Time Machine: Communication, Relationships, and the American Dream

If communication was a fine art, I feel like I witness on a daily basis, a bunch of toddlers acting as if they were the next Van Gogh or Picasso. It is quite amusing when I read discussions or overhear conversations…people ranting and raving about a given topic, yet never actually addressing the issue up for discussion. As hard as I try not to bust a gut laughing, I find such exchanges quite disconcerting. How is that person A could make a statement, and person B respond in a way that neither addresses the statement but also takes a cheap shot at the character of person A? Or how is it that person C can share an opinion (not directed at anyone) and end up taking flack from person D? How is it that in the middle of trying to talk things out, these breakdowns simply continue until someone ends up hurt, damaged, or angry? Anyone ever notice that a person can repeat the same sentence several times in a row and people still hear exactly what they want to hear? I submit that one of the primary reasons for this is simply…a lack of real listening/reading comprehension skills.

Text based communication is a quite different than face to face communication, in that one cannot really infer the tone of voice used or any other nuances that would be quite apparent if one was to sit face to face with the person they were talking with. Our reactions or actions, are typically based off of what we perceive to have been said or done. We lump motives, attitudes, and outcomes all together in a split second judgment call. Said judgment is our reference point from which we engage the conversation. Having been a perpetrator of this, I do not mind sharing all of the dirty little realities about having selective hearing or reading skills…especially if pride is on the line. In the past I have used my communication abilities to twist things that people have said, so as to belittle them and beat them down for the sake of WINNING the argument. (You lose a lot of friends this way). More than that, I lost a lot of credibility that I would have to earn back. Communication is not a competitive sport to win, but a collaborative effort that empowers all those who participate.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. –George Bernard Shaw

Communication in all its glory is one of the major tools that help foster excellent relationships. When it comes to romantic relationships as well as dealing with roles between males and females I have noticed that this is an area that is frightfully lacking in understanding. I have been privy to a few awesome conversations in the last week about gender roles (in the religious context), the differences between what men need vs. what women need, and what it means to be a Man/Woman in our culture. I am pretty sure you are now starting to understand where I am heading in today’s blog. I am convinced that relationships that fall apart do so because of a breakdown in communication.

Though I have much to say about gender roles and what it means to be a man/woman, I am going to take some time to flesh out the idea of what I as a man need and how I communicate. First, let me start off by saying…I AM HIGHLY EMOTIONAL!!!! I FEEL DEEPLY!!!! Second, I am a thinker (analytical and logical). Lastly, I am passionate and intense. Alright, with that said…My primary love languages include: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. Let me redefine this…As a male I love to know that I am respected and what I have to say matters/do/offer matters. As a male I LOVE being touched. I loved being hugged, kissed, and when I get married…SEX will be AMAZING! As a male, when I am in a relationship, I want to know that I am needed/wanted by my significant other. That when she looks at me I am all that she sees. She is primary on my heart and mind to keep happy and spend time with. (Sounds a lot like my primary love languages huh?? Interesting!) I believe as a male I process things a lot differently than a female. Which is okay, we were made differently for a reason. I feel this is the reason that communication is SO IMPORTANT!

 To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. –Tony Robbins

In talking with a friend last night (THANKS SARAH R.) we both realized that in dealing with the opposite sex we must understand the importance of communicating in the way that they can best receive. Instead of trying to be stubborn and communicate in a selfish manner, we take the time to learn the language of our significant other. A friend and co-worker pointed out the value of communicating intentionally and the importance of taking the time to actually listen. It does no one any good if the bulk of the conversation is spent trying to prove the other person wrong.
So in response to the topic that was presented to me this morning about the issue of the needs of men vs. women, I simply have this to say…Both sides are right. There is no dispute. But you have to realize that you are coming from two different perspectives from which you are viewing things from. A woman will NEVER be able to see things through the male lens in its totality, but the reverse is also true. There are many nuances so generalizations do not work for everyone one. With that being said, with the way the subject was brought up…it would pay to simply stick with the question or thought that was being presented. Making an argument about something that was irrelevant to the topic as a whole serves to throw a wrench in the whole communication idea that I was talking about as the top of the blog. It puts people at odds when there is no need for it. Valid points were made across the board. However, where I draw the line is where subtle cheap shots are thrown to prove a point. Personal opinion…NOT OK! :)

All of this plays into the idea of The American dream for my generation. I am not sure that it has ever been communicated in this way so I will do my best to echo what I have heard over the years. My generation values relationships and great communication….WHY??? Because in a lot of ways our parents pursued an American dream that left really NO time for us. This is not a low blow directed at the previous generation in the least. However it is a wake up call so that many will begin to have eyes to see the things that we value.

A person isn’t who they are during the last conversation you had with them – they’re who they’ve been throughout your whole relationship. –Rainer Maria Rilke 

My Father, now retired, worked at his job for 30+ years. Talk about longevity. It paid the bills, gave my brother and I many opportunities, and a lifestyle he NEVER got to live. I am extremely grateful! I love how my Dad sacrificed for me. Though, now being a 27 year old…if I could go back in time to give my Dad some advice…it would go like this…, “Dad, thanks for all you are doing cause I know you are thinking of me. I know you are concerned about my future. Pops, I don’t need all the stuff. I don’t need you to spend countless hours at the job, only to go to the church right when you get off. I don’t need all of the trips. What I need is you! What I need is not the toys, the games, the greatest house….I need your presence. I need to know in an intimate way that I am loved by you. That I am valued and cherished. That the ideas I have make you proud.” I would say the same thing to my mother as well. It isn’t because I am ungrateful, but rather that I have learned something and know how to clearly articulate what I have needed all of these years.

In my generation there seems to be a push for the original American Dream…, “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” I live in a generation of dreamers, that want more than the 9-5 rat race of cubicle living. We are caught in a sticky place of wanting to explore all of the uniqueness that makes us who we are but living in this world that our parents and forefathers created for us that say you have to follow the formula to actually be successful. I have a 4 year college degree, and a job…I AM IN NO WAYS HAPPY WITH HOW I AM LIVING…Why you ask??? Because it is void of adventure, creativity, passion, and excitement. You might ask…well what about your children??? Yes, I do think of them. I want to leave them a legacy that reminds them ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. GO FOR IT AND TRUST THE FAITHFULNESS OF THE ULTIMATE FATHER.

See for my generation we crave relational intentionality. We are not catching these things by osmosis. We crave a raw realness from the generations around us as well as our peers. Cookie cutter answers and methods do not suit us. We are deep thinkers who ponder mysteries, whose minds and imaginations race among the stars. We are creators shaping the world around us. What we “lack” is meaningful worthwhile relationships with those who should be closest to us. If I could only share my deepest dreams and secrets with my family and have them really understand…it would do my heart good. But I know too many others who feel the same. Our generation cries out for the freedom to try! The freedom to make mistakes! The freedom to be bigger than the circumstances that often attempt to limit our potential. This is the generation that I am a part of. This is the generation I identify with. I don’t need a house with a lawn, a dog, and a white picket fence. Let me do what I love with out restriction…give me a healthy, supportive, community and I will be okay. Give me some wind so that I can learn to fly and you will see great things happen.

My parents dreams for me are just that. "Their" dreams for me. I love my parents SO MUCH. I just have a different vision for the life that I must live. My dreams are different. 9-5 isn’t my cup o tea. I am an artist…I need to spend my days creating. Otherwise…I will be 70 regretting the things I could have done, but never actually did. That is not the way to live.

A fun fact, a lot of you reading this blog probably have inferred that my tone has been rather harsh, sarcastic, and/or mean. However, from where I am sitting as the author I can assure you that I am actually coming from a lighthearted, jovial, yet contemplative place. As such, if you thought my tone was harsh, your defenses would have been up and you might not have actually taken the time to finish reading the whole blog. I know this is a generalization, but if one finds offense with something written…often times they will begin to skim through what is being said and look for red flags, or buzz words in which to argue with. So if that was you (I was like that quite a bit when I was younger), I would just ask that you take some time to re-read all of this. These are simply my thoughts on communication, relationships, and the American dream. They are all subject to change as my perspective of life changes. :) I cant wait.
Blessings!

What If This Were True?

At times I simply stare wide eyed in wonder. Am I living life or is life living me? Is this first person or third person? I look at my palms, almost staring through them. What is real? The texture of my skin, the feel of the hot air around me, is it real or is it a figment of my imagination? Is this nothing more than a construct of the walls my imagination creates or is this all there is? Let me back up for a second. I see these thoughts can be quite confusing without proper context. 

See, in the deepest reaches of my being, are the faintest glimmers of mystical experience that can only be described as other worldly. Sparkles of brilliance amongst the mass of darkness, the backdrop from which illumination and radiance begin to shine. This is my own inner darkness, depression, and depravity. Rather, my self-imposed darkness, depression, and depravity. Though the cloak of this living darkness seeks to suffocate all sparks of life, I find myself amazed at the resilience of ideas, dreams, hopes, and wants that seem to be immortal and unconquerable.

See there is a silly notion that runs rampant. No matter how many times society, family, friends, religion try to assassinate it, the eternal entity, this dream continues to live on. It has faced the electric chair, the firing squad, the gas chamber, lethal injection, decapitation, the noose, even being drowned. Yet, like a phoenix it is reborn each time with new intensity always engulfed in flames. My eyes cannot forget what has already been seen. No matter how much I fight, I am overcome by the urge to be my own superhero. No cape, not tights, or spandex, yet these abilities and ideas that overcome every barrier known to man.

As I awaken from my slumber, a question begins to haunt me. WHO….AM….I? From the darkness arise those small but intense radiant lights. Piece by piece these lights fragments begin forming an essence, an entity, not yet to have been seen by the world around it. They pulse with light, yet are being arranged in phenomenal detail. What or rather WHO is this? Are we in first person or are we in third person. Am I viewing me or am I viewing someone else?

I would swear I was seeing a musically themed super hero. He vibrated and resonated sound. He carried around a guitar, played the drums, loved by all, able to tap into a realm all his own and create sounds that would unlock the emotional heartbeat of all he came in contact with. He was charming, full of charisma, gentle, and full of wisdom. Mild mannered was his nature, full or hospitality, and wit. His persona was larger than life, full of joy. He is one that wants to share gifts with all he encounters. Humble and thoroughly loving, that is who this man is.

 However, when I changed perspective and looked at him again, I was amazed. He was a fighter. He had punches and kicks that could dominate any man on the planet. He was like fire. Once ignited, he was quite hard to control. He is full of passion and a sense of loving justice. His determination was one that could not be moved or budged. He was loved by all because of the intentionality of his ways. He was honest beyond anything anyone had ever seen. Truly this must have been the true form of the entity that was being made.

As I was lost in my thoughts, the light refracted causing me to be drawn in. What I was seeing was nothing like the other men I had seen. This one, he is refined, scholarly, a gentleman par excellent. The air around him was noble, refined, without a hint of arrogance or narcissism. His mere presence invited those around him into a higher place of being. He caused the dreams within people to awaken and begin to bloom. He was all about others and maximizing ones potential for the benefit of the world around. This man smelled of selflessness, a fragrance of pure intoxication.

Just when I thought I had seen everything this being had to offer, I was again surprised as I witnessed a vast new horizon. I was in the presence of a sage. His wisdom, knowledge, and understanding of the laws governing the world around were second to none. He was well learned but had such experience to back him up. It was a rare mixture which caused his words to hit home with force. As he spoke I realized though he had many answers, it was not the place he derived his essence from. I could tell he had more questions than I could fathom at this point. His questions fueled his desire to continue learning and understanding life. Though he looked relatively young, I understood that he had been around for eons.  He would continue even after most of the world as I knew it had passed away.

As overwhelming as all of this was, I shaken to full attention as a hand grasped my shoulder. I turned around and there was the entity well rather it felt like the entity but rather than being formed it was moving as if it were already alive.  As I looked I was undone. Of everything I had just written down and pondered, I was met face to face with a being that transcended my physical sense forcefully but gently bringing me into a space that had previously been hidden to the human eye. Call it supernatural, metaphysical, eternal, those words are only able to scratch the surface of where I was thrust into. As I looked at this person, I realized he is the sage, the musician, the gentleman, and the fighter. They are mere facets of his eternal being…my eternal being.  Gazing into His eyes I saw myself. He is Me, and I am Him. However, he was not finished, as I watched this surreal even unfold, He began to create. The artistry, the creativity, the innovation, and innocence, brought me to tears. I could hear the symphony as he sculpted. I heard the poetry as he painted. I could see the cinema sequence as he choreographed. Though it made no cognitive sense, my whole being felt as if this is exactly what I have been looking for all my life.

All at once I was again alone in my room. Left to ponder the mystery of what lies within me. Again to fight a voice that tells me there is nothing to like about myself. There is nothing to love…nothing worthwhile.

But…

This time…

I am not alone.

An Honest Look Under The Hood

I decided that it would be a good time to pause and really flesh out a few things I am wrestling with. Just so happens that Holy Spirit thought it would be a great idea, so this is the project I have endeavored to work on. So far this is only the first part of what we have been dealing with. Though not fully comprehensive, it has provided a framework for questions, introspection, and excavation of my internal landscape. It has been a difficult but freeing process. Nothing has felt so painful yet so good. These are the base questions; yet, I am discovering more as I write. My hope is that this blog will help others begin to tackle many of the same questions. Life is not meant to be lived in fear, guilt, shame, and uncertainty. It is meant to be lived in the light of life and the fullness of Love. With that, I leave with the thoughts that I have been chewing on and becoming honest with.

Who is God? He is the author and creator of all life. He is timeless, eternal and un-created. One God completely unified in 3 Persons. Father, Son, Holy Spirit.

What is my relationship to God the Father? I was created by God, from God, for God. I am His son and heir. At the current moment, I am stubborn and doubtful, mixed with hopefulness and awe. I have this lens that causes me to see the Father much like my earthly father. Every time I want to approach Him, I am met with such a wave of anxiety because somehow I feel as if He will be very short and critical of what I am doing. I do not expect much compassion or affection from Him. I have honestly come to expect harsh criticism and ways to better ways to serve Him. When I think about Him, it is more about what being done, than simply just being. I feel that if I work harder, somehow I will forgo all the criticism that has been built up because of my shortcomings.

Who is Jesus? He is the only begotten son of the Father. First born of all creation yet, was in the beginning with the Father before creation. He is the author and finisher of my faith. He is the first born of many brethren. He is the great I AM, Emanuel, King of Kings, and Lord of Lords. The very reason my position with the Father was restored. He is the Way, He is the Truth, He is the Life.

What is my relationship to Jesus? He is my older brother, a close friend, and the one I fight with the most. He can easily be one of the most frustrating people I know, while at the same time being the most comforting and gentle person I know. I go back and forth learning if he is trustworthy or not. He is one that will not sugar coat what I need to hear, but at the same time he is one that never pressures me to move forward. Always understanding and always to the point. At times I simply want to run away from him because I do not know how to accept all of who HE is. Simply put, Jesus is freaking BIG and overwhelming. Not in a negative way however. He loves so much that it really is hard to take it in.

Who is Holy Spirit? That’s kind of a loaded question since He is the one that prompted me to even write this. He is affectionately known as the “Great Counselor” or to put in bluntly, the idea guy. He is a mysterious fellow that is the 3^rd person in the Trinity. Some say he is sensitive and some say he is boisterous. I say he is a combination of many factors that would take too much time to try to explain. Jesus calls him the Comforter and the Spirit of Truth. He is also known as the revealer of mysteries and a great teacher. He is God with us currently indwelling all who will allow him habitation. He has the greatest ability to influence and move people. He is the one that sits at the door of our hearts knocking so as to be invited in. He is a patient one, yet will move and get things done as necessary. Again, He is very mysterious, but altogether lively and fun.

What is my relationship to Holy Spirit? Well as much as I want to say he is my best friend, I feel like that would be the farthest stretch imaginable currently. I feel as if I am still trying to get to know him on an intimate level again. With the way things have been working out in my life, I can honestly say the relationship is dysfunctional at best. Not because of Him, but because of me. Much like with Jesus, I have a hard time trusting Holy Spirit right now. Although looking back on the track record he has, he has been one the most trustworthy people I know of. Kind of quirky in the way that he does stuff, but he has been quite consistent in my life. I try to sabotage things with Him, because subconsciously I am expecting Him to fail me, much like everyone one else in my life has at some point in time or another. Yet, He has never faltered. Truth be told, I don’t like to step out anymore because I do not want to know if he will ever fail, if that makes sense. I mean watching Him work is a phenomenal thing, and from a distance so wonderful. However, as of late there have been so many opportunities to work with Him hand in hand and it freaks me out, to no end. So I just don’t. This I know is one of the major things that stifle this relationship back.

What are my fears concerning God? I believe my one fear is that at the end of the day everything that I have done will have all before not, because it wouldn’t have been what was really required or asked for. So I spend my time spinning my wheels trying to figure out what to do. In the end the whole paralysis by analysis sets in and nothing gets done. Sometimes, I feel like I am caught in the same loop of frustration that I get caught in when I play MMORPG’s. So many things to do, yet unsure of which is the proper way of doing things. There are so many ways to play the game and figure things out, yet with the amount of options, never really knowing what or how to do it. Instead of just playing the game and learning as I go…I feel like it is wasting valuable time. I end up freezing doing absolutely nothing of note. This is what I want to see change in me. I am afraid that when I get to the end of the road, I will see this HUGE GAME OVER sign.

What are you confident about concerning God? I am confident that no matter the circumstance God has a way of getting my attention to do the most unusual and out of the box things. He gives me words when I least expect having words. I am confident that He enjoys talking with me, though I really do not know how to receive what he has to share with me most of the time. I am confident in His ability to speak and share what concerns his heart. I am also confident in the fact that God is good and can be nothing other than Good. I am confident of God’s ability to use anything and everything to grasp your attention. Seemingly insignificant things to most around you, but the very thing that you need in a moment to prick your heart…reminding you that you are still alive and you are able to feel.

What are things that I say I believe but in all actuality I wrestle with? I say that I believe that God wants to hang out with me but, somehow I cannot get myself to actually believe it. There is a huge performance aspect to the way I operate because I am just unsure of God’s position of being pleased with me as a son. I know that I should believe that He simply wants the best for me and is working all things together for my good, but I have such a hard time really believing that. I wrestle with the idea of being a worshiper…or even being qualified to worship. I struggle with being a musician who has no idea what to do with the gift that I have been given. I am not confident that there really is no lack with God. Though I know scripture talks consistently about abundance…I have no idea what that really looks like because I feel like I am subsistence living most of the time. I am not confident that God really can do exceedingly abundantly more than I could ask or think according to the power that works within me...through me. Though I am supposed to believe God really is big, that hasn’t really struck me as fact or reality.

If there could be something I could give my life to what would it be? If I could do anything, I would give myself over fully to creating worship. It would be creating via music, writing, poetry, and counseling. Yet, the primary means would be music and writing. Something in me burns to be able to pursue this giving no regard to my life. Secondary but really still a part of the primary goal would be helping people get unstuck and find the vibration and frequency in which they resonate with. Helping them tackle the things that make them tick and invariably find freedom in living. Giving myself to this would be my greatest desire. I want to be able to create from the ground up with a group of people who share the same passion for transformation and freedom. A group of people passionately in pursuit of being able to move creation through our own creations, gifts to God, for the work of destroying the works of the devil and building the lives of people up again.

What stops me from giving me life to this goal? Invisible scripts…Fear. The long and short of it stems from fear. I subconsciously sabotage myself from succeeding when every provision for success has already been given. I fear that I will somehow make a wrong turn and be unable to recover from the mistake. I fear that I will have wasted my whole life doing what was unimportant and meaningless. In the end, it’s the paralysis that comes because of the fear of living a life of insignificance that causes one to never move an inch. The real root of the insignificant life is to stop one from moving totally in any direction. When motion stops significance stops. Yet, even though I can readily see this…I often feel stuck and start the cycle all over again.

Even as I have fleshed out many ideas, still more are flooding in. This is just the first of many parts of this detailed analysis of what is going on within me. There is no condemnation regarding this, just an honest look at where I am at. All guises and masks put aside. It is time for the healing to begin. Yet, the first part of healing is learning to shed light on what is really there. I hope this brings life to all who would venture to read this.  

Musings Concerning Religion

On days like today I set everything aside simply to center myself. With everything being so hectic, reorienting oneself becomes a most necessary endeavor. That much being said, I wonder how these thoughts will actually play out.

Christianity - By far the topic that stirs up the most controversy within my circle of influence. I am not even sure what to think at the current moment.

After such an unsettling dream...seeing people especially children wrapped in chains, trying to run for their lives. Running as fast as they can away from their captors and others who are in power...holding one such child who was wrapped in a spiderweb like chain. As soon as I touched the chain I could feel the horror of being trapped...the emotions of being alone and forgotten.

I began to weep...to wail...finally screaming because the pain was so great.

My screams in the dream jolted me back to the land of the living. My mood has been off ever sense. As I talked with Dad about it he said..., "As you begin to touch people you will feel the things that are holding them captive. Son, do not be afraid of what you feel. Yet, feel you must. Your heart will grow in compassion as you feel them and look at me."

This is my why. This is why I have become what I have become.

Bondage is not the business...

Seeing people hurt is also not the business...

Tied to all of this are the other major issues that seem to really mess with people.

Most would agree that God is good. All would agree that God is loving. Yet, what I have found is that most of these thoughts are accompanied by conditions and qualifications.

WHY???

Why are all of these great qualities of God's character made to be so...well...conditional...while we can see that these qualities are so unconditional and freely given.

It seems that Christians have imposed a morality ladder that must be ascended in order to be considered righteous or holy...

I call bullshit.

This type of thinking reeks of self-righteousness to the highest degree.

For what exactly? To appease our consciences so we feel as if we are accomplishing something?

Can we really add to what Jesus did for us on the cross?

No?

Then why do we try?

This is still a profound mystery to me...the more freedom I stumble into...the more the old way of living makes absolutely no sense.

What exactly have we been doing this whole time?

In my estimation we have spent more time trying to figure out the morality wheel than we have spent time investing in getting to know the God we say we love and adore.

We have have spent more time focused on behaviors more than the hearts that produce those behaviors.

Honestly speaking, in a lot of ways we still have not gotten passed the garden and the knowledge of good and evil.

As I recall there were 2 trees in the garden. The tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

We spend most of our time eating from the wrong tree...learning from the wrong tree...judging from the wrong tree.

Endeavoring on the journey I am taking has been no easy task. It has caused me to have to be reoriented in my entire belief system.

Instead of seeing things in black and white, I have become aware of the varying shades of color that fill the world around us.

Walking with Jesus teaches me just how diverse life really is. He made things so intricate that there is no possible way that one size fits all for anything...well...other than Jesus being a legitimate bad ass in the way he orchestrated EVERYTHING. (Time/Eternity/The Universe/All things seen/All things unseen.)

There are too many gaps to fill that I have no answers for.

The question I leave you will is this...

What does it look like for God to be God?

Just so you know its a trick question...

No one but God has the answer to that...

However, I challenge you to allow Him to challenge your paradigms of what it looks like for Him to be Himself.

Instead locking Him in the  "Christian" box...why not allow Him to just be himself and absolutely BLOW YOUR MIND.

I bet you he is bigger than you ever even suspected or dared even dream.

See the thing about this journey is this...every time I hang out with Jesus...He is bigger than the last time I hung out with Him. I asked Him why it seemed like He was growing all the time...His reply to me was priceless...

"I'm not growing I have always been bigger than you could fathom...your just growing in your understanding of me. The more you hang out with me...the bigger it will seem that I get because you are changing and transforming. Your vision is getting better. Just wait until we start working on how you see yourself. Things are gonna shift dramatically. :)" -- Jesus