Time Machine: Me A Year Ago

My fingers move frantically in a sporadic fashion….my thoughts slowly moving in and out of conscious space. Do I try typing what is in my mind or do I simply wait for that bolt of inspiration (I came back to do some edits because I decided to let my fingers just type). It is at this point where I stop and stare at this mountain that is seemingly barring my path to freedom. Many a writer will find themselves at this point …that mountain known as writers block (This place has prevented me from writing for 4 months now). For what reason, I know not, yet a worthy adversary it has proven to be these many years. This feeling in the pit of my stomach…things are vastly different than before. Change is what I feel, yet what is it that has changed? What is so different now than from before? Serenity…stillness has settled into my once wavering heart (A lot of my memories have started to be healed). The frantic pace that once consumed every part of me has become still.

Emotions that ran deep, with tints and hues to match also have become still. As colors blend, swirl, and accentuate each other on the palette of a master painter, so my emotions have now become. Oh how I love the clarity that has come. New language and vocabulary have captivated my heart clearly expressing my disdain for the mundane (Seeing everything from this lens causes everything to just look the same). There is no such thing has ordinary or common…unique, intricate, and personalized have things now become, rather my perception is now picking up on this reality. As a master taste tester can recognize every nuance in the dishes he samples so is it becoming for myself as I take time to steady my introspective gaze. This mountain that used to cause such melancholy disturbances within my soul has turned into a simple mole hill on my journey of growth.

For one whose vision was severely impaired because of fear, seeing in such a panoramic view is breath taking. Creation is much more vast and beautiful than I first realized (Colors, sights, sounds, even the range of emotions). The people I encounter on my journey each unique and different much like the various cells in my own body, each needing and wanting to be loved and understood in a unique and special way. There is no one size fits all plan in this world I am finding out (A point I cannot stress enough). Each has something that makes it special and unique. I am finding that for things to fit properly, they need to be tailor made. Yes, it takes a lot more work and effort to tailor make things. However, the benefits outweigh the costs. When one makes something that is designed for one specific person…usually the quality, time spent, and effort going into these things sky rockets (Most of the time people pour themselves into what is being made). Yes, it also means that the amount one can produce is severely diminishes, however, the ability to focus and create based upon the nature of the person you are making the item for goes up. Also time spent with said person increases the capacity to adventure and stumble on to new ideas that might bless them. The tailor making process is not one that can be rushed (Creativity does not flourish under pressure). It is one where an intimate amount of time is taken to produce something that will fit properly, beautifully, just the way the person receiving the item needs it. Despite how many other people might feel about what you are doing…the only person that really matters is the one you are tailoring the good for. If they like what has been created, it fits well, and it suits them…there is not much more one can ask for.

I have begun to realize just how important this process is as I continue learning about myself and others. One cannot simply stop walking forward simply at the behest of someone else, who is on their own road, to do all of the exact same things the same way. Though it might work, it is not going to be the best way to do it. For example, I am 5’5 and 125 lbs. Yet I am NOT built like other people my size. See, I have a rather short torso, long legs, and long arms. Unknowing to me, I did not realize these mechanical differences were important for my development as an athlete. I was always taught text book technique for playing sports. Which means it was a mass production of how athletes are supposed to run, jump, and throw. There was one problem…it was all based off athletes whose bodies were pretty proportional to one another…which I DID NOT FIT!

Being 5’5 with long levers meant that I would have to do things a bit differently, so I do not put unnecessary strain on my body. Yet, I was never told this as I grew and developed. So as a baseball player I spent most of my high school years with bicep tendinitis because no one caught on that I was doing things in a way that was making my underdeveloped body scream out in pain. Though, I knew something was wrong…people didn't may much attention to me. They knew better than I did what I needed and how I needed it. I should have been more adamant back then, but there is nothing I can do about it now. See mechanically my body could not handle the stress or strain of following the mass produced mold of doing things. It actually caused much more damage to me than good. Though I learned many things, I am glad that damage suffered was not irreversible.

Experiences that I had long forgot are now starting to pop up and remind me of the value of learning how to walk your own path (Not the path that people expect you to walk, but the one you were designed and created to walk). I am learning how to take advice and correction, tailoring it so that it fits perfectly. I was never meant to walk in the shoes or footsteps of any other person, because time taken trying to walk in their footsteps, down their roads, is less time spent walking down the road that I was meant for. Honestly speaking, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” Yet, one of the scary/frustrating things that I have been seeing is that, if you do not take a person’s advice as it is given, offense will pile up. I am unsure why this happens, and why people feel so slighted, why I have felt so slighted when people didn’t follow my opinion and advice perfectly.

Maybe it is because we feel little value if things are not followed perfectly, or the subtle pride of feeling as if we need to have people follow after us because somewhere down in our hearts be believe we have these things figured out perfectly (I have been guilty of doing this in the past). Either way, I have come to a place where I realize people have to work their own lives out. The path people will walk will differ, and it becomes unreasonable to ask them to travel a road they were never equipped to walk down. For me to share what has helped me grow and developed is a great thing to do, but to expect people to walk those things I have shared, in the way I have walked them out is totally stupid.

I am a 27 year old kid. I have so much to learn (Yes I did just call myself a kid). But I have to learn it as I walk the path laid before me. I am finding that it is neither disrespectful nor dishonoring to remind people of such things (Contrary to popular belief and what many are taught about honor). I may not have your life experience, but the reality is this…there will be no one on this planet that shares all the same experiences as I do. There will be no one on this planet that perceives those experiences the way I do or are affected by said experiences the way I am. It is always honorable to hear someone out and be thankful for the heart behind the thoughts spoken, but not everything has to be implemented or even considered (This is the part that is hard for many to swallow…especially parents and religious leaders). I am finding that it is less about who is right or wrong, but learning to care for people in the process. My responses should never be dictated by another.

Knowing that I am a powerful person and have the power to choose how I will respond to any given situation has helped alleviate the pressure of having to conform to what is “expected” of me (Expectations can kill a person before they even begin their own journey). I am not bound to expectation. There is so much freedom in learning that no one else can dictate to me what I should, what I need to, what I have to, or what the right thing to do is. Fear is a limitation. It will always be. Rejection, shame, guilt, condemnation, and pride are all limiters on what it means to live in the fullest expression of freedom. They rob you of the ability to consciously choose how you will operate. Yet, conversely learning how to LOVE actually will empower you to make hard choices and value those you come into contact with.

Let's Talk Porn Pt. 2

After getting such great feedback from PART 1 of the blog, I decided to set out sometime to dive into Part 2, which really is just my own journey through dealing with porn and why I have such a vendetta against the industry.

It is always a bit unnerving sharing this part of my life with people because of the stigma that is attached to the whole idea of pornography, given by the church. See I got my start into pornography...rather viewing porn when I was 13 years old. Back in 1999. I remember it clearly. I walked into one of the bathrooms of my junior high and mistakenly caught a classmate masturbating to a dirty magazine. He thought I was going to rat him out so he gave me the magazine, so as to make me his accomplice. That one moment...changed my life...

In a time where internet filters were no where to be found, and 56k dial-up modems were the norm...I found myself on the computer at all hours of the day and or night depending on if my parents were at home or going to be home...searching all types of crazy shit. Most of the time I was too afraid to actually search porn, so I would search for adult like content that could achieve the same gratification that a hardcore porn site or magazine would offer me. See my descent into pornography was actually very gradual. Up until I was about 15 I wasn't very intrigued by naked women. The reason...one word...PUBERTY. At 15 a massive transformation dramatically occurred. I discovered my sex drive...unfortunately...it had an appetite that I could not control or manage.

Before I realized it. The girls around me started dressing differently. I saw more skin than I could handle. The dancing changed from being silly to being provocative and seductive. What's more DSL become available at home. We finally had an upgraded internet connection. Then throw on top that I was dealing with MAJOR DEPRESSION. All of these factors spelled my doom from my high school years. See for me, high school was the most miserable time of my life. I wasn't like my peers. I was a wanderer...the lone wolf...the outcast. Well, I was wanted around for certain purposes (being the kid that has a ton of rather odd skills pays off at times I guess). The cure for the hurt...you guessed it...porn. I wouldn't be made fun of for my height or other more personal things. Even as I write this...I feel a special seething hatred towards certain individuals on my 2004 high school baseball team for the nickname they gave me (...Nipples...). All year that is what I was called and how they addressed me at practice. Ya...what did I do...I would go home...and look at porn to relieve my hurting heart.

See for me the reality was I had something on my hands that would almost instantly take the pain of my heart away...or so I thought. High school was rough for another reason...CHURCH. Adults really do not know how much damage they do to teenagers without realizing it. See sometimes I think church folk are the worst. I got to hear how they dogged my peers who had sex outside of wedlock. I got to see how they were demonized. I got to hear how people were punished and taken out of the things that were bringing them out of a place of guilt and shame. It is about that time that I decided that I would NEVER EVER share what I was dealing with. I never wanted to be shamed and talked about like that. Yet, that is also when I got another label within my youth group...(Mr. Super Spiritual...).

My senior year of high school is when I started to notice how addictive porn was. I decided it was time that I stopped. OH HOW I TRIED. I was looking for solutions EVERYWHERE. I was out of options because I couldn't talk to my parents...they would freak out. I couldn't talk to people at the church I had already seen how they treated others...I knew what fate would befall me if I said anything. I couldn't talk to my teachers because they would get my parents involved. My friends were of no use...well because I didn't really have any. I never had felt despair like that...even after all of the years of depression...this was something unique. Couple that on the fact that I was lying while I was going through these purity classes that we had at our church...I felt dirty...I felt like the scum of the earth.

I would spend the next 8 years in a constant state of struggle and war with an addiction. Ultimately, I would lose my virginity because of this war.

 All of college was a pain in the ass. Why? Well...I went to a Christian institution. Porn was like the cardinal sin at the time. Mind you, I had no understanding of grace. I thought being a christian was all about performance. So you had to maintain an exterior of excellence and piety. Well, while trying to do that...I saw one of my favorite professors sent to jail because of porn. It was the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I had ever seen anything like that. It shook me to the core. Again I made a silent vow to NEVER EVER share whats going on in the depths of my heart. Up to this point I had never seen anyone beat porn. I had seen it devastate lives and I thought mine was about to be totally broken.

I remember driving on my way back to the university with tears in my eyes..."God will I ever be free? Am I doomed to be trapped for the rest of my life...feeling this...this black spot of shame and guilt?" In a clear moment God responded as lightning and said, "NO!"

I have held on to that to this day. A promise from a loving Dad to a son who wants nothing more than to be the shining example of purity and redemption. I sit and I write. I reflect on where I have been. I meditate on where God has brought me from. Closer today than I was yesterday. More free than I have ever been in my life. At a place in my life where I can openly admit the struggle and the fight I have been in since I was 18 and decided I didn't want this for my life. I am now 27 wanting to settle down, and establish a family in the near future. I have heard it so many times said, that if you are dealing with porn, you are not fit to start a family. I have believed that for such a long time....

BUT....

I now am in a place to say...FUCK THAT!!!!

I will not let my past define me. I will not let the challenges set me back! I am who God says I am. I AM VICTORIOUS! I AM FORGIVEN! I AM HEALED!

As I spend time with God, I realize the issue is no longer about porn. It is simply about understanding the righteousness He has given me and learning how to operate in it. For so long I have been operating out of the wrong operating system and it has been screwing everything. He redefined my operating system and I see more victories than I do failures. I live in more freedom than I have even known in my life. For that I am extremely grateful.

Remember that vendetta I was talking about?

Yes I want to absolutely obliterate this thing from the face of the universe.

Why?

Men and women I love have been victims of this industry.
Those I love and care about have been kidnapped and forced into the industry.
Some I know personally have been rescued from the industry.

The scars that it has left these people with...can never really be accurately described.

Even more so...I never want my children to have to suffer the way I have suffered, and the way I have caused others to suffer because of this industry and its lure.

I don't want to have to see my nephews go through the pain, the shame, the disgrace, the guilt that I had to go through. They deserve better than that.

Yet, for those who are struggling...who feel trapped...who have no one to talk to...who want to be free...I will always have a soft spot for them. Because...I know as a young man what it feels like to have your hope, joy, passion, and freedom stripped from you.

I think of those who are my little brothers in the faith, who have confided in me. The weight of the pain they carry.

THIS MUST STOP!

And I say it STARTS with ME!