Time Machine: Communication, Relationships, and the American Dream

If communication was a fine art, I feel like I witness on a daily basis, a bunch of toddlers acting as if they were the next Van Gogh or Picasso. It is quite amusing when I read discussions or overhear conversations…people ranting and raving about a given topic, yet never actually addressing the issue up for discussion. As hard as I try not to bust a gut laughing, I find such exchanges quite disconcerting. How is that person A could make a statement, and person B respond in a way that neither addresses the statement but also takes a cheap shot at the character of person A? Or how is it that person C can share an opinion (not directed at anyone) and end up taking flack from person D? How is it that in the middle of trying to talk things out, these breakdowns simply continue until someone ends up hurt, damaged, or angry? Anyone ever notice that a person can repeat the same sentence several times in a row and people still hear exactly what they want to hear? I submit that one of the primary reasons for this is simply…a lack of real listening/reading comprehension skills.

Text based communication is a quite different than face to face communication, in that one cannot really infer the tone of voice used or any other nuances that would be quite apparent if one was to sit face to face with the person they were talking with. Our reactions or actions, are typically based off of what we perceive to have been said or done. We lump motives, attitudes, and outcomes all together in a split second judgment call. Said judgment is our reference point from which we engage the conversation. Having been a perpetrator of this, I do not mind sharing all of the dirty little realities about having selective hearing or reading skills…especially if pride is on the line. In the past I have used my communication abilities to twist things that people have said, so as to belittle them and beat them down for the sake of WINNING the argument. (You lose a lot of friends this way). More than that, I lost a lot of credibility that I would have to earn back. Communication is not a competitive sport to win, but a collaborative effort that empowers all those who participate.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. –George Bernard Shaw

Communication in all its glory is one of the major tools that help foster excellent relationships. When it comes to romantic relationships as well as dealing with roles between males and females I have noticed that this is an area that is frightfully lacking in understanding. I have been privy to a few awesome conversations in the last week about gender roles (in the religious context), the differences between what men need vs. what women need, and what it means to be a Man/Woman in our culture. I am pretty sure you are now starting to understand where I am heading in today’s blog. I am convinced that relationships that fall apart do so because of a breakdown in communication.

Though I have much to say about gender roles and what it means to be a man/woman, I am going to take some time to flesh out the idea of what I as a man need and how I communicate. First, let me start off by saying…I AM HIGHLY EMOTIONAL!!!! I FEEL DEEPLY!!!! Second, I am a thinker (analytical and logical). Lastly, I am passionate and intense. Alright, with that said…My primary love languages include: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. Let me redefine this…As a male I love to know that I am respected and what I have to say matters/do/offer matters. As a male I LOVE being touched. I loved being hugged, kissed, and when I get married…SEX will be AMAZING! As a male, when I am in a relationship, I want to know that I am needed/wanted by my significant other. That when she looks at me I am all that she sees. She is primary on my heart and mind to keep happy and spend time with. (Sounds a lot like my primary love languages huh?? Interesting!) I believe as a male I process things a lot differently than a female. Which is okay, we were made differently for a reason. I feel this is the reason that communication is SO IMPORTANT!

 To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. –Tony Robbins

In talking with a friend last night (THANKS SARAH R.) we both realized that in dealing with the opposite sex we must understand the importance of communicating in the way that they can best receive. Instead of trying to be stubborn and communicate in a selfish manner, we take the time to learn the language of our significant other. A friend and co-worker pointed out the value of communicating intentionally and the importance of taking the time to actually listen. It does no one any good if the bulk of the conversation is spent trying to prove the other person wrong.
So in response to the topic that was presented to me this morning about the issue of the needs of men vs. women, I simply have this to say…Both sides are right. There is no dispute. But you have to realize that you are coming from two different perspectives from which you are viewing things from. A woman will NEVER be able to see things through the male lens in its totality, but the reverse is also true. There are many nuances so generalizations do not work for everyone one. With that being said, with the way the subject was brought up…it would pay to simply stick with the question or thought that was being presented. Making an argument about something that was irrelevant to the topic as a whole serves to throw a wrench in the whole communication idea that I was talking about as the top of the blog. It puts people at odds when there is no need for it. Valid points were made across the board. However, where I draw the line is where subtle cheap shots are thrown to prove a point. Personal opinion…NOT OK! :)

All of this plays into the idea of The American dream for my generation. I am not sure that it has ever been communicated in this way so I will do my best to echo what I have heard over the years. My generation values relationships and great communication….WHY??? Because in a lot of ways our parents pursued an American dream that left really NO time for us. This is not a low blow directed at the previous generation in the least. However it is a wake up call so that many will begin to have eyes to see the things that we value.

A person isn’t who they are during the last conversation you had with them – they’re who they’ve been throughout your whole relationship. –Rainer Maria Rilke 

My Father, now retired, worked at his job for 30+ years. Talk about longevity. It paid the bills, gave my brother and I many opportunities, and a lifestyle he NEVER got to live. I am extremely grateful! I love how my Dad sacrificed for me. Though, now being a 27 year old…if I could go back in time to give my Dad some advice…it would go like this…, “Dad, thanks for all you are doing cause I know you are thinking of me. I know you are concerned about my future. Pops, I don’t need all the stuff. I don’t need you to spend countless hours at the job, only to go to the church right when you get off. I don’t need all of the trips. What I need is you! What I need is not the toys, the games, the greatest house….I need your presence. I need to know in an intimate way that I am loved by you. That I am valued and cherished. That the ideas I have make you proud.” I would say the same thing to my mother as well. It isn’t because I am ungrateful, but rather that I have learned something and know how to clearly articulate what I have needed all of these years.

In my generation there seems to be a push for the original American Dream…, “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” I live in a generation of dreamers, that want more than the 9-5 rat race of cubicle living. We are caught in a sticky place of wanting to explore all of the uniqueness that makes us who we are but living in this world that our parents and forefathers created for us that say you have to follow the formula to actually be successful. I have a 4 year college degree, and a job…I AM IN NO WAYS HAPPY WITH HOW I AM LIVING…Why you ask??? Because it is void of adventure, creativity, passion, and excitement. You might ask…well what about your children??? Yes, I do think of them. I want to leave them a legacy that reminds them ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. GO FOR IT AND TRUST THE FAITHFULNESS OF THE ULTIMATE FATHER.

See for my generation we crave relational intentionality. We are not catching these things by osmosis. We crave a raw realness from the generations around us as well as our peers. Cookie cutter answers and methods do not suit us. We are deep thinkers who ponder mysteries, whose minds and imaginations race among the stars. We are creators shaping the world around us. What we “lack” is meaningful worthwhile relationships with those who should be closest to us. If I could only share my deepest dreams and secrets with my family and have them really understand…it would do my heart good. But I know too many others who feel the same. Our generation cries out for the freedom to try! The freedom to make mistakes! The freedom to be bigger than the circumstances that often attempt to limit our potential. This is the generation that I am a part of. This is the generation I identify with. I don’t need a house with a lawn, a dog, and a white picket fence. Let me do what I love with out restriction…give me a healthy, supportive, community and I will be okay. Give me some wind so that I can learn to fly and you will see great things happen.

My parents dreams for me are just that. "Their" dreams for me. I love my parents SO MUCH. I just have a different vision for the life that I must live. My dreams are different. 9-5 isn’t my cup o tea. I am an artist…I need to spend my days creating. Otherwise…I will be 70 regretting the things I could have done, but never actually did. That is not the way to live.

A fun fact, a lot of you reading this blog probably have inferred that my tone has been rather harsh, sarcastic, and/or mean. However, from where I am sitting as the author I can assure you that I am actually coming from a lighthearted, jovial, yet contemplative place. As such, if you thought my tone was harsh, your defenses would have been up and you might not have actually taken the time to finish reading the whole blog. I know this is a generalization, but if one finds offense with something written…often times they will begin to skim through what is being said and look for red flags, or buzz words in which to argue with. So if that was you (I was like that quite a bit when I was younger), I would just ask that you take some time to re-read all of this. These are simply my thoughts on communication, relationships, and the American dream. They are all subject to change as my perspective of life changes. :) I cant wait.
Blessings!

Growing Pains – Relationships

Part of my journey with God has caused me to take another look at relationships, romance, and intimacy. For the longest time I have been in an interesting place, closed off to romantic relationships, while at the same time deeply desiring to be married. This place of inner conflict has become more pronounced as I have begun to deal with hurts from the past. Conversations with close friends have done much to expose underlying issues where my heart is concerned. As a result I have come to some interesting journey markers that I would like to expand on.

1. Learning to love is messy. – There is no way around this. Our greatest example in life and eternity has shown us that love though super fulfilling, is not exactly the most tidy of things to deal with. Learning to love is a messy business. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same understanding of what love is supposed to look like. We have different love languages, ways we speak appreciation, and ways to say "I'm sorry". There are 6+ billion people on the planet, which means there are 6+ billion ways to learn to speak love, appreciation, and repentance. Beyond this grandiose project of learning how to speak love, but there are also the actions involved in demonstrating love to another person. This is a subject I will not speak much on because well, it would take quite a bit of time to flesh out. Suffice to say, that our actions play a big role in how another person perceives and understands love. Love is one of those things that take work and practice. It isn’t something that one will get a handle on even after 30-40 years. Love ever grows, ever changes, and depending on who you come into contact with, it will take time to learn how to love them in the best way possible. In the process, you can expect things to get a little messy, as you are learning to understand the quirks of another living being. Through the process of learning to love, I wouldn't be surprised if you bumped into grace and patience, as they are needed to survive the journey.


2. Love is risky business. – Sorry guys, as much as I wish love wasn’t hard, I have found that it is tough. When it comes to loving in a manner that can actually change lives and help people grow, love is one of the most risky things that you can do. The heart is a fragile thing, and it is often on the line when dealing with deep levels of love. Whether you are talking about a deep friendship, a possible relationship, or even marriage, one must realize that the thing that is always at stake, is the heart. If not taken care of appropriately, there can be tons of damage done. Friendship requires a level of transparency to be done well, but that transparency is what puts the heart at risk. If talking about a relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend), the level of intimacy and transparency must increase, which means the things at stake also increase. If you are talking about marriage then the stakes get increased exponentially. The higher the level of intimacy, the more at risk the heart is. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the heart being at risk. It just means that the self-preservation instinct that many of us have will try to keep our hearts safe rather than letting it be exposed to potential dangers. This is especially true if we have experienced trauma in the past as a result of trying to walk through this area we know as love. Our experiences have unconsciously put triggers within us that begin to fire depending on the potential risk level our heart would be exposed to. It is in dealing with these triggers that we learn what it means to love uninhibited and without condition.


3. Fear is a relationship killer. – This is a touchy issue for me, and one that I get quite passionate about. After sabotaging 3 different relationships in the past, and have some sabotaged by the other party, I can say without a doubt, fear is a relationship killer. Worrying about what other people are going to think, what the future is going to hold, if your family will get along with who you are dating, and other such thoughts, are things that can do much to destroy ANY type of relationship. As one who wants to be prepared for as my scenarios as possible, trying to walk through these things from a place of fear is never a good thing. It is one thing to see red flags and seek counsel on how to deal with such things, however, it is another thing altogether to look at everything as a red flag and seek any reason to call it quits on the relationship. One of the hang ups I dealt with was that I wasn’t sure my friends and family would think the girl I dated was pretty enough. Shallow? Yes, but there was a reason for the shallowness. Earlier experiences in my formative years had taught me to scrutinize these things or otherwise I would be talked about by both friends and family. (I talked about experiences that create unconscious triggers; well this is an example of that.) There are other fears that I have dealt with (annoying habits they had, how they got along with there family, tone of voice, understandings of intimacy, if they wore make up or not...) as well that led to purposefully finding any reason I could to ditch a woman. Hindsight has shown that most of these had been due to triggers that I had not been aware of. If you have an inkling that there might be some emotional triggers that might be sabotaging your relationships, I HIGHLY recommend talking with God about where they came from, and getting rid of them. Perfect love really does cast out all fear.


4. Relationships and walking with God are not mutually exclusive. – I have known some amazing people in my life who have said, “It is better to not be in a relationship if you are trying to grow up in God. A relationship would only detract from the work God is doing.” While at the time the statement sounded spiritual, I have come to believe that it can also be one of the single most devastating statements that can be spoken. Though, the heart intention is to say, its best to stay singular minded in your focus and follow God, it draws a false dichotomy between relationships and walking with God. Statements like this have been used to actually justify the fear of approaching relationships in a healthy manner. While I know that God will at times call people to a time of singleness, I also know that there are times where God will call people to a time of relational growth. In my case, I had to tend to some wounds that were caused by girlfriends, but no one could access my heart, accept someone who was in that role. I had to be healed by the very thing that had caused the damage. I was hurt relationally so I needed to be healed relationally. As I have grown up, I have noted that certain portions of the heart only open up at certain times. If I were to use my mother as an example, the closest male to her (my grandpa) left when she was 12 years old. That scar in her heart, was carried over into her marriage. She acted out as if my father were going to leave her just like her father had. It took the repeated actions of my father PURPOSELY staying and loving her, to help heal my mother’s heart because of the abandonment she suffered so many years prior. If we were to implement the advice of some of the people I know, my mother and father would probably NOT be married for the 35+ years they have been married. I am sure there are many other stories like this, but my point is that one of the killers of growing and healing has been drawing a false dichotomy between walking with God and being in a relationship. This is one of those things that I would personally take on a case by case basis.



5. Honesty begets honesty, the true test of relationship. – This is probably the hardest thing I have learned in the last year. Honesty is hard work. It takes such a level of trust to open up to another that is close to you, to show them what lies within the depths of who you are. Not only are you risking your heart, but at times you are risking the relationship as a whole. “What if they cannot handle what I am about to say? What if they get mad and walk away? What if…” I cannot explain how draining it can be to have to stew over how you are going to share a bit of information with someone that you care so much about. If the relationship is based out of fear, this place of honesty is one that might not be existent. Though one of the toughest things to do, it is also one of the most liberating things in relationship. When you know you can trust the person you are with, sharing anything that is on your heart, well, it’s quite nice. My friend Praying Medic, talked about this idea in his book, My Craziest Adventures with God. He tells the story of how he met his wife. (I do believe this story has applications beyond the scope of marriage.)

“He states, ‘One thing that stands in the way of a successful marriage is a lack of transparency. Out of fear that they’ll suffer rejection, many people hide their past from the person they’re dating. Years later when something from the past comes up(and it always does) the person you thought you knew is no longer the one you’re married to. But by then it’s too late. I knew that if I expected her to quit her job, leave her family and friends, and move across the country to be a permanent part of my life I had to be transparent with her about my past. So one night I told her I needed about two hours of her time, just to listen as I told her about my past. I divulged to her everything a woman would want to know about her potential husband, and I mean everything. My weaknesses, my failures, the things I did wrong in my last marriage, why I had an affair, why I was fired from my last job my fears, my arrest, my financial problems…everything. It was a huge risk, but I figured if she could deal with the junk from my past, she’d have no reason to fear a future with me.'”

I had a similar experience with a friend of mine. I had to be more open about how I felt about her than I actually cared to be. However, I had learned that if I allowed fear to govern my response towards her then there would be no turning back. The relationship would cave in as a whole. (Relationships cannot flourish where there is no trust.)  I am so glad I made that decision to be open about everything. As a result of my honestly with her, she in turn was just as honest. We were able to find some common ground in what we were dealing with while at the same time reaffirming our goal to simply walk with one another through the processes that we were in.

These 5 wonderful things have been the revelation that I have been processing with Jesus for the past few weeks. In order to grow in a given area, you cannot hide from it. You must face it head on. It really doesn’t matter if it is love, identity, grace, God’s goodness, all of it has to be faced without hesitation or hiding. If we are afraid of things often times we will end up missing the answers we so desperately want. Fear is the thing that stands in our way. “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me besides quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me…” Friends fear though it seems real, it is only a shadow. When you walk through that shadow you will begin to see the substance of the things you truly have dreamed of and searched for.