My Thoughts Concerning Being Prophetic

I was thinking about bringing out an old blog and just posting as is, but then felt that I should update and add the lessons I have learned this past year. This post is a compilation of a few years of growth. The plain text is where I was at when I first started this journey, and the italic print is what I have learned over the last year. Hopefully this will serve to bring more understand as to where I have come from and what God is doing in me currently.

I was born with a prophetic gifting that, until recent months, I had grown to hate. It wasn’t that the gift didn’t work, but rather it worked too well. I have come to believe that our greatest gifts and talents can also become our greatest hindrance and curse. It is not that the gift is bad or functions in a negative way. It has more to do with the perspective of the one using the gift and the consequences (both positive and negative) that come from using it. In my case, it was a curse because there was little understanding concerning prophetic utterances. I only understood I could see things others couldn’t. I understood things that I had no business understanding. I had wisdom on topics that a second grader should not have known about. I had more discernment than I knew what to do with. Yet, the gift was treated as a cancer to be treated and cured. I was the sickly person that had to be kept at arm’s length because what I had somehow would contaminate others. I was never the guy people wanted around when secrets were being laid bare. I was also the guy no one wanted around when people wanted to start spouting bullshit. Before I had realized it, I had developed a nose for sniffing out the truth. Even as I recount this I realize I have many gifts that I have simply not exercised in such a long time because of the trauma…rather because of the blame I have placed on my gifts.

  

Even after a year of growth, I find this is still true concerning certain ways that I see my gifts work. I have continued to struggle in the area of giving directional prophetic words, because of the stigma that has been gained due to bad teaching and shallow understandings. Many times I have been prompted to give words concerning direction, but I have hesitated in giving such words. There is a level of fear that I deal with concerning the accuracy of such words and how often times they can be perceived in a negative way. This is also true when it comes to the area of dream interpretation. Though I know I have the ability to do it, I never branch out to grow in it because it feels like much of an enigma with too many loose ends. Even though there have been many negative points through this year journey, I have found encouragement as I have overcome many of these painful perspectives.

As a prophetic person, experiences have shaped the way I view my gifts and understand the workings of the Lord. It really doesn’t help when your view of the Lord is based upon the people that he has sent to minister to you, but have single handedly torn down every shred of identity that you thought you had. No, this is not me bashing on the people. If anything I am grateful for the presence of those who tore me down. It has caused a lot to begin to transpire in my life currently. However, I do want to highlight the power of the words that we so carelessly speak to one another. I am convinced that many of us still vastly underestimate the power of the words that we use towards one another in passing. We often do not give credence to what is being said. We typically say the first thing that pops into our minds without asking if it will build a person up or will it tear them down. At times we are unaware that we attach ourselves to the words of others or rather, those words begin to attach themselves to us trying to become a part of our being. First the thoughts tend to bounce off of us as we shrug them off. They then start to sting as they begin to chip away at the walls of confidence we had erected. Slowly but surely the essence of these words, slip through the cracks in our confidence slowly but surely sabotaging the confidence we once had. Before we know it the essence of the foul words spoken to us, become the launching point of our identity. Much like an evil king conquering vast lands, these lies begin to take over the kingdom within and subject it to abuse and a foreign culture; all liberty and freedom snuffed out.

What a difference a year can make! After seeing the devastation of thoughtless words, I have begun to see what happens when finely crafted words are used to bring healing to the broken. Nothing can really prepare you for seeing the miraculous happen as a result of a word from the Lord being spoken right on time. No one can prepare you for what happens when words go forth than bring healing to a heart, soul, and spirit. Nothing can prepare you for encountering the presence of Jesus busting down the defenses and he simply says, “I LOVE YOU!” Nothing you can ever do will prepare you for the moments when your gifting is used to set someone free from years of bondage. Yet, it makes the years of pain, frustration, sadness, and anger worth it. That is what this year has wrought for me. I have begun to be on the receiving end of the blessings that occur when words are used properly, when the prophetic is used the way God had intended it. When words are full of grace, saturated in love, and delivered in gentleness, the power released is inexplicable. I have witnessed hearts heal in ways I just cannot explain as a result of learning how to speak the way Jesus speaks to me. Funny, seeing as the greatest command I know of is that we love others as Christ has loved us. I think it becomes so important to give to others what Jesus has first given to us. That love, that tenderness, it makes life so much more bearable, and his words…they are sweet like honey and are more satisfying than anything you could imagine.

My time journeying has brought me face to face with a kingdom in the midst of rebellion. That ol’ crafty dictator has managed to stir me up in such a way that I have sounded the TRUMPET for freedom.  He once had power and control, but everything is shifting. The very foundations of his empire are feeling the reverberations of the sound of freedom. My inner voice…the sound of the resistance cries…NO MORE!!! WE SHALL BE FREE!!!

2015 is a big year for seeing freedom manifest in our lives. I have seen chains being severed from people, by angelic host. I have seen people being given keys for which to unlock their bonds. I have heard the Lord say, “Those who want me will most assuredly find me. Those who are trying to look away will have a hard time because I am burning brightly. I am going to Love the hell out of them to such a degree that changes will happen no matter what. The BRIDE will know how PASSIONATELY IN LOVE WITH HER I AM!” We are in a time where people are going to be getting set up by God to experience his LOVE and KINDNESS towards them. Favor is being dispensed like never before and people are about to uncover gems of revelation that they had been seeking for years. This is a year of celebration and getting to know God as the intimate Lover he is! The sounds of freedom are ringing in the Heaven. FREEDOM IS CALLING!!!

This all brings me to a place where I am face to face with the trauma of the past. The memories of the people, places, and things that were used to cut me deeply are what I am now facing head on. Sometimes I wonder what was I even thinking, letting go of all that I had been given. Then I realize, I was bullied, picked on, mistreated, and fed lies from the day my gifts began to surface. See the most significant voices in my life at the time, were the very ones that helped destroy me from the inside out. Were they purposely trying to do it? No, absolutely not. Most of them were trying the best they could to look out for me. They were doing the best they could with the knowledge they possessed. So I do not fault them. Yet, I am at a place in life where that does not change the fact that the trauma was inflicted. As well-meaning as they were…friendly fire happened and I became the unintentional target. No matter how many times they may apologize it will NEVER take back the pain, hurt, tears, and frustration that were caused. They cannot make up for the sleepless nights they caused. Do I blame them no, but I do acknowledge what was done to me. I am brave enough to say that what was done was not okay. I openly forgive those who hurt me. They honestly didn’t know what they were doing. But, I am unwilling to brush over this stuff anymore because it really did affect me.

Fragments are what I have learned to call these memories and traumatic experiences. I have also learned that most people have these in place. I have also realized that these are safety mechanisms that have worked to keep our souls safe from damage due to these memories and experiences. When we are young we are not able to bear the load caused by such experiences. As a result part of our soul fragments to envelop the experience safely shielding us from the impact of the trauma. However, because the fragment is disconnected from the whole, it stops its development much like a branch broken away from a tree. However, since the fragment never dies, it tends to respond to like experiences years down the road. I have spent most of the last year dealing with many of my own fragments and the effects of them. It is hard because you often come face to face with experiences that have long been forgotten. Yet, as I have walked through these things, I have begun to realize that fragments can be healed. The soul as a whole can be healed. Our identity can at times be veiled because of these fragments. As we deal with them, we come into a better understanding of who we are and who God created us to be.

In the place of forgiving those that have hurt me, I also must begin the processes of forgiving myself. The shame, guilt, and pain run deep. In so many ways I still blame myself for so much. These last few years have taught me a lot about personal responsibility and owning up to my own foolishness. I have begun to recognize that before I even became a teenager I began blaming myself for things that were out of my control, but also for things that I was blaming others for. I held myself as a horrible person because I kept blaming others. Even after understanding how to stop blaming others, I continued to condemn myself. It is an absolute horrible place to live let me tell you. Yet, that is what was comfortable for me…a place I could withdraw to. I subconsciously started to live in a place where performance was the most important thing. I had become the harsh judge that would scrutinize over every misstep. I could never get over the lies that fueled the cycle of performance because I was under the spell of the lies that had been spoken over me by others for so long. I was headlong in a whirlpool of lies, guilt, condemnation, and shame. However, here is where the story takes a turn.

Forgiveness is the key to learning how to walk with God in a deep place. We MUST begin understanding his forgiveness for us, and in turn learning to forgive others. This is one of the biggest keys to relationship with God. Another key I have found is learning to trust God. Walking with God is not the easiest thing in the world because of the various blockages we have in our perspectives. If I were to summarize it, I would say that relating to God is like relating to your best friend. You don’t have to try hard to impress your best friend. They are your best friend for a reason. Through the good, the bad, the ugly, and the downright hysterical, they are there for you. They love you as you are and choose to walk with you because you are simply yourself. The expectation is to walk together through life not for what you can do for the other but because you just like that person. That is how I see learning to trust and walk with God. It isn’t about what I can bring to the table it’s about learning how to relate to Him. He is not worried about me impressing Him. There really isn’t anything I can do, that will impress Him anyways. It is at the point when I stopped trying to impress him that I began to realize something. HE LIKED ME! Not for what I could do, but because of who I was to Him. Learning this reality, has helped me learn to trust and walk with Him. Not because of the things that he can do, but because He is amazing. His forgiveness wasn’t something that I had to work for. It was always extended towards me. In seeing this reality, I realized forgiving others wasn’t about a decision to forgive them, it was a heart posture that said, hey I like you, and not matter what you do my heart will not change towards you. My forgiveness is a done deal on my side, and something freely extended to you without condition, without expectation. God forgave me without me ever first apologizing to Him. My apology didn’t make God forgive me. His forgiveness was towards me was never dependent on my ability to ask for it. It was a choice he made without my permission. This is the largest lesson I have learned this year. Forgiveness isn’t given because someone comes to apologize. Forgiveness a heart posture that is not dependent on the perpetrator. God is a lot better than I ever could have imagined.

My gifts are starting to come alive again. Not because I am trying to get them to come alive. I honestly believe it’s because I am learning to walk with Jesus without having to try to impress HIM or anyone else. I am learning to love as he loves, forgive as he forgives, and walk as he walks. It is an amazing journey.

What If This Were True?

At times I simply stare wide eyed in wonder. Am I living life or is life living me? Is this first person or third person? I look at my palms, almost staring through them. What is real? The texture of my skin, the feel of the hot air around me, is it real or is it a figment of my imagination? Is this nothing more than a construct of the walls my imagination creates or is this all there is? Let me back up for a second. I see these thoughts can be quite confusing without proper context. 

See, in the deepest reaches of my being, are the faintest glimmers of mystical experience that can only be described as other worldly. Sparkles of brilliance amongst the mass of darkness, the backdrop from which illumination and radiance begin to shine. This is my own inner darkness, depression, and depravity. Rather, my self-imposed darkness, depression, and depravity. Though the cloak of this living darkness seeks to suffocate all sparks of life, I find myself amazed at the resilience of ideas, dreams, hopes, and wants that seem to be immortal and unconquerable.

See there is a silly notion that runs rampant. No matter how many times society, family, friends, religion try to assassinate it, the eternal entity, this dream continues to live on. It has faced the electric chair, the firing squad, the gas chamber, lethal injection, decapitation, the noose, even being drowned. Yet, like a phoenix it is reborn each time with new intensity always engulfed in flames. My eyes cannot forget what has already been seen. No matter how much I fight, I am overcome by the urge to be my own superhero. No cape, not tights, or spandex, yet these abilities and ideas that overcome every barrier known to man.

As I awaken from my slumber, a question begins to haunt me. WHO….AM….I? From the darkness arise those small but intense radiant lights. Piece by piece these lights fragments begin forming an essence, an entity, not yet to have been seen by the world around it. They pulse with light, yet are being arranged in phenomenal detail. What or rather WHO is this? Are we in first person or are we in third person. Am I viewing me or am I viewing someone else?

I would swear I was seeing a musically themed super hero. He vibrated and resonated sound. He carried around a guitar, played the drums, loved by all, able to tap into a realm all his own and create sounds that would unlock the emotional heartbeat of all he came in contact with. He was charming, full of charisma, gentle, and full of wisdom. Mild mannered was his nature, full or hospitality, and wit. His persona was larger than life, full of joy. He is one that wants to share gifts with all he encounters. Humble and thoroughly loving, that is who this man is.

 However, when I changed perspective and looked at him again, I was amazed. He was a fighter. He had punches and kicks that could dominate any man on the planet. He was like fire. Once ignited, he was quite hard to control. He is full of passion and a sense of loving justice. His determination was one that could not be moved or budged. He was loved by all because of the intentionality of his ways. He was honest beyond anything anyone had ever seen. Truly this must have been the true form of the entity that was being made.

As I was lost in my thoughts, the light refracted causing me to be drawn in. What I was seeing was nothing like the other men I had seen. This one, he is refined, scholarly, a gentleman par excellent. The air around him was noble, refined, without a hint of arrogance or narcissism. His mere presence invited those around him into a higher place of being. He caused the dreams within people to awaken and begin to bloom. He was all about others and maximizing ones potential for the benefit of the world around. This man smelled of selflessness, a fragrance of pure intoxication.

Just when I thought I had seen everything this being had to offer, I was again surprised as I witnessed a vast new horizon. I was in the presence of a sage. His wisdom, knowledge, and understanding of the laws governing the world around were second to none. He was well learned but had such experience to back him up. It was a rare mixture which caused his words to hit home with force. As he spoke I realized though he had many answers, it was not the place he derived his essence from. I could tell he had more questions than I could fathom at this point. His questions fueled his desire to continue learning and understanding life. Though he looked relatively young, I understood that he had been around for eons.  He would continue even after most of the world as I knew it had passed away.

As overwhelming as all of this was, I shaken to full attention as a hand grasped my shoulder. I turned around and there was the entity well rather it felt like the entity but rather than being formed it was moving as if it were already alive.  As I looked I was undone. Of everything I had just written down and pondered, I was met face to face with a being that transcended my physical sense forcefully but gently bringing me into a space that had previously been hidden to the human eye. Call it supernatural, metaphysical, eternal, those words are only able to scratch the surface of where I was thrust into. As I looked at this person, I realized he is the sage, the musician, the gentleman, and the fighter. They are mere facets of his eternal being…my eternal being.  Gazing into His eyes I saw myself. He is Me, and I am Him. However, he was not finished, as I watched this surreal even unfold, He began to create. The artistry, the creativity, the innovation, and innocence, brought me to tears. I could hear the symphony as he sculpted. I heard the poetry as he painted. I could see the cinema sequence as he choreographed. Though it made no cognitive sense, my whole being felt as if this is exactly what I have been looking for all my life.

All at once I was again alone in my room. Left to ponder the mystery of what lies within me. Again to fight a voice that tells me there is nothing to like about myself. There is nothing to love…nothing worthwhile.

But…

This time…

I am not alone.

God Is Good: Stop Blaming Him for Things People Screw Up

It is interesting to go to church and actually have Jesus meet you there. The fact that he was elated to see me also floored me.  I have been so pissed off at Jesus for last few months because of some issues that have been plaguing my heart. I have been blaming God for some majorly awesome things that have gotten ruined because of human stupidity. Please bear in mind, that I do not subscribe to the idea of God’s Sovereignty in the way that many describe it as being. I do not believe that God has created us and the world as miniature puppets that he micromanages. When he gave us free will, I truly believe that it was given to us in totality, meaning that we have the ability to screw up the great opportunities that God will place in front of us. I believe that he always has our good in mind and orchestrates wonderful things for us ALL the time, not just some of the time. And I believe that I should expect great things from Him because He has always proved faithful in that area; which brings me to a few statements that are going to be hard for some to hear. First being, what God has for you is for you, and you can royally screw it up because of stupidity. Second being, if we are devastated by the things that don’t work out the way we thought they should have, maybe we should consider if we have put our faith in something OTHER than Jesus. Lastly, God is not to blame when others choose to act foolishly and we get hurt in the process. God gave us all the ability to choose…EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. God is not to blame for tragedies that happen, or situations that get out of hand.

I will be the first to admit, God was the first person I blamed after getting fired from the job that he told me he was giving me. Simply put, things didn’t work out the way I had anticipated. I have NEVER EVER been fired from a job, so this felt absolutely shitty. Not to mention for some odd reason I felt as if the conditions for which I was fired were a breach of my ‘contract’ with the whole God being good thing. I put contract in quotes because I realize that is a major place of stinky thinking that has really been a huge factor in this whole ordeal. Nevertheless, I was absolutely pissed off. My fault, God’s fault, or their fault, I had gotten hurt massively. There were many thoughtless accusations thrown out but not as devastating as being accused of sleeping with one of the kids I was taking care of. In my bitter hurt, I blamed God for being the sole cause of the wrong I suffered. It has taken a few months, but after talking with one of my closest friends, I realized that God had become my scapegoat for my pain, not because He did anything wrong, but because we tend to lash out at those closest to us, blaming them for things that they never did. I had no one to lash out against because of the hurt. I sunk into a deep pit of depression and God well he was the asshole that I never wanted to talk to again. I mean how could he do that to me. Take me all the way to Texas just to allow this to happen? Was he trying to teach me something…? If so…that’s all kinds of abusive. Gone were the ideas of God’s goodness. They had been replaced with the idea that God was an abusive Father.  Even though I could definitely talk about how God was good all the time and had a theology centered on such a thing…my heart had been seared, Jesus was an asshole that I wanted nothing to do with. Why you ask? Because he let something so devastating happen to his kid.

Let me just put this out there; I do not think Jesus is an asshole, that was my hurt speaking. That was pain speaking that had no answers. I booked a trip to Oregon to visit my best friend. I knew the trip was going to be an awesome get away something that I needed, but something that I could bless her with as well. The Sunday right before Memorial Day, we got into a conversation about our hurts really beginning to sort out some major frustrations. In the middle of our talk, we both realized as if coming out of a foggy haze that God did not control the stupidity of those we are in relationship with. He doesn’t make their decisions for them. He always brings awesome opportunities to bless his kids; what they do with those blessings really is up to them. As I stated at the beginning of the blog, people have the ability to screw up the blessings that are brought into their lives because of stupidity. When that happens, it isn’t God’s will OR God’s fault. God is not abusive nor is he an asshole who wants to set his children up for failure. Yet, that is what religion subtly feeds us. If things do not happen the way in which perceive they should or something erratic happens, then the outcome was obviously God’s will, and we should not get upset or try to rectify the situation.

 I call BULLSHIT! I find this to be especially true when it comes to things involving interpersonal relationships. God isn’t playing a cosmic game of chess against himself, so I cannot sit here and believe that he is controlling someone else’ response to me or to a situation that involves me. I cannot sit here and believe that when God blesses us there are always strings attached.  I don’t think that when God invited me out to Texas saying that He had a job already waiting out there for me, that he was secretly thinking, “Alright guys, how can we royally screw Cordell over? How can we get his hopes up and then watch them crumble? I wonder….” I am pretty sure when He invited me out there; he was looking at the best possible scenario. One that factored in my growth in knowing him, in learning to love people, and causing my hope to continue to grow. I am not going to sit here and think that this was the BEST possible scenario, or what He had in mind for me when I went out there. I do think that because of the way things have turned out, he has been ever influential in working all things together for my good.

See, I am starting to realize that I got screwed over by PEOPLE not by God. See God never once slandered me, called me out of my name, picked on me, or lied to me. Actually in pretty much all circumstances He was the only one to give me a heads up as to what was going on behind the scenes. In fact it was Him that was always calming me down when I was frustrated with the treatment of other staff and kids that I was seeing. He was ever present, presenting strategies and ideas on how to love people even better. I do not like playing the blame game; however, I want to paint this picture as best as I can. The fact of the matter is that God was not at fault in any of this. I personally was only in control of how I responded to things. My getting fired was OUT of my control and it was the decision of others. See, my employers, at one point saw me as a blessing. Sadly, they did not understand how to treat the blessing that they had received. They made poor decisions which directly impacted me. But, that is what happens when you are in relationship with other people. God can hit you with a perfect setup pass, and the shot taken can be epically missed. This happens more often than we care to realize. Relationships are two way streets that can be messed up by either party even when you have Jesus at the center. Even when Jesus is trying to set up lovers, the lovers can screw up big time. I think it’s high time that I take Jesus off the hook. He always sets things up awesomely. It is not His fault if I fail to take the shot he set up for me, or if I miss the shot, or if the other person gets the pass and decides to let it go to the other team. I think it’s time to start taking responsibility for the things that we are capable of doing.

No it is not God’s will for people to be hurt, sick, frustrated, and miserable or anything like that. That is my stance. He has made all provision for us to be successful with what we have. However, choosing to be responsible for the things given to us is something altogether different. Many would like to sit around and point the finger, blame God, and the like, but is it really God’s fault? The conclusion of the matter is this for me. My previous employers made a stupid decision in getting rid of me. If they only could have realized what they had, but it is too late now. Now someone else is going to benefit greatly from my expertise and knowledge. They let go of something amazing that God had sent to them. Ah well, their loss not mine. I have better things in front of me. No looking back.

I leave you with this…what are you still blaming God for? Is it time for you stop blaming Him? Is it time for you to own your responsibility? Is it time for you to maybe give God a fair chance? Maybe you will find out that he is a lot more AWESOME than you ever realized. Maybe you will find out that he isn’t anything like what people have made Him out to be. Maybe you will find the freedom to ask the questions that people are afraid to ask. My hope is that you find the strength to pick yourself up and continue moving forward.

Fellowship, Tithing, and Going to Church: My Frustrations with Modern Day Christianity

I cannot promise that this will end up being a short post. As you might have figured, frustration is what is fueling this post. Well, in all honesty, the frustration has died off a bit. My mind is much clearer so I can put together coherent thoughts that will more accurately convey what I am observing.

Fellowship, tithing, and going to church, are ideas that have been brought up frequently in the last month. Through many of these conversations, it has been made clear that there seems to be a grave misunderstanding with the use of such phrases. Within many of the circles I have been a part of, these words share a distinct relationship. Growing in a Christian house hold…we went to church to fellowship and pay our tithes. This would be a valid summary of what many other people have grown up under. However, this understanding of things is what causes such a dependence and obligation to religious system. What this spells out is RELIGIOUS DUTY AND OBLIGATION. If you do not perform…well…you miss out on the blessings that God has for you.

Recently, I did a bible study with close friends and we decided that the best topic to cover would be the idea of fellowship. Most if not all who were present for the study are what I would call church escapees or rebels. All of us have grown up within the confines of a shallow and narrow understanding of why we are “supposed” to go to church. All of us had the same scripture quote pop in our heads. “Do not forsake the assembling of yourselves,” is what popped into each one of our minds. This has been the most “crippling” proof text about why we have to be “in” church. In my snarkiness I decided to raise the question…, “Doesn't this count for assembling ourselves?” There was a small pause, but it was a unanimous decision. What we were doing constituted a “church” gathering…what’s more is that we were breaking bread together…OH MY GOODNESS we were being BIBLICAL?!?! You mean to tell me, we were being scripturally accurate without actually going to a “church”.  What’s more we were delving into things at what I would say was a higher level and more importantly, we were getting to know one another more intimately.

It was at that point that we realized true fellowship was happening. We were being intentional about being in each other’s lives, heading towards a common goal, from a common denominator. At someone some asked the question, “Does fellowship actually really happen at church?” We all looked at each other for a moment, before we all started laughing. Apparently there was an understanding that though we grew up in church, fellowship like we were experiencing currently NEVER had happened while we were doing our Sunday morning duties. Fellowship typically happened outside of the church setting, and found its home in the normal day to day things of life. We understood that fellowship requires intentionality and does not happen at an intimate place without that intentionality. Am I saying don’t go to church? Absolutely not! I am saying that if you are going to church for fellowship…you are probably not going to miss it.

I mean really…from what I have noticed church fellowship is akin to going to high school. Got your introductory things to wake you up, then got your announcements, got a few activities that involve others, then you are in your seat listening to the professor talk at you for a good 30 minutes to an hour. Then we are let out of our seats to go home. On the way home, we may see a few of our friends and others we haven’t seen in a while. We will put on a smile, exchange some small talk, grab our families and head of to watch the game, get dinner, or sleep. In what part of that has fellowship actually occurred? At what part have we invested in relationship? Yes we invested vertically, but have we invested horizontally? UH…probably not. Also, when I talk about fellowship words like partnership and participation help to clarify what I mean. Fellowship in my understanding means that we are becoming partners in each other’s lives, actively participating in the growth development and furthering of our lives as individuals as well as the moving forward of the Kingdom we say we are a part of.

Then another interesting thought came to mind, how do we actually begin to invest I the lives of those we are in fellowship with? That is where the monkey wrench of TITHING came into the picture. I am just going to say this right now…I do not believe in tithing PERIOD. I think tithing is so below the standard of Kingdom living, that it ought to be illegal. Yes, I admit I have strong feelings concerning this. However, my opinion is not without merit. Does anyone know what the TITHE actually is? If you are saying that it is 10% of your income…you are actually WRONG! VERY WRONG! My buddy Nathan wrote an excellent blog concerning this topic. Many people are ignorant concerning what the tithe is and what is was actually supposed to be used for. As such many put themselves in an unfavorable position because they are missing out on some major spiritual principles and things they are not legally bound too since they are not Jews. Secondly, they are functioning way under the Kingdom standard because it is based upon an inferior and NOW obsolete covenant. I will detail what I mean concerning that in another blog. There are major differences between the Old Covenant and the New Covenant. The most major difference being that the compulsion we were under to carry out certain deeds was rendered impotent when the New Covenant of God’s grace was given. We now do things out of our heart not out of obligation.

So then what do you do with all that extra cash that’s lying around? GIVE IT AWAY CHEERFULLY. See the tithe was a mandatory thing. Now, we have the opportunity to give it away freely, cheerfully, and abundantly. We are not put in a place of responsibility to give based upon how we actually see God and understand Him. It really is an exercise of our heart more than it is a test of our obedience. Do we believe that God really functions from abundance and loves funneling that abundance through us…or do we believe he functions from a budget? Giving frees us up to give without restriction. Rather than simply doing our duty to give 10% of our produce and livestock, we are no able to give EVEN MORE! See God’s kids should be known to be the most GENEROUS, LOVING, GRACIOUS, and KIND people, on the face of the planet.  However, is that what people really see?

Here in lies my frustration with going to “church” and dealing with Christianity as a whole. I really love people. I absolutely love seeing people living in freedom. I love seeing they eyes of people light up as truth begins to shatter the coke bottle lenses they had been forced to wear for so long. I love watching people drunkenly come to the reality that they are free from condemnation and shame. Even better as I see people take their chains and burn them, then find another to help them do the same thing. Do I want to see things change? YES! Yet, for the church to change…those who run the churches are going to have to realize that they are no different from any of the other sheep within their congregations. There is only one shepherd. His name is Jesus. The rest of us are HIS sheep. One thing I would not is this…Pastors, Prophets, Apostles, Evangelist, Teacher’s, if you are claiming to be a part of the five-fold ministry team…you are at best a bell-sheep. You will NEVER be the shepherd. There is a story concerning the wayward lamb that becomes the bell sheep. However, being a bell sheep in the way that I am using it requires intimacy and transparency with the shepherd. It is time spent with the shepherd but never forgetting the relationship. Though a bell sheep, you are still a sheep. You are no different than any other sheep of the flock. Never forget that. The playing field is level across the board. We must learn to lead among rather than leading from a position. The mentality of who will be the greatest in the Kingdom is a HUGE problem within the church. We have forgotten the words of Christ. The greatest among you will be the servant of all.

A person I know typically gets mad at me for sharing things like this because they see it as easy to diagnose the problem. They always ask me so what are you going to do about the problem. People perish for lack of knowledge. So the first thing is bring this stuff to the light. Secondly, invest intimately and actually cultivate meaningful relationships that challenge the status quo in the church. Empower people to ask question. Help people find the confidence to challenge norms. Remind people to take the tape off of their mouths. It is time for the conversation to go from a whisper to a passionate plea.

Here is a link to my buddy Nathan's Blog concerning tithing.

 http://www.benotcommon.com/tithingvsgiving.html

An Honest Look Under The Hood: Part 2

On the other side of all of this comes the reality of dealing with the core of who we are. It shouldn’t come as a shock to find out most of us are uncomfortable admitting or even looking at who we are. As frightening as this feels, hopefully I can shed light on myself, so that it might give the tools to help shed light on who you are. I feel as if I should say this as a disclaimer…this post is not in any way a self-righteous look at me post, but a rather sober assessment of where I am and the things that I have uncovered over the years.

Who do I say I am? This is a question I have had to ponder for quite a while. Amongst the varying degrees of false pretense and facades, I have found it difficult to get to the core of this question. Who I am is not simply found in what I do, but what I do is intimately found in who I am. It has been a process of going backwards through what I do to figure out who I am. To say I am a drummer, a writer, an athlete, or even a personal trainer would only be partial truths as those are things I do, not necessarily the core of who I am. I am not a teacher, a pastor, evangelist, prophet, or apostle as my core identity, yet many of those things stem from the core of who I am.  I mean this is really confusing because I really do not even understand who I am myself. I am not even sure how I have defined myself all of these years. Just getting out of the mentality of what I do being who I am has been the toughest transition of my life. At this moment, the only thing I know is that I am Cordell Jackson Winrow. I am a mix of wise craziness. I am artistic, creative, and passionate. Though only a part of the whole, it is where I am right now.

Who do they say I am? My friend and others around me have affectionately called me ‘Yoda’, ‘Mentor’, ‘Sage’, ‘Wise Guy’, ‘Crazy Man’, ‘Freak’, ‘Drummer Boy’, ‘Athlete’, ‘Writer’…and a few other things. Put succinctly, it a mixed bag when it comes to the things I have heard others call me and treat me as. To put it nicely even though many won’t say it out right I am treated as a problem fixer or a pillar to lean upon. They see me dependable and rely on me for help when a crisis arises. It sucks to even have to think about this, but the reality that I find is that my value and usefulness wears off with certain of my friends once the crisis has been averted OR things settle down. I am no longer a priority in their lives. It is more about what I can offer and not who I am. To the few close friends I have, I am an indispensable part of their lives. I cannot be replaced because my value stems from who I am to them, not what I do for them. I understand that this is a vast generalization and it comes nowhere close to being a comprehensive list of how people see me, but this is what I am aware of and what I have record of over the last 15 years of life.

I hesitate in even writing this portion of the blog because God pulls absolutely no punches. This section scares me because the sheer weight of honesty that defines this blog will be put to the test right here.

Who does God say I am? God scares me; let me be clear when I say this. His opinion of me is rather high and I have no idea why. First off…God says I am His. No if ands or buts about this. He has been rather clear that no matter what happens my identity is found in being His. Secondly, I am His son, made in his likeness, and image. We just get to magnify the issue here because not only am I HIS, but I am HIS SON. I cannot be disowned or thrown out. I am eternally part of the family. He says I am HOLY and RIGHTEOUS. Okay, I feel like I am verging on territory that I would rather not go, but I cannot deny that these are things He has spoken over me time and time again. I am in complete right standing, totally blameless, totally justified, completely pure, and holy in His sight. He says I am worthy and worthwhile. I am eternally valuable to Him and worth Him giving His all for me. If that isn’t absolutely scandalous I do not know what is. However, it gets better. He sees me as a success story, a prime example of what it looks like to succeed when others count you out. He says I am grace-filled, compassionate, kind, and loving, characteristics that I was born with and display wonderfully. He calls me a seer, one who sees the unseen. He says he gave me that ability because it matches my heart for people and the gifts that I have the help set people free from the places they are stuck in. It doesn’t stop there…and it makes me uncomfortable even acknowledging what I am about to say, but this is what He says about me so it is what it is. He continually says I am a prophet. Though I have no idea what that means in its fullness, I understand that my role and call in life is a bit interesting to say the least. However, more than all of these things…the most special thing I have come to hold to is the fact that he calls me friend. The innumerable times that He has thanked me for being such a good friend to Him, well, they are priceless. The fact that I have felt him weep because of his elation at my heart to care for him…has moved me many times. If I am to be honest, this is only a fraction of what he has to say about me, but the portion that I feel that he is speaking about right now. He is pretty emphatic right now about these things, but understandably. Though I am writing all of this, knowing what I am hearing from Him, it still so hard to believe that this and more is His heart towards me about me.

What keeps me from accepting what God says about me? I think it goes without question in saying that much of this is hard to accept because it seems too good to be true. Like I sometimes wonder, “God, are you sure you are talking about me?” Are you sure that you have the right guy? I mean look at all of these faults…no? What really keeps me from accepting what God has to say about me is a combination of the things that others have said about me and ways they have hurt me, and not really believing there is much good that lies within me. Both of which are catastrophic in the grand scheme of things. I have spent a good portion of my life under the delusion that people’s opinions of you really matter, and that you have to work to keep a great reputation otherwise all your struggles will be for not. It has created an unhealthy dependence on the approval of others rather than standing on what it is God is saying about me…mostly because people I can see…God I cannot. God I hear when alone…people I hear everywhere I go. This is what I consider very unhealthy. I know cognitively that God’s opinion is the one that should matter above all else, but for some reason it has yet to really make it down to my heart. I wonder at times if God is really as credible as people say He is. Again, I know the answer to that question is a resounding YES!!! I just do not know how to get myself to believe that at this point. It is a work in progress.

What holds me captive to what they say about me? This is probably the most revealing portion of this blog. I have spent most of my life under the impression that peoples’ opinions of me matter and that I need to work hard to make sure my reputation is spotless and clean. Doors are opened faster if your reputation precedes you. What I never knew is that it is a tireless hamster wheel that is problematic once you step foot on it. You are constantly working to win the approval of people who don’t matter, who most of the time could care less about you and are more worried about their image. Soon earnest conviction gives way to the facade of a fancy image. No longer does it matter what on the inside of a person because the external appeal has captivated the audience. At some point I was conditioned to think that it was that packaging that was important, not the content. At 28 years of age I am now dealing with the dismantling of this faulty way of thinking. Yet, the truth is, I have not overcome the dangers of people pleasing. I have spent considerable time as a yes man rather than sticking up for my own convictions much less what I know about God…or what he says about me. Shoot if I shared half of what God has said about me to other people…well I probably would have very few friends and being a hermit recluse. The thought of that frightens me terribly. I am not about trying to save my image now…since I have come to realize it doesn’t matter. I am simply trying to make sense of this tangled web so it can be incinerated once and for all. Though I only have begun to figure this out…the opinions of others are really powerless to get me where I want to be. Thus begins my journey of understanding God’s opinion and lining up with that.

Why do I feel like what I say about myself always waivers? I know that what I say about myself waivers because of my personal performance. I do not really understand how to give myself grace and allow who I am to manifest into the things that I do. So consequently what I do outwardly often time manipulates how I feel about myself. What I do has been large part in how I see myself. So the conflict has is understanding that who I am, is not what I do. Learning to reverse this understanding has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I also feel like I wavier because of the opinions of those that I care about. I often will take into account their perspectives even if they are not in alignment with what God says about me. Hearing things over and over again does a lot to solidify things as being a reality. My perception is that of what I see not necessarily what truly is. This is a thing that I am learning to overcome. Things aren’t always what they seem, even if it looks convincing.

What keeps me stuck from moving forward? This is probably the easiest question of the bunch to answer. I keep myself stuck. Plain and simple…the problem is me. The bigger problem or reality as it were is fear. I fear making a mistake that could ultimately cost me my future. This puts me in a place of paralysis and ultimately makes it so the future that I can conceive with the Lord never comes to fruition because action is never taken. It is a case of look, but don’t touch…or window shopping. See at this point in my life it is not about a better strategy or gaining more knowledge. It is simply about doing the things that need to be done to see the results that I want to see. Even in knowing all of this, I find it quite difficult to find the motivation and hope to move forward. These are the inner demons that I face because I know my future is worthwhile. This is also something that the Lord has been reminding me about. Simply doing what you know to do no matter how tedious it might seem. Success is not determined by luck…but hard work and willingness to do what others will not do.

So this is part 2 of the Honest Look Under The Hood series that I am working on. This is simply a series of questions that you can wrestle with on your own spare time to get to know what is going on inside of you. If you are non-religious then you can still tailor the questions to you and omit certain other ones. However, since I love Jesus these questions have been come foundational keys to work through as I go about understanding myself.

Here in lies a challenge I would present to those that read. Take time and answer these questions for yourself. If you feel bold enough please email me what you have uncovered about yourself. I am interested in how this is affecting others and would like to start a dialogue with those who read my blog.

Email me at: cordell.winrow@gmail.com

Invisible Scripts: The Lies That Have Governed My Life

Invisible Scripts

I got an email the other day that has really had me thinking about my life. I decided to take on the challenge and take some time to figure out the hidden thoughts (invisible scripts) that I have believed most of my life that have impeded my journey to success. It never ceases to amaze me the things that can be uncovered as you pursue truth. The beacon of light shines brilliant as it eradicates a living darkness that tries to hide.

“I don’t have the skills necessary to get the job done.” – Often I will disqualify myself before I even start because I read things and think to myself…well the job requires this and I do not have ANY experience in this field. Sure I am willing to learn, but often see those requirements as inflexible and rigid. I am a Kinesiology Major who wants to spend my time making music with very little knowledge with music other than being a drummer and knowing how to keep rhythm. I feel like I am often disqualified from things before I am able to give them a try. Internally this is my biggest fear.

 “I feel wrong charging people money for a service that I can provide for free.” – I was taught that it’s not okay to charge people for services. That if you can do something, it’s better to give it for free. People will often times respect you more and will ultimately see your character shine through. I was also raised with the mindset that it is better to give that to receive. I mean I know I have different skill sets which all are used to equip people but never felt like people would really pay me for my time so it would be easier to just give my time away for free to gain rapport.

“I am not the leader type, who would actually want to follow me.” – I have typically been more of a behind the scenes guy. I like to stay out of the limelight and just make things work. As of late I have noticed that people always are looking to me for direction and it freaks me out because I like to be hidden. I had been told over and over that I don’t really have what it takes to be a leader, and that I must learn to follow if I want to be a successful leader. Most of the examples of great leaders I have seen were all the types of people who had this great charisma or ability to win a person with words…which is not me. I have felt because I don’t have the look of a leader then how could I possibly be a leader.

“If I only had the money…then I could do what I really wanted to.” – For most of my life money has always been a limiting factor in being able to take risks. I have been talked out of doing more things because of “wisdom” and “caution”. So I have grown to have this understanding that if you do not have the money for what you want to do, it may not actually be a feasible course of action. For example, I am a drummer. I have been a drummer for the last 20+ years. However, for most of my life I have not had a drum set to actually do what I need to do to take this thing to the place I want to go. Because of the lack of resources, I haven’t been able to pursue my dream in taking more lessons, purchasing a drum set, playing gigs, just investing in music period. I have figured if I don’t have the money, it is pretty impossible for me to do what I really want to do.

“I am not really business oriented; it’s not my strong suit.” – I definitely want to be wealthy, but doesn't it take a person who has a business like mind to make that work. I have never been able to readily identify what I have to offer the world outside of my consultant/counseling skills. I mean I know how to teach things and what not, but how does that even benefit me making any kind of money. Because of things like this I feel stuck. I feel like the way I think often is the obstacle for me becoming successful.

 “I don’t think I am capable of doing the task.” – Again I disqualify myself from being able to do things because of the perception of things being inflexible and rigid. I have an ability to adapt to my surroundings, but feel more often than not that I do not have the capability to accomplish the task set before me.

“I am not as bulky or big, so it doesn't look like I know what I am talking about health and fitness wise.” – I have been in a place where people judge based upon appearances and not necessarily the skills that one carries. I am 5’4 and 115 lbs as a male athlete. People do not take me seriously because I do not look like a body builder. I don’t try because I do not feel that people will take me serious because of my size. I want to be taken seriously because of what I have to offer and not because of what I look like.

My Thoughts

All of this seems quite horrible, as I sit down and read what I have written, but I cannot deny that this is what is going on inside of me. This isn't the politically correct way of thinking, I am quite aware of the problems that this presents…but the reality of it all is that my life has been informed by many of these things. My best decisions filtered through these belief systems. Perspectives informed by crappy ways of thinking. I took some time to do this as an exercise in becoming more familiar with myself and the factors that have been hindering my own progress.

I remember years ago that this was a practice that I would use to identify when I was allowing fear to be the controlling factor in my life. As I am growing out here in Texas I am finding that these subroutines or scripts inform more than just what I am aware of. It has gotten to a place where I am able to hear these things faintly as I am contemplating decisions I must make. In the past they were quite transparent and hardly visible. Now a days they are about as subtle as an elephant trying to sneak through a room with fine china placed neatly on the floor. They make SO much noise. Yet, I never realized they were the reason I was not moving forward or progressing towards what had been burning on my heart.

As I walked through all of this I realized that liberation could only begin to renovate my internal reality, as I gave it the freedom to illuminate the darkened caverns of my being. Sadly, the thing that always tends to happen is that the darkness becomes visible and begins to create a stink as it wants to stay as the dominant power. That becomes the sight of a battleground of epic proportions as belief systems collide, one being uprooted and the other being planted. What is planted must be nurtured, watered, given sunlight, and protected. Simply planting a new belief system offers very little lasting change if it is not influenced and built up by those who speak life into it.

These invisible scripts as dangerous as they are, often carry with them more detailed information that what we understand. Going through these for myself, I was able to identify relationships, time periods, and specific incidents where these things were built and fortified…and ultimately why I bought into them for so long. At times I often would glance over these details, but now realize that they are important as forgiveness always needs to take place where hurt and offense has crept in. See the exercise that I went through was for starting up a business, but I saw in it so many principles that connect to this one area that it was hard for me not to begin to play a game of connect the dots. Past experiences inform out present realities…something being so deep rooted that we are often put into a cycle of doing certain things without ever realizing that we are stuck in a feedback loop. It is as I began to pause that I realized crap…I was doing the same thing over and over 

again expecting a different result which Einstein defined as insanity.

Here starts the transition into areas of freedom in my heart that I have yet to experience. It has been given to me, but now it’s time to explore the territory. Never an easy task, but it is one that is worthwhile if done right. As always, the fork in the road appears a bit sooner than I expected. Just another decision that needs to be made from a place of courage and faith rather that fear and anxiety.

So here comes the BOOM…yet again!

The Greatness of Individuality

Well its a super chilly day out here on the ranch, and finally I have some time to actually write. Okay, let make a more true statements...I finally have the time and the spark to write. I have had many opportunities before to write, but never had the inspiration or the words to type anything.

I have been in Texas for  23 days now, and what a ride it has been. For the first time in a long while I feel like I am home. This time in Texas has afforded me so many different experiences that I still do not understand how I haven't passed out and died due to the shock of everything.  Many who know me have heard about this move, the stress involved with it, and the overwhelming sense of adventure that has been brewing. Now here, I have yet to be disappointed. I have been recording audio notes so I can compile a better blog at a later date. For now I just want to expand on the things that God has really been teaching me through all of this.

I find it quite interesting that I have come full circle on the whole identity topic...rather a new facet of the topic is unfolding before my very eyes. HAHA...I am getting wrecked by Holy Spirit right now as I am writing this. I pray a blessing over you as you are reading this. Holy Spirit as you have been doing a work in my heart concerning how fearfully and wonderfully I am made I ask that you would take the reader straight into the Fathers heart and begin to speak to that place in them. Let them experience the love of the Father, Son, and yourself. Shaka!!! So as I am living here on this ranch, Dad consistently has been talking to me about how I have been made. We have had so many fights its ridiculous. In 23 days I have spent so many mornings venting to God, cussing God out in my heart, blaming Him for certain circumstances, even at one point out right saying I hate you soooooo much. Yet, even now I cannot escape the depths of how much He loves me and continues to pursue me. He is so good at being who He is. In these 23 days have have been loved in ways I never imagined. I have felt him in ways that simply blow my mind. I have seen Him do things that just make my tear up and weep. Even through all of my temper tantrum throwing, He has faithfully walked me through the rockiest parts of my heart. I love HIM so much.

Part of the frustration that I had been feeling had to do with not feeling like who I am as a person really is worth much. I know the proper "Christian" answer is that I am loved and that I am worth much. Yet, that has not been the reality in which I have been able to perceive things. Man, I have felt pretty damn low if I just may be so bold. Inadequate, that is another word I would have used to describe what I was feeling. Let me be the first to say this...comparisons are fucking stupid. Comparisons are the thing that have robbed me and many others of our sense of individuality and value. WHY??? Because we see someone else and what they are doing and begin to try to emulate what they are doing...never once considering that maybe....just maybe...the way we are doing things is perfectly fine.

THAT IS A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT!

It happens within family units, school systems, the business world...heck...the Church as well. This stuff kills. I have seen peoples spirits get assassinated by one well places or ill placed comparison (just depends on how you are looking at this). I have seen some of the most vile blood shed take place within the psyche of an individual as a result of a comparison. How do I know...well...I lived it. For the longest time I was compared to my older brother. He was the model student. His temperament was excellent, and he was very compliant. At that point in my life...he and I were polar opposites. I loathed and hated the people that made those comparisons...but even more so...I secretly hated him because unconsciously I was losing myself to actually become so much like him. See he was consistently praised, given awards, and told how wonderful he was. Me...not so much. I was starved for those things. To be honest, I think I spent most of my childhood subconsciously looking for his approval so I could go back to being myself (wow, this is revelation for me).

So what do you think that these 23 days has consisted of?

Ding Ding Ding!!!

You guessed it.

Dad has been affirming just how wonderful and unique I am. As I stated earlier I have been fighting with Dad about a lot concerning this because of how battered my heart has been. We have spent close to 5 years on this topic of identity. Never really deviating from it. It has been the single most talked about thing between God and I. Moving to Texas has only heightened the intensity of the talk.

What has been amusing to me is that even though I have been fighting with God on this...I have noticed just how different people I have known for years are starting to look at me. The things they say, the way they talk...it has really changed. At first I thought they had changed and I was getting really frustrated about it. That is until God let me in on a secret. I was the last one to figure it out...I was the one that was changing. People are having a hard time recognizing me because I am becoming the man/son that I was originally intended to be. Which is kinda scary....okay....I almost peed myself when Dad started showing me what was going on.

I was in the office at work yesterday, and I started to read an article posted by my buddy Praying Medic. The article was talking about the journey of a prophetic feeler. As I read...my heart was instantly tenderized. Holy Spirit was already doing some prep work in me. I hit the half way point in the article, which was talking about valuing our gifts and repenting. I then felt electricity shoot through my body. It was so bad that I had to get out of my chair cause every time I felt a surge my chair was vibrating pretty loud. I started repenting for devaluing what God had given me as a gift. I finally realized that the gifts that I have...they really were gifts he delighted in giving me. That revelation had me doubled over and shaking. I felt things being put back and restored. As I continued repenting I saw moments of my life flashing before my eyes and I just apologized for telling Him some of the most hurtful things I had said to Him. I was starting to get that He really did love me. He gave me any of the abilities that I had because it delighted Him and that He wanted them to bless me.

After I left the office I started contemplating how I was wired. It was like a ton of bricks hitting me all at once. I finally got it. How I am wired is wonderful. The things that I love to do, the way I connect to God...its unique to me. No one will ever do it quite the way that I do it. As there are over 6.5 Billion unique people in this world...no one with the same finger print...so it is with the way that I connect to God. So it is with how I operate with Holy Spirit. It really is unique to me. He began to share with me that I no longer need to get offended by people who operate differently than me. Nor do I need to feel like I need to conform because people do not get how I operate. We have the freedom to flow with Holy Spirit on our own journeys. Always encouraging each other to walk with the God-Head the way we were designed to. Sharing wisdom and tidbits to help each other experience God in new ways. The best part was that I no longer have to be offended if people do not have the same revelation I have in certain things. I get to come along side and pray and ask Jesus to show them what he has been showing me in the way that will best impact their heart.

In 23 day something radical has taken place in me.  I realize before I was, God was BOUT THAT LYFE! What's more is that is continues to be BOUT THAT LYFE!

This blog is already more wordy than I had anticipated so I will do a part 2 update on this and expand on my personal frequency...the way I vibrate in the spirit and the way I am wired.

Father I pray right now that you would encounter your children. That you would show them how wonderful they are wired. Show them that you did not make a mistake with them. Bring specific moments into there hearts and minds that will help them remember how awesome you see them. I speak blessing and restoration over broken hearts. Dad, thanks for being SOOOO AWESOME! Jesus you are marvelous!

Monthly Challenge: 
I want to issue 5 challenges.

1. Everyday, take about 5 minutes and find 5-10 different things about yourself that you absolutely love. Take those 5 minutes and encourage yourself while looking in the mirror. 
2. As you go through your day find 1-2 different people and find 1-3 reasons to be thankful for them. This is especially good if it is people that you dislike or have a problem with. Take a piece of paper and jot down your thoughts. Compile them. After about a month select a few people from your list and write a little thank you note for them.
3. Find a way to go out of your comfort zone a 3 times a week to show extreme kindness to someone (they can be 3 different people).
4. In your prayer time with the Father spend 80% of your time in thanksgiving and praise, and the other 20% listening to what the Lord would have to say to you (meaning don't make requests, ask Him questions but make no requests.)
5. This one is a group exercise. Find some friends and every time someone makes a negative comment, that person is to find 3 positive things about whoever or what ever the comment was directed at. 

Stay Tuned for more fun!