never want my children to have to suffer the way I have suffered, and the way I have caused others to suffer because of this industry and its lure.

I don't want to have to see my nephews go through the pain, the shame, the disgrace, the guilt that I had to go through. They deserve better than that.

Yet, for those who are struggling...who feel trapped...who have no one to talk to...who want to be free...I will always have a soft spot for them. Because...I know as a young man what it feels like to have your hope, joy, passion, and freedom stripped from you.

I think of those who are my little brothers in the faith, who have confided in me. The weight of the pain they carry.

THIS MUST STOP!

And I say it STARTS with ME!

The Journey Begins

The legend begins here. A silhouette that becomes the greatest image of my style and unconventional way of living. I have found the more I try and stay silent the more frustrated I become. I have decided that I might as well simply be myself and create to my hearts content regardless of the flack that I catch. This is the reason for this blog. My life is full of color as well as teachable moments. Nothing is as it appears. Life is full of smoke and mirrors, illusions that cause us to see things that are not there. Other times we see empty space only to run into a brick wall we had not perceived. I find that we live as being subject to reality rather than being the type of people that reality bends to. I prefer to be the latter. "Bout That Lyfe Chronicles" is about my journey to see that happen within my life and the world around me. It is a means of expressing myself to a degree that I have not done at any point in my life. It is a journey with friends and family as I ask them to also post bits and pieces of the journey that they have had with me and apart from me.

This photo to the right represents how I see reality. I was meant to defy common sense to do the impossible. I walk on water and create the greatest of storms. It is both beautiful and awesome. Clothed in a white robe (righteousness/purity), white hair (wisdom/knowledge/creativity), twin swords (writing/music). A warrior ready to take on a world that says that impossibility is an inevitability that we must accept at some point or another. I am linked with a group of people who understand this passionate side of me. Realistic...is not a word that I will ever let characterize who I am. I AM IMAGINATIVE! Being defined by the labels of others is a thing of the past. I am not weird, crazy or out there. I am a fellow human being who has a road all his own to travel. How I would have love to have others on this road, but I realize that this is simply a road for one. Those I love and cherish have there own paths to take and it would be detrimental for them to walk the road I am walking. Understanding that its okay to do what one needs to do on their own journey is important for developing into a mature yet child like person. Making tough decisions in the face of opposition is never an easy thing, but as I start my journey I am discerning the underlying value of being unique...being myself. 

Thank you for taking to stop by the page and join me on my journey. In the months to come I will expand on this idea of what it means to be "bout that lyfe." The implications are more than just a fancy change of lingo. It is a reflection of a life alteration.

Welcome to the BOUT THAT LYFE CHRONICLES

Check out my other blog as well.