God Is Good: Stop Blaming Him for Things People Screw Up

It is interesting to go to church and actually have Jesus meet you there. The fact that he was elated to see me also floored me.  I have been so pissed off at Jesus for last few months because of some issues that have been plaguing my heart. I have been blaming God for some majorly awesome things that have gotten ruined because of human stupidity. Please bear in mind, that I do not subscribe to the idea of God’s Sovereignty in the way that many describe it as being. I do not believe that God has created us and the world as miniature puppets that he micromanages. When he gave us free will, I truly believe that it was given to us in totality, meaning that we have the ability to screw up the great opportunities that God will place in front of us. I believe that he always has our good in mind and orchestrates wonderful things for us ALL the time, not just some of the time. And I believe that I should expect great things from Him because He has always proved faithful in that area; which brings me to a few statements that are going to be hard for some to hear. First being, what God has for you is for you, and you can royally screw it up because of stupidity. Second being, if we are devastated by the things that don’t work out the way we thought they should have, maybe we should consider if we have put our faith in something OTHER than Jesus. Lastly, God is not to blame when others choose to act foolishly and we get hurt in the process. God gave us all the ability to choose…EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. God is not to blame for tragedies that happen, or situations that get out of hand.

I will be the first to admit, God was the first person I blamed after getting fired from the job that he told me he was giving me. Simply put, things didn’t work out the way I had anticipated. I have NEVER EVER been fired from a job, so this felt absolutely shitty. Not to mention for some odd reason I felt as if the conditions for which I was fired were a breach of my ‘contract’ with the whole God being good thing. I put contract in quotes because I realize that is a major place of stinky thinking that has really been a huge factor in this whole ordeal. Nevertheless, I was absolutely pissed off. My fault, God’s fault, or their fault, I had gotten hurt massively. There were many thoughtless accusations thrown out but not as devastating as being accused of sleeping with one of the kids I was taking care of. In my bitter hurt, I blamed God for being the sole cause of the wrong I suffered. It has taken a few months, but after talking with one of my closest friends, I realized that God had become my scapegoat for my pain, not because He did anything wrong, but because we tend to lash out at those closest to us, blaming them for things that they never did. I had no one to lash out against because of the hurt. I sunk into a deep pit of depression and God well he was the asshole that I never wanted to talk to again. I mean how could he do that to me. Take me all the way to Texas just to allow this to happen? Was he trying to teach me something…? If so…that’s all kinds of abusive. Gone were the ideas of God’s goodness. They had been replaced with the idea that God was an abusive Father.  Even though I could definitely talk about how God was good all the time and had a theology centered on such a thing…my heart had been seared, Jesus was an asshole that I wanted nothing to do with. Why you ask? Because he let something so devastating happen to his kid.

Let me just put this out there; I do not think Jesus is an asshole, that was my hurt speaking. That was pain speaking that had no answers. I booked a trip to Oregon to visit my best friend. I knew the trip was going to be an awesome get away something that I needed, but something that I could bless her with as well. The Sunday right before Memorial Day, we got into a conversation about our hurts really beginning to sort out some major frustrations. In the middle of our talk, we both realized as if coming out of a foggy haze that God did not control the stupidity of those we are in relationship with. He doesn’t make their decisions for them. He always brings awesome opportunities to bless his kids; what they do with those blessings really is up to them. As I stated at the beginning of the blog, people have the ability to screw up the blessings that are brought into their lives because of stupidity. When that happens, it isn’t God’s will OR God’s fault. God is not abusive nor is he an asshole who wants to set his children up for failure. Yet, that is what religion subtly feeds us. If things do not happen the way in which perceive they should or something erratic happens, then the outcome was obviously God’s will, and we should not get upset or try to rectify the situation.

 I call BULLSHIT! I find this to be especially true when it comes to things involving interpersonal relationships. God isn’t playing a cosmic game of chess against himself, so I cannot sit here and believe that he is controlling someone else’ response to me or to a situation that involves me. I cannot sit here and believe that when God blesses us there are always strings attached.  I don’t think that when God invited me out to Texas saying that He had a job already waiting out there for me, that he was secretly thinking, “Alright guys, how can we royally screw Cordell over? How can we get his hopes up and then watch them crumble? I wonder….” I am pretty sure when He invited me out there; he was looking at the best possible scenario. One that factored in my growth in knowing him, in learning to love people, and causing my hope to continue to grow. I am not going to sit here and think that this was the BEST possible scenario, or what He had in mind for me when I went out there. I do think that because of the way things have turned out, he has been ever influential in working all things together for my good.

See, I am starting to realize that I got screwed over by PEOPLE not by God. See God never once slandered me, called me out of my name, picked on me, or lied to me. Actually in pretty much all circumstances He was the only one to give me a heads up as to what was going on behind the scenes. In fact it was Him that was always calming me down when I was frustrated with the treatment of other staff and kids that I was seeing. He was ever present, presenting strategies and ideas on how to love people even better. I do not like playing the blame game; however, I want to paint this picture as best as I can. The fact of the matter is that God was not at fault in any of this. I personally was only in control of how I responded to things. My getting fired was OUT of my control and it was the decision of others. See, my employers, at one point saw me as a blessing. Sadly, they did not understand how to treat the blessing that they had received. They made poor decisions which directly impacted me. But, that is what happens when you are in relationship with other people. God can hit you with a perfect setup pass, and the shot taken can be epically missed. This happens more often than we care to realize. Relationships are two way streets that can be messed up by either party even when you have Jesus at the center. Even when Jesus is trying to set up lovers, the lovers can screw up big time. I think it’s high time that I take Jesus off the hook. He always sets things up awesomely. It is not His fault if I fail to take the shot he set up for me, or if I miss the shot, or if the other person gets the pass and decides to let it go to the other team. I think it’s time to start taking responsibility for the things that we are capable of doing.

No it is not God’s will for people to be hurt, sick, frustrated, and miserable or anything like that. That is my stance. He has made all provision for us to be successful with what we have. However, choosing to be responsible for the things given to us is something altogether different. Many would like to sit around and point the finger, blame God, and the like, but is it really God’s fault? The conclusion of the matter is this for me. My previous employers made a stupid decision in getting rid of me. If they only could have realized what they had, but it is too late now. Now someone else is going to benefit greatly from my expertise and knowledge. They let go of something amazing that God had sent to them. Ah well, their loss not mine. I have better things in front of me. No looking back.

I leave you with this…what are you still blaming God for? Is it time for you stop blaming Him? Is it time for you to own your responsibility? Is it time for you to maybe give God a fair chance? Maybe you will find out that he is a lot more AWESOME than you ever realized. Maybe you will find out that he isn’t anything like what people have made Him out to be. Maybe you will find the freedom to ask the questions that people are afraid to ask. My hope is that you find the strength to pick yourself up and continue moving forward.

Let's Talk Porn Pt. 2

After getting such great feedback from PART 1 of the blog, I decided to set out sometime to dive into Part 2, which really is just my own journey through dealing with porn and why I have such a vendetta against the industry.

It is always a bit unnerving sharing this part of my life with people because of the stigma that is attached to the whole idea of pornography, given by the church. See I got my start into pornography...rather viewing porn when I was 13 years old. Back in 1999. I remember it clearly. I walked into one of the bathrooms of my junior high and mistakenly caught a classmate masturbating to a dirty magazine. He thought I was going to rat him out so he gave me the magazine, so as to make me his accomplice. That one moment...changed my life...

In a time where internet filters were no where to be found, and 56k dial-up modems were the norm...I found myself on the computer at all hours of the day and or night depending on if my parents were at home or going to be home...searching all types of crazy shit. Most of the time I was too afraid to actually search porn, so I would search for adult like content that could achieve the same gratification that a hardcore porn site or magazine would offer me. See my descent into pornography was actually very gradual. Up until I was about 15 I wasn't very intrigued by naked women. The reason...one word...PUBERTY. At 15 a massive transformation dramatically occurred. I discovered my sex drive...unfortunately...it had an appetite that I could not control or manage.

Before I realized it. The girls around me started dressing differently. I saw more skin than I could handle. The dancing changed from being silly to being provocative and seductive. What's more DSL become available at home. We finally had an upgraded internet connection. Then throw on top that I was dealing with MAJOR DEPRESSION. All of these factors spelled my doom from my high school years. See for me, high school was the most miserable time of my life. I wasn't like my peers. I was a wanderer...the lone wolf...the outcast. Well, I was wanted around for certain purposes (being the kid that has a ton of rather odd skills pays off at times I guess). The cure for the hurt...you guessed it...porn. I wouldn't be made fun of for my height or other more personal things. Even as I write this...I feel a special seething hatred towards certain individuals on my 2004 high school baseball team for the nickname they gave me (...Nipples...). All year that is what I was called and how they addressed me at practice. Ya...what did I do...I would go home...and look at porn to relieve my hurting heart.

See for me the reality was I had something on my hands that would almost instantly take the pain of my heart away...or so I thought. High school was rough for another reason...CHURCH. Adults really do not know how much damage they do to teenagers without realizing it. See sometimes I think church folk are the worst. I got to hear how they dogged my peers who had sex outside of wedlock. I got to see how they were demonized. I got to hear how people were punished and taken out of the things that were bringing them out of a place of guilt and shame. It is about that time that I decided that I would NEVER EVER share what I was dealing with. I never wanted to be shamed and talked about like that. Yet, that is also when I got another label within my youth group...(Mr. Super Spiritual...).

My senior year of high school is when I started to notice how addictive porn was. I decided it was time that I stopped. OH HOW I TRIED. I was looking for solutions EVERYWHERE. I was out of options because I couldn't talk to my parents...they would freak out. I couldn't talk to people at the church I had already seen how they treated others...I knew what fate would befall me if I said anything. I couldn't talk to my teachers because they would get my parents involved. My friends were of no use...well because I didn't really have any. I never had felt despair like that...even after all of the years of depression...this was something unique. Couple that on the fact that I was lying while I was going through these purity classes that we had at our church...I felt dirty...I felt like the scum of the earth.

I would spend the next 8 years in a constant state of struggle and war with an addiction. Ultimately, I would lose my virginity because of this war.

 All of college was a pain in the ass. Why? Well...I went to a Christian institution. Porn was like the cardinal sin at the time. Mind you, I had no understanding of grace. I thought being a christian was all about performance. So you had to maintain an exterior of excellence and piety. Well, while trying to do that...I saw one of my favorite professors sent to jail because of porn. It was the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I had ever seen anything like that. It shook me to the core. Again I made a silent vow to NEVER EVER share whats going on in the depths of my heart. Up to this point I had never seen anyone beat porn. I had seen it devastate lives and I thought mine was about to be totally broken.

I remember driving on my way back to the university with tears in my eyes..."God will I ever be free? Am I doomed to be trapped for the rest of my life...feeling this...this black spot of shame and guilt?" In a clear moment God responded as lightning and said, "NO!"

I have held on to that to this day. A promise from a loving Dad to a son who wants nothing more than to be the shining example of purity and redemption. I sit and I write. I reflect on where I have been. I meditate on where God has brought me from. Closer today than I was yesterday. More free than I have ever been in my life. At a place in my life where I can openly admit the struggle and the fight I have been in since I was 18 and decided I didn't want this for my life. I am now 27 wanting to settle down, and establish a family in the near future. I have heard it so many times said, that if you are dealing with porn, you are not fit to start a family. I have believed that for such a long time....

BUT....

I now am in a place to say...FUCK THAT!!!!

I will not let my past define me. I will not let the challenges set me back! I am who God says I am. I AM VICTORIOUS! I AM FORGIVEN! I AM HEALED!

As I spend time with God, I realize the issue is no longer about porn. It is simply about understanding the righteousness He has given me and learning how to operate in it. For so long I have been operating out of the wrong operating system and it has been screwing everything. He redefined my operating system and I see more victories than I do failures. I live in more freedom than I have even known in my life. For that I am extremely grateful.

Remember that vendetta I was talking about?

Yes I want to absolutely obliterate this thing from the face of the universe.

Why?

Men and women I love have been victims of this industry.
Those I love and care about have been kidnapped and forced into the industry.
Some I know personally have been rescued from the industry.

The scars that it has left these people with...can never really be accurately described.

Even more so...I never want my children to have to suffer the way I have suffered, and the way I have caused others to suffer because of this industry and its lure.

I don't want to have to see my nephews go through the pain, the shame, the disgrace, the guilt that I had to go through. They deserve better than that.

Yet, for those who are struggling...who feel trapped...who have no one to talk to...who want to be free...I will always have a soft spot for them. Because...I know as a young man what it feels like to have your hope, joy, passion, and freedom stripped from you.

I think of those who are my little brothers in the faith, who have confided in me. The weight of the pain they carry.

THIS MUST STOP!

And I say it STARTS with ME!

Warning: Raw with Colorful Language

So I know I have the porn series I am working on, I have not forgotten. Yet, I am quite pissed right now so I thought I would simply do an angry free write and see where it takes me.

It's about to go down!

People need to get there fucking heads out of there asses. My life and all of its contents are not subject to the bitch fits that are being thrown. It is starting to get more than just a bit annoying having to deal with all of the bull shit. If people would actually get that grimy waxy build up out of there ears and actually take the time to listen, they might be surprised at what they could learn.

I mean seriously. THE FUCK!!! Even now, I am finding that I am censoring all of what is going through my head to at least present something that is palatable. However, the more I do that, the more the pressure increases.

In a moment of sheer honesty...there are very FEW people I actually trust in this world or the next. Scratch that...there are FEW people I actually trust with the inner workings of my heart in this world. At the moment I am quite fine with that. I am finding that most people don't even deserve the privilege. I have had much practical experience in my life that sharing my heart ultimately leads to pain, misunderstanding, and a ton of abuse.

Yes, I have had more than my fair share of abuse. I have learned to simply keep my heart, my emotions, and feelings...the deep ones...to myself where no one else has access. It is no surprise that I was suicidal for years of my life. It isn't far fetched to believe how much I longed to die and how often I would pray never to wake up again. Death often was more of a place of comfort than of pain.

These are some of my more well...read them and you will get the gist of it.

Cutting Ties 

The Unseen Me

Self Medicate 

Ending It All 

Can You Feel Me Now

I am super irritated right now. More than irritated I am hurt. Because the cycle continues. I get that I am a bit backwards when it comes to finally feeling comfortable with people. I get that its odd that when I am actually comfortable with a person I don't talk with them as much. Yet, the depth of when we do talk always goes to a very deep place. What hurts me is when I get told bullshit like...you just don't care like I do. When people do that I honestly just want to say "FUCK YOU". Of course I don't care like you do...I am NOT YOU! I care like ME! A place that YOU will never understand cause news flash...YOU AREN'T ME!

My heart is deeper than the bottomless pit and holds all of eternity. What could you possibly know about the depth of the pain, the hurt, the frustration, the passion, the hope, the faith, the joy, the love that I carry within me? Yet, on more than one occasion I am judged...I am told painful, gut wrenching...spirit killing things. Makes it really hard to cherish anything that anyone else gives as a consolation.

Guys, I make so many mistakes, hurt so many people...I get it. I am sorry. No matter how good my intentions are people still get hurt. All I can do is apologize. I AM SORRY! I get that sorry doesn't take the pain away. I get that there are a lot of things that just are not fixed by an apology. Trust gets broken with reckless actions. I get it. Even so, where is the grace? Where is the compassion? I just don't get it...

I am so tired of being blamed for others bullshit. I have enough of my own bullshit that I have to deal with. I have enough condemnation, shame, and frustration I deal with on a daily basis. I don't need anyone else to pile their shit on top of me. I have a ton of my own issues that I have to deal with. I can't keep wiping bratty baby asses or clean up all of the vomit.

If grace and forbearance are what we are supposed to show one another...CAN I GET SOME? Can I get some of the type of grace that takes into consideration all that is going on? The type that asks me whats really going on? The type that doesn't get upset and frustrated when I fall short? The type that works with me? The type that encourages me to go beyond what I can see? The kind that will just sit with me while I feel miserable and frustrated? The type that says hey...I got your back...you don't have to tell me exactly is going on, just know I got you.

I feel like even that is too much to ask for.

I feel like that type of heart is expected of me, yet not something that I should receive.

No, not everyone treats me in the above manner. Its just the ones that do...fuck it up for everyone else. Its hard for me to trust any more. I am surprised I even trust that God is even good. With all the shit I have been seeing and experiencing. I am glad that is one thing that I am for sure on. I am glad through it all...at least that relationship is thriving. That He gets me. That He understands. That He cares. That He just sits with me when I feel like crap. Even though I never know how to really receive from Him...at least He is patient with me...He walks me through it all.

You Love Me

When its all said and done, I know how sensitive and emotional I am. I realize just how much I have stored up...how much of a beating I have taken. Taking in deep breaths I simply fight to hold back my own tears. For so many years I have not given myself permission to cry. To this day, it is very rare for my to cry on my own outside of God just doing something huge in our time together.

I will get over that one day...

BUT...

That day just isn't today.