An Honest Look Under The Hood

I decided that it would be a good time to pause and really flesh out a few things I am wrestling with. Just so happens that Holy Spirit thought it would be a great idea, so this is the project I have endeavored to work on. So far this is only the first part of what we have been dealing with. Though not fully comprehensive, it has provided a framework for questions, introspection, and excavation of my internal landscape. It has been a difficult but freeing process. Nothing has felt so painful yet so good. These are the base questions; yet, I am discovering more as I write. My hope is that this blog will help others begin to tackle many of the same questions. Life is not meant to be lived in fear, guilt, shame, and uncertainty. It is meant to be lived in the light of life and the fullness of Love. With that, I leave with the thoughts that I have been chewing on and becoming honest with.

Who is God? He is the author and creator of all life. He is timeless, eternal and un-created. One God completely unified in 3 Persons. Father, Son, Holy Spirit.

What is my relationship to God the Father? I was created by God, from God, for God. I am His son and heir. At the current moment, I am stubborn and doubtful, mixed with hopefulness and awe. I have this lens that causes me to see the Father much like my earthly father. Every time I want to approach Him, I am met with such a wave of anxiety because somehow I feel as if He will be very short and critical of what I am doing. I do not expect much compassion or affection from Him. I have honestly come to expect harsh criticism and ways to better ways to serve Him. When I think about Him, it is more about what being done, than simply just being. I feel that if I work harder, somehow I will forgo all the criticism that has been built up because of my shortcomings.

Who is Jesus? He is the only begotten son of the Father. First born of all creation yet, was in the beginning with the Father before creation. He is the author and finisher of my faith. He is the first born of many brethren. He is the great I AM, Emanuel, King of Kings, and Lord of Lords. The very reason my position with the Father was restored. He is the Way, He is the Truth, He is the Life.

What is my relationship to Jesus? He is my older brother, a close friend, and the one I fight with the most. He can easily be one of the most frustrating people I know, while at the same time being the most comforting and gentle person I know. I go back and forth learning if he is trustworthy or not. He is one that will not sugar coat what I need to hear, but at the same time he is one that never pressures me to move forward. Always understanding and always to the point. At times I simply want to run away from him because I do not know how to accept all of who HE is. Simply put, Jesus is freaking BIG and overwhelming. Not in a negative way however. He loves so much that it really is hard to take it in.

Who is Holy Spirit? That’s kind of a loaded question since He is the one that prompted me to even write this. He is affectionately known as the “Great Counselor” or to put in bluntly, the idea guy. He is a mysterious fellow that is the 3^rd person in the Trinity. Some say he is sensitive and some say he is boisterous. I say he is a combination of many factors that would take too much time to try to explain. Jesus calls him the Comforter and the Spirit of Truth. He is also known as the revealer of mysteries and a great teacher. He is God with us currently indwelling all who will allow him habitation. He has the greatest ability to influence and move people. He is the one that sits at the door of our hearts knocking so as to be invited in. He is a patient one, yet will move and get things done as necessary. Again, He is very mysterious, but altogether lively and fun.

What is my relationship to Holy Spirit? Well as much as I want to say he is my best friend, I feel like that would be the farthest stretch imaginable currently. I feel as if I am still trying to get to know him on an intimate level again. With the way things have been working out in my life, I can honestly say the relationship is dysfunctional at best. Not because of Him, but because of me. Much like with Jesus, I have a hard time trusting Holy Spirit right now. Although looking back on the track record he has, he has been one the most trustworthy people I know of. Kind of quirky in the way that he does stuff, but he has been quite consistent in my life. I try to sabotage things with Him, because subconsciously I am expecting Him to fail me, much like everyone one else in my life has at some point in time or another. Yet, He has never faltered. Truth be told, I don’t like to step out anymore because I do not want to know if he will ever fail, if that makes sense. I mean watching Him work is a phenomenal thing, and from a distance so wonderful. However, as of late there have been so many opportunities to work with Him hand in hand and it freaks me out, to no end. So I just don’t. This I know is one of the major things that stifle this relationship back.

What are my fears concerning God? I believe my one fear is that at the end of the day everything that I have done will have all before not, because it wouldn’t have been what was really required or asked for. So I spend my time spinning my wheels trying to figure out what to do. In the end the whole paralysis by analysis sets in and nothing gets done. Sometimes, I feel like I am caught in the same loop of frustration that I get caught in when I play MMORPG’s. So many things to do, yet unsure of which is the proper way of doing things. There are so many ways to play the game and figure things out, yet with the amount of options, never really knowing what or how to do it. Instead of just playing the game and learning as I go…I feel like it is wasting valuable time. I end up freezing doing absolutely nothing of note. This is what I want to see change in me. I am afraid that when I get to the end of the road, I will see this HUGE GAME OVER sign.

What are you confident about concerning God? I am confident that no matter the circumstance God has a way of getting my attention to do the most unusual and out of the box things. He gives me words when I least expect having words. I am confident that He enjoys talking with me, though I really do not know how to receive what he has to share with me most of the time. I am confident in His ability to speak and share what concerns his heart. I am also confident in the fact that God is good and can be nothing other than Good. I am confident of God’s ability to use anything and everything to grasp your attention. Seemingly insignificant things to most around you, but the very thing that you need in a moment to prick your heart…reminding you that you are still alive and you are able to feel.

What are things that I say I believe but in all actuality I wrestle with? I say that I believe that God wants to hang out with me but, somehow I cannot get myself to actually believe it. There is a huge performance aspect to the way I operate because I am just unsure of God’s position of being pleased with me as a son. I know that I should believe that He simply wants the best for me and is working all things together for my good, but I have such a hard time really believing that. I wrestle with the idea of being a worshiper…or even being qualified to worship. I struggle with being a musician who has no idea what to do with the gift that I have been given. I am not confident that there really is no lack with God. Though I know scripture talks consistently about abundance…I have no idea what that really looks like because I feel like I am subsistence living most of the time. I am not confident that God really can do exceedingly abundantly more than I could ask or think according to the power that works within me...through me. Though I am supposed to believe God really is big, that hasn’t really struck me as fact or reality.

If there could be something I could give my life to what would it be? If I could do anything, I would give myself over fully to creating worship. It would be creating via music, writing, poetry, and counseling. Yet, the primary means would be music and writing. Something in me burns to be able to pursue this giving no regard to my life. Secondary but really still a part of the primary goal would be helping people get unstuck and find the vibration and frequency in which they resonate with. Helping them tackle the things that make them tick and invariably find freedom in living. Giving myself to this would be my greatest desire. I want to be able to create from the ground up with a group of people who share the same passion for transformation and freedom. A group of people passionately in pursuit of being able to move creation through our own creations, gifts to God, for the work of destroying the works of the devil and building the lives of people up again.

What stops me from giving me life to this goal? Invisible scripts…Fear. The long and short of it stems from fear. I subconsciously sabotage myself from succeeding when every provision for success has already been given. I fear that I will somehow make a wrong turn and be unable to recover from the mistake. I fear that I will have wasted my whole life doing what was unimportant and meaningless. In the end, it’s the paralysis that comes because of the fear of living a life of insignificance that causes one to never move an inch. The real root of the insignificant life is to stop one from moving totally in any direction. When motion stops significance stops. Yet, even though I can readily see this…I often feel stuck and start the cycle all over again.

Even as I have fleshed out many ideas, still more are flooding in. This is just the first of many parts of this detailed analysis of what is going on within me. There is no condemnation regarding this, just an honest look at where I am at. All guises and masks put aside. It is time for the healing to begin. Yet, the first part of healing is learning to shed light on what is really there. I hope this brings life to all who would venture to read this.  

The Greatness of Individuality

Well its a super chilly day out here on the ranch, and finally I have some time to actually write. Okay, let make a more true statements...I finally have the time and the spark to write. I have had many opportunities before to write, but never had the inspiration or the words to type anything.

I have been in Texas for  23 days now, and what a ride it has been. For the first time in a long while I feel like I am home. This time in Texas has afforded me so many different experiences that I still do not understand how I haven't passed out and died due to the shock of everything.  Many who know me have heard about this move, the stress involved with it, and the overwhelming sense of adventure that has been brewing. Now here, I have yet to be disappointed. I have been recording audio notes so I can compile a better blog at a later date. For now I just want to expand on the things that God has really been teaching me through all of this.

I find it quite interesting that I have come full circle on the whole identity topic...rather a new facet of the topic is unfolding before my very eyes. HAHA...I am getting wrecked by Holy Spirit right now as I am writing this. I pray a blessing over you as you are reading this. Holy Spirit as you have been doing a work in my heart concerning how fearfully and wonderfully I am made I ask that you would take the reader straight into the Fathers heart and begin to speak to that place in them. Let them experience the love of the Father, Son, and yourself. Shaka!!! So as I am living here on this ranch, Dad consistently has been talking to me about how I have been made. We have had so many fights its ridiculous. In 23 days I have spent so many mornings venting to God, cussing God out in my heart, blaming Him for certain circumstances, even at one point out right saying I hate you soooooo much. Yet, even now I cannot escape the depths of how much He loves me and continues to pursue me. He is so good at being who He is. In these 23 days have have been loved in ways I never imagined. I have felt him in ways that simply blow my mind. I have seen Him do things that just make my tear up and weep. Even through all of my temper tantrum throwing, He has faithfully walked me through the rockiest parts of my heart. I love HIM so much.

Part of the frustration that I had been feeling had to do with not feeling like who I am as a person really is worth much. I know the proper "Christian" answer is that I am loved and that I am worth much. Yet, that has not been the reality in which I have been able to perceive things. Man, I have felt pretty damn low if I just may be so bold. Inadequate, that is another word I would have used to describe what I was feeling. Let me be the first to say this...comparisons are fucking stupid. Comparisons are the thing that have robbed me and many others of our sense of individuality and value. WHY??? Because we see someone else and what they are doing and begin to try to emulate what they are doing...never once considering that maybe....just maybe...the way we are doing things is perfectly fine.

THAT IS A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT!

It happens within family units, school systems, the business world...heck...the Church as well. This stuff kills. I have seen peoples spirits get assassinated by one well places or ill placed comparison (just depends on how you are looking at this). I have seen some of the most vile blood shed take place within the psyche of an individual as a result of a comparison. How do I know...well...I lived it. For the longest time I was compared to my older brother. He was the model student. His temperament was excellent, and he was very compliant. At that point in my life...he and I were polar opposites. I loathed and hated the people that made those comparisons...but even more so...I secretly hated him because unconsciously I was losing myself to actually become so much like him. See he was consistently praised, given awards, and told how wonderful he was. Me...not so much. I was starved for those things. To be honest, I think I spent most of my childhood subconsciously looking for his approval so I could go back to being myself (wow, this is revelation for me).

So what do you think that these 23 days has consisted of?

Ding Ding Ding!!!

You guessed it.

Dad has been affirming just how wonderful and unique I am. As I stated earlier I have been fighting with Dad about a lot concerning this because of how battered my heart has been. We have spent close to 5 years on this topic of identity. Never really deviating from it. It has been the single most talked about thing between God and I. Moving to Texas has only heightened the intensity of the talk.

What has been amusing to me is that even though I have been fighting with God on this...I have noticed just how different people I have known for years are starting to look at me. The things they say, the way they talk...it has really changed. At first I thought they had changed and I was getting really frustrated about it. That is until God let me in on a secret. I was the last one to figure it out...I was the one that was changing. People are having a hard time recognizing me because I am becoming the man/son that I was originally intended to be. Which is kinda scary....okay....I almost peed myself when Dad started showing me what was going on.

I was in the office at work yesterday, and I started to read an article posted by my buddy Praying Medic. The article was talking about the journey of a prophetic feeler. As I read...my heart was instantly tenderized. Holy Spirit was already doing some prep work in me. I hit the half way point in the article, which was talking about valuing our gifts and repenting. I then felt electricity shoot through my body. It was so bad that I had to get out of my chair cause every time I felt a surge my chair was vibrating pretty loud. I started repenting for devaluing what God had given me as a gift. I finally realized that the gifts that I have...they really were gifts he delighted in giving me. That revelation had me doubled over and shaking. I felt things being put back and restored. As I continued repenting I saw moments of my life flashing before my eyes and I just apologized for telling Him some of the most hurtful things I had said to Him. I was starting to get that He really did love me. He gave me any of the abilities that I had because it delighted Him and that He wanted them to bless me.

After I left the office I started contemplating how I was wired. It was like a ton of bricks hitting me all at once. I finally got it. How I am wired is wonderful. The things that I love to do, the way I connect to God...its unique to me. No one will ever do it quite the way that I do it. As there are over 6.5 Billion unique people in this world...no one with the same finger print...so it is with the way that I connect to God. So it is with how I operate with Holy Spirit. It really is unique to me. He began to share with me that I no longer need to get offended by people who operate differently than me. Nor do I need to feel like I need to conform because people do not get how I operate. We have the freedom to flow with Holy Spirit on our own journeys. Always encouraging each other to walk with the God-Head the way we were designed to. Sharing wisdom and tidbits to help each other experience God in new ways. The best part was that I no longer have to be offended if people do not have the same revelation I have in certain things. I get to come along side and pray and ask Jesus to show them what he has been showing me in the way that will best impact their heart.

In 23 day something radical has taken place in me.  I realize before I was, God was BOUT THAT LYFE! What's more is that is continues to be BOUT THAT LYFE!

This blog is already more wordy than I had anticipated so I will do a part 2 update on this and expand on my personal frequency...the way I vibrate in the spirit and the way I am wired.

Father I pray right now that you would encounter your children. That you would show them how wonderful they are wired. Show them that you did not make a mistake with them. Bring specific moments into there hearts and minds that will help them remember how awesome you see them. I speak blessing and restoration over broken hearts. Dad, thanks for being SOOOO AWESOME! Jesus you are marvelous!

Monthly Challenge: 
I want to issue 5 challenges.

1. Everyday, take about 5 minutes and find 5-10 different things about yourself that you absolutely love. Take those 5 minutes and encourage yourself while looking in the mirror. 
2. As you go through your day find 1-2 different people and find 1-3 reasons to be thankful for them. This is especially good if it is people that you dislike or have a problem with. Take a piece of paper and jot down your thoughts. Compile them. After about a month select a few people from your list and write a little thank you note for them.
3. Find a way to go out of your comfort zone a 3 times a week to show extreme kindness to someone (they can be 3 different people).
4. In your prayer time with the Father spend 80% of your time in thanksgiving and praise, and the other 20% listening to what the Lord would have to say to you (meaning don't make requests, ask Him questions but make no requests.)
5. This one is a group exercise. Find some friends and every time someone makes a negative comment, that person is to find 3 positive things about whoever or what ever the comment was directed at. 

Stay Tuned for more fun!

The Journey Begins

The legend begins here. A silhouette that becomes the greatest image of my style and unconventional way of living. I have found the more I try and stay silent the more frustrated I become. I have decided that I might as well simply be myself and create to my hearts content regardless of the flack that I catch. This is the reason for this blog. My life is full of color as well as teachable moments. Nothing is as it appears. Life is full of smoke and mirrors, illusions that cause us to see things that are not there. Other times we see empty space only to run into a brick wall we had not perceived. I find that we live as being subject to reality rather than being the type of people that reality bends to. I prefer to be the latter. "Bout That Lyfe Chronicles" is about my journey to see that happen within my life and the world around me. It is a means of expressing myself to a degree that I have not done at any point in my life. It is a journey with friends and family as I ask them to also post bits and pieces of the journey that they have had with me and apart from me.

This photo to the right represents how I see reality. I was meant to defy common sense to do the impossible. I walk on water and create the greatest of storms. It is both beautiful and awesome. Clothed in a white robe (righteousness/purity), white hair (wisdom/knowledge/creativity), twin swords (writing/music). A warrior ready to take on a world that says that impossibility is an inevitability that we must accept at some point or another. I am linked with a group of people who understand this passionate side of me. Realistic...is not a word that I will ever let characterize who I am. I AM IMAGINATIVE! Being defined by the labels of others is a thing of the past. I am not weird, crazy or out there. I am a fellow human being who has a road all his own to travel. How I would have love to have others on this road, but I realize that this is simply a road for one. Those I love and cherish have there own paths to take and it would be detrimental for them to walk the road I am walking. Understanding that its okay to do what one needs to do on their own journey is important for developing into a mature yet child like person. Making tough decisions in the face of opposition is never an easy thing, but as I start my journey I am discerning the underlying value of being unique...being myself. 

Thank you for taking to stop by the page and join me on my journey. In the months to come I will expand on this idea of what it means to be "bout that lyfe." The implications are more than just a fancy change of lingo. It is a reflection of a life alteration.

Welcome to the BOUT THAT LYFE CHRONICLES

Check out my other blog as well.