Let's Talk Porn Pt. 2

After getting such great feedback from PART 1 of the blog, I decided to set out sometime to dive into Part 2, which really is just my own journey through dealing with porn and why I have such a vendetta against the industry.

It is always a bit unnerving sharing this part of my life with people because of the stigma that is attached to the whole idea of pornography, given by the church. See I got my start into pornography...rather viewing porn when I was 13 years old. Back in 1999. I remember it clearly. I walked into one of the bathrooms of my junior high and mistakenly caught a classmate masturbating to a dirty magazine. He thought I was going to rat him out so he gave me the magazine, so as to make me his accomplice. That one moment...changed my life...

In a time where internet filters were no where to be found, and 56k dial-up modems were the norm...I found myself on the computer at all hours of the day and or night depending on if my parents were at home or going to be home...searching all types of crazy shit. Most of the time I was too afraid to actually search porn, so I would search for adult like content that could achieve the same gratification that a hardcore porn site or magazine would offer me. See my descent into pornography was actually very gradual. Up until I was about 15 I wasn't very intrigued by naked women. The reason...one word...PUBERTY. At 15 a massive transformation dramatically occurred. I discovered my sex drive...unfortunately...it had an appetite that I could not control or manage.

Before I realized it. The girls around me started dressing differently. I saw more skin than I could handle. The dancing changed from being silly to being provocative and seductive. What's more DSL become available at home. We finally had an upgraded internet connection. Then throw on top that I was dealing with MAJOR DEPRESSION. All of these factors spelled my doom from my high school years. See for me, high school was the most miserable time of my life. I wasn't like my peers. I was a wanderer...the lone wolf...the outcast. Well, I was wanted around for certain purposes (being the kid that has a ton of rather odd skills pays off at times I guess). The cure for the hurt...you guessed it...porn. I wouldn't be made fun of for my height or other more personal things. Even as I write this...I feel a special seething hatred towards certain individuals on my 2004 high school baseball team for the nickname they gave me (...Nipples...). All year that is what I was called and how they addressed me at practice. Ya...what did I do...I would go home...and look at porn to relieve my hurting heart.

See for me the reality was I had something on my hands that would almost instantly take the pain of my heart away...or so I thought. High school was rough for another reason...CHURCH. Adults really do not know how much damage they do to teenagers without realizing it. See sometimes I think church folk are the worst. I got to hear how they dogged my peers who had sex outside of wedlock. I got to see how they were demonized. I got to hear how people were punished and taken out of the things that were bringing them out of a place of guilt and shame. It is about that time that I decided that I would NEVER EVER share what I was dealing with. I never wanted to be shamed and talked about like that. Yet, that is also when I got another label within my youth group...(Mr. Super Spiritual...).

My senior year of high school is when I started to notice how addictive porn was. I decided it was time that I stopped. OH HOW I TRIED. I was looking for solutions EVERYWHERE. I was out of options because I couldn't talk to my parents...they would freak out. I couldn't talk to people at the church I had already seen how they treated others...I knew what fate would befall me if I said anything. I couldn't talk to my teachers because they would get my parents involved. My friends were of no use...well because I didn't really have any. I never had felt despair like that...even after all of the years of depression...this was something unique. Couple that on the fact that I was lying while I was going through these purity classes that we had at our church...I felt dirty...I felt like the scum of the earth.

I would spend the next 8 years in a constant state of struggle and war with an addiction. Ultimately, I would lose my virginity because of this war.

 All of college was a pain in the ass. Why? Well...I went to a Christian institution. Porn was like the cardinal sin at the time. Mind you, I had no understanding of grace. I thought being a christian was all about performance. So you had to maintain an exterior of excellence and piety. Well, while trying to do that...I saw one of my favorite professors sent to jail because of porn. It was the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I had ever seen anything like that. It shook me to the core. Again I made a silent vow to NEVER EVER share whats going on in the depths of my heart. Up to this point I had never seen anyone beat porn. I had seen it devastate lives and I thought mine was about to be totally broken.

I remember driving on my way back to the university with tears in my eyes..."God will I ever be free? Am I doomed to be trapped for the rest of my life...feeling this...this black spot of shame and guilt?" In a clear moment God responded as lightning and said, "NO!"

I have held on to that to this day. A promise from a loving Dad to a son who wants nothing more than to be the shining example of purity and redemption. I sit and I write. I reflect on where I have been. I meditate on where God has brought me from. Closer today than I was yesterday. More free than I have ever been in my life. At a place in my life where I can openly admit the struggle and the fight I have been in since I was 18 and decided I didn't want this for my life. I am now 27 wanting to settle down, and establish a family in the near future. I have heard it so many times said, that if you are dealing with porn, you are not fit to start a family. I have believed that for such a long time....

BUT....

I now am in a place to say...FUCK THAT!!!!

I will not let my past define me. I will not let the challenges set me back! I am who God says I am. I AM VICTORIOUS! I AM FORGIVEN! I AM HEALED!

As I spend time with God, I realize the issue is no longer about porn. It is simply about understanding the righteousness He has given me and learning how to operate in it. For so long I have been operating out of the wrong operating system and it has been screwing everything. He redefined my operating system and I see more victories than I do failures. I live in more freedom than I have even known in my life. For that I am extremely grateful.

Remember that vendetta I was talking about?

Yes I want to absolutely obliterate this thing from the face of the universe.

Why?

Men and women I love have been victims of this industry.
Those I love and care about have been kidnapped and forced into the industry.
Some I know personally have been rescued from the industry.

The scars that it has left these people with...can never really be accurately described.

Even more so...I never want my children to have to suffer the way I have suffered, and the way I have caused others to suffer because of this industry and its lure.

I don't want to have to see my nephews go through the pain, the shame, the disgrace, the guilt that I had to go through. They deserve better than that.

Yet, for those who are struggling...who feel trapped...who have no one to talk to...who want to be free...I will always have a soft spot for them. Because...I know as a young man what it feels like to have your hope, joy, passion, and freedom stripped from you.

I think of those who are my little brothers in the faith, who have confided in me. The weight of the pain they carry.

THIS MUST STOP!

And I say it STARTS with ME!

Let's Talk Porn Pt. 1

Lately, I have been quite busy on the thinking front. Some major life issues have been brought to my attention. I thought I would spend sometime processing my thoughts in a way that would not only benefit myself, but also the world around me. So I decided to dedicate my next few (probably 4 or 5) posts to the topic of pornography. Fortunately, I won't be talking about pornography much in this first blog. I will be spending my time on the entertainment world and many of the things I see happening that help fuel this multi-billion dollar industry.

All you have to do these days is get on google and search the images for your favorite actors and actresses to be bombarded with photos one may never have dreamed of seeing even 10 years ago. By searching "Miley Cyrus" you will see a mix of photos from when she was married, a teen acting star, and well now...the adult years. You can do the same for Brittney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson, Justin Beiber, Justin Timberlake, Channing Tatum, just for kicks Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Don Jon)...as well as many others.

In order for me to write this, I did a preliminary scan. I was shocked at what I found. I was born in an era...the 80's where it was still inappropriate to show a lot of skin. Love scenes that had any kind of sexual charge or tension were not allowed on any of the sit-com's we watched.  Kissing scenes were highly diminished. Shoot, I think the Cosby show was the first show that I saw a husband and a wife sharing a bed. Before that it was a taboo.

Fast-forward and now you can find sex on pretty much any sit-com you watch. Some of which include...the Scandal, Grey's Anatomy, How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory...and others. Now because these shows have sexual over and undertones does it mean stop watching them...well not necessarily. I am not a fan of a one size fits all way of thinking. I personally believe we should learn how to govern ourselves in a manner which is healthy and promotes an empowering way of living life. That all being said, I do feel that the natural course of action after watching such shows it to emulate, experiment, and make many of these types of scenes happen in our everyday life.

Let's not forget the music industry and how it ties into all of this. Ever take the time to listen to the lyrics of today's popular music. Ever notice how sexually supercharged they are. At points I just turn it all of in favor is purely instrumental music because I feel a constant tension of trying to find lyrics that are both deep and not super crass. Country music, Hip Hop, Pop, R&B well...its changed so much over the years. Hardly any of it is "safe". I was raised in a very conservative manner so I do still carry some of those ideas. Yet, even so...many are becoming desensitized to the reality of what is going on in our entertainment industry as a whole.

Being bombarded by images, lyrics, and reality, day after day does something to inform how we look at our every day life. It really is easy to see that society is super charged and saturated with sex. It really is no wonder to me that the Porn Industry is such a lucrative business these days.

What really frustrates me is how deceptively marketable the industry is as a whole. Here are some stats as of 2010.

Number of internet users viewing porn, every second = 28,000 

Average monthly unique visitors to pornographic websites from 2005 and 2008 = 75 million 

Percentage of search engine request related to pornography = 25% 

Number of new pornographic websites that appear online every day = 266 

Approximate number of English-language websites that distribute child pornography = 3,000 

Amount spent on internet pornography every second = $89 

Estimated revenue generated by pornography In the US in 2006 including 2.84 billion from online pornograph = 13 Billion 

Approximate world wide revenue generated by pornography annually, as of 2006 = 97 Billion

 Those numbers are just from three years ago. Can you imagine what that looks like now just from an economic and business stand point.

From just this alone, I simply am not surprised why we see so many issues within the church concerning this topic. Unfortunately, I like many others, have been a victim, as well as willing participant in this industry without ever knowing the lasting effects it would have on myself and others until years down the road.

I have seen leaders, students, teachers, husbands, wives, sisters and brothers all struggle with this. I personally have had enough.

My vendetta against this industry runs deep.

It is time to break the silence.