Time Machine: Back to the Beginning

This blog comes as a breath of fresh air as well as one of my more adventurous endeavors. The last few weeks have been nothing short of breath taking. The things I have encountered, the knowledge gained, and the wisdom imparted to me have kept me in a state of cerebral overload. As I take the time to sit and write, I am recalling one of the important questions that was posed to me during all that has been taking place. The question was this: “If you could go back to when you first became a Christian what would you share with yourself?” At first I felt like I had nothing to offer, but soon began to realize that it was not that I had nothing to offer its that I couldn’t boil down all the thoughts I really had. Spending time with this question I have found a few key things that I would share, teach, show myself. 

 

1. God loves you with no strings attached. – As seemingly in your face this might be, I remember being a kid that struggled through performance based living. Affection, praise, correction, and many other things were predicated on how I performed. Although it was never the intention of people around me to teach me this, I learned at a young age that ones performance dictated the kind of response you could get from the world around you. Perfection was the name of the game. If it wasn’t perfect, it was worthless. Although people’s words were flowery and full of what many would call “good” theology. All it taught me was good behavior is all you need for God. If I could go back to talk with my younger self, I would share in great detail the journey I went on, what I went through, and the most important thing I learned through my journey. My performance never changed how God looked at me. His love for me was just as great when I got my purity ring as it was when I lost my virginity. In His eyes, I was spotless and clean and there was nothing I could do to ever change that. I was considered righteous not because of how I performed but because of what Jesus did for me.

2. God did it for you and didn’t ask for your permission. – I know many people are going to be thinking how could you say that? Simply put. Before I was born…Christ died for me. Before I had the chance to sin or do anything wrong…Jesus died on that cross for me. I didn’t have a choice in the matter. What’s even better…the Lamb of God was slain before the foundation of the Earth. Go fig. Before Adam and Eve…Jesus had already paid the price. He already paid the ransom for us. How that works I do not know. What I do know is that Jesus did it for me before I could tell Him “yes” or “no”. So let me make this abundantly clear, I am not saying that we do not need to RESPOND to Christ because I believe we all have to make that choice. However, from His point of view forgiveness and reconciliation are a done deal and they are gifts that are already extended waiting for pick up. I was made righteous by his actions not my own. This is one of those sovereign God moves that I could not stop. Now don’t get it twisted I am not saying everyone is going to Heaven. However, I am saying that God doesn’t have to choose to forgive anymore since at the Cross that is what echoed across the universe. Being chosen by God means that his disposition towards you will NEVER change. You are chosen, esteemed, valued, and loved. All of that is determined before you could ever do anything or offer anything.

3. Everything centers around and finds its meaning in Christ. – This is another major thing I wish I had of know. One of the lessons I wished would have been modeled for me is what it looks like to daily walk with Jesus in such an intimate way. Being raised in a Pentecostal/Baptist home (my mom operated in a Pentecostal manner and my dad as a Baptist) I never really understood or saw consistently what it looked like to relate to Christ in a normal way. There were traditions and ways we just HAD to do things. Now at 27 I realize there are no formulas with God. The center of life is walking with Jesus. It is knowing Jesus. Not just knowing theology, but knowing the person…the Jewish Man himself. It would honestly take true discipleship which I never experienced. Nothing was made practical or plain. Nothing demonstrated. It was theoretical. I would share that questions are important. Don’t simply settle for “good” theology. There is more to this than just having everything right! Jesus wants you to know Him and He wants to know you. That is the place you will find fulfillment. Words can’t describe it. It is a place you must traverse for yourself.

4. Grace is not a doctrine nor a theology He is a person! – After being stuck in so many cycles and what not I have come to realize I got some pretty shitty advice as I grew up. For the longest time I honestly thought there was a way that you could abuse grace and God would throw you out for it. I have since matured and come to understand that grace just like love comes without conditions. Actually, if you wanna kick a habit, its actually grace that empowers you to do that. Even when you screw up 99 times it will still be grace that keeps you moving forward into the freedom that was purchased for us. Yes, even after willful stupidity grace still empowers us. WHY? God promised to never leave us nor forsake us. Saying that grace would be taken away from us is just like saying Jesus is fed up with us…NEVER GONNA HAPPEN! Jesus is the grace of God that appeared and that continues to teach us to deny ungodliness. Even better…where sin abounds…there JESUS IS ALL THE MORE! Why it is his kindness that leads us to a change of mind or as the old folks would say, leads us to repentance. Grace isn’t a theology. It is a person who is intimately acquainted with our short comings and failures. Yet, he is determined to stick with us to teach us how to overcome all of those things! When we understand who grace is, it becomes impossible to abuse it. Coming in contact with grace begins to change us from the inside out. Which is remarkable!

5. Jesus is your model. Holy Spirit is your guide. The Father is your strength. -This right here is something I am passionate about. All of the other things that I have shared are quite important to me, yet this right here is where my fire starts burning. Being born with a prophetic edge has led to more than one issue with my gifts being abused, misused, misunderstood, or degraded. At 27 I started to understand the importance of Jesus being my model for everything. Not a pastor, not an evangelist, not an apostle, but Christ Himself. Unknowingly I had lived my life in such a way that I was trying to emulate other people rather than Christ. To the point where I would much rather have someone else’ amazing exegesis of a text rather than the simplicity of Christ. I went for natural wisdom rather than the wisdom of God also known as Christ. I subtly had been opposed to Jesus because I was sticking with doctrines and belief systems that actually prevented me from seeing Jesus manifested in the world around me. I was often told to be careful because it isn’t what Jesus would do…or that stuff stopped with the last apostles. I am so glad I was wrong!!! See, I didn’t learn about the person of the Holy Spirit until college. When I finally met Him I was SOOOOO pissed off. Why wasn’t I taught this earlier in my life? I never knew I was supposed to have a guide on the journey. Life drastically changed when I met Him. What I thought was wise became foolish. People started to look at me with strange looks because I would do some off the wall things…only to see amazing transformations happen within others as well as myself. I remember my last semester of college I put Him to the test. I said if you want me to know scripture you are gonna have to teach it to me first hand. I will not open a bible at all because I absolutely know nothing anymore. You teach me from the ground up. OH MY GOODNESS!!!! WHAT AN ADVENTURE! I learned more scripture in the semester than at any point in my life trying to memorize scripture. HOLY CRUD! He was doing things that I had never heard of before. Better yet, it freaked people out because…He began to show me what prophecy, words of knowledge, and words of wisdom were. The gifts were alive and well. Years later, I meet the Father. It was another one of those moments where I was like…THE HECK?!?! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE SHOW ME HIM SOONER??!?!?!? That is where I currently am right. One face to face encounter with the Father changed so much about my life. All I can say is, when you meet Him you will know. You will understand what real strength is. You will throw everything away simply to be with Him.

These are just a few of the things I wish I had of learned when I was introduced to Jesus for the first time. The journey hasn’t been horrible, but there are so many things I could have avoided and so much more peace I could have encountered had I known some of these things. I have no regrets in my life up to this point. Yet, I do know if I had the chance to go back and share these things with myself I would. So many things would be different. The most major lesson would be simply learn to love. Learn to LOVE HARD! Don’t worry if people think you are crazy. SIMPLY LOVE! And watch God do what he does through you!

The Battle with Rejection

There are few things in this world that can make me cringe internally, like the topic of rejection. It has been something that has been with me for almost 20 years in varying degrees. It viciously haunted my waking hours as well as my dreams. At some point it became more subtle and vexing often times sabotaging my life when I needed things to occur the most. My relationships, my dreams, my hopes and aspirations, even my education fell victim to this silent but deadly killer. Nothing sucks worse than to be beaten up by a foe you cannot even see or to see your dreams and relationships slip through your fingers like sand. I want to offer a bit of hope and possibly a new perspective for those who deal with rejection.

I have heard it said over and over as I was growing up from Adults, Christians, and even some well-meaning and intentioned friends, that rejection really isn’t that big of a deal.

“One must just get over it and move on.”

“Forget about what others think and do your own thing.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“If you trust God, then other people’s opinions about a subject wouldn’t even matter.”

“Don’t take it personally.”

“It’s their loss.”

“Pray for them.”

“You should go out more and make new friends.”

“Be thankful for the good in your life.”

All of these lovely gems are in my estimation a good attempt at trying to show concern, but some of the crappiest things that we could share with people going through rejection. If any of these things were that easy most people’s lives would look totally different than they do now. All that typically happens is that people either stuff the issues or deal with the symptoms never actually being free of that feeling of rejection that slowly corrodes the everyday lives that people live. Though some of these might have gems of wisdom to take from them, the delivery is rather impersonal and at times very impractical for someone who is walking through the forest of rejection.

My good friend and sister, Anny Donewald, shared this gem with me, “Although it’s true we should pray for them, no one wants to hear that shit when you’re cut and bleeding. The best thing to do when someone is going through that is to simply listen. Most of the time people just want and need to be heard.”

Janelle Evans another great friend offers a complimentary response, “Most of the time things people say aren’t really for you, but to help them avoid having to participate in your lament. Don’t comfort me with dumb phrases, just sit with me and wait for me to get over the sting. Well let me rephrase what I said about ‘avoiding’ participating in your lament. It’s not usually that they don’t care about your feelings; it’s just difficult for them to enter in. You’re in pain, and avoiding pain is a part of our natural self-preservation instinct. When we pick up on another’s pain, instead of entering it head on and sitting in it with our brothers/sisters while they mourn, we often feel a compulsive need to try and ease the
tension/uncomfortableness/awkwardness of the situation. We try to say something…some Band-Aid/quick fix words, which will ease our OWN discomfort with your pain. One thing I learned this year was that the greater the tragedy, the fewer the words which need to be spoken. We simply suffer together, trust that we must endure in the weeping but joy will return. ‘Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.”

After dealing with rejection for so long, I have actually begun to root these things out. Why is it so hard to be done with rejection which erodes the core of who I am? Well, thanks to my sister Anny who came up with the idea of rejection being like giving birth, I have a few solid thoughts concerning dealing with rejection. Any woman knows that giving birth is NOT easy. It is chaotic and at times messy. There are many people involved with giving birth as well. Firstly you have the Doctor/Midwife , usually the father of the child, the Doula, the Labor Nurse, the OB Tech, the Nursery Nurse, and Specialist as directed. If dealing with being reject is like giving birth, then the way that we have handled people who are rejected largely needs to change. One does not tell a pregnant mother to deal with the things she is going through callously. She is given the utmost support and care. The delivery is also done in a sterile environment which is a safe zone.

Knowing all of this I wonder why we are not able to give those who go through rejection the same kind of treatment. It is a tough issue as a whole to go through. One that has far reaching implications of not handled with care. Many are afflicted with the after effects of rejection gone wrong because things were not handled in an appropriate manner. Rejection often gives rise to a ton of nasty side effects and symptoms that are often times unnoticed until too late.

I want to offer some hope for those who realize they deal with rejection and its unsightly symptoms. Rejection is not something that has to rule your life or sabotage your future. The hardest thing is that you will need to acknowledge that you do deal with rejection and the issues it causes. Rather than running away from the issue, one will have to tackle it head on and owning the issue. This is not something that one can let slide. No sugar coating it! Own it! Own the fact that it is causing brokenness in your life. Own the fact that it’s creating a dynamic that you hate. Own the fact that it’s messing with relationships and dreams. That will be the most difficult part in dealing with the issue. Make no excuses for it being there, simply acknowledge its presence. As you are able to do that, it really sets YOU up to expel it from your life. Meaning when you are able to deal with rejection, you will also be dealing with its stupid symptoms as well. Yes, that means YOU as a person have to deal with the issue. It is not something that can be solved without you putting in the effort. You have to face your fears, the lies you have believed, replacing those lies with truths. There really is no place for excuses when dealing with issues like these. They must be tackled head on with RAW, UNCUT, and REAL honesty.

My friend and Author Praying Medic wrote a blog dealing with emotional healing that is a great summation of what I have also experienced. Dealing with rejection isn’t a complicated process; it is one that just needs to dealt with. It is one that may take multiple times dealing with, but ultimately there is always something to be gained as we walk through the process of dealing with the issue as a whole. In addition if you like psychology another article that might be good to look into would be a study in the stages of grief.

If you have any other questions or need to vent or work through some personal rejection issues, feel free to leave a comment.

The Bible: Law 2.0

Well now that you have read the title, I am sure you might be wondering what I mean. If you have taken any time to read my blogs you will know that I am a proponent of radical grace in all aspects and areas of life. I personally believe the law is utterly useless and full of crap. (Put down the stones…I see you back there…). I am sure many of you who are reading this have your guards put up and defenses strengthened. I can promise you, this blog isn’t what you might think, though there are aspects that will probably thoroughly offend some. It is not my intent to offend anyone or beat people down. I see that happening in the church quite frequently as it is. I hope this will provide relief, peace, and freedom.

So contrary how the title itself sounds, I actually do enjoy the bible. I find it has a ton of great lessons, nuggets of wisdom, sage advice, exhortation, and admonition. It definitely has a ton of uses which I am not knocking the least. As I have been on the receiving end of many of its blessings. I am not bringing that into question at all. So if I am not disputing those things, then what am I getting at? Well I am glad you asked...

I once had the privilege of meeting an author whom I thoroughly enjoyed. Their writing was captivating and inspiring. As they masterfully strung words together, I would always find myself in another realm. If they talked about a morning breeze and dew on the ground, I could almost tangibly feel it on my skin. I could read this authors books over and over. Can you imagine my surprise when I was able to meet this amazing writer in person? I fumbled over my words, but expressed how I loved everything that I had read, how I felt so drawn to them as a writer. It was as if I had known that person all of my life. However, reality came crashing down as the author asked my name and who he was autographing the book for. I soon realized that even though I was familiar with the writing of that great author, I was not familiar to him or with him. See I knew the authors writings, but I did not know the author. But even more of a blow to my ego was the fact that the author did not even recognize me.

The same could be said of many Christians today? While the vast majority of Christians are familiar with passages of scripture, having favorite books, stories, passages, characters…I sometimes wonder if they are at times missing the point of it all. I have heard it said that person A is like David, or person B is like a Peter, or even person C like a Paul. At times I have seen people even say things like, it is as if I really know what David was like, and I can really identify with him. The only question I have is this; have you actually met David, Peter, or Paul? I understand the pull that happens when we get to know certain characters in what we read. Well written characters have the ability to capture our hearts and bring us into their world in a way. The problem is, we are not really in their world and we have not actually met them. If we were given the ability to have them come to life, sadly they would not know us, and we would still not really know them.

See there is a difference in knowing about someone and actually knowing that person. This is where we get to the crux of the matter. The Bible: Law 2.0 is about turning the bible into our ending rather than launching point into knowing the person of Christ. As ridiculous as this might sound, this is becoming more and more prevalent in “Bible Believing” communities. Now this is not a knock on anyone. Please hear my heart. I am quite concerned over the pattern of religious abuse that I have come to see as people are endeavoring to encounter God. The bible makes it very plain that we are supposed to encounter a LIVING Jesus, an ACTIVE Holy Spirit, and a WORKING Father. Yet, what I have come to find especially where I live in Fresno, people are afraid of encountering a Living Jesus, an Active Holy Spirit, and a Working Father, face to face. Religion has been teaching us that our need for the book is just as important, if not more so than are need to actually KNOW God.

If you understand the moral of the story that I shared before, there is quite a difference between knowing ABOUT God through His book, and actually KNOWING God. The bible was never meant to be our end goal, but merely a sign that points to a great existing reality. However, someone we have mistaken the sign as being the only means to get to know this eternal transcendent God.  It is the launching point not the destination.

The more I continue on my journey, the more I realize that life is full of signs that point directly to the person of Christ. I find it fascinating that most of the time I have missed these signs because of my own upbringing and indoctrination. The more I allow Holy Spirit to do what he does in teaching me, the more I find Jesus to be every bit more real that the pages of the book described him as being. What’s more, the conversations with Him have been more tangible than the ink on those pages. Dare I say it, interacting with the living Jesus is so much more awesome that reading the book about Him. I am not trying to be sacrilegious in any way. It is just either the book was telling the truth that He would never leave us nor forsake us, that the anointing that we have received abides…or it was lying and in such case it would be better to throw the book out anyways.

I have determined for myself that if the bible really is true, then I should seek what it says I should seek. It says that I should seek to know CHRIST…not the pages of the book. I mean the book says that Jesus made an interesting statement. “"Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter." Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?'" And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS.' Now if that is what the book says Jesus said, then I want to take it seriously and actually get to know the guy himself. In that way I see the book being a sign that points to the reality of Christ. The pages of the book are not to become for us what the 10 commandments + the other 400+ laws were for the Jews of that day. The bible was never meant to become Law 2.0.

I leave you with these questions? Is what you are doing leading you to knowing Christ in a tangible intimate way? Or is it causing you to know scripture without knowing the person. Are you okay with God encountering you in a way that is uncomfortable...or have you made up in your mind that the only way God can encounter you is the way you have predetermined? Please do not hear what I am not saying. I am not saying throw away the bible. I am saying that if the bible says we are supposed to know the Lord and experience Him…shouldn’t we actually take that serious and do what it says? Isn’t that the highest priority of a Christian...to know God?

But what do I know I am just a fellow traveler trying to figure all of this out. J

An Honest Look Under The Hood: Part 2

On the other side of all of this comes the reality of dealing with the core of who we are. It shouldn’t come as a shock to find out most of us are uncomfortable admitting or even looking at who we are. As frightening as this feels, hopefully I can shed light on myself, so that it might give the tools to help shed light on who you are. I feel as if I should say this as a disclaimer…this post is not in any way a self-righteous look at me post, but a rather sober assessment of where I am and the things that I have uncovered over the years.

Who do I say I am? This is a question I have had to ponder for quite a while. Amongst the varying degrees of false pretense and facades, I have found it difficult to get to the core of this question. Who I am is not simply found in what I do, but what I do is intimately found in who I am. It has been a process of going backwards through what I do to figure out who I am. To say I am a drummer, a writer, an athlete, or even a personal trainer would only be partial truths as those are things I do, not necessarily the core of who I am. I am not a teacher, a pastor, evangelist, prophet, or apostle as my core identity, yet many of those things stem from the core of who I am.  I mean this is really confusing because I really do not even understand who I am myself. I am not even sure how I have defined myself all of these years. Just getting out of the mentality of what I do being who I am has been the toughest transition of my life. At this moment, the only thing I know is that I am Cordell Jackson Winrow. I am a mix of wise craziness. I am artistic, creative, and passionate. Though only a part of the whole, it is where I am right now.

Who do they say I am? My friend and others around me have affectionately called me ‘Yoda’, ‘Mentor’, ‘Sage’, ‘Wise Guy’, ‘Crazy Man’, ‘Freak’, ‘Drummer Boy’, ‘Athlete’, ‘Writer’…and a few other things. Put succinctly, it a mixed bag when it comes to the things I have heard others call me and treat me as. To put it nicely even though many won’t say it out right I am treated as a problem fixer or a pillar to lean upon. They see me dependable and rely on me for help when a crisis arises. It sucks to even have to think about this, but the reality that I find is that my value and usefulness wears off with certain of my friends once the crisis has been averted OR things settle down. I am no longer a priority in their lives. It is more about what I can offer and not who I am. To the few close friends I have, I am an indispensable part of their lives. I cannot be replaced because my value stems from who I am to them, not what I do for them. I understand that this is a vast generalization and it comes nowhere close to being a comprehensive list of how people see me, but this is what I am aware of and what I have record of over the last 15 years of life.

I hesitate in even writing this portion of the blog because God pulls absolutely no punches. This section scares me because the sheer weight of honesty that defines this blog will be put to the test right here.

Who does God say I am? God scares me; let me be clear when I say this. His opinion of me is rather high and I have no idea why. First off…God says I am His. No if ands or buts about this. He has been rather clear that no matter what happens my identity is found in being His. Secondly, I am His son, made in his likeness, and image. We just get to magnify the issue here because not only am I HIS, but I am HIS SON. I cannot be disowned or thrown out. I am eternally part of the family. He says I am HOLY and RIGHTEOUS. Okay, I feel like I am verging on territory that I would rather not go, but I cannot deny that these are things He has spoken over me time and time again. I am in complete right standing, totally blameless, totally justified, completely pure, and holy in His sight. He says I am worthy and worthwhile. I am eternally valuable to Him and worth Him giving His all for me. If that isn’t absolutely scandalous I do not know what is. However, it gets better. He sees me as a success story, a prime example of what it looks like to succeed when others count you out. He says I am grace-filled, compassionate, kind, and loving, characteristics that I was born with and display wonderfully. He calls me a seer, one who sees the unseen. He says he gave me that ability because it matches my heart for people and the gifts that I have the help set people free from the places they are stuck in. It doesn’t stop there…and it makes me uncomfortable even acknowledging what I am about to say, but this is what He says about me so it is what it is. He continually says I am a prophet. Though I have no idea what that means in its fullness, I understand that my role and call in life is a bit interesting to say the least. However, more than all of these things…the most special thing I have come to hold to is the fact that he calls me friend. The innumerable times that He has thanked me for being such a good friend to Him, well, they are priceless. The fact that I have felt him weep because of his elation at my heart to care for him…has moved me many times. If I am to be honest, this is only a fraction of what he has to say about me, but the portion that I feel that he is speaking about right now. He is pretty emphatic right now about these things, but understandably. Though I am writing all of this, knowing what I am hearing from Him, it still so hard to believe that this and more is His heart towards me about me.

What keeps me from accepting what God says about me? I think it goes without question in saying that much of this is hard to accept because it seems too good to be true. Like I sometimes wonder, “God, are you sure you are talking about me?” Are you sure that you have the right guy? I mean look at all of these faults…no? What really keeps me from accepting what God has to say about me is a combination of the things that others have said about me and ways they have hurt me, and not really believing there is much good that lies within me. Both of which are catastrophic in the grand scheme of things. I have spent a good portion of my life under the delusion that people’s opinions of you really matter, and that you have to work to keep a great reputation otherwise all your struggles will be for not. It has created an unhealthy dependence on the approval of others rather than standing on what it is God is saying about me…mostly because people I can see…God I cannot. God I hear when alone…people I hear everywhere I go. This is what I consider very unhealthy. I know cognitively that God’s opinion is the one that should matter above all else, but for some reason it has yet to really make it down to my heart. I wonder at times if God is really as credible as people say He is. Again, I know the answer to that question is a resounding YES!!! I just do not know how to get myself to believe that at this point. It is a work in progress.

What holds me captive to what they say about me? This is probably the most revealing portion of this blog. I have spent most of my life under the impression that peoples’ opinions of me matter and that I need to work hard to make sure my reputation is spotless and clean. Doors are opened faster if your reputation precedes you. What I never knew is that it is a tireless hamster wheel that is problematic once you step foot on it. You are constantly working to win the approval of people who don’t matter, who most of the time could care less about you and are more worried about their image. Soon earnest conviction gives way to the facade of a fancy image. No longer does it matter what on the inside of a person because the external appeal has captivated the audience. At some point I was conditioned to think that it was that packaging that was important, not the content. At 28 years of age I am now dealing with the dismantling of this faulty way of thinking. Yet, the truth is, I have not overcome the dangers of people pleasing. I have spent considerable time as a yes man rather than sticking up for my own convictions much less what I know about God…or what he says about me. Shoot if I shared half of what God has said about me to other people…well I probably would have very few friends and being a hermit recluse. The thought of that frightens me terribly. I am not about trying to save my image now…since I have come to realize it doesn’t matter. I am simply trying to make sense of this tangled web so it can be incinerated once and for all. Though I only have begun to figure this out…the opinions of others are really powerless to get me where I want to be. Thus begins my journey of understanding God’s opinion and lining up with that.

Why do I feel like what I say about myself always waivers? I know that what I say about myself waivers because of my personal performance. I do not really understand how to give myself grace and allow who I am to manifest into the things that I do. So consequently what I do outwardly often time manipulates how I feel about myself. What I do has been large part in how I see myself. So the conflict has is understanding that who I am, is not what I do. Learning to reverse this understanding has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I also feel like I wavier because of the opinions of those that I care about. I often will take into account their perspectives even if they are not in alignment with what God says about me. Hearing things over and over again does a lot to solidify things as being a reality. My perception is that of what I see not necessarily what truly is. This is a thing that I am learning to overcome. Things aren’t always what they seem, even if it looks convincing.

What keeps me stuck from moving forward? This is probably the easiest question of the bunch to answer. I keep myself stuck. Plain and simple…the problem is me. The bigger problem or reality as it were is fear. I fear making a mistake that could ultimately cost me my future. This puts me in a place of paralysis and ultimately makes it so the future that I can conceive with the Lord never comes to fruition because action is never taken. It is a case of look, but don’t touch…or window shopping. See at this point in my life it is not about a better strategy or gaining more knowledge. It is simply about doing the things that need to be done to see the results that I want to see. Even in knowing all of this, I find it quite difficult to find the motivation and hope to move forward. These are the inner demons that I face because I know my future is worthwhile. This is also something that the Lord has been reminding me about. Simply doing what you know to do no matter how tedious it might seem. Success is not determined by luck…but hard work and willingness to do what others will not do.

So this is part 2 of the Honest Look Under The Hood series that I am working on. This is simply a series of questions that you can wrestle with on your own spare time to get to know what is going on inside of you. If you are non-religious then you can still tailor the questions to you and omit certain other ones. However, since I love Jesus these questions have been come foundational keys to work through as I go about understanding myself.

Here in lies a challenge I would present to those that read. Take time and answer these questions for yourself. If you feel bold enough please email me what you have uncovered about yourself. I am interested in how this is affecting others and would like to start a dialogue with those who read my blog.

Email me at: cordell.winrow@gmail.com

When You See It...Everything Changes

Heart Cry

At times it would simply be easy to throw in the towel. After all that I have been through, the heart has a few black eyes, and bruises to match. It has taken more 1-2 punches than Glass Joe from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. Its legs are like jelly only holding on by sheer force of will. A belief that tomorrow...tomorrow will be the day the sun shines again and the nightmare will end. A ‘pinch me so I know that I am living in a reality where the skies are no longer black, but full of color’. Yet, the state of my heart is so tattered, weary, and abused at the moment. But, I find that I am okay with the way it is currently. I am fine that I can acknowledge that I am not okay. Though I am making things work externally, I know there is about to be a major surgery concerning my heart. My beat up heart is also quite calloused, thick like the hide of a rhinoceros, and as un-forgetting as an elephant. Though decked out in the combat gear, man this poor heart looks as if it has been on a tremendous battlefield for the past months with not a moment of reprieve. Weapons dull, ammunition dwindling to the last dozen rounds, armor dinged up with parts missing, it is a wonder that a heart such as this has lasted this long. Then I remember that this heart is a war veteran. It’s because of its experience that it has managed to survive for so long. Yet, if all that this heart is living for is survival, then it might just be good to call it quits. The promise wasn't to simply survive. The promise was to thrive and become something altogether wonderful. This isn't what was promised. Where are the reinforcements...the rest of the troops to help take territory???

Sobering Thoughts

Left with many questions this writer simply pauses to wonder...what is really going on? Where do I go from here? Is this really the path laid out for me or have I wandered into an unknown territory not meant for me. Yet, it was a quiet voice that beckoned me out of my comfort into this distant unknown. It was a familiar friend that said come with me as we go on the adventure of a life time. I could have said no at any point, but being captivated by the thought of an adventure, I decided to launch out to do something that I have never done before. I am not regretting that decision, but I wonder if I made the best choice. Not wanting to back out from the adventure, but simply wanting to know if I am in over my head currently. I have never been in so many fierce battles consecutively. Emotionally, physically and spiritually, I feel run down and sore. I have had Mach battles in times past, but this is something totally different. I do not like war. I do not like bloodshed. I do not like seeing how badly people can get beat up. But more than anything I hate the fact that it has exposed just how much I really do not know how to love well. I am not going to go on condemning myself; it is just hard when you realize you do not know how to love well. Seeing the holes and weaknesses is something that I can never really get used to. It is sobering but at the same time just frustrating. Especially when you feel that you should be farther along than what is being revealed. What does one begin to do though? Questions, There are just so many freaking questions.

The Sound

Midnight strolls, gazing at the stars...a breath taking sight to behold. In a moment in time all of creation seems to stand still as if to wait for the next word I would speak. Yet, only silence filled the atmosphere. In awe, was I. The moments that followed only served to remind me that my presence in this place was much more necessary that what I had first understood. City life, full of busyness, people always needing something to do otherwise boredom set in. Yet, country life was a total change of pace. I found that I could meander a bit. My walk became a saunter. It seemed as if the country carried within it, a rhythm all to itself.  Though most of the time it is not perceptible to those who are used to a fast paced existence. Yet, as we begin to slow down, awareness begins to take over and fragile details that we would usually crush by our clumsiness become more apparent. Beautifully intricate, they begin to captivate and bring us into a reality that is uncommon.

Life

Have you caught a glimpse of it yet, of true reality? Space and time bending at ones will. Subtle shifts in lighting revealing secrets of epic proportions. Convinced of what we seeing being what is, but there lies the fallacy. Taught to believe the lie…groomed to follow a mold mindlessly as if the brain had been put in a comatose state never to be activated again. However, somewhere in the dream like haze a brilliance of untold magnitude appeared altering perception and bringing life to that which was lifeless. The veritable light bulb had been switched on within the brain. An illumination was finally happening…a being was finally coming alive. What was this being coming alive too, though?

Lurking Shadows

Secrets, long held secrets, buried secrets, secrets veiled in darkness. Yes, longing to be left alone. Raspy voices all hissing as vipers to be left undisturbed. Shadows, menacing figures, on the backdrop of the imagination all fighting for dominance. It is the almighty lens from which they can direct the course of the future. Much like Smeagles ‘precious’ this is one lens that rules them all. For years these invisible invaders have held captive the maiden of destiny. How long she has struggled to be free only to be captured time and time again. Never one to give up hope, patiently she waited for her time. No one could have guessed that it would come as a suddenly. But brilliance has shown forth from the distance marking the exposure of the nasty shadowy invaders. What looked like ancient mythical beast such as the hydra, Minotaur, and even the great sphinx, showed forth to be nothing more than illusions created by tiny creatures. The maiden of destiny was held captive by small creatures that had barks that could strike terror into the soul…but had nothing to back up the bark. Had the lights been turned on sooner, they would have been exposed sooner. How foolish the warrior feels as he realizes that for years he had been thwarted by these tiny bits of insignificance. He realizes, there is nowhere to go from here but straight into the heart of where these little buggers had been seated.

Seat of Power

Only the truest of warriors understands the meaning of stepping foot on hallowed ground. Even so, to the jaded, it’s a feeling that becomes unbearable. Unworthiness sets in, becoming a weight unbearable. Every step towards the center seems to add a few more tons to the already huge load being carried. Guilt it crushes, as the inexplicable beauty captivates and dazzles the senses. Awe overwhelms as tears of grief and shame begin to crash forth, a tidal wave of bitter regret. Even so, an invisible force somehow compels forward motion. Step after heavy step is taken…in the distance you see it. It radiates an other worldly essence. It is attractive, inviting, yet calming to gaze upon. The light that shines forth would be blinding yet, in this place, vision is strengthened. Before, the heart can come to its senses hands…holy hands…divine hands are lifting the load from the shoulders of the weary warrior. Eyes trying to adjust to this new found clarity only to be stopped in his tracks as his gaze becomes locked and fixated on the King, who is now face to face with him. All at once everything is silent, save the guttural cries of the warrior. There is a hushed silence as this valiant warrior weeps. The King with his authority exclaims, ‘welcome home, your throne is there.’ With one gesture, he points to the radiantly glowing seat. ‘We have been expecting you. Now the party can really start.’ The warrior could not stop weeping because when he looked at the King, he could see himself. For in fact…the King was Him, but not Him. He knew who the king was but could not help but see himself inside of the king. All at once he know…he was in the most important place he had ever been. He was in the personal chambers of the King. The King himself has prepared a special place of honor for him.  The King had delivered on what he had promised. Yet, all this warrior could do was weep as he realized how loved he was.

Invisible Scripts: The Lies That Have Governed My Life

Invisible Scripts

I got an email the other day that has really had me thinking about my life. I decided to take on the challenge and take some time to figure out the hidden thoughts (invisible scripts) that I have believed most of my life that have impeded my journey to success. It never ceases to amaze me the things that can be uncovered as you pursue truth. The beacon of light shines brilliant as it eradicates a living darkness that tries to hide.

“I don’t have the skills necessary to get the job done.” – Often I will disqualify myself before I even start because I read things and think to myself…well the job requires this and I do not have ANY experience in this field. Sure I am willing to learn, but often see those requirements as inflexible and rigid. I am a Kinesiology Major who wants to spend my time making music with very little knowledge with music other than being a drummer and knowing how to keep rhythm. I feel like I am often disqualified from things before I am able to give them a try. Internally this is my biggest fear.

 “I feel wrong charging people money for a service that I can provide for free.” – I was taught that it’s not okay to charge people for services. That if you can do something, it’s better to give it for free. People will often times respect you more and will ultimately see your character shine through. I was also raised with the mindset that it is better to give that to receive. I mean I know I have different skill sets which all are used to equip people but never felt like people would really pay me for my time so it would be easier to just give my time away for free to gain rapport.

“I am not the leader type, who would actually want to follow me.” – I have typically been more of a behind the scenes guy. I like to stay out of the limelight and just make things work. As of late I have noticed that people always are looking to me for direction and it freaks me out because I like to be hidden. I had been told over and over that I don’t really have what it takes to be a leader, and that I must learn to follow if I want to be a successful leader. Most of the examples of great leaders I have seen were all the types of people who had this great charisma or ability to win a person with words…which is not me. I have felt because I don’t have the look of a leader then how could I possibly be a leader.

“If I only had the money…then I could do what I really wanted to.” – For most of my life money has always been a limiting factor in being able to take risks. I have been talked out of doing more things because of “wisdom” and “caution”. So I have grown to have this understanding that if you do not have the money for what you want to do, it may not actually be a feasible course of action. For example, I am a drummer. I have been a drummer for the last 20+ years. However, for most of my life I have not had a drum set to actually do what I need to do to take this thing to the place I want to go. Because of the lack of resources, I haven’t been able to pursue my dream in taking more lessons, purchasing a drum set, playing gigs, just investing in music period. I have figured if I don’t have the money, it is pretty impossible for me to do what I really want to do.

“I am not really business oriented; it’s not my strong suit.” – I definitely want to be wealthy, but doesn't it take a person who has a business like mind to make that work. I have never been able to readily identify what I have to offer the world outside of my consultant/counseling skills. I mean I know how to teach things and what not, but how does that even benefit me making any kind of money. Because of things like this I feel stuck. I feel like the way I think often is the obstacle for me becoming successful.

 “I don’t think I am capable of doing the task.” – Again I disqualify myself from being able to do things because of the perception of things being inflexible and rigid. I have an ability to adapt to my surroundings, but feel more often than not that I do not have the capability to accomplish the task set before me.

“I am not as bulky or big, so it doesn't look like I know what I am talking about health and fitness wise.” – I have been in a place where people judge based upon appearances and not necessarily the skills that one carries. I am 5’4 and 115 lbs as a male athlete. People do not take me seriously because I do not look like a body builder. I don’t try because I do not feel that people will take me serious because of my size. I want to be taken seriously because of what I have to offer and not because of what I look like.

My Thoughts

All of this seems quite horrible, as I sit down and read what I have written, but I cannot deny that this is what is going on inside of me. This isn't the politically correct way of thinking, I am quite aware of the problems that this presents…but the reality of it all is that my life has been informed by many of these things. My best decisions filtered through these belief systems. Perspectives informed by crappy ways of thinking. I took some time to do this as an exercise in becoming more familiar with myself and the factors that have been hindering my own progress.

I remember years ago that this was a practice that I would use to identify when I was allowing fear to be the controlling factor in my life. As I am growing out here in Texas I am finding that these subroutines or scripts inform more than just what I am aware of. It has gotten to a place where I am able to hear these things faintly as I am contemplating decisions I must make. In the past they were quite transparent and hardly visible. Now a days they are about as subtle as an elephant trying to sneak through a room with fine china placed neatly on the floor. They make SO much noise. Yet, I never realized they were the reason I was not moving forward or progressing towards what had been burning on my heart.

As I walked through all of this I realized that liberation could only begin to renovate my internal reality, as I gave it the freedom to illuminate the darkened caverns of my being. Sadly, the thing that always tends to happen is that the darkness becomes visible and begins to create a stink as it wants to stay as the dominant power. That becomes the sight of a battleground of epic proportions as belief systems collide, one being uprooted and the other being planted. What is planted must be nurtured, watered, given sunlight, and protected. Simply planting a new belief system offers very little lasting change if it is not influenced and built up by those who speak life into it.

These invisible scripts as dangerous as they are, often carry with them more detailed information that what we understand. Going through these for myself, I was able to identify relationships, time periods, and specific incidents where these things were built and fortified…and ultimately why I bought into them for so long. At times I often would glance over these details, but now realize that they are important as forgiveness always needs to take place where hurt and offense has crept in. See the exercise that I went through was for starting up a business, but I saw in it so many principles that connect to this one area that it was hard for me not to begin to play a game of connect the dots. Past experiences inform out present realities…something being so deep rooted that we are often put into a cycle of doing certain things without ever realizing that we are stuck in a feedback loop. It is as I began to pause that I realized crap…I was doing the same thing over and over 

again expecting a different result which Einstein defined as insanity.

Here starts the transition into areas of freedom in my heart that I have yet to experience. It has been given to me, but now it’s time to explore the territory. Never an easy task, but it is one that is worthwhile if done right. As always, the fork in the road appears a bit sooner than I expected. Just another decision that needs to be made from a place of courage and faith rather that fear and anxiety.

So here comes the BOOM…yet again!

Vibration: A Frequency Of My Own Pt. 1

When people talk about being unique, I think it is often misunderstood. That, or its meaning is at best seen from a superficial point of view. We must take into consideration that unique is an adjective, that carries with it a depth of importance. It means being the only one of its kind; unlike anything else. Particularly remarkable, special or unusual. Other words like it include: distinctive, distinct, individual, special, idiosyncratic, remarkable, special, singular, exceptional, noteworthy, notable, extraordinary.

I am not wanting to give English lesson, but from what I have seen, people use the word unique in such a hypocritical way. We cannot all be unique while trying to be the same. Now, let me explain what I mean. Why is it that we often try to encourage ourselves and others up by saying we are unique, but with every effort we tend to try to conform to the images that are set before us. 

Obviously, I am not wanting to make a vast generalization. I realize that this does not encapsulate the entire population of people on this planet. However, if you look at trends in society going from clothing styles, music styles, business models, educational systems, even successful people...you will begin to see how these mediums begin to vie for control to see people conform to their image. Again I am not wanting to make vast generalizations, just an observation of what I have been seeing over the past 27 years that I have been living, what I have noticed in my own life.

In my last blog I made mention of my personal frequency and how I vibrate through this thing called life. Hopefully this will bring some insight into who I am but ultimately freedom for those who want to take the adventure of a life time walking with Jesus through the unknown. The journey of understanding how we are wired is what I perceive to be a life long adventure. 

In years past I have taken many personality assessments. Most notably has been the Myers-Briggs which I have typically scored INFP (The Dreamer) and ENFP (The Advocate) with relative consistency. How that happens I am unsure, but I do know that as a result I fluctuate between being introverted and extroverted.  Even with a test like this it just goes to show just how "unique" one can be. Normally with these test one should typically get the same personality score 90% of the time. Yet for me it is usually about 50%. As for the reason why...I am still unsure. Either way If you were to look up the personality profile of both of these personality types you will begin to have a better picture of what I am like...even though that picture is incomplete. 

As I have been living on the ranch, I happened upon a book called Frequency: Discovering Your Unique Connection To God by Eric Parks and Casey Bankord. At first I was simply going to by pass the book as it felt like many other self-assessment books I had read in the past. However, I was shocked to find myself hearing the voice of the Lord tell me to take some time to read this book. I am thankful that He gave me that suggestion. 

The authors talk about Pathways in which we find it easiest to connect with the Lord. Learning styles, the way we connect the dots. Finally they get into different personality types. For the sake of brevity I will share what I have learned about myself as a result. Not an exhaustive list but something to consider.

Pathways I Love to Travel

Creation Pathway - People on the creation pathway are energized and replenished by being outdoors. They love camping, fishing, golfing, boating, or any activity that requires interaction with nature. If they are cooped up inside for too long, their soul starts to feel stale and uninspired. They see God in the spectacular, but also in the everyday outside world. People on this pathway need to spend large chunks of time outdoors. Whey they do, they will begin to sense a growing desire for God.

Contemplative Pathway - People on the contemplative pathway love large blocks of uninterrupted time alone. Reflection and observation come naturally to them. Images, metaphors, and simple thoughts help them as they pray. They have a large interior world of intra personal communication, and they don't require much external stimulation. Making time to listen to God in silence and solitude is vital to the health of their souls and necessary for them to experience a deepening sense of God's presence. They need regular, protected, intense, and undisturbed times alone.

Intellectual Pathway - People on the intellectual pathway are energized by intellectually stimulating conversations and debates. Ideas are as alive to them as people are to others. They love to study Scripture. They love thinking about theology. They read a lot. When in church, they usually don't enjoy the creative or music portion of the service nearly as much as the message. They solve problems by analysis and logic. They feel closest to God when learning about Him through great books, deep thoughts, complex conversations, and sound teaching.

Worship Pathway - People on the worship pathway have a natural gift for expression and celebration. something deep inside of them feels released when they are able to voice their praise and adoration for God. Some of there most formative moments occur during times of musical worship. They need to experience great worship on a regular basis. Likely, these types of people have favorite songs they listen too over and over as a way to connect with God.

Above you can see the places in which I crossed certain things off that do not pertain to me. Rather they do not ring true in me as to the way that I am wired. I am forced to stop this entry rather abruptly because of its length. I will get more into my learning styles and personality traits at different time, however, this I believe does serve the purpose intended. 

As I have been hanging out with the Lord many of these things have been highlighted in many ways. The Myers-Briggs description and the pathways described have been useful tools in learning about myself as well as the way the loves to engage me. I definitely want to engage this in a more passionate way as well. I feel as if I have been quite informative as to how things relate to me, but I do want to spend some time expressing from a deep place what this looks like for me practically. 

I believe we have to begin to simply be candid about these things so as to help others along on their own journeys. This is not to say I want anyone to emulate me in anyway, rather gather the tools that I have to share, and use them for yourself. How you engage with God, the dialog you share with Him, the way the way it comes about will all be tailored to who you are as a person. I have yet to meet anyone who has ever shared the exact same encounters as me verbatim. Many of us have had similar experiences, yet none were exactly the same.  

With that, I bid you adieu. 

Let's Talk Porn Pt. 2

After getting such great feedback from PART 1 of the blog, I decided to set out sometime to dive into Part 2, which really is just my own journey through dealing with porn and why I have such a vendetta against the industry.

It is always a bit unnerving sharing this part of my life with people because of the stigma that is attached to the whole idea of pornography, given by the church. See I got my start into pornography...rather viewing porn when I was 13 years old. Back in 1999. I remember it clearly. I walked into one of the bathrooms of my junior high and mistakenly caught a classmate masturbating to a dirty magazine. He thought I was going to rat him out so he gave me the magazine, so as to make me his accomplice. That one moment...changed my life...

In a time where internet filters were no where to be found, and 56k dial-up modems were the norm...I found myself on the computer at all hours of the day and or night depending on if my parents were at home or going to be home...searching all types of crazy shit. Most of the time I was too afraid to actually search porn, so I would search for adult like content that could achieve the same gratification that a hardcore porn site or magazine would offer me. See my descent into pornography was actually very gradual. Up until I was about 15 I wasn't very intrigued by naked women. The reason...one word...PUBERTY. At 15 a massive transformation dramatically occurred. I discovered my sex drive...unfortunately...it had an appetite that I could not control or manage.

Before I realized it. The girls around me started dressing differently. I saw more skin than I could handle. The dancing changed from being silly to being provocative and seductive. What's more DSL become available at home. We finally had an upgraded internet connection. Then throw on top that I was dealing with MAJOR DEPRESSION. All of these factors spelled my doom from my high school years. See for me, high school was the most miserable time of my life. I wasn't like my peers. I was a wanderer...the lone wolf...the outcast. Well, I was wanted around for certain purposes (being the kid that has a ton of rather odd skills pays off at times I guess). The cure for the hurt...you guessed it...porn. I wouldn't be made fun of for my height or other more personal things. Even as I write this...I feel a special seething hatred towards certain individuals on my 2004 high school baseball team for the nickname they gave me (...Nipples...). All year that is what I was called and how they addressed me at practice. Ya...what did I do...I would go home...and look at porn to relieve my hurting heart.

See for me the reality was I had something on my hands that would almost instantly take the pain of my heart away...or so I thought. High school was rough for another reason...CHURCH. Adults really do not know how much damage they do to teenagers without realizing it. See sometimes I think church folk are the worst. I got to hear how they dogged my peers who had sex outside of wedlock. I got to see how they were demonized. I got to hear how people were punished and taken out of the things that were bringing them out of a place of guilt and shame. It is about that time that I decided that I would NEVER EVER share what I was dealing with. I never wanted to be shamed and talked about like that. Yet, that is also when I got another label within my youth group...(Mr. Super Spiritual...).

My senior year of high school is when I started to notice how addictive porn was. I decided it was time that I stopped. OH HOW I TRIED. I was looking for solutions EVERYWHERE. I was out of options because I couldn't talk to my parents...they would freak out. I couldn't talk to people at the church I had already seen how they treated others...I knew what fate would befall me if I said anything. I couldn't talk to my teachers because they would get my parents involved. My friends were of no use...well because I didn't really have any. I never had felt despair like that...even after all of the years of depression...this was something unique. Couple that on the fact that I was lying while I was going through these purity classes that we had at our church...I felt dirty...I felt like the scum of the earth.

I would spend the next 8 years in a constant state of struggle and war with an addiction. Ultimately, I would lose my virginity because of this war.

 All of college was a pain in the ass. Why? Well...I went to a Christian institution. Porn was like the cardinal sin at the time. Mind you, I had no understanding of grace. I thought being a christian was all about performance. So you had to maintain an exterior of excellence and piety. Well, while trying to do that...I saw one of my favorite professors sent to jail because of porn. It was the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I had ever seen anything like that. It shook me to the core. Again I made a silent vow to NEVER EVER share whats going on in the depths of my heart. Up to this point I had never seen anyone beat porn. I had seen it devastate lives and I thought mine was about to be totally broken.

I remember driving on my way back to the university with tears in my eyes..."God will I ever be free? Am I doomed to be trapped for the rest of my life...feeling this...this black spot of shame and guilt?" In a clear moment God responded as lightning and said, "NO!"

I have held on to that to this day. A promise from a loving Dad to a son who wants nothing more than to be the shining example of purity and redemption. I sit and I write. I reflect on where I have been. I meditate on where God has brought me from. Closer today than I was yesterday. More free than I have ever been in my life. At a place in my life where I can openly admit the struggle and the fight I have been in since I was 18 and decided I didn't want this for my life. I am now 27 wanting to settle down, and establish a family in the near future. I have heard it so many times said, that if you are dealing with porn, you are not fit to start a family. I have believed that for such a long time....

BUT....

I now am in a place to say...FUCK THAT!!!!

I will not let my past define me. I will not let the challenges set me back! I am who God says I am. I AM VICTORIOUS! I AM FORGIVEN! I AM HEALED!

As I spend time with God, I realize the issue is no longer about porn. It is simply about understanding the righteousness He has given me and learning how to operate in it. For so long I have been operating out of the wrong operating system and it has been screwing everything. He redefined my operating system and I see more victories than I do failures. I live in more freedom than I have even known in my life. For that I am extremely grateful.

Remember that vendetta I was talking about?

Yes I want to absolutely obliterate this thing from the face of the universe.

Why?

Men and women I love have been victims of this industry.
Those I love and care about have been kidnapped and forced into the industry.
Some I know personally have been rescued from the industry.

The scars that it has left these people with...can never really be accurately described.

Even more so...I never want my children to have to suffer the way I have suffered, and the way I have caused others to suffer because of this industry and its lure.

I don't want to have to see my nephews go through the pain, the shame, the disgrace, the guilt that I had to go through. They deserve better than that.

Yet, for those who are struggling...who feel trapped...who have no one to talk to...who want to be free...I will always have a soft spot for them. Because...I know as a young man what it feels like to have your hope, joy, passion, and freedom stripped from you.

I think of those who are my little brothers in the faith, who have confided in me. The weight of the pain they carry.

THIS MUST STOP!

And I say it STARTS with ME!