Time Machine: Communication, Relationships, and the American Dream

If communication was a fine art, I feel like I witness on a daily basis, a bunch of toddlers acting as if they were the next Van Gogh or Picasso. It is quite amusing when I read discussions or overhear conversations…people ranting and raving about a given topic, yet never actually addressing the issue up for discussion. As hard as I try not to bust a gut laughing, I find such exchanges quite disconcerting. How is that person A could make a statement, and person B respond in a way that neither addresses the statement but also takes a cheap shot at the character of person A? Or how is it that person C can share an opinion (not directed at anyone) and end up taking flack from person D? How is it that in the middle of trying to talk things out, these breakdowns simply continue until someone ends up hurt, damaged, or angry? Anyone ever notice that a person can repeat the same sentence several times in a row and people still hear exactly what they want to hear? I submit that one of the primary reasons for this is simply…a lack of real listening/reading comprehension skills.

Text based communication is a quite different than face to face communication, in that one cannot really infer the tone of voice used or any other nuances that would be quite apparent if one was to sit face to face with the person they were talking with. Our reactions or actions, are typically based off of what we perceive to have been said or done. We lump motives, attitudes, and outcomes all together in a split second judgment call. Said judgment is our reference point from which we engage the conversation. Having been a perpetrator of this, I do not mind sharing all of the dirty little realities about having selective hearing or reading skills…especially if pride is on the line. In the past I have used my communication abilities to twist things that people have said, so as to belittle them and beat them down for the sake of WINNING the argument. (You lose a lot of friends this way). More than that, I lost a lot of credibility that I would have to earn back. Communication is not a competitive sport to win, but a collaborative effort that empowers all those who participate.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. –George Bernard Shaw

Communication in all its glory is one of the major tools that help foster excellent relationships. When it comes to romantic relationships as well as dealing with roles between males and females I have noticed that this is an area that is frightfully lacking in understanding. I have been privy to a few awesome conversations in the last week about gender roles (in the religious context), the differences between what men need vs. what women need, and what it means to be a Man/Woman in our culture. I am pretty sure you are now starting to understand where I am heading in today’s blog. I am convinced that relationships that fall apart do so because of a breakdown in communication.

Though I have much to say about gender roles and what it means to be a man/woman, I am going to take some time to flesh out the idea of what I as a man need and how I communicate. First, let me start off by saying…I AM HIGHLY EMOTIONAL!!!! I FEEL DEEPLY!!!! Second, I am a thinker (analytical and logical). Lastly, I am passionate and intense. Alright, with that said…My primary love languages include: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. Let me redefine this…As a male I love to know that I am respected and what I have to say matters/do/offer matters. As a male I LOVE being touched. I loved being hugged, kissed, and when I get married…SEX will be AMAZING! As a male, when I am in a relationship, I want to know that I am needed/wanted by my significant other. That when she looks at me I am all that she sees. She is primary on my heart and mind to keep happy and spend time with. (Sounds a lot like my primary love languages huh?? Interesting!) I believe as a male I process things a lot differently than a female. Which is okay, we were made differently for a reason. I feel this is the reason that communication is SO IMPORTANT!

 To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. –Tony Robbins

In talking with a friend last night (THANKS SARAH R.) we both realized that in dealing with the opposite sex we must understand the importance of communicating in the way that they can best receive. Instead of trying to be stubborn and communicate in a selfish manner, we take the time to learn the language of our significant other. A friend and co-worker pointed out the value of communicating intentionally and the importance of taking the time to actually listen. It does no one any good if the bulk of the conversation is spent trying to prove the other person wrong.
So in response to the topic that was presented to me this morning about the issue of the needs of men vs. women, I simply have this to say…Both sides are right. There is no dispute. But you have to realize that you are coming from two different perspectives from which you are viewing things from. A woman will NEVER be able to see things through the male lens in its totality, but the reverse is also true. There are many nuances so generalizations do not work for everyone one. With that being said, with the way the subject was brought up…it would pay to simply stick with the question or thought that was being presented. Making an argument about something that was irrelevant to the topic as a whole serves to throw a wrench in the whole communication idea that I was talking about as the top of the blog. It puts people at odds when there is no need for it. Valid points were made across the board. However, where I draw the line is where subtle cheap shots are thrown to prove a point. Personal opinion…NOT OK! :)

All of this plays into the idea of The American dream for my generation. I am not sure that it has ever been communicated in this way so I will do my best to echo what I have heard over the years. My generation values relationships and great communication….WHY??? Because in a lot of ways our parents pursued an American dream that left really NO time for us. This is not a low blow directed at the previous generation in the least. However it is a wake up call so that many will begin to have eyes to see the things that we value.

A person isn’t who they are during the last conversation you had with them – they’re who they’ve been throughout your whole relationship. –Rainer Maria Rilke 

My Father, now retired, worked at his job for 30+ years. Talk about longevity. It paid the bills, gave my brother and I many opportunities, and a lifestyle he NEVER got to live. I am extremely grateful! I love how my Dad sacrificed for me. Though, now being a 27 year old…if I could go back in time to give my Dad some advice…it would go like this…, “Dad, thanks for all you are doing cause I know you are thinking of me. I know you are concerned about my future. Pops, I don’t need all the stuff. I don’t need you to spend countless hours at the job, only to go to the church right when you get off. I don’t need all of the trips. What I need is you! What I need is not the toys, the games, the greatest house….I need your presence. I need to know in an intimate way that I am loved by you. That I am valued and cherished. That the ideas I have make you proud.” I would say the same thing to my mother as well. It isn’t because I am ungrateful, but rather that I have learned something and know how to clearly articulate what I have needed all of these years.

In my generation there seems to be a push for the original American Dream…, “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” I live in a generation of dreamers, that want more than the 9-5 rat race of cubicle living. We are caught in a sticky place of wanting to explore all of the uniqueness that makes us who we are but living in this world that our parents and forefathers created for us that say you have to follow the formula to actually be successful. I have a 4 year college degree, and a job…I AM IN NO WAYS HAPPY WITH HOW I AM LIVING…Why you ask??? Because it is void of adventure, creativity, passion, and excitement. You might ask…well what about your children??? Yes, I do think of them. I want to leave them a legacy that reminds them ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. GO FOR IT AND TRUST THE FAITHFULNESS OF THE ULTIMATE FATHER.

See for my generation we crave relational intentionality. We are not catching these things by osmosis. We crave a raw realness from the generations around us as well as our peers. Cookie cutter answers and methods do not suit us. We are deep thinkers who ponder mysteries, whose minds and imaginations race among the stars. We are creators shaping the world around us. What we “lack” is meaningful worthwhile relationships with those who should be closest to us. If I could only share my deepest dreams and secrets with my family and have them really understand…it would do my heart good. But I know too many others who feel the same. Our generation cries out for the freedom to try! The freedom to make mistakes! The freedom to be bigger than the circumstances that often attempt to limit our potential. This is the generation that I am a part of. This is the generation I identify with. I don’t need a house with a lawn, a dog, and a white picket fence. Let me do what I love with out restriction…give me a healthy, supportive, community and I will be okay. Give me some wind so that I can learn to fly and you will see great things happen.

My parents dreams for me are just that. "Their" dreams for me. I love my parents SO MUCH. I just have a different vision for the life that I must live. My dreams are different. 9-5 isn’t my cup o tea. I am an artist…I need to spend my days creating. Otherwise…I will be 70 regretting the things I could have done, but never actually did. That is not the way to live.

A fun fact, a lot of you reading this blog probably have inferred that my tone has been rather harsh, sarcastic, and/or mean. However, from where I am sitting as the author I can assure you that I am actually coming from a lighthearted, jovial, yet contemplative place. As such, if you thought my tone was harsh, your defenses would have been up and you might not have actually taken the time to finish reading the whole blog. I know this is a generalization, but if one finds offense with something written…often times they will begin to skim through what is being said and look for red flags, or buzz words in which to argue with. So if that was you (I was like that quite a bit when I was younger), I would just ask that you take some time to re-read all of this. These are simply my thoughts on communication, relationships, and the American dream. They are all subject to change as my perspective of life changes. :) I cant wait.
Blessings!

Fellowship, Tithing, and Going to Church: My Frustrations with Modern Day Christianity

I cannot promise that this will end up being a short post. As you might have figured, frustration is what is fueling this post. Well, in all honesty, the frustration has died off a bit. My mind is much clearer so I can put together coherent thoughts that will more accurately convey what I am observing.

Fellowship, tithing, and going to church, are ideas that have been brought up frequently in the last month. Through many of these conversations, it has been made clear that there seems to be a grave misunderstanding with the use of such phrases. Within many of the circles I have been a part of, these words share a distinct relationship. Growing in a Christian house hold…we went to church to fellowship and pay our tithes. This would be a valid summary of what many other people have grown up under. However, this understanding of things is what causes such a dependence and obligation to religious system. What this spells out is RELIGIOUS DUTY AND OBLIGATION. If you do not perform…well…you miss out on the blessings that God has for you.

Recently, I did a bible study with close friends and we decided that the best topic to cover would be the idea of fellowship. Most if not all who were present for the study are what I would call church escapees or rebels. All of us have grown up within the confines of a shallow and narrow understanding of why we are “supposed” to go to church. All of us had the same scripture quote pop in our heads. “Do not forsake the assembling of yourselves,” is what popped into each one of our minds. This has been the most “crippling” proof text about why we have to be “in” church. In my snarkiness I decided to raise the question…, “Doesn't this count for assembling ourselves?” There was a small pause, but it was a unanimous decision. What we were doing constituted a “church” gathering…what’s more is that we were breaking bread together…OH MY GOODNESS we were being BIBLICAL?!?! You mean to tell me, we were being scripturally accurate without actually going to a “church”.  What’s more we were delving into things at what I would say was a higher level and more importantly, we were getting to know one another more intimately.

It was at that point that we realized true fellowship was happening. We were being intentional about being in each other’s lives, heading towards a common goal, from a common denominator. At someone some asked the question, “Does fellowship actually really happen at church?” We all looked at each other for a moment, before we all started laughing. Apparently there was an understanding that though we grew up in church, fellowship like we were experiencing currently NEVER had happened while we were doing our Sunday morning duties. Fellowship typically happened outside of the church setting, and found its home in the normal day to day things of life. We understood that fellowship requires intentionality and does not happen at an intimate place without that intentionality. Am I saying don’t go to church? Absolutely not! I am saying that if you are going to church for fellowship…you are probably not going to miss it.

I mean really…from what I have noticed church fellowship is akin to going to high school. Got your introductory things to wake you up, then got your announcements, got a few activities that involve others, then you are in your seat listening to the professor talk at you for a good 30 minutes to an hour. Then we are let out of our seats to go home. On the way home, we may see a few of our friends and others we haven’t seen in a while. We will put on a smile, exchange some small talk, grab our families and head of to watch the game, get dinner, or sleep. In what part of that has fellowship actually occurred? At what part have we invested in relationship? Yes we invested vertically, but have we invested horizontally? UH…probably not. Also, when I talk about fellowship words like partnership and participation help to clarify what I mean. Fellowship in my understanding means that we are becoming partners in each other’s lives, actively participating in the growth development and furthering of our lives as individuals as well as the moving forward of the Kingdom we say we are a part of.

Then another interesting thought came to mind, how do we actually begin to invest I the lives of those we are in fellowship with? That is where the monkey wrench of TITHING came into the picture. I am just going to say this right now…I do not believe in tithing PERIOD. I think tithing is so below the standard of Kingdom living, that it ought to be illegal. Yes, I admit I have strong feelings concerning this. However, my opinion is not without merit. Does anyone know what the TITHE actually is? If you are saying that it is 10% of your income…you are actually WRONG! VERY WRONG! My buddy Nathan wrote an excellent blog concerning this topic. Many people are ignorant concerning what the tithe is and what is was actually supposed to be used for. As such many put themselves in an unfavorable position because they are missing out on some major spiritual principles and things they are not legally bound too since they are not Jews. Secondly, they are functioning way under the Kingdom standard because it is based upon an inferior and NOW obsolete covenant. I will detail what I mean concerning that in another blog. There are major differences between the Old Covenant and the New Covenant. The most major difference being that the compulsion we were under to carry out certain deeds was rendered impotent when the New Covenant of God’s grace was given. We now do things out of our heart not out of obligation.

So then what do you do with all that extra cash that’s lying around? GIVE IT AWAY CHEERFULLY. See the tithe was a mandatory thing. Now, we have the opportunity to give it away freely, cheerfully, and abundantly. We are not put in a place of responsibility to give based upon how we actually see God and understand Him. It really is an exercise of our heart more than it is a test of our obedience. Do we believe that God really functions from abundance and loves funneling that abundance through us…or do we believe he functions from a budget? Giving frees us up to give without restriction. Rather than simply doing our duty to give 10% of our produce and livestock, we are no able to give EVEN MORE! See God’s kids should be known to be the most GENEROUS, LOVING, GRACIOUS, and KIND people, on the face of the planet.  However, is that what people really see?

Here in lies my frustration with going to “church” and dealing with Christianity as a whole. I really love people. I absolutely love seeing people living in freedom. I love seeing they eyes of people light up as truth begins to shatter the coke bottle lenses they had been forced to wear for so long. I love watching people drunkenly come to the reality that they are free from condemnation and shame. Even better as I see people take their chains and burn them, then find another to help them do the same thing. Do I want to see things change? YES! Yet, for the church to change…those who run the churches are going to have to realize that they are no different from any of the other sheep within their congregations. There is only one shepherd. His name is Jesus. The rest of us are HIS sheep. One thing I would not is this…Pastors, Prophets, Apostles, Evangelist, Teacher’s, if you are claiming to be a part of the five-fold ministry team…you are at best a bell-sheep. You will NEVER be the shepherd. There is a story concerning the wayward lamb that becomes the bell sheep. However, being a bell sheep in the way that I am using it requires intimacy and transparency with the shepherd. It is time spent with the shepherd but never forgetting the relationship. Though a bell sheep, you are still a sheep. You are no different than any other sheep of the flock. Never forget that. The playing field is level across the board. We must learn to lead among rather than leading from a position. The mentality of who will be the greatest in the Kingdom is a HUGE problem within the church. We have forgotten the words of Christ. The greatest among you will be the servant of all.

A person I know typically gets mad at me for sharing things like this because they see it as easy to diagnose the problem. They always ask me so what are you going to do about the problem. People perish for lack of knowledge. So the first thing is bring this stuff to the light. Secondly, invest intimately and actually cultivate meaningful relationships that challenge the status quo in the church. Empower people to ask question. Help people find the confidence to challenge norms. Remind people to take the tape off of their mouths. It is time for the conversation to go from a whisper to a passionate plea.

Here is a link to my buddy Nathan's Blog concerning tithing.

 http://www.benotcommon.com/tithingvsgiving.html

Musings Concerning Religion

On days like today I set everything aside simply to center myself. With everything being so hectic, reorienting oneself becomes a most necessary endeavor. That much being said, I wonder how these thoughts will actually play out.

Christianity - By far the topic that stirs up the most controversy within my circle of influence. I am not even sure what to think at the current moment.

After such an unsettling dream...seeing people especially children wrapped in chains, trying to run for their lives. Running as fast as they can away from their captors and others who are in power...holding one such child who was wrapped in a spiderweb like chain. As soon as I touched the chain I could feel the horror of being trapped...the emotions of being alone and forgotten.

I began to weep...to wail...finally screaming because the pain was so great.

My screams in the dream jolted me back to the land of the living. My mood has been off ever sense. As I talked with Dad about it he said..., "As you begin to touch people you will feel the things that are holding them captive. Son, do not be afraid of what you feel. Yet, feel you must. Your heart will grow in compassion as you feel them and look at me."

This is my why. This is why I have become what I have become.

Bondage is not the business...

Seeing people hurt is also not the business...

Tied to all of this are the other major issues that seem to really mess with people.

Most would agree that God is good. All would agree that God is loving. Yet, what I have found is that most of these thoughts are accompanied by conditions and qualifications.

WHY???

Why are all of these great qualities of God's character made to be so...well...conditional...while we can see that these qualities are so unconditional and freely given.

It seems that Christians have imposed a morality ladder that must be ascended in order to be considered righteous or holy...

I call bullshit.

This type of thinking reeks of self-righteousness to the highest degree.

For what exactly? To appease our consciences so we feel as if we are accomplishing something?

Can we really add to what Jesus did for us on the cross?

No?

Then why do we try?

This is still a profound mystery to me...the more freedom I stumble into...the more the old way of living makes absolutely no sense.

What exactly have we been doing this whole time?

In my estimation we have spent more time trying to figure out the morality wheel than we have spent time investing in getting to know the God we say we love and adore.

We have have spent more time focused on behaviors more than the hearts that produce those behaviors.

Honestly speaking, in a lot of ways we still have not gotten passed the garden and the knowledge of good and evil.

As I recall there were 2 trees in the garden. The tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

We spend most of our time eating from the wrong tree...learning from the wrong tree...judging from the wrong tree.

Endeavoring on the journey I am taking has been no easy task. It has caused me to have to be reoriented in my entire belief system.

Instead of seeing things in black and white, I have become aware of the varying shades of color that fill the world around us.

Walking with Jesus teaches me just how diverse life really is. He made things so intricate that there is no possible way that one size fits all for anything...well...other than Jesus being a legitimate bad ass in the way he orchestrated EVERYTHING. (Time/Eternity/The Universe/All things seen/All things unseen.)

There are too many gaps to fill that I have no answers for.

The question I leave you will is this...

What does it look like for God to be God?

Just so you know its a trick question...

No one but God has the answer to that...

However, I challenge you to allow Him to challenge your paradigms of what it looks like for Him to be Himself.

Instead locking Him in the  "Christian" box...why not allow Him to just be himself and absolutely BLOW YOUR MIND.

I bet you he is bigger than you ever even suspected or dared even dream.

See the thing about this journey is this...every time I hang out with Jesus...He is bigger than the last time I hung out with Him. I asked Him why it seemed like He was growing all the time...His reply to me was priceless...

"I'm not growing I have always been bigger than you could fathom...your just growing in your understanding of me. The more you hang out with me...the bigger it will seem that I get because you are changing and transforming. Your vision is getting better. Just wait until we start working on how you see yourself. Things are gonna shift dramatically. :)" -- Jesus