Time Machine: Communication, Relationships, and the American Dream

If communication was a fine art, I feel like I witness on a daily basis, a bunch of toddlers acting as if they were the next Van Gogh or Picasso. It is quite amusing when I read discussions or overhear conversations…people ranting and raving about a given topic, yet never actually addressing the issue up for discussion. As hard as I try not to bust a gut laughing, I find such exchanges quite disconcerting. How is that person A could make a statement, and person B respond in a way that neither addresses the statement but also takes a cheap shot at the character of person A? Or how is it that person C can share an opinion (not directed at anyone) and end up taking flack from person D? How is it that in the middle of trying to talk things out, these breakdowns simply continue until someone ends up hurt, damaged, or angry? Anyone ever notice that a person can repeat the same sentence several times in a row and people still hear exactly what they want to hear? I submit that one of the primary reasons for this is simply…a lack of real listening/reading comprehension skills.

Text based communication is a quite different than face to face communication, in that one cannot really infer the tone of voice used or any other nuances that would be quite apparent if one was to sit face to face with the person they were talking with. Our reactions or actions, are typically based off of what we perceive to have been said or done. We lump motives, attitudes, and outcomes all together in a split second judgment call. Said judgment is our reference point from which we engage the conversation. Having been a perpetrator of this, I do not mind sharing all of the dirty little realities about having selective hearing or reading skills…especially if pride is on the line. In the past I have used my communication abilities to twist things that people have said, so as to belittle them and beat them down for the sake of WINNING the argument. (You lose a lot of friends this way). More than that, I lost a lot of credibility that I would have to earn back. Communication is not a competitive sport to win, but a collaborative effort that empowers all those who participate.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. –George Bernard Shaw

Communication in all its glory is one of the major tools that help foster excellent relationships. When it comes to romantic relationships as well as dealing with roles between males and females I have noticed that this is an area that is frightfully lacking in understanding. I have been privy to a few awesome conversations in the last week about gender roles (in the religious context), the differences between what men need vs. what women need, and what it means to be a Man/Woman in our culture. I am pretty sure you are now starting to understand where I am heading in today’s blog. I am convinced that relationships that fall apart do so because of a breakdown in communication.

Though I have much to say about gender roles and what it means to be a man/woman, I am going to take some time to flesh out the idea of what I as a man need and how I communicate. First, let me start off by saying…I AM HIGHLY EMOTIONAL!!!! I FEEL DEEPLY!!!! Second, I am a thinker (analytical and logical). Lastly, I am passionate and intense. Alright, with that said…My primary love languages include: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. Let me redefine this…As a male I love to know that I am respected and what I have to say matters/do/offer matters. As a male I LOVE being touched. I loved being hugged, kissed, and when I get married…SEX will be AMAZING! As a male, when I am in a relationship, I want to know that I am needed/wanted by my significant other. That when she looks at me I am all that she sees. She is primary on my heart and mind to keep happy and spend time with. (Sounds a lot like my primary love languages huh?? Interesting!) I believe as a male I process things a lot differently than a female. Which is okay, we were made differently for a reason. I feel this is the reason that communication is SO IMPORTANT!

 To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. –Tony Robbins

In talking with a friend last night (THANKS SARAH R.) we both realized that in dealing with the opposite sex we must understand the importance of communicating in the way that they can best receive. Instead of trying to be stubborn and communicate in a selfish manner, we take the time to learn the language of our significant other. A friend and co-worker pointed out the value of communicating intentionally and the importance of taking the time to actually listen. It does no one any good if the bulk of the conversation is spent trying to prove the other person wrong.
So in response to the topic that was presented to me this morning about the issue of the needs of men vs. women, I simply have this to say…Both sides are right. There is no dispute. But you have to realize that you are coming from two different perspectives from which you are viewing things from. A woman will NEVER be able to see things through the male lens in its totality, but the reverse is also true. There are many nuances so generalizations do not work for everyone one. With that being said, with the way the subject was brought up…it would pay to simply stick with the question or thought that was being presented. Making an argument about something that was irrelevant to the topic as a whole serves to throw a wrench in the whole communication idea that I was talking about as the top of the blog. It puts people at odds when there is no need for it. Valid points were made across the board. However, where I draw the line is where subtle cheap shots are thrown to prove a point. Personal opinion…NOT OK! :)

All of this plays into the idea of The American dream for my generation. I am not sure that it has ever been communicated in this way so I will do my best to echo what I have heard over the years. My generation values relationships and great communication….WHY??? Because in a lot of ways our parents pursued an American dream that left really NO time for us. This is not a low blow directed at the previous generation in the least. However it is a wake up call so that many will begin to have eyes to see the things that we value.

A person isn’t who they are during the last conversation you had with them – they’re who they’ve been throughout your whole relationship. –Rainer Maria Rilke 

My Father, now retired, worked at his job for 30+ years. Talk about longevity. It paid the bills, gave my brother and I many opportunities, and a lifestyle he NEVER got to live. I am extremely grateful! I love how my Dad sacrificed for me. Though, now being a 27 year old…if I could go back in time to give my Dad some advice…it would go like this…, “Dad, thanks for all you are doing cause I know you are thinking of me. I know you are concerned about my future. Pops, I don’t need all the stuff. I don’t need you to spend countless hours at the job, only to go to the church right when you get off. I don’t need all of the trips. What I need is you! What I need is not the toys, the games, the greatest house….I need your presence. I need to know in an intimate way that I am loved by you. That I am valued and cherished. That the ideas I have make you proud.” I would say the same thing to my mother as well. It isn’t because I am ungrateful, but rather that I have learned something and know how to clearly articulate what I have needed all of these years.

In my generation there seems to be a push for the original American Dream…, “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” I live in a generation of dreamers, that want more than the 9-5 rat race of cubicle living. We are caught in a sticky place of wanting to explore all of the uniqueness that makes us who we are but living in this world that our parents and forefathers created for us that say you have to follow the formula to actually be successful. I have a 4 year college degree, and a job…I AM IN NO WAYS HAPPY WITH HOW I AM LIVING…Why you ask??? Because it is void of adventure, creativity, passion, and excitement. You might ask…well what about your children??? Yes, I do think of them. I want to leave them a legacy that reminds them ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. GO FOR IT AND TRUST THE FAITHFULNESS OF THE ULTIMATE FATHER.

See for my generation we crave relational intentionality. We are not catching these things by osmosis. We crave a raw realness from the generations around us as well as our peers. Cookie cutter answers and methods do not suit us. We are deep thinkers who ponder mysteries, whose minds and imaginations race among the stars. We are creators shaping the world around us. What we “lack” is meaningful worthwhile relationships with those who should be closest to us. If I could only share my deepest dreams and secrets with my family and have them really understand…it would do my heart good. But I know too many others who feel the same. Our generation cries out for the freedom to try! The freedom to make mistakes! The freedom to be bigger than the circumstances that often attempt to limit our potential. This is the generation that I am a part of. This is the generation I identify with. I don’t need a house with a lawn, a dog, and a white picket fence. Let me do what I love with out restriction…give me a healthy, supportive, community and I will be okay. Give me some wind so that I can learn to fly and you will see great things happen.

My parents dreams for me are just that. "Their" dreams for me. I love my parents SO MUCH. I just have a different vision for the life that I must live. My dreams are different. 9-5 isn’t my cup o tea. I am an artist…I need to spend my days creating. Otherwise…I will be 70 regretting the things I could have done, but never actually did. That is not the way to live.

A fun fact, a lot of you reading this blog probably have inferred that my tone has been rather harsh, sarcastic, and/or mean. However, from where I am sitting as the author I can assure you that I am actually coming from a lighthearted, jovial, yet contemplative place. As such, if you thought my tone was harsh, your defenses would have been up and you might not have actually taken the time to finish reading the whole blog. I know this is a generalization, but if one finds offense with something written…often times they will begin to skim through what is being said and look for red flags, or buzz words in which to argue with. So if that was you (I was like that quite a bit when I was younger), I would just ask that you take some time to re-read all of this. These are simply my thoughts on communication, relationships, and the American dream. They are all subject to change as my perspective of life changes. :) I cant wait.
Blessings!

Time Machine: Me A Year Ago

My fingers move frantically in a sporadic fashion….my thoughts slowly moving in and out of conscious space. Do I try typing what is in my mind or do I simply wait for that bolt of inspiration (I came back to do some edits because I decided to let my fingers just type). It is at this point where I stop and stare at this mountain that is seemingly barring my path to freedom. Many a writer will find themselves at this point …that mountain known as writers block (This place has prevented me from writing for 4 months now). For what reason, I know not, yet a worthy adversary it has proven to be these many years. This feeling in the pit of my stomach…things are vastly different than before. Change is what I feel, yet what is it that has changed? What is so different now than from before? Serenity…stillness has settled into my once wavering heart (A lot of my memories have started to be healed). The frantic pace that once consumed every part of me has become still.

Emotions that ran deep, with tints and hues to match also have become still. As colors blend, swirl, and accentuate each other on the palette of a master painter, so my emotions have now become. Oh how I love the clarity that has come. New language and vocabulary have captivated my heart clearly expressing my disdain for the mundane (Seeing everything from this lens causes everything to just look the same). There is no such thing has ordinary or common…unique, intricate, and personalized have things now become, rather my perception is now picking up on this reality. As a master taste tester can recognize every nuance in the dishes he samples so is it becoming for myself as I take time to steady my introspective gaze. This mountain that used to cause such melancholy disturbances within my soul has turned into a simple mole hill on my journey of growth.

For one whose vision was severely impaired because of fear, seeing in such a panoramic view is breath taking. Creation is much more vast and beautiful than I first realized (Colors, sights, sounds, even the range of emotions). The people I encounter on my journey each unique and different much like the various cells in my own body, each needing and wanting to be loved and understood in a unique and special way. There is no one size fits all plan in this world I am finding out (A point I cannot stress enough). Each has something that makes it special and unique. I am finding that for things to fit properly, they need to be tailor made. Yes, it takes a lot more work and effort to tailor make things. However, the benefits outweigh the costs. When one makes something that is designed for one specific person…usually the quality, time spent, and effort going into these things sky rockets (Most of the time people pour themselves into what is being made). Yes, it also means that the amount one can produce is severely diminishes, however, the ability to focus and create based upon the nature of the person you are making the item for goes up. Also time spent with said person increases the capacity to adventure and stumble on to new ideas that might bless them. The tailor making process is not one that can be rushed (Creativity does not flourish under pressure). It is one where an intimate amount of time is taken to produce something that will fit properly, beautifully, just the way the person receiving the item needs it. Despite how many other people might feel about what you are doing…the only person that really matters is the one you are tailoring the good for. If they like what has been created, it fits well, and it suits them…there is not much more one can ask for.

I have begun to realize just how important this process is as I continue learning about myself and others. One cannot simply stop walking forward simply at the behest of someone else, who is on their own road, to do all of the exact same things the same way. Though it might work, it is not going to be the best way to do it. For example, I am 5’5 and 125 lbs. Yet I am NOT built like other people my size. See, I have a rather short torso, long legs, and long arms. Unknowing to me, I did not realize these mechanical differences were important for my development as an athlete. I was always taught text book technique for playing sports. Which means it was a mass production of how athletes are supposed to run, jump, and throw. There was one problem…it was all based off athletes whose bodies were pretty proportional to one another…which I DID NOT FIT!

Being 5’5 with long levers meant that I would have to do things a bit differently, so I do not put unnecessary strain on my body. Yet, I was never told this as I grew and developed. So as a baseball player I spent most of my high school years with bicep tendinitis because no one caught on that I was doing things in a way that was making my underdeveloped body scream out in pain. Though, I knew something was wrong…people didn't may much attention to me. They knew better than I did what I needed and how I needed it. I should have been more adamant back then, but there is nothing I can do about it now. See mechanically my body could not handle the stress or strain of following the mass produced mold of doing things. It actually caused much more damage to me than good. Though I learned many things, I am glad that damage suffered was not irreversible.

Experiences that I had long forgot are now starting to pop up and remind me of the value of learning how to walk your own path (Not the path that people expect you to walk, but the one you were designed and created to walk). I am learning how to take advice and correction, tailoring it so that it fits perfectly. I was never meant to walk in the shoes or footsteps of any other person, because time taken trying to walk in their footsteps, down their roads, is less time spent walking down the road that I was meant for. Honestly speaking, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” Yet, one of the scary/frustrating things that I have been seeing is that, if you do not take a person’s advice as it is given, offense will pile up. I am unsure why this happens, and why people feel so slighted, why I have felt so slighted when people didn’t follow my opinion and advice perfectly.

Maybe it is because we feel little value if things are not followed perfectly, or the subtle pride of feeling as if we need to have people follow after us because somewhere down in our hearts be believe we have these things figured out perfectly (I have been guilty of doing this in the past). Either way, I have come to a place where I realize people have to work their own lives out. The path people will walk will differ, and it becomes unreasonable to ask them to travel a road they were never equipped to walk down. For me to share what has helped me grow and developed is a great thing to do, but to expect people to walk those things I have shared, in the way I have walked them out is totally stupid.

I am a 27 year old kid. I have so much to learn (Yes I did just call myself a kid). But I have to learn it as I walk the path laid before me. I am finding that it is neither disrespectful nor dishonoring to remind people of such things (Contrary to popular belief and what many are taught about honor). I may not have your life experience, but the reality is this…there will be no one on this planet that shares all the same experiences as I do. There will be no one on this planet that perceives those experiences the way I do or are affected by said experiences the way I am. It is always honorable to hear someone out and be thankful for the heart behind the thoughts spoken, but not everything has to be implemented or even considered (This is the part that is hard for many to swallow…especially parents and religious leaders). I am finding that it is less about who is right or wrong, but learning to care for people in the process. My responses should never be dictated by another.

Knowing that I am a powerful person and have the power to choose how I will respond to any given situation has helped alleviate the pressure of having to conform to what is “expected” of me (Expectations can kill a person before they even begin their own journey). I am not bound to expectation. There is so much freedom in learning that no one else can dictate to me what I should, what I need to, what I have to, or what the right thing to do is. Fear is a limitation. It will always be. Rejection, shame, guilt, condemnation, and pride are all limiters on what it means to live in the fullest expression of freedom. They rob you of the ability to consciously choose how you will operate. Yet, conversely learning how to LOVE actually will empower you to make hard choices and value those you come into contact with.

Growing Pains – Relationships

Part of my journey with God has caused me to take another look at relationships, romance, and intimacy. For the longest time I have been in an interesting place, closed off to romantic relationships, while at the same time deeply desiring to be married. This place of inner conflict has become more pronounced as I have begun to deal with hurts from the past. Conversations with close friends have done much to expose underlying issues where my heart is concerned. As a result I have come to some interesting journey markers that I would like to expand on.

1. Learning to love is messy. – There is no way around this. Our greatest example in life and eternity has shown us that love though super fulfilling, is not exactly the most tidy of things to deal with. Learning to love is a messy business. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same understanding of what love is supposed to look like. We have different love languages, ways we speak appreciation, and ways to say "I'm sorry". There are 6+ billion people on the planet, which means there are 6+ billion ways to learn to speak love, appreciation, and repentance. Beyond this grandiose project of learning how to speak love, but there are also the actions involved in demonstrating love to another person. This is a subject I will not speak much on because well, it would take quite a bit of time to flesh out. Suffice to say, that our actions play a big role in how another person perceives and understands love. Love is one of those things that take work and practice. It isn’t something that one will get a handle on even after 30-40 years. Love ever grows, ever changes, and depending on who you come into contact with, it will take time to learn how to love them in the best way possible. In the process, you can expect things to get a little messy, as you are learning to understand the quirks of another living being. Through the process of learning to love, I wouldn't be surprised if you bumped into grace and patience, as they are needed to survive the journey.


2. Love is risky business. – Sorry guys, as much as I wish love wasn’t hard, I have found that it is tough. When it comes to loving in a manner that can actually change lives and help people grow, love is one of the most risky things that you can do. The heart is a fragile thing, and it is often on the line when dealing with deep levels of love. Whether you are talking about a deep friendship, a possible relationship, or even marriage, one must realize that the thing that is always at stake, is the heart. If not taken care of appropriately, there can be tons of damage done. Friendship requires a level of transparency to be done well, but that transparency is what puts the heart at risk. If talking about a relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend), the level of intimacy and transparency must increase, which means the things at stake also increase. If you are talking about marriage then the stakes get increased exponentially. The higher the level of intimacy, the more at risk the heart is. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the heart being at risk. It just means that the self-preservation instinct that many of us have will try to keep our hearts safe rather than letting it be exposed to potential dangers. This is especially true if we have experienced trauma in the past as a result of trying to walk through this area we know as love. Our experiences have unconsciously put triggers within us that begin to fire depending on the potential risk level our heart would be exposed to. It is in dealing with these triggers that we learn what it means to love uninhibited and without condition.


3. Fear is a relationship killer. – This is a touchy issue for me, and one that I get quite passionate about. After sabotaging 3 different relationships in the past, and have some sabotaged by the other party, I can say without a doubt, fear is a relationship killer. Worrying about what other people are going to think, what the future is going to hold, if your family will get along with who you are dating, and other such thoughts, are things that can do much to destroy ANY type of relationship. As one who wants to be prepared for as my scenarios as possible, trying to walk through these things from a place of fear is never a good thing. It is one thing to see red flags and seek counsel on how to deal with such things, however, it is another thing altogether to look at everything as a red flag and seek any reason to call it quits on the relationship. One of the hang ups I dealt with was that I wasn’t sure my friends and family would think the girl I dated was pretty enough. Shallow? Yes, but there was a reason for the shallowness. Earlier experiences in my formative years had taught me to scrutinize these things or otherwise I would be talked about by both friends and family. (I talked about experiences that create unconscious triggers; well this is an example of that.) There are other fears that I have dealt with (annoying habits they had, how they got along with there family, tone of voice, understandings of intimacy, if they wore make up or not...) as well that led to purposefully finding any reason I could to ditch a woman. Hindsight has shown that most of these had been due to triggers that I had not been aware of. If you have an inkling that there might be some emotional triggers that might be sabotaging your relationships, I HIGHLY recommend talking with God about where they came from, and getting rid of them. Perfect love really does cast out all fear.


4. Relationships and walking with God are not mutually exclusive. – I have known some amazing people in my life who have said, “It is better to not be in a relationship if you are trying to grow up in God. A relationship would only detract from the work God is doing.” While at the time the statement sounded spiritual, I have come to believe that it can also be one of the single most devastating statements that can be spoken. Though, the heart intention is to say, its best to stay singular minded in your focus and follow God, it draws a false dichotomy between relationships and walking with God. Statements like this have been used to actually justify the fear of approaching relationships in a healthy manner. While I know that God will at times call people to a time of singleness, I also know that there are times where God will call people to a time of relational growth. In my case, I had to tend to some wounds that were caused by girlfriends, but no one could access my heart, accept someone who was in that role. I had to be healed by the very thing that had caused the damage. I was hurt relationally so I needed to be healed relationally. As I have grown up, I have noted that certain portions of the heart only open up at certain times. If I were to use my mother as an example, the closest male to her (my grandpa) left when she was 12 years old. That scar in her heart, was carried over into her marriage. She acted out as if my father were going to leave her just like her father had. It took the repeated actions of my father PURPOSELY staying and loving her, to help heal my mother’s heart because of the abandonment she suffered so many years prior. If we were to implement the advice of some of the people I know, my mother and father would probably NOT be married for the 35+ years they have been married. I am sure there are many other stories like this, but my point is that one of the killers of growing and healing has been drawing a false dichotomy between walking with God and being in a relationship. This is one of those things that I would personally take on a case by case basis.



5. Honesty begets honesty, the true test of relationship. – This is probably the hardest thing I have learned in the last year. Honesty is hard work. It takes such a level of trust to open up to another that is close to you, to show them what lies within the depths of who you are. Not only are you risking your heart, but at times you are risking the relationship as a whole. “What if they cannot handle what I am about to say? What if they get mad and walk away? What if…” I cannot explain how draining it can be to have to stew over how you are going to share a bit of information with someone that you care so much about. If the relationship is based out of fear, this place of honesty is one that might not be existent. Though one of the toughest things to do, it is also one of the most liberating things in relationship. When you know you can trust the person you are with, sharing anything that is on your heart, well, it’s quite nice. My friend Praying Medic, talked about this idea in his book, My Craziest Adventures with God. He tells the story of how he met his wife. (I do believe this story has applications beyond the scope of marriage.)

“He states, ‘One thing that stands in the way of a successful marriage is a lack of transparency. Out of fear that they’ll suffer rejection, many people hide their past from the person they’re dating. Years later when something from the past comes up(and it always does) the person you thought you knew is no longer the one you’re married to. But by then it’s too late. I knew that if I expected her to quit her job, leave her family and friends, and move across the country to be a permanent part of my life I had to be transparent with her about my past. So one night I told her I needed about two hours of her time, just to listen as I told her about my past. I divulged to her everything a woman would want to know about her potential husband, and I mean everything. My weaknesses, my failures, the things I did wrong in my last marriage, why I had an affair, why I was fired from my last job my fears, my arrest, my financial problems…everything. It was a huge risk, but I figured if she could deal with the junk from my past, she’d have no reason to fear a future with me.'”

I had a similar experience with a friend of mine. I had to be more open about how I felt about her than I actually cared to be. However, I had learned that if I allowed fear to govern my response towards her then there would be no turning back. The relationship would cave in as a whole. (Relationships cannot flourish where there is no trust.)  I am so glad I made that decision to be open about everything. As a result of my honestly with her, she in turn was just as honest. We were able to find some common ground in what we were dealing with while at the same time reaffirming our goal to simply walk with one another through the processes that we were in.

These 5 wonderful things have been the revelation that I have been processing with Jesus for the past few weeks. In order to grow in a given area, you cannot hide from it. You must face it head on. It really doesn’t matter if it is love, identity, grace, God’s goodness, all of it has to be faced without hesitation or hiding. If we are afraid of things often times we will end up missing the answers we so desperately want. Fear is the thing that stands in our way. “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me besides quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me…” Friends fear though it seems real, it is only a shadow. When you walk through that shadow you will begin to see the substance of the things you truly have dreamed of and searched for.

Growing in Abundance

First let me make this really clear, this blog has always been about the crazy changes that happen in my life and the experiences that I walk through. I have tried to keep this thing user friendly without the overtly “Christian” language, all the while staying true to my personal convictions. This entry is probably going to walk that fine line. I am going to state the obvious; I love Jesus, and think he absolutely rocks. Yet, through various entries you might have noticed raw emotions down to the occasional F-Bomb. I make no apologies for those things as they have been a large part of my journey, however, this particular entry will probably go in the opposite direction. So viewer discretion is advised if you are in anyway put off by the overt mention of Jesus, God, or Holy Spirit.

The journey of growth will take people in so many different directions; it is at times hard to fathom the place they started from. My adventure is really no different. I have progressed from being a religious robot, to religious zealot, to anti-religious freedom fighter, to a religion apathetic, to a simple lover of Jesus and people. From where I started to where I am now trips me out. This is 10 years of transformation that I am talking about.

I have learned a great many lessons over the past 10 years but a few stand out more than others. I have learned that everyone has a journey to take. Encourage them to walk with God, and bless their journey even though it might be different than yours. Even though you may disagree with their path, love them because they are worth it not because you agree with them or because they deserve it. The second but equally important lesson has been that communion with God is not just a religious habit; it isn’t just something that you do because you are supposed to. It really is like having a best friend that you do EVERYTHING with. Best friends hang out at times without saying a word to each other. Sometimes laughing and giggling at nothing. They do pointless things together because the time spent together was more important than the activity. There really is no replacing this aspect of relationship with God. It isn’t about reading a bible, going to a church, or doing these seemingly spiritual things. Nothing can replace time spent with the person.

Two of the greatest sermons I have watched in a great while were delivered by a guy by the name of ShaneWillard (please note Shane has a hyperlink attached to it, and Willard has a different link attached to it). It challenged me in a way that pissed me. I was mainly ticked off because I knew he was right. I had been sacrificing living in awe because of my continued pursuit of knowledge and understanding (my idols of sorts). These two messages really framed the last 10 years of my journey and put them into a perspective that has been such a blessing. It has been from this place that a new set of thoughts has begun to invade my brain space. Simplicity, something I have really never understood, has become something that I feel like I am beginning to gravitate towards. It feels so nostalgic in a matter speaking a breath of fresh air. It is not something that I can really explain via words, though maybe a picture might help in this instance.

All of this growth has sparked something within me which totally has messed with my understanding of abundant living. In these last 10 years I have experienced what I would call subsistence living. I went from pay check to pay check, month to month, wondering if I would have enough to pay the bills that I had accrued. Not a great feeling, and I know many can relate. I have recently had all of this challenged. Is it possible that I have misunderstood what it means to live and walk in abundance? Honestly, this question has haunted me for the last few years. It is quite difficult to live in a place knowing abundance should be mine, but always finding myself living in lack. It sucks when you see that the scripture says that we can live in abundance, but you see every circumstance turn on its head in a negative way. I never understood what the seeming problem was? However, this discrepancy began to drive me nuts. No one had answers and I was tired of living in frustration.

Somehow, I had over looked something so simple that I am sitting here kicking myself. One of the greatest themes in my life in the last few years has been the process of understanding the things that happen when we have a change in perspective. It is almost as if a whole new world opens up to us, though it had been there the whole time. When there is a shift of perspective what had originally been hidden begins to come into view. I chose to explore this idea as it pertains to the idea of abundance. What I noticed about my own thought process was that I had been completely focused on all of my expense and negative outcomes, that I really couldn’t see exactly what was coming in or what I actually had money for. This poses a HUGE problem for anyone who seeks to walk in abundance. From this place, we actually end up becoming “greedy” because we are focused on holding onto what we have. Whereas, if we could begin to understand what is coming in we would probably have a better understanding of the things we could give away. It’s easier to give away when you are aware that things are coming in. See the difference between the two is a flowing fresh water river, and a stagnant lake. One hoards water, the other distributes.

My understanding has changed a lot considering these ideas. I have begun to realize that those who typically are known for their giving, in the long run are the ones that have continually lived in abundance. Not that there are shaky months, but if you realize the amount that they have given away versus the “lack” they perceive, it might be astonishing just how much they have actually given away. What I am trying to say is, for some reason I am starting to believe that the abundance is found in what is given away rather than the things we are trying to hoard to ourselves. I really don’t have the best words to describe what I am getting at because I can see a glimmer of hope for those who feel like they have been doing so much yet haven’t reaped the benefits. Being in that place, I now wonder if maybe I have missed something. Can I be honest? For the longest time I have thought of abundance from a stand point of the total monetary or physical assets that a person has accumulated. This would fuel the fire of frustration because I was so focused on what everyone else had and what I was lacking. Being envious of others and comparing myself to them robbed me of something quite important. I am now aware that this definition is what causes the downward spiral of a poverty mindset.

A friend told me today, “…Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness; you will be enriched in everything for all liberality, which through us is producing thanksgiving to God.” I have seen this principle play out for my parents, but never thought much of it until now. I can only imagine how much my folks have given out monetarily as well as via other resources. My parents are not the most well off financially, but it always seems as if they have more in the tank to give others. I guess that is where I get my sense of generosity from.

Maybe the problem is that we give more attention to what we don’t have and trying to get those things rather than being thankful for what we do have and how we can use that to help others. My conclusion is that the abundant life is a life of generosity. If we aren’t willing to be generous we cannot expect to live abundantly. It is a life style that comes at a cost; as leadership requires service, abundance requires generosity.

The Battle with Rejection

There are few things in this world that can make me cringe internally, like the topic of rejection. It has been something that has been with me for almost 20 years in varying degrees. It viciously haunted my waking hours as well as my dreams. At some point it became more subtle and vexing often times sabotaging my life when I needed things to occur the most. My relationships, my dreams, my hopes and aspirations, even my education fell victim to this silent but deadly killer. Nothing sucks worse than to be beaten up by a foe you cannot even see or to see your dreams and relationships slip through your fingers like sand. I want to offer a bit of hope and possibly a new perspective for those who deal with rejection.

I have heard it said over and over as I was growing up from Adults, Christians, and even some well-meaning and intentioned friends, that rejection really isn’t that big of a deal.

“One must just get over it and move on.”

“Forget about what others think and do your own thing.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“If you trust God, then other people’s opinions about a subject wouldn’t even matter.”

“Don’t take it personally.”

“It’s their loss.”

“Pray for them.”

“You should go out more and make new friends.”

“Be thankful for the good in your life.”

All of these lovely gems are in my estimation a good attempt at trying to show concern, but some of the crappiest things that we could share with people going through rejection. If any of these things were that easy most people’s lives would look totally different than they do now. All that typically happens is that people either stuff the issues or deal with the symptoms never actually being free of that feeling of rejection that slowly corrodes the everyday lives that people live. Though some of these might have gems of wisdom to take from them, the delivery is rather impersonal and at times very impractical for someone who is walking through the forest of rejection.

My good friend and sister, Anny Donewald, shared this gem with me, “Although it’s true we should pray for them, no one wants to hear that shit when you’re cut and bleeding. The best thing to do when someone is going through that is to simply listen. Most of the time people just want and need to be heard.”

Janelle Evans another great friend offers a complimentary response, “Most of the time things people say aren’t really for you, but to help them avoid having to participate in your lament. Don’t comfort me with dumb phrases, just sit with me and wait for me to get over the sting. Well let me rephrase what I said about ‘avoiding’ participating in your lament. It’s not usually that they don’t care about your feelings; it’s just difficult for them to enter in. You’re in pain, and avoiding pain is a part of our natural self-preservation instinct. When we pick up on another’s pain, instead of entering it head on and sitting in it with our brothers/sisters while they mourn, we often feel a compulsive need to try and ease the
tension/uncomfortableness/awkwardness of the situation. We try to say something…some Band-Aid/quick fix words, which will ease our OWN discomfort with your pain. One thing I learned this year was that the greater the tragedy, the fewer the words which need to be spoken. We simply suffer together, trust that we must endure in the weeping but joy will return. ‘Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.”

After dealing with rejection for so long, I have actually begun to root these things out. Why is it so hard to be done with rejection which erodes the core of who I am? Well, thanks to my sister Anny who came up with the idea of rejection being like giving birth, I have a few solid thoughts concerning dealing with rejection. Any woman knows that giving birth is NOT easy. It is chaotic and at times messy. There are many people involved with giving birth as well. Firstly you have the Doctor/Midwife , usually the father of the child, the Doula, the Labor Nurse, the OB Tech, the Nursery Nurse, and Specialist as directed. If dealing with being reject is like giving birth, then the way that we have handled people who are rejected largely needs to change. One does not tell a pregnant mother to deal with the things she is going through callously. She is given the utmost support and care. The delivery is also done in a sterile environment which is a safe zone.

Knowing all of this I wonder why we are not able to give those who go through rejection the same kind of treatment. It is a tough issue as a whole to go through. One that has far reaching implications of not handled with care. Many are afflicted with the after effects of rejection gone wrong because things were not handled in an appropriate manner. Rejection often gives rise to a ton of nasty side effects and symptoms that are often times unnoticed until too late.

I want to offer some hope for those who realize they deal with rejection and its unsightly symptoms. Rejection is not something that has to rule your life or sabotage your future. The hardest thing is that you will need to acknowledge that you do deal with rejection and the issues it causes. Rather than running away from the issue, one will have to tackle it head on and owning the issue. This is not something that one can let slide. No sugar coating it! Own it! Own the fact that it is causing brokenness in your life. Own the fact that it’s creating a dynamic that you hate. Own the fact that it’s messing with relationships and dreams. That will be the most difficult part in dealing with the issue. Make no excuses for it being there, simply acknowledge its presence. As you are able to do that, it really sets YOU up to expel it from your life. Meaning when you are able to deal with rejection, you will also be dealing with its stupid symptoms as well. Yes, that means YOU as a person have to deal with the issue. It is not something that can be solved without you putting in the effort. You have to face your fears, the lies you have believed, replacing those lies with truths. There really is no place for excuses when dealing with issues like these. They must be tackled head on with RAW, UNCUT, and REAL honesty.

My friend and Author Praying Medic wrote a blog dealing with emotional healing that is a great summation of what I have also experienced. Dealing with rejection isn’t a complicated process; it is one that just needs to dealt with. It is one that may take multiple times dealing with, but ultimately there is always something to be gained as we walk through the process of dealing with the issue as a whole. In addition if you like psychology another article that might be good to look into would be a study in the stages of grief.

If you have any other questions or need to vent or work through some personal rejection issues, feel free to leave a comment.

When You See It...Everything Changes

Heart Cry

At times it would simply be easy to throw in the towel. After all that I have been through, the heart has a few black eyes, and bruises to match. It has taken more 1-2 punches than Glass Joe from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. Its legs are like jelly only holding on by sheer force of will. A belief that tomorrow...tomorrow will be the day the sun shines again and the nightmare will end. A ‘pinch me so I know that I am living in a reality where the skies are no longer black, but full of color’. Yet, the state of my heart is so tattered, weary, and abused at the moment. But, I find that I am okay with the way it is currently. I am fine that I can acknowledge that I am not okay. Though I am making things work externally, I know there is about to be a major surgery concerning my heart. My beat up heart is also quite calloused, thick like the hide of a rhinoceros, and as un-forgetting as an elephant. Though decked out in the combat gear, man this poor heart looks as if it has been on a tremendous battlefield for the past months with not a moment of reprieve. Weapons dull, ammunition dwindling to the last dozen rounds, armor dinged up with parts missing, it is a wonder that a heart such as this has lasted this long. Then I remember that this heart is a war veteran. It’s because of its experience that it has managed to survive for so long. Yet, if all that this heart is living for is survival, then it might just be good to call it quits. The promise wasn't to simply survive. The promise was to thrive and become something altogether wonderful. This isn't what was promised. Where are the reinforcements...the rest of the troops to help take territory???

Sobering Thoughts

Left with many questions this writer simply pauses to wonder...what is really going on? Where do I go from here? Is this really the path laid out for me or have I wandered into an unknown territory not meant for me. Yet, it was a quiet voice that beckoned me out of my comfort into this distant unknown. It was a familiar friend that said come with me as we go on the adventure of a life time. I could have said no at any point, but being captivated by the thought of an adventure, I decided to launch out to do something that I have never done before. I am not regretting that decision, but I wonder if I made the best choice. Not wanting to back out from the adventure, but simply wanting to know if I am in over my head currently. I have never been in so many fierce battles consecutively. Emotionally, physically and spiritually, I feel run down and sore. I have had Mach battles in times past, but this is something totally different. I do not like war. I do not like bloodshed. I do not like seeing how badly people can get beat up. But more than anything I hate the fact that it has exposed just how much I really do not know how to love well. I am not going to go on condemning myself; it is just hard when you realize you do not know how to love well. Seeing the holes and weaknesses is something that I can never really get used to. It is sobering but at the same time just frustrating. Especially when you feel that you should be farther along than what is being revealed. What does one begin to do though? Questions, There are just so many freaking questions.

The Sound

Midnight strolls, gazing at the stars...a breath taking sight to behold. In a moment in time all of creation seems to stand still as if to wait for the next word I would speak. Yet, only silence filled the atmosphere. In awe, was I. The moments that followed only served to remind me that my presence in this place was much more necessary that what I had first understood. City life, full of busyness, people always needing something to do otherwise boredom set in. Yet, country life was a total change of pace. I found that I could meander a bit. My walk became a saunter. It seemed as if the country carried within it, a rhythm all to itself.  Though most of the time it is not perceptible to those who are used to a fast paced existence. Yet, as we begin to slow down, awareness begins to take over and fragile details that we would usually crush by our clumsiness become more apparent. Beautifully intricate, they begin to captivate and bring us into a reality that is uncommon.

Life

Have you caught a glimpse of it yet, of true reality? Space and time bending at ones will. Subtle shifts in lighting revealing secrets of epic proportions. Convinced of what we seeing being what is, but there lies the fallacy. Taught to believe the lie…groomed to follow a mold mindlessly as if the brain had been put in a comatose state never to be activated again. However, somewhere in the dream like haze a brilliance of untold magnitude appeared altering perception and bringing life to that which was lifeless. The veritable light bulb had been switched on within the brain. An illumination was finally happening…a being was finally coming alive. What was this being coming alive too, though?

Lurking Shadows

Secrets, long held secrets, buried secrets, secrets veiled in darkness. Yes, longing to be left alone. Raspy voices all hissing as vipers to be left undisturbed. Shadows, menacing figures, on the backdrop of the imagination all fighting for dominance. It is the almighty lens from which they can direct the course of the future. Much like Smeagles ‘precious’ this is one lens that rules them all. For years these invisible invaders have held captive the maiden of destiny. How long she has struggled to be free only to be captured time and time again. Never one to give up hope, patiently she waited for her time. No one could have guessed that it would come as a suddenly. But brilliance has shown forth from the distance marking the exposure of the nasty shadowy invaders. What looked like ancient mythical beast such as the hydra, Minotaur, and even the great sphinx, showed forth to be nothing more than illusions created by tiny creatures. The maiden of destiny was held captive by small creatures that had barks that could strike terror into the soul…but had nothing to back up the bark. Had the lights been turned on sooner, they would have been exposed sooner. How foolish the warrior feels as he realizes that for years he had been thwarted by these tiny bits of insignificance. He realizes, there is nowhere to go from here but straight into the heart of where these little buggers had been seated.

Seat of Power

Only the truest of warriors understands the meaning of stepping foot on hallowed ground. Even so, to the jaded, it’s a feeling that becomes unbearable. Unworthiness sets in, becoming a weight unbearable. Every step towards the center seems to add a few more tons to the already huge load being carried. Guilt it crushes, as the inexplicable beauty captivates and dazzles the senses. Awe overwhelms as tears of grief and shame begin to crash forth, a tidal wave of bitter regret. Even so, an invisible force somehow compels forward motion. Step after heavy step is taken…in the distance you see it. It radiates an other worldly essence. It is attractive, inviting, yet calming to gaze upon. The light that shines forth would be blinding yet, in this place, vision is strengthened. Before, the heart can come to its senses hands…holy hands…divine hands are lifting the load from the shoulders of the weary warrior. Eyes trying to adjust to this new found clarity only to be stopped in his tracks as his gaze becomes locked and fixated on the King, who is now face to face with him. All at once everything is silent, save the guttural cries of the warrior. There is a hushed silence as this valiant warrior weeps. The King with his authority exclaims, ‘welcome home, your throne is there.’ With one gesture, he points to the radiantly glowing seat. ‘We have been expecting you. Now the party can really start.’ The warrior could not stop weeping because when he looked at the King, he could see himself. For in fact…the King was Him, but not Him. He knew who the king was but could not help but see himself inside of the king. All at once he know…he was in the most important place he had ever been. He was in the personal chambers of the King. The King himself has prepared a special place of honor for him.  The King had delivered on what he had promised. Yet, all this warrior could do was weep as he realized how loved he was.

Invisible Scripts: The Lies That Have Governed My Life

Invisible Scripts

I got an email the other day that has really had me thinking about my life. I decided to take on the challenge and take some time to figure out the hidden thoughts (invisible scripts) that I have believed most of my life that have impeded my journey to success. It never ceases to amaze me the things that can be uncovered as you pursue truth. The beacon of light shines brilliant as it eradicates a living darkness that tries to hide.

“I don’t have the skills necessary to get the job done.” – Often I will disqualify myself before I even start because I read things and think to myself…well the job requires this and I do not have ANY experience in this field. Sure I am willing to learn, but often see those requirements as inflexible and rigid. I am a Kinesiology Major who wants to spend my time making music with very little knowledge with music other than being a drummer and knowing how to keep rhythm. I feel like I am often disqualified from things before I am able to give them a try. Internally this is my biggest fear.

 “I feel wrong charging people money for a service that I can provide for free.” – I was taught that it’s not okay to charge people for services. That if you can do something, it’s better to give it for free. People will often times respect you more and will ultimately see your character shine through. I was also raised with the mindset that it is better to give that to receive. I mean I know I have different skill sets which all are used to equip people but never felt like people would really pay me for my time so it would be easier to just give my time away for free to gain rapport.

“I am not the leader type, who would actually want to follow me.” – I have typically been more of a behind the scenes guy. I like to stay out of the limelight and just make things work. As of late I have noticed that people always are looking to me for direction and it freaks me out because I like to be hidden. I had been told over and over that I don’t really have what it takes to be a leader, and that I must learn to follow if I want to be a successful leader. Most of the examples of great leaders I have seen were all the types of people who had this great charisma or ability to win a person with words…which is not me. I have felt because I don’t have the look of a leader then how could I possibly be a leader.

“If I only had the money…then I could do what I really wanted to.” – For most of my life money has always been a limiting factor in being able to take risks. I have been talked out of doing more things because of “wisdom” and “caution”. So I have grown to have this understanding that if you do not have the money for what you want to do, it may not actually be a feasible course of action. For example, I am a drummer. I have been a drummer for the last 20+ years. However, for most of my life I have not had a drum set to actually do what I need to do to take this thing to the place I want to go. Because of the lack of resources, I haven’t been able to pursue my dream in taking more lessons, purchasing a drum set, playing gigs, just investing in music period. I have figured if I don’t have the money, it is pretty impossible for me to do what I really want to do.

“I am not really business oriented; it’s not my strong suit.” – I definitely want to be wealthy, but doesn't it take a person who has a business like mind to make that work. I have never been able to readily identify what I have to offer the world outside of my consultant/counseling skills. I mean I know how to teach things and what not, but how does that even benefit me making any kind of money. Because of things like this I feel stuck. I feel like the way I think often is the obstacle for me becoming successful.

 “I don’t think I am capable of doing the task.” – Again I disqualify myself from being able to do things because of the perception of things being inflexible and rigid. I have an ability to adapt to my surroundings, but feel more often than not that I do not have the capability to accomplish the task set before me.

“I am not as bulky or big, so it doesn't look like I know what I am talking about health and fitness wise.” – I have been in a place where people judge based upon appearances and not necessarily the skills that one carries. I am 5’4 and 115 lbs as a male athlete. People do not take me seriously because I do not look like a body builder. I don’t try because I do not feel that people will take me serious because of my size. I want to be taken seriously because of what I have to offer and not because of what I look like.

My Thoughts

All of this seems quite horrible, as I sit down and read what I have written, but I cannot deny that this is what is going on inside of me. This isn't the politically correct way of thinking, I am quite aware of the problems that this presents…but the reality of it all is that my life has been informed by many of these things. My best decisions filtered through these belief systems. Perspectives informed by crappy ways of thinking. I took some time to do this as an exercise in becoming more familiar with myself and the factors that have been hindering my own progress.

I remember years ago that this was a practice that I would use to identify when I was allowing fear to be the controlling factor in my life. As I am growing out here in Texas I am finding that these subroutines or scripts inform more than just what I am aware of. It has gotten to a place where I am able to hear these things faintly as I am contemplating decisions I must make. In the past they were quite transparent and hardly visible. Now a days they are about as subtle as an elephant trying to sneak through a room with fine china placed neatly on the floor. They make SO much noise. Yet, I never realized they were the reason I was not moving forward or progressing towards what had been burning on my heart.

As I walked through all of this I realized that liberation could only begin to renovate my internal reality, as I gave it the freedom to illuminate the darkened caverns of my being. Sadly, the thing that always tends to happen is that the darkness becomes visible and begins to create a stink as it wants to stay as the dominant power. That becomes the sight of a battleground of epic proportions as belief systems collide, one being uprooted and the other being planted. What is planted must be nurtured, watered, given sunlight, and protected. Simply planting a new belief system offers very little lasting change if it is not influenced and built up by those who speak life into it.

These invisible scripts as dangerous as they are, often carry with them more detailed information that what we understand. Going through these for myself, I was able to identify relationships, time periods, and specific incidents where these things were built and fortified…and ultimately why I bought into them for so long. At times I often would glance over these details, but now realize that they are important as forgiveness always needs to take place where hurt and offense has crept in. See the exercise that I went through was for starting up a business, but I saw in it so many principles that connect to this one area that it was hard for me not to begin to play a game of connect the dots. Past experiences inform out present realities…something being so deep rooted that we are often put into a cycle of doing certain things without ever realizing that we are stuck in a feedback loop. It is as I began to pause that I realized crap…I was doing the same thing over and over 

again expecting a different result which Einstein defined as insanity.

Here starts the transition into areas of freedom in my heart that I have yet to experience. It has been given to me, but now it’s time to explore the territory. Never an easy task, but it is one that is worthwhile if done right. As always, the fork in the road appears a bit sooner than I expected. Just another decision that needs to be made from a place of courage and faith rather that fear and anxiety.

So here comes the BOOM…yet again!

The Journey Begins

The legend begins here. A silhouette that becomes the greatest image of my style and unconventional way of living. I have found the more I try and stay silent the more frustrated I become. I have decided that I might as well simply be myself and create to my hearts content regardless of the flack that I catch. This is the reason for this blog. My life is full of color as well as teachable moments. Nothing is as it appears. Life is full of smoke and mirrors, illusions that cause us to see things that are not there. Other times we see empty space only to run into a brick wall we had not perceived. I find that we live as being subject to reality rather than being the type of people that reality bends to. I prefer to be the latter. "Bout That Lyfe Chronicles" is about my journey to see that happen within my life and the world around me. It is a means of expressing myself to a degree that I have not done at any point in my life. It is a journey with friends and family as I ask them to also post bits and pieces of the journey that they have had with me and apart from me.

This photo to the right represents how I see reality. I was meant to defy common sense to do the impossible. I walk on water and create the greatest of storms. It is both beautiful and awesome. Clothed in a white robe (righteousness/purity), white hair (wisdom/knowledge/creativity), twin swords (writing/music). A warrior ready to take on a world that says that impossibility is an inevitability that we must accept at some point or another. I am linked with a group of people who understand this passionate side of me. Realistic...is not a word that I will ever let characterize who I am. I AM IMAGINATIVE! Being defined by the labels of others is a thing of the past. I am not weird, crazy or out there. I am a fellow human being who has a road all his own to travel. How I would have love to have others on this road, but I realize that this is simply a road for one. Those I love and cherish have there own paths to take and it would be detrimental for them to walk the road I am walking. Understanding that its okay to do what one needs to do on their own journey is important for developing into a mature yet child like person. Making tough decisions in the face of opposition is never an easy thing, but as I start my journey I am discerning the underlying value of being unique...being myself. 

Thank you for taking to stop by the page and join me on my journey. In the months to come I will expand on this idea of what it means to be "bout that lyfe." The implications are more than just a fancy change of lingo. It is a reflection of a life alteration.

Welcome to the BOUT THAT LYFE CHRONICLES

Check out my other blog as well.