At times I simply stare wide eyed in wonder. Am I living
life or is life living me? Is this first person or third person? I look at my
palms, almost staring through them. What is real? The texture of my skin, the
feel of the hot air around me, is it real or is it a figment of my imagination?
Is this nothing more than a construct of the walls my imagination creates or is
this all there is? Let me back up for a second. I see these thoughts can be
quite confusing without proper context.
See, in the deepest reaches of my being, are the faintest
glimmers of mystical experience that can only be described as other worldly.
Sparkles of brilliance amongst the mass of darkness, the backdrop from which
illumination and radiance begin to shine. This is my own inner darkness, depression,
and depravity. Rather, my self-imposed darkness, depression, and depravity.
Though the cloak of this living darkness seeks to suffocate all sparks of life,
I find myself amazed at the resilience of ideas, dreams, hopes, and wants that
seem to be immortal and unconquerable.
See there is a silly notion that runs rampant. No matter how
many times society, family, friends, religion try to assassinate it, the
eternal entity, this dream continues to live on. It has faced the electric
chair, the firing squad, the gas chamber, lethal injection, decapitation, the
noose, even being drowned. Yet, like a phoenix it is reborn each time with new
intensity always engulfed in flames. My eyes cannot forget what has already
been seen. No matter how much I fight, I am overcome by the urge to be my own
superhero. No cape, not tights, or spandex, yet these abilities and ideas that
overcome every barrier known to man.
As I awaken from my slumber, a question begins to haunt me.
WHO….AM….I? From the darkness arise those small but intense radiant lights.
Piece by piece these lights fragments begin forming an essence, an entity, not
yet to have been seen by the world around it. They pulse with light, yet are
being arranged in phenomenal detail. What or rather WHO is this? Are we in
first person or are we in third person. Am I viewing me or am I viewing someone
else?
I would swear I was seeing a musically themed super hero. He
vibrated and resonated sound. He carried around a guitar, played the drums, loved
by all, able to tap into a realm all his own and create sounds that would
unlock the emotional heartbeat of all he came in contact with. He was charming,
full of charisma, gentle, and full of wisdom. Mild mannered was his nature,
full or hospitality, and wit. His persona was larger than life, full of joy. He
is one that wants to share gifts with all he encounters. Humble and thoroughly
loving, that is who this man is.
However, when I
changed perspective and looked at him again, I was amazed. He was a fighter. He
had punches and kicks that could dominate any man on the planet. He was like
fire. Once ignited, he was quite hard to control. He is full of passion and a
sense of loving justice. His determination was one that could not be moved or
budged. He was loved by all because of the intentionality of his ways. He was
honest beyond anything anyone had ever seen. Truly this must have been the true
form of the entity that was being made.
As I was lost in my thoughts, the light refracted causing me
to be drawn in. What I was seeing was nothing like the other men I had seen.
This one, he is refined, scholarly, a gentleman par excellent. The air around
him was noble, refined, without a hint of arrogance or narcissism. His mere
presence invited those around him into a higher place of being. He caused the
dreams within people to awaken and begin to bloom. He was all about others and
maximizing ones potential for the benefit of the world around. This man smelled
of selflessness, a fragrance of pure intoxication.
Just when I thought I had seen everything this being had to
offer, I was again surprised as I witnessed a vast new horizon. I was in the
presence of a sage. His wisdom, knowledge, and understanding of the laws
governing the world around were second to none. He was well learned but had
such experience to back him up. It was a rare mixture which caused his words to
hit home with force. As he spoke I realized though he had many answers, it was
not the place he derived his essence from. I could tell he had more questions
than I could fathom at this point. His questions fueled his desire to continue
learning and understanding life. Though he looked relatively young, I
understood that he had been around for eons. He would continue even after most of the world
as I knew it had passed away.
As overwhelming as all of this was, I shaken to full
attention as a hand grasped my shoulder. I turned around and there was the
entity well rather it felt like the entity but rather than being formed it was moving
as if it were already alive. As I looked
I was undone. Of everything I had just written down and pondered, I was met
face to face with a being that transcended my physical sense forcefully but
gently bringing me into a space that had previously been hidden to the human
eye. Call it supernatural, metaphysical, eternal, those words are only able to
scratch the surface of where I was thrust into. As I looked at this person, I
realized he is the sage, the musician, the gentleman, and the fighter. They are
mere facets of his eternal being…my eternal being. Gazing into His eyes I saw myself. He is Me,
and I am Him. However, he was not finished, as I watched this surreal even
unfold, He began to create. The artistry, the creativity, the innovation, and
innocence, brought me to tears. I could hear the symphony as he sculpted. I
heard the poetry as he painted. I could see the cinema sequence as he
choreographed. Though it made no cognitive sense, my whole being felt as if
this is exactly what I have been looking for all my life.
All at once I was again alone in my room. Left to ponder the
mystery of what lies within me. Again to fight a voice that tells me there is
nothing to like about myself. There is nothing to love…nothing worthwhile.
But…
This time…
I am not alone.
